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Welcome back to practiseSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker!
*sitcom audience cheers*
Thank you, thank you. Ok so far we've had a developer from hell and a CEO who shot to fame for being the first rectum to receive a passport and be given a job.
2 pretty strong entrants if you ask me. But its time to slow it down and make sure everyone gets a fair chance. Its not all just about the psychopaths and assholes, what about the general weirdo's and the stoners who just made life awkward?
So here we go, Most incompetent co-worker, candidate 3, "A".
"A" was a bit of an unusual developer, despite having a few years experience in his home country, he applied for an unpaid internship to come work with us ... probably should have rang alarm bells but hey we were all young and dumb back then.
I had to say I felt very bad for A, as he suffered from 2 very serious, and job crippling personal conditions / problems
- Email induced panic attacks
- Extreme multifaceted attachment disorder (also known in layman terms as "get the fuck away from me, and do your job" syndrome)
While he never openly discussed these conditions, it was clear from working with him, that he had gone undiagnosed for years. Every time an email would come in no matter how simple ... even the services team asking to confirm his staff ID, would send him into a panic causing him to drop everything he was doing and like a homing missile find me anywhere in the building and ask me what to do.
Actually "A" also suffered from a debilitating literacy issue too, leaving him completely unable to read our internal wiki's himself. Every week we had to follow a set of steps to upgrade something and every week to mask his issue, he'd ask me what to do instead ... no matter how many times I sat with him previously ... must have been truly embarrassing for him.
But "A"'s finest moment in the company, by far, was the day where out of the blue, at the top of his voice (as if wearing headphones ... without wearing headphones) he asked
"DO YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO SELLS POT?"
... why no, manager of the entire department standing behind you, I do not
... why no, tech lead talking to manager, I do not
... why hello 50% of my team staring at me ... no "A", I do not!
Needless to say all our team meetings were a little awkward for the next few weeks after that but hey who doesn't like being thought of as a stoner / drug dealer by their team mates huh?
Will A make it to the top of the list of most incompetent? Well he has some truly logic defining competition yet to be announced.
Tune in later for more practiceSafeHex's most incompetent co-worker!!!15 -
If I learned every spoken and dead language ever created in human history, I still wouldn't have enough swear words to describe how much I loathe SharePoint.5
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PM: Hey. I need this data right away so I can generate some reports!
/me runs some queries, creates some csv files, emails results
PM: Thanks! I'll look at this after I get back from vacation!3 -
Currently written on the conference room whiteboard:
People who enjoy meetings should not be in charge of anything.
I couldn't agree more.4 -
Pet peeve:
Putting screen shots in Word documents, then attaching the doc to tickets.
Mucking forons.5 -
Dear project managers,
Learn to use the fucking ticketing system. And by "use" I don't mean emailing IT asking them to open a ticket for you.
#GrowUpPinheads1 -
Least favorite "enterprise" application?
SharePoint
It sucks the shit rope from the chocolate starfish.5 -
Worst part: being everyone else's Search Bitch. Seriously, how the hell do you have a job in the tech industry when you can't use a fucking search engine, whether it's Google, a builtin search facility or, hell, scrolling down the goddamn page?3
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Dear Project Managers,
If you schedule a status update meeting for the end of the week, it is NOT okay for you to stop by my desk every day and ask if the project is on track. You will get your update during the update meeting you scheduled.
KthanxBye1 -
A ticket got escalated through 3 levels of techs. I open the escalation email, then do a Reply-all and ask one simple question:
Is the client really asking why there are gaps in monitoring when their servers are shutdown?1 -
Client: We need to deploy some Windows 2003 servers.
Us: Sure thing, Mr. Client. Your money is more important than the security and stability of our systems.
What we should have said: Sure, but you need to stop in our office, put your dick in a vice and we'll take turns cranking that bitch closed until you agree to use something more modern.4 -
Ever since I installed Winblows 10 Anniversary edition, my laptop is slower to boot and bluescreens once a week.
Windows: if your system is fast and reliable, don't worry, we'll fix that for you.4 -
Story Time.
I was hanging around at a friend's place when she informed me that her roommate is throwing a really lavish party 50kms away from the city. I got invited by said roommate and I agreed to go.
When we arrived at the venue, there were like 100+ people at this place, all smoking weed drinking and dancing in loud music. I was also stoned at that point.
So at one point, my friend abandoned me and I found myself talking to 10 complete strangers. I realized that I was on my own and thought about seeing how much rizz I got.
Mind you that everyone was drunk and there was loud music everywhere so there was no way anyone else knew that I was getting shot down lol.
After couple rejections, I straight up went to a girl and said "You want to smoke weed and make out in the bathroom?" And to my surprise, she said yes. So, we both already high and drunk slipped into the bathroom and made out for like 10 mins and I smoked all my weed with her.
