A client that owns a restaurant wanted me to develop a webapp for the restaurant with 15-20 pages and table reservation feature. He wanted to pay me with a "free" dinner in the restaurant.

The wizard

My morning bowl of serial 😂😂

It all makes sense now...

Good job.

Had a good laugh on this one

[via https://twitter.com/ElleOhHell/...]

Client...

This is what happens when I'm asked to document something.

Oh no!

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

Source: Twitter @cryptomanran

Being a programmer is easy!
It's like riding a bike
Except
The bike is on fire
you're on fire
everything is on fire
and you're in hell

Ducky!

I used dropbox as version control.

Loser.

I know it wasn't ethical, but I had to do it.

Semester 4 started this week, we all got to vote which day we wanted the lecture to be held on. There were quite a few options. My preference was Monday at 7:30pm.

So I entered the poll, as I have every other semester. But I noticed something, this particular poll didn't require any form of identification. Not even a Student ID.

I dug deeper, found that it used local cookies to store weather you'd voted or not, this is obviously a security problem, so I opened up Python and wrote a simple Selenium program to automate this process.

I called it the "Vote Smasher". First it would open the webpage, then it would choose Monday 7:30pm and vote. Then it would clear it's cookies, refresh and do it over again.

I ran it fifty times.

Can you guess what the revealed vote was for UCD SP4 IT was?

I heard my lecturer mutter:
"The votes aren't usually this slanted..."

I could hardly contain my giggles.
My vote won by about fifty over the others 😂

Let me just say, it was his fault for choosing such a naive poll system in the first place 😉

Me: Dad, can I borrow your car?
Dad: What's the magic word?
Me: sudo??

buzzword translations:

"cloud" -> someones computer

"big data" -> lots of somewhat irrelevant data

"ai" -> if if if if if if if if if if if if if else

"algorithm" -> something that works but you don't know why

"secure" -> https://

"cyber security" -> kali linux + black hoodie

"innovation" -> adding something completely irrelevant such as making a poop emoji talk

"blockchain" -> we make lots of backups

"privacy" -> we store your data, we just don't tell you about it

I was suppose to review this code.

if (null != value) {
return value;
} else {
return null;
}

"Code reviews don't really offer any benefit to the business."

Client: We want a mobile shooting game with multiplayer, In-app purchases, leaderboard and stuff and you should also help us in publishing it.

Me: Cool what’s you budget?

Client: max $100.

I never replied again.

- We need a „Save Session“ - Button in the Navbar.

- No problem

- ... and the icon should be a thumbs up!

Yeah... uuuh... Makes perfect sense... 🙃

A customer once wanted a button to sort a table column by name (alphabetically).
We told him, he just needed to click the column once.

The response:
C:"I still want that button!"

Just why...?

Our website doesn't look the same on phone and desktop.

Please remove responsivness.

Not sure if this counts as a dumb request but:

Customer- There are too many tasks, we need a 'SELECT ALL' button to complete everything easily
Me- sure that's easy to add
(After addition)
Customer- people are completing the tasks too fast! We need to get rid of the select all !

Ugh

Me: "We are gonna move away from Google services."

Him: "Ok. Just make it EXACTLY like Googles services. I won't use anything with less features."

Me: "Look, I can offer you something with more privacy and security under european law. It may not be EXACTLY like Google. If I could do that I wouldn't be here obviously."

Him: "As long as I'll work here I'll not work with something less than Google."

Inner me: AAAARGHHH FOR FUCKS SAKE!! I'LL STICK THOSE GOOGLE SERVICES UP YOUR ARSE SO THEY CAN SPY ON YOUR FUCKING GUTS!"

Me: "Well, in this case I'm glad that you are not alone to decide that."

After giving them a 30min talk about the importance of proper commit hygiene and the dos and donts of git, I proceed to commit changes of different nature in 4 files as a single commit named "did stuff".

I lost all authority on the subject forever.

Comboboxes with inline checkbox for multiselect 😂

Boss : "just" hack the google AdWords and show our company ad everywhere on google search"

"Don't you know that everything can be hacked?"

Me : "Ok, first let me ***k you."
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I mean "let me hack you"

Had to consume a soap webservice which spits out a XML of 5000 lines with ambiguous node names and a shitload of data that needs to be parsed.

Built a ORM model to hold all the data and I already built a Xmlparser which works like a boss.. untill now..

I've been debugging for 3 hours, cursing every God man ever made up. Swearing at my screen like a madman... but this particular set of nodes just didn't got saved properly to the DB...

Alright, so my ORM definition is fucked... nope... Alright, so my XmlParser is fucked... nope...

Whaaaaat the fuuuuck...

Oh wait, I've been checking the wrong table for hours....

Hooray for ambiguous tables because I followed the ambiguous structure.

I am going to get drunk now.

X

So I wanted to send an email to Microsoft to request a feature in their new "To-Do" app.

I went to the play store and scrolled down to the end where it says "Send an email to developer".

Clicked on that. And here is the email address:

"noreply@microsoft.com"

😑 😑