I had to integrate an internal service. The doc said:

Lorem impsum...

fuck me I had to reverse engineer it.

Some empty-headed helpdesk girl skipped into our office yesterday afternoon, despite the big scary warning signs glued to the door.

"Hey, when I log in on my phone, the menu is looking weird"

"Uh... look at my beard"

"What"

"Just look at this beard!"

"Uh.... OK"

"Does this look like a perfectly groomed beard"

"Uh... it's pretty nice I guess"

"You don't have to lie"

She looks puzzled: "OK... maybe it could use a little trimming. Uh... a lot of trimming". "I still like it though" she adds, trying hard to be polite.

"I understand you just started working here. But the beard... the beard should make it clear. See the office opposite to this one?"

"Yeah"

"Perfectly groomed ginger beards. It's all stylish shawls and smiles and spinach smoothies. Those people are known as frontend developers, they care about pixels and menus. Now look at my beard. It is dark and wild, it has some gray stress hairs, and if you take a deep breath it smells like dust and cognac mixed with the tears caused by failed deploys. Nothing personal, but I don't give a fuck what a menu looks like on your phone."

She looked around, and noticed the other 2 tired looking guys with unshaven hobo chins. To her credit, she pointed at the woman in the corner: "What about her, she doesn't seem to have a beard"

Yulia, 1.9m long muscled database admin from Ukraine, lets out a heavy sigh. "I do not know you well enough yet to show you where I grow my unkempt graying hairs... . Now get lost divchyna."

Helpdesk girl leaves the scene.

Joanna, machine learning dev, walks in: "I saw a confused blonde lost in the hallway, did you give her the beard speech?"

"Yeah" -- couldn't hold back a giggle -- "haha now she'll come to you"

Joanna: "No I already took care of it"

"How?"

"She started about some stupid menu, so I just told her to smell my cup". Joanna, functional alcoholic, is holding her 4pm Irish coffee. "I think this living up to our stereotype tactic is working, because the girl laughed and nodded like she understood, and ran off to the design department"

Me: "I do miss shaving though"

What kind of psychopath comments code UNDERNEATH??

"Hey that's nice, they added a README, I wonder what this weirdly named repo is and ..."

THIS IS AN EXAMPLE README YOU CAN EXPAND IT BY ADDING INFORMATION ON HOW TO...

"Fuck"

Honestly FUCK frontend, never again

Do devRant devs rant?

In devRant?

Sharepoint dev.

Ffs Bitbucket, is it really so much to ask for to have a mobile responsive website in 2020 to normally review my pull requests.

Not like we're giving you loads of money for your service already or anything.. 😌

Today, I made someones day in 5 minutes by using my phone camera, a picture to pdf converter, and a wireless capable printer to take a sheet of music in a small book, supersize it, and print it so they could read it without squinting.

Sometimes I forget how awesome it is to have this technology on demand, and it takes someone who doesn't have it to realize just how cool it is.

*dockergasm*

Creating images smaller than 20 MB <3

After using git for all this time... I still can never commit changes correctly .-.

Hahaha

They burn my eyes every time.

Yeet my project too 😂😂

So... This company was in trouble. They hire me to help fix things and build this nice new stack to get rid of their old legacy monster application.

I'm there for three weeks when one of their top investors storms in. Apparently they are turning less profit than they told me during my interview. (Yeah, it is one of the things I always ask, even thought I don't always get an answer).

So this investor/shareholder guy starts on this motivation speech which is basically a veiled threat that "we" need to do better.

Obviously he doesn't know anyone in the room other than the boss. And it was apparent, at least to me, he also has 0% knowledge of anything related to software development. The boss doesn't look to happy about having to let this happen.

Then the guy turns to me. He points his finger at me and demands to know how failing so badly makes me feel...

So I answered truthfully... "I've only been here for three weeks, so I don't think I've been failing too much, yet. Now, how long did you say you've been throwing money at this failure without getting the return you wanted?" Emphasizing the "you" by pointing right back at him.

That doesn't shut the guy up, but he does bring his "motivational" speech to a rapid close.

He doesn't bother saying goodbye when he stormed out again, not even to the boss, who looks a lot happier at this point.

Apparently the guy pulled this stunt every couple of months (or weeks, if he was bored enough). After this encounter, he apparently had enough of trying to "motivate" us developers. We I didn't see him again in the 2 years I worked with the company after that.

I got a pay raise the month after. Apparently that was totally unrelated to this incident... 😙🎵

Every time i start a new project :'D

When a bug becomes a feature

Interviewer: Do you know about SQL injection?

Student: Yessss

Interviewer: Okay, how we can prevent it?

Student: Yes, we should prevent it as prevention is always better than cure. It can lead to data loss and other problems so it can be difficult to fix it if it happens. The best case is that nothing like that takes place. [...]

Interviewer: I get it but how?

Student: By not building any web applications.

[Silence]

Interviewer: Nice, you may go. Do not call us. We will call you.

That feel when you spend 2 hours fixing something just so you can fix the thing you originally intended to fix

... ...

After years of coding, I still search google on how to concatenate strings in PHP and python.

Using gitbash on Windows for pretty much everything and watching the dust collect on my mouse

Fuck you unreasonable deadlines.

In programming what is the difference between an expert programmer and a noob??

- they both Google when they're stuck but expert knows what he's searching for and noob learns about what he's searching for!!

What I fear most is the "I used to be a developer like you" type of client.

No, that's not how any of that works.
No, noone uses that anymore.
Please stop trying to correct me.

Contacted ProtonVPN support few days back.
Issue resolved, the Support guy ended up asking about my username's relation with Call Of Duty...
And that's how I ended up making another friend.

I am DONE with this woman.

Background: we're a team of 3 developers and I'm the junior in this team and I've been in this shit for a year now. 2 months ago the team leader left for another project and I had to stand in for him in every responsibility against the PM and other teams.

Now I not only had to endure this insecure woman but I was also supposed to work with her! Fast-forward to today, the team leader is back and I thought I could put my headphones on and work peacefully at last.

But no!

I've found out she's sent a faulty code to production - no big deal - and said that over chat (although she's sitting right behind me):

Me: We need to fix this.
Her: What?

Me: *giving some details about the issue*
Her: Your attitude is important when you ask me to do something. Whenever you're writing to me you're typing on your keyboard like you're going to break it on my head.

*me not knowing what to say at this point because we had something stupid like this before*

Me: So you're offended by the sound my keyboard makes? (I have mx brown switches by the way and they're not even loud)
Her: No you're typing too fast when you're writing to me. The sound echoes in the office.
...

Can you fucking believe this shit? I hate people that think they can educate me but have no idea how to rationally respond to situations and take responsibility! I didn't even say anything!

And she's been saying to me she hadn't had a problem with any other people for gazillion years who knows how long and why would she cause a problem now! And thinks I am the problem, fuck YOU!

Since you don't like receiving orders why hadn't you taken the place when the fucking guy went for another project but I had to take all the responsibility? I know why you fucking entitled bitch.

Because you HAD NO IDEA AND YOU STILL DON'T.

So shut the fuck up and do as I say.

Kind regards

I fucking hate SVN.
Git... I miss you so much it hurts

I'm getting so fucking sick of non-technical business people talking bullshit, nonsense, technobabble on LinkedIn, buzzword buzzword buzzword. Their mouths work so much fucking faster than their pathetic little brains, they should be put up for case study.

1. Doesnt want to pay for server
2. Doesnt want to pay for disk
3. Doesnt want to pay at all
3. Wants the app in 1 week