Not me, but a colleague of mine ordered 10,000 pens with <company>.com printed on them - but our company had a .org address.

A colleague showed me this.

Colleague: As asap as possible!
Me: ಠ_ಠ

New colleague in the office.

Him: How do you rename a file in terminal?
Me: Just sudo rm <filename>, rm stands for ReName.

I'm a horrible person.

Heard a conversation between my colleague and the boss

Boss: (saw my colleague's messy desk) hey, could you organize your desk? It's not nice to see when clients come in. You know what they say, messy desk represents a messy brain..

Colleague: (glanced over to the boss' empty desk) and what does an empty desk say for the brain?

My colleague managed to vertically align in CSS.

Accidently.

He doesn't want it that way.

Dafuq

FUCK PEOPLE WHO INDENT LIKE THIS YOU MAKE ME SICK

The only colleague I'd ever need.

Me: So i will share docker image with you
Colleague: It's a png or jpeg?
😑

Current mood:

- Referred to manager as "Mein fuhrer" to a colleague in slack.
- Reading an email from a recruiter.

<rant>

My colleague (female) hooked up with me, made me do all her project work and dumped me as soon as it was complete.

</rant>

I used "shutdown -r now" on Linux for like 4 years and my colleague just showed me "reboot" command

When my colleague asks for help when debugging, I like to start of with setting a few breakpoints.

one time while my colleague was away from his computer, I changed every system sound to a loud, elongated moan.

Management: "We have a Team Building session next week"
Colleague A: "Paintballing"
Colleague B: "Go-Karting"
On the day: "Welcome. Today we will be playing an IT Helpdesk Role Playing Game"

Kill me.

FUCK YOU, STOP FUCKING WITH ME! my stupid fucking colleague has just replaced all the semi colons in my repo with Greek question marks for the 5TH FUCKING TIME THIS MONTH. it wasn't funny to start, it isn't funny now, so take your fucking rat-like grin and hyena laugh and FUCK OFF AND WORK! fuck me

Fake windows update + f11 = colleague complains all day!

Colleague: "What is a pl file?"

Me: "Oh thats a perl script"

Colleague: "So how do I edit it?"

Me: "Just break out emacs and modify that perl script lol"

Colleague: " *Triggered* did you just assume my text editor preference"

Me:" -_- what year is this ??"

My colleague left her PC unlocked with an open project so I changed all her IDE colors to white. White text on white background! 😈

Colleague: OOP is so elegant, isn't it? *Stares at me with a greedy smile*

Me: ?

Colleague: look how classy it gets!

Kms

My colleague has the best rubber duck ever.

My colleague designer is a real savage 😂

When I'm right in the middle of a difficult piece of code/algorithm and a colleague gets me a cup of coffee without me asking

A guy who doesn't work on our project anymore, but still checks on us regularly just did this:
- reported a bug
- started explaining what's causing the issue
- realised the problem was in a piece of code written by him before
- fixed his own mistake, committed it and created a pull request

We all had a good laugh.

Reason # 567 Why i want to murder my colleague.

Is it OK to make chewing noise when eating in the office a meter away from your colleagues?

I have the answer for you my friend:
.
.
.
ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NO.

My colleague just committed some code with description "improved some bugs"

...should I be worried? 😂

"Who the fuck wrote this garbage?"
colleague checks commit log
"..."
"Fuck, it was me"

Colleague (lets call him john) does this sometimes at the moments you least expect it, funny as hell:

random colleague: *walks towards john* hey john, do you have a second?
John: *face turns dead serious/scared* h-h-how do you know my name? 😶
Colleague: hahaha, nice try, I've got this server issu...
John: Who are you? Get away from me 😶
*everyone laughing*
*johns face turns normal again*
John: what's up mate? *biggest goddamn smile ever*

This is why I like it when my colleague can't make it to work 😁

my colleague wants to build a wall.

Here I am, 'Junior' in my title and on my paycheck, training my 'Senior' colleague on the concept of variable types.

My colleague has the second best looking stress ball ever!

Headphones are in, colleague calls my name, I take them out a little annoyed at the interruption.

Colleague: what did one window say to the other?
Me: you're such a pane you know that?
Colleague: no but fuck! That's better

When your colleague is having the time of his life writing unit tests

I told my colleague today that he didn't pass the Turing Test.
He did not understand.
Which proves my point.

Me: Can you go to that page and see if the issue is fixed?

Colleague: if I go there it breaks things

Me: yes, it should be fixed now, can you please check it to make sure?

Colleague: but if I go there it will break things

Me: Can you just go to the page

Colleague: it broke something

Me: what did it break?

Colleague: I don't know

Me: ...then how do you know it's broken

Colleague: because the gallery doesn't work

Me: WELL THEN THATS WHAT'S FUCKING BROKEN THEN ISN'T IT

This is how my colleague is making JavaScript object literal.

Enough said.
😐🔫

When I got my first job, and saw my colleague talking to a duck..

When my colleague s mac has the windows issue.

Colleague got a few statical electricity (or however you say that) shocks.

After yet another one:

Colleague: seriously, again?
Me: damn, that's quite shocking!
C: *blank stare* bro.... 😐

😄

Arguing with my colleague that i already fix the damn bug

I forgot to push it

So today I was working on some PowerShell scripts and I get a question from a colleague
Colleague: So, How's your girlfriend doing ?
Me: "You cannot call a method on a null-valued expression" -ForegroundColour "Red"

*Colleague throws something at me*
Totally worth it!

