AboutSoftware tester, script monkey, web developer.
SkillsJS, HTML, CSS, Java, Gradle, Ant, Git, making coffee and breaking servers.
Joined devRant on 7/9/2016
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To all developers who think "I don't need to delete that one 1KB temp file"
You are not the only garbage developer who does not clean his shit up. The reason we need TERA FUCKING BYTE storage devices nowadays is because you incompetent shit heads have no idea how an application has to properly work. A temp file is not there to exist for ever. HENCE THE FUCKING WORD TEMPORARY20
We had recently a thread asking about our internet speeds, this seems relevant to most of what I've read in the comments so far.2
Guy: "We need you to update a few applications so we can get some new data. We have very important reports we need out of it!"
Me: "OK how soon do you need it?"
Guy: "Two days!! So we can start putting in the data then will have you create the reports."
...two days later...(in the spongebob narrator voice)
Me: " OK its done. Go in add the data you need then let me know so I can generate the reports."
....4 weeks later...still haven't heard from them and they haven't put in the data. Glad it was soooo important that I had to drop everything else to put in the updates that haven't been used.
Has it ever happened to anyone that you get hired as a backend java developer without going through any sort of evaluation and for some reason you start getting only design/frontend tasks and you politely complain but the dickhead says "well you should be able to do everything, and I want it before tomorrow" but you kind of need the money so "what the hell" and a couple days later you fully remember again how much you hate spending a whole day trying to get a bloody bar sticked to the bottom of the page while some dickass hits your slack and whatssapp with the nerving "where are my screens?" and start thinking "...do I really need to eat this month..." but anyways you make your research and ask for help and stop sleeping and do as much as you can to get the sh*t done and please the dickhead because you want his money?
...Oh well, have a nice day/evening6
Me : "Hey, I can't find the comments.js file, do you know where it is stored?"
Co-worker : "Yep, look in the CSS folder"
Me : "OK, thanks!"
5 seconds later..
Me : "Wait, what?"9
Me Vs a PHP teacher
And to do login, we just do SELECT username WHERE password = (userinput)
Really? Checking raw userinput against plaintext password?
There is no point in doing it securely here because if they want, the students can go take a seperate course on security
So no point in teaching students that they should write their code secure by default and just leave it as a afterthought?
Yes, because this is how i have always done it
Okay, time for a break
*Uses the break to teach all students about sql injection, password hash and salt, rainbow tables and user input sanitizing*
Students to teacher:
He's right, if you dont teach us to code securely by default, we are likely to end up causing a data leak or be hacked, if you dont teach us properly we have no point coming here
*Smiles at the teacher with a face that says: Pwnd*
Alright then, tell me whats wrong in my code
I was so proud that i helped the class understand secure by default principles61
Fun fact: "wix" of wix.com in German language phonetically translates to a vulgar word for masturbation. Not only describes my feeling towards services like these but also gives new meaning to the "do it yourself" mentality.8
Who needs screenshots?
At my first job in a web agency, we had this client who wanted to make some changes to his website and sent them to us by email. So far nothing unusual ... until I opened the email. To show us the changes he wanted to make the guy has done these steps:
1) He took the picture of his PC screen with the smartpone
2) Printed the photo of the screen
3) He made some pencil scribbles on the paper with comments like "Here we change the font, here we change the color" and the arrows that indicated where to move some blocks of the layout
4) Then he scanned the sheet with scribbles and sent it to us as a pdf by email
Of course, all our attempts to explain how a screenshot works have been useless and he went on like this for weeks5
Damn senior guy from storage background worked for a big company, he wants to learn git and so I told him to install git from git scm portal.
Well he did and came back saying its not working. I wondered thats not possible to curiousity I when to.his desk and found he was using fucking windows xp sp3 on his laptop.
I told him can you install windows 10
Well he tried but his fucking hardware doesnt support.
Wondered seriously why on earth this guy still using windows xp7
Client: This works correctly, but I don’t like the code.
Me: What exactly do you not like?
Client: There are barely any lines of code. You need to add more to make it better.
I...I don’t know what to say.26
My work mate just sent this, it made me feel better:
"If you ever have a day when you fucked up badly, made a huge mistake and you feel like a total kluts, click this link: https://google.com/maps/... and feel happy in that you didn’t fuck up bad enough for it to show on google earth!"
