Happened a while ago but I still find it funny.

*phone rings*
Me: good morning sir, how can I help you?
Client: MY WEBSITE IS OFFLINE, FIX IT RIGHT NOW.
M: I'm going to take a look, what's the domain?
C: *gives domain*
M: I see, that domain expired already, it was cancelled through our customer portal by the client, you maybe or someone you know?
C: WHAT?! MY INTERNATIONAL BUSINESS DEPENDS ON THAT DOMAIN, I'D NEVER CANCEL IT, THIS IS BULLSHIT! I'F THE SITE GOES OFFLINE FOR A MONTH I'LL FUCKING GO BANKRUPT, YOU'RE GOING TO FIX THIS RIGHT NOW.
M: if I may ask, how is your business doing right now?
C: HOW IS THAT QUESTION RELEVANT RIGHT NOW?!
M: well, you said that if the site would go offline for a month, you'd go bankrupt. The domain registration ended about half a year ago so that's why I aske......

*beeeeep beeeeep beeeeep*

Well, okay then.

So I was minding my own business and I got a call.

Caller: Is this Fodian?

Me: No it's Floydian. Who do you want ma'am?

Caller: We want to talk to Fodian. Just tell me are you Mr Fodian or not?

*Realises they want to talk to me and wil never be able to pronounce my name right. The lady is barely able to put together words of English to communicate*

Me: Yeah tell me, I am Fodian.

Caller: Are you looking for a job?

Me: *desperately looking for a change* Yes. I am. Tell me more.

Caller: Could you tell where do yoy currently work?

Me: I work for *inserts name*.

Just for the records, my employer is one of the world's top 5 multinational software conglomerate.

Caller: Umm.. sorry never heard of that company. We only work with top global brands. But looking at your profile, we will consider you even if you are from small company. We believe in equality.

Me: *fuck you and fuck your equality cunt* wow! I feel great 🤗

Caller: Will you be comfortable in relocating to different city because we will place with top company. *inserts some shitty company I have never heard of*

*Googles the company. Name doesn't exists*

Me: Ummm... If the opportunity is great then sure.

Caller: So we have a Jr Support Engineer role which matches perfectly with your profile and very few get the opportunity for this role.

Me: *wow really? I am fucking tester* I feel lucky to get this opportunity.

I realised that this was a fraud call and try to goof around a bit. The bitch didn't even know about my profile.

Caller: Okay I will forward your documents to my supervisor for next round. But before that you will have to complete our process.

Me: Okay. What's that?

Caller: You need to transfer 10K to our account as consultant fee or you will be disqualified from this opportunity to work with big company.

Me: Fuck off bitch. *Disconnects*

The spammers are fucking everywhere. And these fake recruiters just waste time.

The bitch can go deep throat an elephant while he drowns her in his gag.

Dear client who called me at 5 a.m with the "emergency" of not having internet. I am not your ISP. Fuck off.

I was about to lose it yesterday.

C: "and on our website we want an AI chatbot that can answer common questions"

M: "that's not the same as AI sir, what we actually do fo-"

C: "no that's definitely AI, I've read up on AI. Are you so behind on the current developments?"

M: "actually AI is just a buzzword. Real AI is way more complex, an-"

C: "geez do I really have to be the guy here to teach you your job? Go read some articles on AI"

I got a colleague to deal with him after this.

Fuck off 😂😂😂

Told my colleagues about devRant and they laughed it off saying that it's just 'another app'.
Fuck them.

That moment when an SEO 'expert' asks if changing ip addresses will put his sites lower in Google.

I'm a fucking Linux engineer, how am I supposed to know that?!

Please live up to your fucking title "SEO *expert*" and don't ask some innocent Linux engineer about this shit 😡

Just watched a video where someone (in relation to the new mass surveillance law in the netherlands) asked people on the street if they had something to hide.

Everyone said no.

"Could you get your phone and show me around?"

Everyone said yes.

"May I take a look at your messages/pictures/browsing history?"

Suddenly 80 percent said no.

"But you said you had nothing to hide!"

"I'm going to take that back."

Potential Employer: So your website does not seem to work well in Internet Explorer. A lot of employers might get annoyed with it.

Me: Yeah, I don't want them to hire me or even send me a message.

Fuck off

Nobody:

Senior frontend Dev at my company: "microservices best thing ever"

Also him: "Relational databases gonna die"

Also him (talking to the DB team): "You're gonna dissapear, Mongo is the future"

Me: "Eh... Dude, Mongo is still a database.."

Him: "Microservices"

Send help...

Can all the people that do this just fuck off?

HTML: 80%

80% OF WHAT?

Website: We care about your privacy and don't sell your information to third parties.

*inspects Privacy Badger*
*notices a truckload of Google/facebook trackers/ad thingies*

Yeah why don't you go fuck yourself.

Every new product these days has the tag line "powered by AI"

FUCK OFF

No it isn't.

A mass of "if" statements isn't AI!

*opens camera*
*permission popup asking for contacts/telephone permissions*

*installs Open Camera*

Really, fucking phone/contact permissions to take pictures?!