Then, at some other point, my friend showed up and we went home. The one thing I missed, was asking for her number, which I kicked myself later for. I guess stoners don't realize they have phones.4 -
me: Hey. This looks like a cool component that will save me lots of time and effort in the project I'm kicking off next week.
/* Two months later */
me: WTF was the name of that component that did that thing?
======================
I really should write things down more often.1 -
If you ask me to run your reports, saying that it's urgent, then leave for a week's vacation, I will throttle your bandwidth to that of a 1200 baud modem for the next 3 months.
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Been on winter holiday for 3 days. Went to log in to my work laptop to clear out email - took me 20 minutes to remember my domain password.
Getting old sucks, kids.1 -
Architect: I know we said we would never do The Thing because doing The Thing is really bad, but can we do The Thing for a proof of concept?
Me: How about Fuck No! Unless you are proposing a solution to fix The Thing, we are NOT doing The Thing just to satisfy some perverse curiosity you may be harboring.4 -
Every time I see a client open ssh or rdp to the world when the servers sit behind a vpn, I die a little inside.4
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Staff meetings would be more tolerable if they started off with karaoke.
"Dude, the earnings were cool and all but, man, you sure carried that note during 'Come Sail Away. '" -
Why yes, yes I do sort my M&M's and Skittles according to color, then eat them from fewest to most.3
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You wanna have a meeting, fine. We'll have a meeting. But for the love of balsamic vinegar, put a fucking agenda in. I automatically decline any meeting request with no agenda, regardless of who sent it.
Guard your time well, my friends. It is precious and fleeting. -
At a previous company, we got stock options. My options wouldn't have made me a millionaire but it wasn't chump change, either.
For months, we went through the whole "we can't say we're going public but watch what you say" game.
One Monday, they called us down by groups to one of the large conference rooms to tell us paperwork was filed, that we were in a blackout period, and, oh, by the way, all those stock options were split 1-for-2 (half the stocks at twice the price.)
I really wanted to punch those smug motherfuckers when I watched them ringing the bell on the balcony of the NYSE.3 -
I look forward to Friday's Nerf dart battles in the office. A great way to blow off the steam that built up during the week.3
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Just got handed a dozen servers. Documentation shows a (Linux) database cluster is using ldap authentication. I try logging in with my creds. No joy. I look up the root password and log in.
Not only is it not configured to use ldap, it's also not clustered.
I need more coffee. -
Wrote code, tested it, and pushed to production for the first time in 3 months.
Great {diety} in {afterLifeLocation} it felt so goooooood to get back to developing. -
Work on something else. Have nothing else to work, invent a feature and work on that for a while. Do something other than that specific problem and an answer will come to you.
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I would cause intense pain to any project manager that calls a useless meeting that could have been avoided if they had read the fucking status emails I send.
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Is it normal for "enterprise" software to have 14+ pages of known issues in the release notes, including issue descriptions that use phrases like "may lead to data corruption" and "may cause the cluster to crash"??2
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Ahhhhh. Deleting data. Delete. Delete
Delete.
With authorization, no less.
It's almost as pleasurable as drinking coffee. -
Stoners who are bragging the worst. They can not function properly and worst it, they are not aware of the fact they are making themselves more and more idiot as time passes.
Normally, I wouldn't care stupid people to get more stupid, when you are trying to cooperate with them in any case, they are pain to deal with.42 -
Sitting in a meeting discussing writing end user docs on a new feature and one of the product managers literally said "we'll end up picking a number out of the air."
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/observation
I've found that a caramel latte pairs nicely with kettle-cooked bbq potato chips.
Or I'm just weird.2 -
When I say I'm working on an important update to the application, what I mean is "go away and stop bothering me, right now, or I will cock-punch you, right now."
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If your resume lists 10 jobs and you've spent 1 year or less at each job and you were not a contractor, that is not viewed as a Good Thing. I toss those resumes in the trash.5
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Jr dev: I need to log in to servers via ssh and run commands.
me: [posts link to Fabric web site]
Jr dev: Does it support python 3?
Gee...here's an idea. Why don't you try READING THE FUCKING DOCS?!?!?! -
Why was my code push today completely flawless?
Because I didn't do it on Friday at 5 pm when it was actually complete. -
Quote from an email: Please confirm that the attached list is the list of people that have the ability to load "versions" into SVN.
Gods, I hate non-technical project managers. -
Learned to program by shutting myself in my dorm room with a Shareware Modula-2 compiler and a well-written tutorial.
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Searching in Confluence sucks so bad it was faster for me to check out a branch of my code to find a url in a comment for a particular user story than it was to type the query, go through pages of unrelated results only to give up and hope I got the details right.
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