!rant

My colleague did a "btw, I use Arch" in the daily scrum meeting. 🤣

I love how my colleague impress me

A logician comes back from paternity leave and enters his shared office.

His colleague: Hey! Congratulations with your newborn, is it a boy or a girl?

Logician: Yes.

!rant
Colleague handed me an orange to eat it, I returned it with a minor improvement. She didn't get it.

My colleague has a Masters in linguistics, his comments are... thorough

I am that colleague that writes bad quality code

Proud moment when a colleague noted how easy it was to re-purpose my code for his needs☺

Colleague: You know something about Java, right?
I: Yes..

(colleague shows some FRONTEND JAVASCRIPT and asks a question about it, FYI i am a BACKEND JAVA dev)

🙄😒

Colleague: Just commit to the current branch so we don't ruin the dev-branch
Me: We could also just create a new branch?
Colleague: No use this one, branches don't "grow on trees"
Me: *facepalm*...

We all have that "Full-Stack" colleague.

When you and your colleague discover Gitkraken !

I, (a British developer), just had to explain how American Zip Codes work to my US-based colleague...

PM emailed me a document from a customer to distribute it to the right people.

Me (in my head): WTF? You are the PM, that's your fucking job.

But I opened the document and read it. Some blah about requirements we discussed with the customer earlier. And the request to sign it as agreement on the requirements. The customer even put the names of the people at the end, he suspected to be the right ones.

So I send an email back to PM that this is project stuff, not my business. Case closed for me.

Half an our later PM enters my office, telling me he thought I was the right guy for this topic and he didn't know who else could be interested in it.

So I told him that this document is about defining project requirements and that he could have sent it to the people that are mentioned at the end of the document.

Turned out he didn't even opened the document. F...A... Wasted my time instead of doing his job.

Guess next time I'll be reading his documents at as good as he does.

A former colleague of mine:

Convert.ToInt("One");

When told that this throw an error, he responded: "No, because see, it compiles".

The single most productive thing I've done today was teaching my colleague how to send GIFs over Slack...

I am DONE with this woman CONTINUED!

I didn't think I'd have to put another rant about this stupidity at least not this soon but she just keeps on giving!

I have my noise canceling headphones on most of the time and when I want to hear the people around, I just put the right earcup of it to the side of my ear so the music pauses. Today we had a huge disrupt on our services because of a network switch error on the hub. I was also trying to focus on my coding as I didn't wanna do a stupid mistake on the last working day and be sorry about it in the next week.

So this woman sneaks up on me from behind calling my name - meaning she has a question, surprise! -, I say 'yes' moving my head to her side ever so slightly without getting my eyes off of my screen stating subtly that I'm also listening to her while trying to focus on my shit. She starts yelling at me 'look at me!' out of nowhere! I turn my head and ask what the problem is and she asks why I'm not looking at her face! Stupid moron, I might not be too good in understanding your way of communication but you are the one asking so you WILL wait if you'd like to hear answers.

I say I'm working on something and her answer is again 'Why aren't you looking at my face it's going to be quick bla bla did we do this like that?' and I answered I didn't remember because there's no way I'd ever remember without looking further and it was no lie.

This woman clearly has stability issues and everyone else seem to be tolerating it. It's now obvious as I'm not tolerating the nonsense I'll be the one that 'she only has ever had a problem with'.

I was quick to de escalate the situation but now I'm thinking maybe I should've responded in a way that she could understand. I wouldn't ever give a shit about it but this is getting ridiculous.

Today a colleague of mine asked me to help with some javascript. So I said sure, it will be done in 5 minutes. Im a fullstack developer with a focus on backend in this project.
So I opened the frontend part and was amazed how shit the javascript file was. Yes you read it right FILE...
One big file with a lot of variables in the window scope.
Because she was in “charge” of the frontenders because she works there a bit longer then me I never checked the frontend code.
I said I wont/cant help unless I see better code. I explained to a trainee what could be done to change it and Im impressed that the trainee did a better job then the employee and quick as well.
Got the whole code in seperate files with each part of the code in seperate scopes within 2 hours.

What Im saying here is that even as student, intern or trainee you can know things better thsn someone with experience, dont be afraid to speak up. Because everyone can learn from eachother.

Old story.

Colleague: "I'm gonna update some tables and stored procedures later"

*phone rings two hours later*

Colleague: "Hi! Just wanted to tell you I accidently dropped all our production databases. Have fun recovering them 😊"

Well shit.

When your colleague calls you 'bro' but plays politics and bitch biting behind your back :|

Some former colleague just blatantly commented out units tests I wrote for his build to pass. What the...

Wrote a python script and debugged in about 3 hours. Script saves a colleague 20 hours per week. #resumeworthy

Young colleague: help me! My pc won't turn on!

Me.goto(colleague.desk)

Y. Colleague: See? I pushed the button and it didn't turn on!
Me: Have you tried push it a second time?
Y. Colleague:... No....
Me.push(start_button)
Pc turning on..

Once my fuckin annoying colleague replaced all console.log to alert in our hybrid app..

