And this boys and girls,
Is how you start doing less work - apparently.

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May I please have a crumb of ++ ?
Need some ++s to unlock the avatar creator

y'know what's ironic? people rush over things and avoid meetings, documentation or just speaking to each other, all for the sake of productivity, not realizing that's what destroys the team

Forced to take a "course" on agile. "Course" meaning 6-7 150 minutes sessions of uselss blabber. Fucking hell this is exactly like the worst of college courses.

Such a massive waste of time.

Giving my honest, somewhat filtered opinion in the dev group, I am in the minority it seems.

"But it's such a great opportunity!"
"<MANAGEMENT GUY> really pulled some strings to get us this course and I am fully confident in <MANAGEMENT GUY>'s criteria."

FFS, he's not in this chat. You won't get a raise by brown nosing him this hard you twit.

Adding new entry for my experience on my resume:
Shit Wader

I just realized that the interpreted Python version of a programming language that I am developing is faster (two times faster) than the compiled version using Nuitka.

Callum, not everything is a "useless fad" just because you don't like it. I understand that you think AWS lambda functions are "just an expensive con for morons", but for our batch processing use case they really do make a lot of sense.

Running some numbers to show they cost 10x more for a completely unrelated always-on service with a completely different request pattern is either naive, stupid, or malicious, and considering you're meant to be a principle architect, I'm really not sure what's worse 🤦‍♂️

I’m conducting a train.

For testing, I tell the train to go to station C when someone requests station G. But when I request station G afterwards, it sends me to station H instead.

I never asked for this.

Stop calling data analysis tool AI... Stop calling droping notifications by % of new events on occurance calculation - AI!

I get the point of a daily check in meeting for the team. I really do. But when all it is is pushing pet projects and bitching about shit that has nothing to do with the entire team, it gets tedious. Also, why are product managers so needlessly optimistic and peppy? It's early in the morning. Stop it.

“Yeah but you’re not a *real* developer”

Fuck. you.

I wrote 80% of this code base. I do 80% of the tickets/storyboard points. I do all of the QA. My nose is to the grindstone every fucking day honing this craft and sweating my balls off like a blacksmith staring into the red hot kiln while the sores of previous mistakes scream bloody murder from the unrelenting exposure to heat. I saw this amazing industry of opportunity, freedom and self examination and wanted in no matter what it took. I glued myself to every pithy resource I could possibly get my hands on and crawled through the muck and filth of it all until I could keep myself warm with the smallest spark of my own making. I stoked that spark until it became a fire and stoked that fire until I could set entire forests ablaze. I listened to the ungrateful people keeping warm by my combustion saying it “wasn’t hot enough” or “would have been a nicer colour if they did it” or “could have warmed up just fine jogging on the spot”. I made painstaking alterations to my ignition and watched my undeserving benefactors gradually be silenced and begin to sit quietly by the heat. I jumped into that inferno daily, was reduced to ash daily and emerged reborn daily. But you are right! I didn’t get scammed out of $40k+ studying technology in an archaic institution from instructors who don’t give a shit and answering “D all of the above” for 4+ years straight therefor my opinion doesn’t mean shit. Push your bullshit to prod and watch the server come burning out of the cloud as the apocalyptic swarm of angry tickets come flooding in why don’t you? Bet they didn’t teach you that in school. You’ve never poked around inside an open source codebase in your life. They are just a mystery boxes of magic that unless someone holds your hands with finely crafted instructions containing a 50/50 picture to word ratio you throw a hissy fit. Every problem that comes up instead of working to solve it you reflexively point to the first person in the room while thinking with your pea brain how you can possibly scapegoat them into taking the fall for whatever it is that’s come up today you couldn’t possibly understand.

Not a real developer?

Fuck. You.

Interviews for developers should say: This is an error on production. You have 10 min to find the solution on google.
This is more efficient than making developers write algorithms.

random girl: words can't describe how ugly you look
me: words can't describe how beautiful you look
random girl: blushes :)
me: but numbers can...
me: 2/10

> One of my guys from work.

> Walks up to my office
> Says "say something cursed about software development or programming that would make people cry"

> Me: "If I could I would program games and neural networks with PHP"

> Him: .......you fucking monster.