You know that you have fucked up another night when you are browsing devrant and your phone turns off the soft-color-night-mode because the sun has infact rise.
Fuck my life, another fucked up night and following day2
If you somehow managed to install Mac OS on a raspberry Pi, does that make it an Apple Pi?
I'm sorry, I'll leave now...35
I simply hope no one bashes my head against the wall for this for this...
I don't like coffee!
There, the words spilled out of my mouth! I simply don't like coffee.
I remember the first time I drank coffee, I was trying to study for finals. A few moments after my lips departed from the cup, I got a really bad headache and stomachache. How do you coffee lovers handle that?
Needless to say, that was simply not a pleasant night for me. I despise coffee and coffee despises me.25
Overheard this today.
Client: I've tried running it but the batch file isn't working.
Tech: You're a batch file.3
Another dev on my team just got a new machine. Before he came in today I made two separate USB installers and left him these notes.64
After listening to two of our senior devs play ping pong with a new member of our team for TWO DAYS!
DevA: "Try this.."
Junior: "Didn't work"
DevB: "Try that .."
Junior: "Still not working"
Me:"What is the problem?"
Few ums...uhs..awkward seconds of silence
Junior: "App is really slow. Takes several seconds to launch and searching either crashes or takes a really long time."
DevA: "We've isolated the issue with Entity Framework. That application was written back when we used VS2010. Since that application isn't used very often, no one has had to update it since."
DevB: "Weird part is the app takes up over 3 gigs of ram. Its obviously a caching issue. We might have to open up a ticket with Microsoft."
Me: "Or remove EF and use ADO."
DevB: "That would be way too much work. The app is supposed to be fully deprecated and replaced this year."
Me: "Three of you for the past two days seems like a lot of work. If EF is the problem, you remove EF."
DevA: "The solution is way too complicated for that. There are 5 projects and 3 of those have circular dependencies. Its a mess."
DevB: "No fracking kidding...if it were written correctly the first time. There aren't even any fracking tests."
Me:"Pretty sure there are only two tables involved, maybe 3 stored procedures. A simple CRUD app like this should be fairly straight forward."
DevB: "Can't re-write the application, company won't allow it. A redesign of this magnitute could take months. If we can't fix the LINQ query, we'll going to have the DBAs change the structures to make the application faster. I don't see any other way."
Holy frack...he didn't just say that.
Over my lunch hour, I strip down the WPF application to the basics (too much to write about, but the included projects only had one or two files), and created an integration test for refactoring the data access to use ADO. After all the tests and EF removed, the app starts up instantly and searches are also instant. Didn't click through all the UI, but the basics worked.
Sat with Junior, pointed out my changes (the 'why' behind the 'what') ...and he how he could write unit tests around the ViewModel behavior in the UI (and making any changes to the data access as needed).
Junior: "Employee app is fixed. Had some help removing Entity Framework and how it starts up fast and and searches are instant. Going to write unit tests today to verify the UI behaivor. I'll be able to deploy the application tomorrow."
DevA: "What?! No way! You did all that yesterday?"
Me: "I removed the Entity Framework over my lunch hour. Like I said, its basic CRUD and mostly in stored procedures. All the data points are covered by integration tests, but didn't have time for the unit tests. It's likely I broke some UI behavior, but the unit tests should catch those."
DevB: "I was going to do that today. I knew taking out Entity Framework wouldn't be a big deal."
Holy fracking frack. You fracking lying SOB. Deeeep breath...ahhh...thanks devRant. Flame thrower event diverted.13
So after I spent around 1 hour 35 minutes debugging a client's problem to end up with finding out he had no actual internet without him saying so I think I can finally catch a break and relax..
I get an urgent call that a computer that needed tending to was down and needed to be up by tonight
I rush to the office of the said computer only to find the one of the worst things imaginable.
I can see the computer clearly shorted and lo and behold, the CD tray is out with a MUG.. yes you heard that right.. A MUG FULL OF TEA sitting on it..
I literally scream at the employee asking him what a mug was doing there and instead he calls ME DUMB saying that if it wasn't intended as a cup holder what was its use?
SERIOUSLY?! ITS 2017 HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT GRASP SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS THIS20