And back then my testing logs used to be idiotically profane :|

Needless to say, I faced the fuckin wrath of clients :/

So, there is this guy whose arguments on "How Apple is bad" are

1) "while copying files in Finder, you don't see a speed graph (like in Windows)"
2) "MacBooks don't have a Touchscreen"
3) "it's slow"
4) "you can't play games (like GTA V)"
5) "having app menus always on the top of the screen instead of in every window makes no sense"

Arguments on "why Linux is bad":

1) "it's ugly"
2) no gaming (same as point 4 above)
3)... And other biased irrelevant shit

Yet his amazing old Windows 10 computer with the most recent Insider build has only a 65% chance of booting on the first attempt. Almost nothing works properly on his hardware yet he always blames something unrelated to him.
Recently I was having trouble with the workplace wifi (for few minutes I wasn't having full speed like he on the other side of the room had), and his reaction "aha, it's your macOS, never working".

Like wtf. I don't hate Windows or I don't love Linux, but I night hate him for being an arrogant cunt and I want to punch his face.

My colleague came up with a great idea for a pocket reference guide

My colleague just found the following code in our program:

Colleague: "IBM: Infamous Brotherhood of Motherfuckers"

When your colleague writes code like minified JS. 😱

if (ENV === “dev”)
{....}

^ An ex-colleague Pushed this to production and asked why the code didn’t work.

WHY BITCH, WHY?

Do you also have a colleague that, if it were up to you, would have been fired months ago?

Uptight colleague: "It's Thursday. Why are you wearing jeans?"

Me: "Um... Dress for the job you want?"

My friend told me stories about his colleague who's always against him.

One time, during their management meeting, that colleague suggested that they should have a suggestion box in the office.

So my friend proposed that they use Google forms. He presented how Google forms work and the majority got really impressed(except the colleague).

Naturally the colleague is against him, he said "this is not what I had in mind". He wanted to have an actual box and people write suggestions on paper and drop it in(suggesting the ancient way).

Every meeting, the colleague complains a lot, and my friend provides techy and convenient solutions.

Colleagues talking among themselves about gods, form of higher power, etc.

Colleague 1: *to colleague 2* So you believe in superhumans?

Colleague 2: I believe in God.

Colleague 1: *to me* What about you?

Me: Yeah. Superhumans exist. I have to deal with them everyday. Because stupidity levels that high aren't practically possible in normal humans.

Every 20 minutes, the newcome colleague asks me a question to which he can get an answer by reading the language's tutorial.

Whenever I have to work on others' code

My colleague often forgets to lock his computer when he’s away from it. I’ve told him countless times that he should lock it because of company privacy reasons. Yet he forgets. I’ve started to change his IDE font to Comic Sans lately, the team always gets a good laugh when it happens.

But it’s starting to get old, any ideas of what I can do? 😈

I shared public IP of a server to a fellow software engineer. He has ssh login access to that server.

He needs private IP of the same server to run some script.

He is asking me for private IP. Did he really graduate in computer science ?

BTW, his development machine is a Linux machine.

FML.

Sometimes i'm reading a rant and thinking this could be my colleague two desks further.

I am DONE with this woman.

Background: we're a team of 3 developers and I'm the junior in this team and I've been in this shit for a year now. 2 months ago the team leader left for another project and I had to stand in for him in every responsibility against the PM and other teams.

Now I not only had to endure this insecure woman but I was also supposed to work with her! Fast-forward to today, the team leader is back and I thought I could put my headphones on and work peacefully at last.

But no!

I've found out she's sent a faulty code to production - no big deal - and said that over chat (although she's sitting right behind me):

Me: We need to fix this.
Her: What?

Me: *giving some details about the issue*
Her: Your attitude is important when you ask me to do something. Whenever you're writing to me you're typing on your keyboard like you're going to break it on my head.

*me not knowing what to say at this point because we had something stupid like this before*

Me: So you're offended by the sound my keyboard makes? (I have mx brown switches by the way and they're not even loud)
Her: No you're typing too fast when you're writing to me. The sound echoes in the office.
...

Can you fucking believe this shit? I hate people that think they can educate me but have no idea how to rationally respond to situations and take responsibility! I didn't even say anything!

And she's been saying to me she hadn't had a problem with any other people for gazillion years who knows how long and why would she cause a problem now! And thinks I am the problem, fuck YOU!

Since you don't like receiving orders why hadn't you taken the place when the fucking guy went for another project but I had to take all the responsibility? I know why you fucking entitled bitch.

Because you HAD NO IDEA AND YOU STILL DON'T.

So shut the fuck up and do as I say.

Kind regards

Told a colleague at my distribution center job about devRant (web dev).

Let's see if he joins 😄

Made a colleague cry when I told him I'm leaving.

So much love...

My colleague is having a rubber ducking session over here 🐥

You dense motherfuxker. There is a reason why we create a separate feature branch, put our code there, check the CI and THEN merge that to master. The whole reason of merge feature to master is that the CI DOES NOT GET FUCKED UP! You never keep committing your feature changes directly to master. THAT'S HOW YOU FUCK THE CI UP.

Finally got a girl iOS dev colleague on the team 😊

My colleague and his modeling career

Colleague: Cookies taste best with Coffee.
Me: Tried them with sessions?

I made a ranty horn, for when I feel the need to publicly shame a guilty colleague.

Arrays start from 0... 1?