> Walks away

For reference: We both like php, but know and understand why that is a baaaaad idea.

One of my colleague is in trouble... He yelled "I don't give a fuck " in a zoom meeting. He told me he thought his mic was muted.

No is not. You fucked up.

Well this is true

How a project is made...

jajaja sad

Feature request: pasting in images!

In current android version we cannot add jifs from our keyboards, or paste in the screenshot we just took.

Downloading every reaction/meme gif is lamer than just letting your keyboard do it. Anyway, it could be useful or not idk lol

User: “X service doesn’t work.”

Me: “Are you running it using the instructions I gave you?”

User: “No, let me try… Ah, it works now, thanks!”

🙄

I was chatting with someone the other day, and during the conversation, it sounded like they would benefit from pair programming with someone and talking about the benefits of pseudocode. I offered to work on it with them (for free/for fun).

Then they said that they are looking specifically for queer and non-traditional gender identities to collaborate with.

Well. I've always been a supporter of all of the things, but it seems ridiculous to choose your friends and mentors - based on what they've got in their pants - and which places they like to stick it - and how they identify.

Immaturity comes in all flavors.

Manager: Why haven’t you shipped any code today? It’s almost lunch.

Dev: Stuck on a bug

Manager: I’ll help you

Dev: Please don—

Manager: Have you tried thinking outside the box?

Dev: …Dear god please end my existence

Manager: You could try stack overflow too, have you ever used that site before?

Dev: 😮 🔫

Manager: Also sometimes bugs are caused by npm modules so rule that out first

Dev: *On knees praying to Zues for forgiveness and/or conveiniently placed lightning strike*

You know whom to blame, don't you?

LinkedIn Feed is a depressive place.

It's cool.

I have less than four weeks before I have to have my project production ready

But why not make me waste my time in useless web based fucking trainings for bullshit HR issues I'll never deal with.

"Don't give gifts of more than $100 to potential clients!" Shut fuck up I don't work with clients.

Piss off and let me do my job.

What's the point of doing estimates per quarter if you are gonna change the estimates to projects that are being worked on to match the release date?

Also doing estimates per quarter before doing investigations on the requirements is a fucking shit way to do estimates. Arguably doing it per quarter is also trash.

We are not doing hardware design for fuck sake, we work on software, you bunch of retards.

God I hate when dev work gets all political.
Our team had a technical meeting with a difficult partner/customer, that wants to connect to our internal service, so we are writing an Integration Service for this.
Apparently the project is very important on both sides and highly political so in the meeting there was a member of the Board of directors of them. We just wanted to check one feature to verify they can connect, etc.
After some minor bugs showed up, that guy goes on ranting about how this is all a joke ("Verarschung" literally) and how we did not deliver all features yet as promised (Note : that was not promised) and basically indirectly personally attacked us, our company and our team.

It's incredible how such assholes can stay in such positions.

I'd like to thank a certain person, who will remain unnamed, for some amazing advice and feedback. There are some truly great people out there, and you wont know until you go and look for them.

She showed me I'm not Brain (knew that one), but I'm probably not Pinky either.

Though I still desire to build giant robots and topple cities like Godzilla playing jenga.

Dont let your memes be dreams.

Imagine this clusterfuck:
A small company creates its own CMS on PHP 5.5 and MySQL, coded by fresh junior devs who apparently just got into coding.

My new employer sadly is one of their customers and now I got the task to migrate a group of tightly linked websites on subdomains to an actually sane and maintainable CMS...

Fuck me...

Apparently the continuous extension of the websites over the years got so labor intense, that the mentioned company lacks the manpower to fulfill further development wishes.

I've looked into the code today... let me tell you, PTSD is helluva thing.

- Each subdomain has a complete copy of the Crap Management System, there is no use of composer packages and each of the 50 folders in the webroot contains a mix of source code and images or other resources.
- LESS is transpiled into CSS by PHP on requests.
- There is no central file for environment variables like a ".env".
- Each website uses at least 5 different versions of jQuery, of which some jquery.min.js files were manually modified.

Don't get me started on how the DB is organized...

My work on this has just started, there will be more I've yet to uncover.

"C'mon, man! Gimme a break!"

I always change "yarn build" to "yarn knit"