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Search - "dafuq is this shit"
How my birthday is going so far:
1. Dropped coffee on my shirt
2. Client is wondering why we removed a feature that he wants yet asked us to remove a week ago
3. Dev server is no longer working
4. Internet connection is shit
5. My VPN keeps on disconnecting (see #4)
Is this day going to end or what?53
This is what I have to deal with right now... 🙂🔫
Why would you not comment or name your variables so someone else can understand wtf is going on here?
*Sees a posting for iOS/Android devs*
*Read description to find: Good knowledge in Eclipse for Android*
Which year are we in? Have they heard of Android Studio?6
Me : *Logs in to Microsoft account to delete account*
MS: Eeeeeeeee, Add a recovery email or a number!!
Me: Wth! I want to delete my account, why would I give details of one more account.
*sees there is no skip button*
*Opens temp mail and gives temp email*
MS: Eeeeee, Now add recovery phone number!!!
Me: What the actual fuck!! No!
*Refreshes and its gone*
Me : *clicks on delete account*
MS: Eeeeee, we are sad , you will loose all data. also your synced device won't start unless you set 'reset protection' to 'disable'.
Me: Hmmmm, deceptive, how do I disable this reset protection.
MS: click here : link
Me: *Clicks to open devices, there is no fucking option called reset protection*
*Dafuq!! You wanna get complicated? Ok! Fine!! Get this now!
*Removes the account from every fucking thing from my system, one drive, store and what not*
*Disable this shit now*
MS: ok, disabling, please check the security code on your temp email!
Me: Glad I didn't close the temp email tab, here, do your shit now!
MS: Are you sure?
MS: Really sure?
Me: ..... Yes
MS: We have flagged for deletion, but if you want to activate back click on the only button we show you on the entire screen.
Me: I know these games of yours. They stand no chance in front of my awareness!!
*Copies url from bitbucket*
*Switch to Slack on macOS*
*Presses command + v*
Slack: whaaaaaaaaaat :O I'm gonna freeze for few moments to understand what the fuck you just asked me to do4
FOR FUCK SAKE MAKE UP YOUR FUCKING MIND !!!!
Been working on an app at work for 9 months and now PM tells me customer wants to change flow of the app!!!
Kill me please ASAP!6
"four million dollars"
TL;DR. Seriously, It's way too long.
That's all the management really cares about, apparently.
It all started when there were heated, war faced discussions with a major client this weekend (coonts, I tell ye) and it was decided that a stupid, out of context customisation POC had that was hacked together by the "customisation and delivery " (they know to do neither) team needed to be merged with the product (a hot, lumpy cluster fuck, made in a technology so old that even the great creators (namely Goo-fucking-gle) decided that it was their worst mistake ever and stopped supporting it (or even considering its existence at this point)).
Today morning, I my manager calls me and announces that I'm the lucky fuck who gets to do this shit.
Now being the defacto got admin to our team (after the last lead left, I was the only one with adequate experience), I suggested to my manager "boss, here's a light bulb. Why don't we just create a new branch for the fuckers and ask them to merge their shite with our shite and then all we'll have to do it build the mixed up shite to create an even smellier pile of shite and feed it to the customer".
"I agree with you mahaDev (when haven't you said that, coont), but the thing is <insert random manger talk here> so we're the ones who'll have to do it (again, when haven't you said that, coont)"
I said fine. Send me the details. He forwarded me a mail, which contained context not amounting to half a syllable of the word "context". I pinged the guy who developed the hack. He gave me nothing but a link to his code repo. I said give me details. He simply said "I've sent the repo details, what else do you require?"
Dafuq? Dude, gimme some spice. Dafuq you done? Dafuq libraries you used? Dafuq APIs you used? Where Dafuq did you get this old ass checkout on which you've made these changes? AND DAFUQ IS THIS TOOL SUPPOSED TO DO AND HOW DOES IT AFFECT MY PRODUCT?
Anyway, since I didn't get a lot of info, I set about trying to just merge the code blindly and fix all conflicts, assuming that no new libraries/APIs have been used and the code is compatible with our master code base.
Enter delivery head. 2nd motherfucker.
This coont neither has technical knowledge nor the common sense to ask someone who knows his shit to help out with the technical stuff.