When colleague fixes bug you thoughtfully created for him

My senior colleague

Me: How can I delete pushed commits from origin?
Colleague: Just do git reset --hard and then git push -f
Me: But this is dangerous
Colleague: Wait, I'll do it myself
Colleague: Done
Me: But nothing happened
Colleague: Fuck. I just removed all changes on my own branch

Colleague: Hey! This is not finished!
Me: Did you pull from the repo?
Colleague:
Me:
Colleague: Oh look, it's finished.

When my colleague was given a MacBook to work on 😂

-Friday
Me: *pushes fix for an issue in app*

-Tuesday, the next week
Colleague: "Hey, dude, fid you fix that issue?"
Me: "Yeah, it's available since Friday morning"
Colleague: *e-mails me screenshot with the issue still present*
Me: "That's odd, let me check that on your machine"
Me: *opens the app on his machine, the issue really is there, starting to freak out that I messed up the repo*
Me: "Why the hell would that not work... wait a sec, lemme check something.."
Me: *checks the app version and discovers that it's from 2 months ago*
Me (turns on colleague): "I guess, you should update it to see the newest functionality"
Me: *goes to the toilet, locks himself up, cries*

Yeah so my colleague just started talking about purchasing Bitcoin in a store. A physical store.

At my current project we use SVN, but today I noticed a colleague of mine uses another version of version control as well.

Example:
V1:
console.log('Hello, world!');

V2:
//console.log('Hello, world!');
document.write('Hello, World!');

V3:
//console.log('Hello, world!');
window.alert('Hello, world!');
//document.write('Hello, World!');

Every singletime Ive to remove 40 lines of comments before Im able to follow the code and refactor it.

After unpacking my stickers and stress ball today
Non-dev colleague: What's devrant?
Me:

When your colleague is so impatient that he send 100s of emails for a small issue and you cant block him :|

Email 1
Email 2
Email 3
Dude at least let me read the issue in email
Email 4
Email 5
Dude you could have sent..
Email 6
Email 7
Sent.. me a ping on Slack
Email 8
Email 9
WTF man
Email 10
Email 11
Wait dude I am working
Email 11
Email 12
Working on your issue chillex
Email 13
Email 14
Email 15
Email 16
What the fuck :|
Email 17
Email 18
Email 19
Email 20
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Email 21
Email 22
Email 23
Email 24
Email 25
WHAT THE FUCK MAN :|
Email 26
Email 27
Email 28
I will kick your ass :|
Email 29
Email 30
Email 31
Email 32
Email 33
I will kill you :||
Email 34
Email 35
Email 36
I will fuck your mother :|||
Email 37
Email 38
Email 39
Email 40
I will drop a nuclear bomb on your Ass
Email 41
Email 42
Email 43
Email 44
.
.
.
.
'Its still coming' :|||¦

After my colleague noticed me of this..."feature", I immediately thought I'd ask you all, why is it even implemented then?

!rant

Our colleague is celebrating his 10 years at our company, he's in for a surprise :D

(Spray Chalk)

We all have that colleague...

...I am that colleague.

This append to my colleague after redocking.. Never seen such a resolution! I laught so hard.. X)

Colleague: I have an error in my application, can you help me?
Me: Sure
*walks next to him*
Me: So... What is it?
Colleague: Here, it won't run
*launches the application and runs perfectly*
Colleague: Tell me your secret senpai

Third day at the new job and I told a collegue about devRant and how great it is. He joined.

Really not sure if showing devRant to my colleague was a good idea or not :|

Retarded senior web dev:

shouting 'STOP' to the ones who pointed out his design flaws

cannot accept a js file with more than 100 lines.

nitpicking others not limited to his owm group

eager to try bleeding edge alpha builds packages for large application

left the company before finishing the project he started

Distracted by a colleague. Accidently topped up Pot Noodle with coffee.

That feeling when a coworker screws up totally. doesn't accept it as their fault.

You look at the code and see so much of redundancy and bad practice galore.

You look at it for a while and think you can rewrite it from scratch. But you finally end up saying "fuck this" and feel hopeless because there is not enough time.

Hate that feeling. Hate it. Depresses.

If your colleague is irritating you too much and you want to take a revenge.

Then just type chmod 777 -R /

in the terminal and press enter.

See what happens later.

Really fed up with my colleague and possibly my job. Am starting to doubt am cut out to be a developer

Am a junior java dev , been working working for this company for about 2 years now. Although they hired me to be a java dev, they pretty much exclusively had me working on JavaScript crap because none of the other more senior devs wanted to do even so much as poke JS with a long stick....

Oh and the salary was crap but i figured since i had barely 3 years of exp i thought i would stick with it for a while

But a few months ago after seeing other opportunities I got fed up and threatened to quit , already started interviewing etc
Got an offer, not exactly what i wanted but better than where i was. Went to quit but they freaked out and started throwing money at me. They matched and exceed the other salary and promised to addressed the issues that made me want to leave. Ie get me to work more on the java side of the project and have me work with someone more senior who could sort of mentor me, i had been working semi solo on the js shit till then...

The problem is that my supposed mentor is selfish prick... he is the sort of guy who comes in real early, basically he goes to early morning prayer then come in at some ungodly hour and fuckoff home around 3pm

He does all his work early morning then spends the rest of the day with his headphones on stealthily watching youtube, amazon, watching cricket, reading about Palestine , how oppressed muslims are or building a website for some mosque.

I asked him to let me sit with him so that I could just learn how this or that part of the sys worked , he agreed then the very next day comes in and does all the work before i get in at 9 , i asked him how he did it and he tells me oh just read the code.

Its not as simple as that, out codebase is an old pile of non standard legacy dog shit. Nothing works as it should, i tried to go through documentation online for the various stuff we use , but invariably get stuck when i try the usual approach because it turns out the original devs had essentially done a lot of custom hacks and cowboy coding to get stuff working, they screwed around with some of the framework jars & edited libraries to get stuff to work, resulting in some really weird OSGI errors.

My point is that i cant really just "read the code" or google ...
I gotta know a bit more what was actually modified and a lot of this knowledge isn't fucking documented, theres a lot of " ohhh that weird bug yeah yeah that happens cuz x did this hack some years ago to fix this issue and we kinda built on it, yeah we weren't supposed to do that but heyyy what u gonna do, just do this or that instead"

I was asked to set up a web service to export something, since thats his area of expertise and he is suppose to be teaching me the ropes, i asked him to explain where i should start and what would the general workflow be, his response is to tell me to just copy the IMPORT service and rename it to export then "just do it um change it or something" very helpful indeed (building enterprise application here nothing complex at all!!)

He sits right next to me so i can see how much works he actually does, i know when he just idly sitting there so thats when i ask him questions, he always has his earphones on so each time i gotta find a way to get his attention with a poke or a wave, he will give a heavy sigh and a weary look as he removes his headphones, listen to my question then give me the shortest answer possible before IMMEDIATELY turning away and putting his headphones on as fast as possible regardless of whether I actually understood or even heard what he said. If i ask another question ( am talking like an immediate follow up question for a clarification or something) he will
Do the whole sigh + tired look routing to make me know yeah you are disturbing me. ( god was so happy the day he accidentally sat on and broke them)

Yesterday i caught a glance at his screen as i was sitting down and i think he and another dev were talking about me
That am slow with my work and take forever to get into gear.

Starting to have doubts about my own ability n wether am really cut out to be a developer. I know i can work hard but its impossible to do so when you have no clue where to start and unable to look it up since all the custom hacks doesn't really allow any frame of reference.
Feels like am being handicapped and mocked, yesterday i just picked up my gear n left the office.

I never talk ill about my colleagues, whenever i have a 121 with my mgr i always all is fine, x n y are really helpful etc
I tried to indirectly tell my other colleague about this guy, he told me that guy had kinda mentally checked out of this job and was just going through on auto pilot and just laughed it off (they have been working together for almost a decade and a buddies) my other colleague is pretty nice but he usually swamped with work so i feel bad to trouble him.

Am really Fed up with it all

When your colleague starts with this

This morning I was looking in our database in order to solve a problem with a user registration and I accidentally noticed some users registered with unusual email addresses (temporary mail services, Russian providers and so on...).
I immediately thought about malicious users so I dug into the logs and I found that the registration requests started from an IP address belonging to our company (we have static IP addresses). My first reaction was: «OMG! Russian hackers infiltrated into our systems and started registering new users!»
So, I found the coworker owning the laptop from which the requests were sent and I went to him in order to warn him that someone violated his computer.
And he said: «Ah! Those 7 users? Yeah, I was doing some tests, I registered them. My email address was already registered so I created some new ones».
Really, man? Really? WTF

When your colleague hasn't heard of devRant yet 😮

Le me: writes some handy dandy software for my company

Le my colleague: goes to customer site to do some set up, wants to show customers how do some commands on my tool

Le my colleague: proceeds to open the massive manual I also wrote detailing how to use the tool, closes it immediately saying it's boring

Le my colleague: proceeds to use a very basic command incorrectly, declares it a non-working feature

Le me: ??? *head desk*

MOTHERFUCKER THERE IS EVEN A 'HELP' COMMAND THAT EXPLAINS TO YOU THE SYNTAX IN THE TOOL ITSELF.

To chew with your mouth open or not to chew with your mouth open, that is the question.

Coleague: "Hey! get back to work, stop drawing weeb shit"

(pictured below)

Me: "Heroku's building"

Colleague: "oh, carry on"

Had to integrate legacy code into the new framework.

Me: Where does the virtual sensor come from?
Colleague: It's in the docs.
Me: That step is not in the docs.
Colleague: It is, look into the file $FILE.
Me: Yeah, it's empty :D
Colleague: Nope, it's not.
Me: See, empty (pointing to laptop screen)
Colleague: Why is it empty? (keyboard typing...) Damnit, too many git remotes in my repo :D

when your colleague from India marks eveything as URGENT...

!Rant

Working late nights for the most productivity because you're a night owl and don't have to interact with a new colleague/coworker/manager/client every 5 minutes

When your colleague tooks over most of your TODOs

In all fairness, I'm probably my own most annoying colleague.

Me: "why are you doing this with PowerPoint?"
colleague: "because i'm going to print it"
I left the room

HP = Heat Producer.
one of my colleague troubled with the over heating of his HP laptop says.

My colleague does not use git (well, not for much), hates all external frameworks, and when he sees my code he tells me "that's not how I would have done this", every single goddamn time. Aaand we are the only two developers in our company.

*Sigh*
My colleague produces this code and is completely happy with it .... !!!
Its 2018 FFS!!!

Colleague: Ivy, I have a problem with blah blah.
(Meanwhile we are in two different places)
Me: I'm not sure I understand your problem. Just Google it.
Colleague: I don't want to.
Me: Okay bye.