I find out that this was the half assed moron who agreed to a 3 day timeline (and our build takes around 13 hours to complete, end to end). Because fuck testing. They validated the their tool, we've tested our product. There's no way it can fail when we make a hybrid cocktail that will make the elephants foot look like a frikkin mojito!
Anywho, he comes by every half-mother fucking-hour and asks whether the build has been triggered.
Bitch. I have no clue what is going on and your people apparently don't have the time to give a fuck. How in the world do you expect me to finish this in 5 minutes?
Anyway, after I compile for the first time after merging, I see enough compilations to last a frikkin life time. I kid you not, I scrolled for a complete minute before reaching the last one.
Again, my assumption was that there are no library or dependency changes, neither did I know the fact that the dude implemented using completely different libraries altogether in some places.
Now I know it's my fault for not checking myself, but I was already having a bad day.
I then proceeded to have a little tantrum. In the middle of the floor, because I DIDN'T HAVE A CLUE WHAT CHANGES WERE MADE AND NOBODY CARED ENOUGH TO GIVE A FUCKING FUCK ABOUT THE DAMN FUCK.
Lo and behold, everyone's at my service now. I get all things clarified, takes around an hour and a half of my time (could have been done in 20 minutes had someone given me the complete info) to find out all I need to know and proceed to remove all compilation problems.
Hurrah. In my frustration, I forgot to push some changes, and because of some weird shit in our build framework, the build failed in Jenkins. Multiple times. Even though the exact same code was working on my local setup (cliche, I know).
In any case, it was sometime during sorting out this mess did I come to know that the reason why the 2nd motherfucker accepted the 3 day deadline was because the total bill being slapped to the customer is four fucking million USD.
Greed. Wow. The fucker just sacrificed everyone's day and night (his team and the next) for 4mil. And my manager and director agreed. Four fucking million dollars. I don't get to see a penny of it, I work for peanut shells, for 15 hours, you'll get bonuses and commissions, the fucking junior Dev earns more than me, but my manager says I'm the MVP of the team, all I get is a thanks and a bad rating for this hike cycle.
4mil usd, I learnt today, is enough to make you lick the smelly, hairy balls of a Neanderthal even though the money isn't truly yours.4
You know what a fucking good place for 1000s of mp4s, pdfs, doc files, exes and svgs is? Yeah, the bloddy SVN,which mirrors to git.
And how about a ibm websphere install zip with tiny 1.3gb?
And of cause you store your fuckin perl and Shellscripts, that have been written by a plain lunatic and that are responsible for installing the crap in the repo.
What? One repo for one component? Nah, cramp like 150 different projects into on repo.
And the most important scripts have to be kept unversionized ... For reasons.
And this is just the tip of the iceberg of shit.
Btw. websphere ships its own apache2.2 and its own security lib and its own openssl compilation, with ibm java ... Filesystem hierarchy standard? Dafuq? If you want to find something it better be like where is waldo - right, IBM? And command arguements? Man pages, usable documentation, usable deployment? How did any of this ever seem like a good idea to anyone?
Go get a koloscopy with a submarine periscope, IBM.
I hate my life
fuck this shit
Oh I used the wrong list
*jumps from the top of the mountain*
well, that escalated quickly...
today a coworker was asked if he could write a query to find customers which placed orders matching some criterias. so far so good. he write the query and put the result into a spreadsheet and gave it to the lead.
"i need it in another format" (he did not specify any format before nor did he tell which columns he is interested in). 2 hours later the query was finished.
then, the coworker got a call from the leader. he wants to see us both in his office.
"okay, we need to write a personalized mail to every customer with the orders in a spreadsheet as an attatchment. we also need this on paper as not everyone reads our mail. we want to send letters. the whole process needs to be finished in half a day and we want it automated. i do not want to have one of the sales department waste 2 hours writing stuff himself".
well, you can imagine my thoughts on that.
the personalized text is not finished. we wasted another 3 hours thinking about how to solve this crap.
luckily i have some projects from the past which can do this shit with some changes... but what the fucking hell was this?7
Fuck you VS Code! Have to reboot my VM every four hours because that piece of shit starts glitching on the screen and freezes the entire system when I want to close it!8
I have good knowledge frontend/backend web development but i didnt know php cause i heard so much shit about it. I finally made up my mind to learn it.