Question: Are Developers who use Google impostors?

killall -9 colleague

"I always test in production"

This sentence by a colleague made me a murderer (almost).
Jesus...

When a colleague asks me to take a look at his code.

So it's been a while since I've posted as my first few months at the new job have been amazing. But now I'm running into issues with a team member that I need to get off my chest.

So my new job is front end development in React. I'm brand new to it but I was promised time to learn on the job. On my first day the team member I'm now having a conflict with offered me help. He's the most experienced so I gladly took it.

But now several months in I've noticed his teaching style doesn't work for me. He'll go into long theoretical explanations whenever I ask a question and I get overwhelmed with info. And he gets frustrated with my inability to process all that, because he feels I waste his time. So frustrated that at one time he just walked out of work and drove home, which was really upsetting to everyone.

My direct manager and my mentor in the company (our software architect), as well as our scrum master (a consultant) are all aware of the conflict. I've been assigned another colleague to help me out. Things were going ok but he got sick so I had to turn back to the team member with the conflict for assistance. Of course frustrations arose again.

Now yesterday during our sprint planning meeting we had to say what we liked and didn't like about the past sprint. And I brought up I feel I need time for learning and that I don't know where to put that, since we don't have a task for it. I said I also felt past approaches weren't working out and that I'd like to take up the offer to go on training. I was trying to word it very neutral to not upset my colleagues, as they tried their best. But the colleague who I had previous conflicts with took it personal and accused me of not listening and that is why my code is awful. While all I've been doing is rely on his code to learn. Long story short it got very heated and direct manager and scrum master who were present had to shut it down.

I'm thinking of talking to my manager and mentor today. It really hurts when you're accused of maliciousness when all you did was try. I know my code isn't perfect. But I get no help in improving it beyond long winded explanations about theory. If I ask for practical help he says he won't write my code for me. Which isn't what I expect. When I say I followed his example he says I shouldn't copy. But two sentences later he says if I don't know what I am doing I should listen to him. It's really very confused and demotivating as a beginner, but he makes it about how I waste his time and ruin his job for him. I understand he tries his best and that it has to be hard when someone seemingly is as dumb as a bag of bricks. But my manager and mentor told me they support me as long as I continue to show improvement. So I asked for alternatives (training, time to study, or whatever I haven't thought of) and now I feel like the bad person. I'm already someone with crippling low self esteem, and I'm thrown into the deep end. It kinda sucks when someone then tells you from the sideline you can't swim and how swimming works. How about tossing me one of those floaty things and then maybe accept I need to hold on to that for a bit and my technique will need work until I can make it on my own? :(

My coding buddy. 3D printed gopher, got it from my colleague.

When your colleague comments out some of your codes just to reverse engineer how it works. And checked it in!!!

colleague 1 : hii,we need to talk.
Me: okay,what?
colleague 1 : we have issues with you.
Me : post on GitHub bro..!

Its so frustrating when your co-worker whines about project issues in the washroom :|

Let me fuckin pee first motherfu... :/

colleague : Hey I resolved yesterday's error.
me : really? how?
colleague : found it on stackoverflow.
me : Oh. From the question or the answer?

burrrrn!!!

Ask colleague for help, no reply for 3 hours... Since he is 'working from home' ... Riiiiiiiight

Junior colleague just getting to know the trick.

Can't believe a fellow coder, went and undid the changes I had made in the previous commit! The commit he made is totally unrelated to my changes! Admitted, that he wrote the original code. But, he was not doing a check while adding two columns whether they already existed. That means he'll get an SQL error with the latest version, and has to manually deleted the columns. Again! Why are people so territorial about their code??

Colleague: Let's see the luna(r) eclipse.
Me: But that was a while ago.
Colleague: No it is today. Let's go out and see.
Me: Out.!! But how could you run eclipse there?
Colleague: What??
Me: What..?? Oh...!!
*awkward silence*

All the while I was thinking why would a node dev require eclipse, when he could perfectly work with something like vscode. Feels so stupid.

Real story :

There's this one colleague, who was a very good friend of mine. Always helped me in everything. That one friend in the team, who shares a lot of stuff with you.

And she suddenly, turns offensive when it comes to professional things and mainly competitive stuff in the team.
She becomes a completely different person when I get recognition for something in the team or when I become popular in the team.

She has that feeling that she should always stay in the lime light.
When I steal the show by doing something good, she starts to show faces.
Decided that it is a unhealthy friendship, as the friend i knew is no longer a friend when it comes into professional behavior at work,
And it started reflecting a lot in our personal friendship, outside work too.

Decided to cut the friendship and only be colleagues.

Did the same happen to someone else? Did you lose a friend because of things like this?

Our smart and very professional sales guy strikes again,

I had to do some research on if I could print a pdf file directly from the server (be it php / nodejs)

When I told him I had found a solution he said, good job and went away, I was like...hmm k..

A few days later he came to my senior being mad that the project wasn't done in time.. And we were like.. Dude... What project!?

Apparently he made a deal to have a working demo in two weeks, but we (our dev team) never got that message...

TL;DR:
JuniorDev ignores every advice, writes bad code and complains about other people not working because he does not see their result because he looks at the wrong places.