I fucking hate php
>>> MAMP doesnt fucking work when i installed it
>>> After it finally works, I change the sql password. WHY THE FUCK DO I NEED TO GO TO LIKE 10 FILES AND CHANGE THE GODDAMN PASSWORD IN EACH ONE.
>>> php doesnt work if the <?php tag isnt at the top -> this shit wasnt even mentioned
>>> why the fuck would you use '->' for everything when a simple '.' would suffice.
>>> useless class system (more like a pseudo class system)
>>> foreach ($list as $item) dafuq that is not even correct english, what is wrong in "foreach ($item in $list)"
i hate php10
//long rant ahead!
I need to plan a Wiki with SharePoint for not connected Sites.
Im now in dispute with my CoWorker since 3 Months, this is how the conversation goes. My two bosses are involved in this and also unhappy about SharePoint.
[C refers to CoWorker, M for me]
C: Hey, we finished SharePoint with Selfservice Storage Rooms. They even have a Wiki.
M: Okay cool, will check it out
C: Well we need to also plan the Wiki inside, I already asked our Department Head and he agreed, that you will be the one.
M: Okkkkaaayy, normaly it's your job to do such things, but welp, I will look into it, if we can work with it.
(2 Weeks pass)
M: I checked SharePoint out and tested everything. The Wiki is a Nogo, we need a other solution or programm for ourself a Wiki Integration/Engine. Did you maybe check out Confluence? It has also a SharePoint integration plugin.
C: We wont do Confluence, too expensive (already overspent the budget for SharePoint in six digits 🤬). Also we wont add to SharePoint Custom Code, it needs to stay standard.
M: Thats impossible, SharePoint Wiki is shit and also handels sites just like documents, no brain behind! Also you overspent the Budget and now it's my Problem?!
C: You need to do the best out of it.
(3 weeks passes and we get a meeting with the department heads)
M: Alright I made a UseCase and documented where the essential flaws are in SharePoint Wiki and why we cant use it.
Boss: Ok if it's impossible to use, then we will stay on our Fileserver for Documents and wont use SharePoint.
M: Thats not my Point, my statement is, as status today, SharePoint Wiki is not the right solution, code or buy software to it.
Boss: We will do a Prove of Concept, if it doesnt work then we will aboard it.
M: Well it is only some missing essentials, like hierarchy and Groups for the Pages, Example Confluence has this. If we could built in this features in SharePoint, everything would work out.
C: (angry) I told you that we wont use Confluence!
M: (calm) I said we need Features, not Confluence. Please mind the consent.
(3 weeks passes, and one more meating with bosses)
M: alright here again is a analyses, why already in Theory the current SharePoint Wiki wont work. It's already flawed in the core.
Boss: Yea SharePoint is crap, I checked out confluence and thats a real Wiki.
C: Well I dont know anything about Confluence and never looked at it. But if SharePoint is a fail we need the Proof of Concept.
M: Why do we need to do a Proof of Concept, when it already doesnt work in Theory! Thats nonsence and unlogical.
Next meeting will be in 4 weeks and I will give him the FUCKING PROOF OF CONCEPT. I will be a Bastard and build behind CoWorkers back a Confluence Wiki to show the Departmentheads how to built it right.
I hate CoWorker now, he makes a part of my loved Job a hell, I will goddamn cuk Coworker to space, that fucking Cukatron of lazyness and shit 🤬. I provide the Solutions and you just say no, how dafuq will the project advance, if you always say NO! Are you so unflexible and fixed on your Castle of Ignorancy!5
What do you mean by you'll shut down the government?!! The government will go on a fucking strike!!? How the fuck does that work?!! You can't make people pass laws by blackmailing that you'll stop doing your job that's so critical to the country!! You are the fucking president!!
Indian politics and laws are not perfect either... But I can't really imagine a prime minister here pulling shit like this!! Not that if I can't imagine it can't happen... Indian politicians know how to stopping lower and lower! But dafuq is that baffoon of a leader thinking!?6
*Triggers OAuth request through browser
Returns : success and valid tokens.
*Another project triggers the same process and code.
Returns : well shit nigga, I know I use the same logic as above but fuck you.