Okay, so I am really fed up right now.
We have this Junior Dev, who is now with us for circa 8 months, so ca. a year less than me. Our first job for both of us.
He is mostly doing stuff nobody in the team cares about because he is doing his own projects.

But now there's a project where we need to work with him. He got a small part and did implement that. Then parts of the main project got changed and he included stuff which was not there anymore. It was like this for weeks until someone needed to tell him to fix it.
His code is a huge mess (confirmed by senior dev and all the other people working at the project).

Another colleague and me mostly did (mostly) pair programming the past 1-2 weeks because we were fixing and improving (adding functionality) libraries which we are going to use in the project. Furthermore we discussed the overall structure and each of us built some proof-of-concept applications to check if some techniques would work like we planned it.
So in short: We did a lot of preparation to have the project cleaner and faster done in the next few weeks/months and to have our code base updated for the future. Plus there were a few things about technical problems which we need to solve which was already done in that time.
Side note: All of this was done not in the repository of the main project but of side projects, test projects and libraries.

Now it seems that this idiot complained at another coworker (in our team but another project) that we were sitting there for 2 weeks, just talking and that we made no progress in the project as we did not really commit much to the repository.
Side note: My colleague and me are talking in another language when working together and nobody else joins, as we have the same mother tongue, but we switch to the team language as soon as somebody joins, so that other colleague did not even know what we were talking about the whole day.

So, we are nearly the same level experience wise (the other colleague I work with has just one year more professional experience than me) and his work is confirmed to be a mess, ugly and totally bad structured, also not documented. Whereas our code is, at least most of it, there is always space for improvement, clean, readable and re-useable (confirmed by senior and other team members as well).
And this idiot who could implement his (far smaller part) so fast because he does not care about structure or any style convention, pattern or anything complains about us not doing our work.

I just hope, that after this project, I don't have to work with him again soon.
He is also one of those people who think that they know everything because he studied computer science (as everybody in the team, by the way). So he listens to nothing anybody explains to him, not even the senior. You have to explain everything multiple times (which is fine in general) and at some points he just says that he understood, although you can clearly see that he didn't really understand but just wants to go on coding his stuff.
So you explain him stuff and also explain why something does not work or is not a good thing, he just says "yes, okay", changes something completely different and moves on like he used to.

How do you cope with something like this?

Rant!

A colleague bought a mechanical keyboard to the office today.

Pro: if you miss a deadline you can blame that colleague.

Con: schizophrenia.

While I had a day off my colleague just fucked up my whole repository.

My colleague can be so fucking annoying I’m close to snapping. It’s morning, I just got it, didn’t have any coffee yet and he asks me “what did you do while I was gone?” (He was away sick a few days). So I start explaining to him the code changes we did and he takes it as an opportunity to interrupt me and ask more questions during my explanation. Mostly because he thinks it’s amusing. I continue explaining not giving in to his shit and he continues interrupting me and tries to make other team members laugh at his stupid face. No one does. I finally tell him to shut up and listen and he does.

It’s like having a kid run around, focusing on every sound other than what is important and trying to be funny when all that’s happening is everyone thinking he’s and asshole that should shut the fuck up. ARGH!!! So annoying.

Colleague: looks perfect

Project manager: make it a little better

Client: I don't care. Just show me the godamn data!

Completely drunk...coming from a farewell Party of a good colleague...sad to see good people leaving

I just hate it when you're happily coding along when a colleague asks you to help him. You try to help him at his computer, but that thing is always slow as shit and has these weird workings. So you go ahead and try to do it quick on your computer. Then during the setup you run into problems. Being the good dev that you are you try and fix those along the way, but somehow you get sucked deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole. The next thing you know you've been working an hour on some shit which should have taken 5 minutes. To top it all off you want to return to what your were actually doing and say "screw it". But there's this nagging feeling and you can't help but finish what you started. Worst of all your colleague hasn't advanced one bit.

Somehow I always feel like a jerk afterwards. Either I quit and didn't help (and didn't fix what needed fixing), or I did help and it took too much time away from stuff I should have been working on :(

!rant

Just saw a colleague deleting company emails after he reads them. He has no fking idea 😂😂😂

You know your build process is slow when your colleague compares it to buying groceries in "communist Romania".

The presumption of incompetence:

Has this ever happened to you?

Starting a task and chatting with a fellow dev-- my first time implementing analytics in this particular app. I mentioned to them that I've been doing analytics implementation on various apps at our company for years, but our current apps' analytics setup is the most intense and this will be a good learning experience for me to dig into.

They responded by sending me code snippets of existing analytics implementations to help me. Not hidden or lesser-known classes, very obvious ones I already had open and was working off of. With advice like "just search the codebase for 'analytics' and 'trackPage''" lol.

I like this person a lot, but this definitely caught me off guard. It felt like something her obtuse manager would do, but not her. This would probably not be a big deal to most but I'm so used to being given unsolicited/unhelpful/irrelevant advice from male devs, and having to be pleasant and thank them, this one was tough to witness.

How do you respond to unsolicited "help"? Does it bruise your ego the way it bruises mine? lol

Colleague: Hey mate you're a subscriber??

Me: No I'm an observable... and a Subject to your subscription....

Colleague: will be a lil late for standup, can wait for me?

Me: ok, don't need to sprint...

That feeling when the project is on GIT, but your retarded colleague uses FTP. Fuck this shit!

The moment you find an ex-colleague used code comments to take someones mobile number, then accidentally committed it. It's been there over a year!

Colleague made the mistake of telling us he uses devRant, the manhunt begins

application runs fine..
colleague makes a small code change..
application crashes..
colleague asks in wonder why the application crashes all of a sudden

did you debug? no
can you debug? ok .. .... ... .. ah it's that change I just did

My colleague referred to his xbox as his “girlfriend”!!!

1 Week ago I took down the development version of an internal demo, leaving only the prod one (temporary space issue). Colleagues were told n+15 times via email, face to face, comments on tickets etc. The prod one has also been live for weeks, and again, they were told when it went up.

This just happened:

Colleague 1: practiseSafeHex can you help me, the demo doesn't seem to be working.

Me: *logs in*, *click around* ... seems fine dude. Are you using the correct URL: <prod-url>.

Colleague 1: let me try again and see.
Colleague 2: practiseSafeHex i'm with Colleague 1, were trying to use the demo, and its not working. Can you have a look, we need it.

Me: I just told him, its fine, I think you have the wrong URL <prod-url>. Can you try again.

Colleague 2: No I have the right one, can you check it.

Me: *does nothing*, yep i've had a look at it, can you try again: <prod-url>.

Colleague 2: Ah its back now, cheers.

They are with a customer now, so I won't say anything, when they get back, one of them is being castrated.

def sayHiToColleagues():
for colleague in colleagues:
if colleague.roomNr > me.roomNr:
break
sayHi(colleague.name)

colleague: how would you center a div horizontally?
me: I wouldn't

There is a colleague of mine who is loud, arrogant and thinks he knows it all. Except when I worked closely with him turned out he doesn't know shit. And he has been in the industry for over a decade! Why the fuck was he hired, I don't know..

Calling the func "PleaseFuckingWorkWithoutErrors"
didn't seem to somve my friends problems...

Alrighty, saturday morning rant time!

I just recieved a mail from one of my not-so-much-loved colleagues.

Now Background first: I work in IT-Support. We provide services for other companies. One of those services is monitoring servers and clients for various things. I recently took over the project (was assigned to do it) and restructured everything, wrote new scripts to test more stuff, successfully tested it internally and rolled it out over the last 2 weeks.

Now one of these scripts hooks into the Windows Update API and looks at the update history. It filters for known Windows Update Agent strings (UpdateOrchestrator, AutomaticUpdates and AutomaticUpdatesWuApp in case you also want to do something like this) and then looks for installation errors over the last 24 hours and wherever there have even been any successful updates over the last one and a half months.

Back to that mail.

My colleague sent me this lovely mail about a ticket i opened about his customers servers beeing all out-of-date on updates.

"This is all wrong, everything's fine. I disabled the checks."

...

It's on bitch.

So i logged on to my work PC via TeamViewer, opened my script, connected to the customer and was ready to debug the shit out of my script, knowing i probably won't even need to.

I looked at the update history via Windows Update itself and behold: 1st April. That's almost 50 days in the past.

So the script works, go figure.

Great, so search for new Updates then.
>None found.

Hm. What could it be? Did my super special colleague forget to care about his very special totally-needs-WSUS-customer WSUS again?

Yup.

Online-Search finds a ton of new Updates.

Screenshot, write pissed mail to colleague, re-enable checks, breakfast.

Colleague just showing me DevRant 😀!

Showed a colleague how < uparrow > is used in bash. That poor guy....
typing everything again must be so hard

Found on a grumpy colleague chair

me : can you get me a coffee ?

colleague : can you code with no bugs?

me : ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Me to colleague: It worked yesterday, right?

"Can you buy a taser from the darknet? A colleague of mine wants one."

How do you politely tell a colleague that his/her code is shit?

I switched desk with a colleague at the office, code seems different...

Looked to my right and saw my colleague trying to solve an issue looking at Stackoverflow

I'm concerned. One of my colleague tested positive today. 😨😰

Some rants are so relatable, that I doubt whether it is my colleague or not.

my colleague received a stress ball, meanwhile the tennis ball is my stress release tool. Not very efficient i must add.

Imagine a time when a colleague contributes a shitty spaghetti of non-optimized code that neither use mnemonic variables nor conventional naming of functions, and you can imagine the dark hours of maintaining it and your fingers itch to fix it but you don't have the time and the responsibility too to do it. He doesn't listen to you and you feel bad to tell this to the boss as the colleague is also a friend you've known since college and is a good person otherwise. No options seems to give peace.

When your colleagues try to convince you that how php is 'THE SHIT' :|

.close_or_that_will_be_your_problem { }

Colleague asks for help setting up deployment job. Tells me he has tried everything. Has no less than 5 typos.

When your colleague constantly tells you to join DevRant but all you wanna do is Rant about them

I've been working for 6 months now, and the boss tells me he's not satisfied with my work compared to someone that has 15+ years experience. He clearly states that for him - it's more important lines of code, than planning and defining the architecture which he don't like because that doesn't provide anything...

Of course, I can just jump into the code if that is whats important. I've seen the code produced by the other guy, and its shit.

The guy is a talker, and knows how to talk. I'm more like, hey lets create a simple design prototype or do some UML diagrams to get a better visualization of what we need.

Anyway, its just annoying to be compared to someone with many years of experience, its not that I can achieve it overnight...

Until I had to write an email to a colleague this morning I didn't realize my "ö" key was broken.