Yeah fuck right off.

Had an external hdd for backing up family photos etc. (back when I just discovered Linux and still used windows as well)

Connected it to my windows system and it said that the thing was corrupt and i had to format it.

Well fuck, a few hundred gb's of pictures, memories, backups etc etc probably lost. (keep in mind I didn't know that much about computers at that point)

Was about to format that thing with literally tears in my eyes when I thought I'd, because why the fuck not since I was out of options anyways, try it as well on my Ubuntu installation.

EVERYTHING WAS STILL ON THERE AND PERFECTLY ACCESSIBLE.

After a very much rage attack on windows I formatted the windows partition and used that as a backup space as well :).

Started talking with someone about general IT stuff. At some point we came to the subject of SSL certificates and he mentioned that 'that stuff is expensive' and so on.

Kindly told him about Let's Encrypt and also that it's free and he reacted: "Then I'd rather have no SSL, free certificates make you look like you're a cheap ass".

So I told him the principle of login/registration thingies and said that they really need SSL, whether it's free or not.

"Nahhh, then I'd still rather don't use SSL, it just looks so cheap when you're using a free certificate".

Hey you know what, what about you write that sentence on a whole fucking pack of paper, dip it into some sambal, maybe add some firecrackers and shove it up your ass? Hopefully that will bring some sense into your very empty head.

Not putting a secure connection on a website, (at all) especially when it has a FUCKING LOGIN/REGISTRATION FUNCTION (!?!?!?!!?!) is simply not fucking done in the year of TWO THOUSAND FUCKING SEVENTEEN.

'Ohh but the NSA etc won't do anything with that data'.

Has it, for one tiny motherfucking second, come to mind that there's also a thing called hackers? Malicious hackers? If your users are on hacked networks, it's easy as fuck to steal their credentials, inject shit and even deliver fucking EXPLOIT KITS.
Oh and you bet your ass the NSA will save that data, they have a whole motherfucking database of passwords they can search through with XKeyScore (snowden leaks).

Motherfucker.

Screen is viewed as inverted, but the cursor is still right.
Thank you ubuntu, but fuck you.

Client: so how could we test this 😬
Me: you know what, send me an email at linuxxx@companyname.com and I can look if I can properly reply! Keep in mind though that this is for one time only, no further questions through that email address!
Client: Yes of course! *sends email*
Me: *tests* - *works fine* - *messages client back through the ticket system*
Client: *proceeds to send two follow up questions to my fucking work email address*

Me: *selects emails* - *marks emails as spam and deletes them*

Fucking seriously?! Cunt.

A client called today because their email wasn't arriving at the receipants inbox but bouncing back with a 'poor MTA rating' error.

Checked about every blacklist I know and our server was definitely not blacklisted. Must be the receipants host which for some reason was blacklisting his specific email address.

Told the client that it wasn't a problem on our side and that he had to request a whitelist himself (we'd do it but it wasn't a specific server problem so we're not going to spend time on that).

Fair enough, he'd do that.

Calls back. "Well, the other party says that your server definitely has a poor rating, it's on your side!!"

Alright, this is getting annoying. Gave him a few blacklist checking sites links and told him to run his domain AND our server IP through it. Indeed came back completely clean.

"But the other party said it's poor rating on your side so I'd think tha........"

YEAH WHY DON'T YOU SHOVE THAT OTHER PARTY UP YOUR FUCKING ASS. I'VE SHOWN YOU PROOF THAT IT'S DEFINITELY NOT ON OUR FUCKING SIDE, EXPLAINED IT TO YOU AND SO ON. MAYBE, FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND, TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION THAT THE OTHER PARTY IS FUCKING LYING?!?!?

FUCK OFF.

*pushed some PR

*Lead dev reviews code

-- code --
if (a === b) {
doSomeShit();
}

-- comment --
"Can't you use our own library and use the equal() function inside it?"

*updated, but curious so I looked inside the library

const equal = (a,b) => (a === b)

WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DIFFERENCE???

You know what? I'm fucking done with people telling me that open source alternatives to popular/proprietary suck by default.

Something does NOT suck by default just because it's FUCKING open source.

Have you got any fucking clue where we'd be right now if open source software didn't exist?!

Let me just remind you that about 80 percent of the worlds' servers run Linux. Open-FUCKING-source.

How the fuck are we supposed to innovate without open sourceness? Yes indeed, that would be about fucking impossible.

Although I've got to admit that some open source software programs don't work 100 well (in comparison to alternatives), what are you expecting? People put their free time into that shit and they've got to make money as well.

"well how are programmers supposed to feed their families if they only write open source software?"

Fuck right off. Of course we all need an income to survive. Hell, I need that as fucking well. But there's more to it than just work. Some people consider open source/working on open source software a hobby/passion. That doesn't even remotely mean thaty they don't work/don't need some kind of income.

If it wasn't for open source, we'd be nowhere (technologially seeing) right now.

This hypocrisy pisses me off.

Fuck Zuckerberg and his business ethics.

No! How about you go FUCK yourself instead? If you hash it then the length should NOT MATTER!

If you come to me, and ask for my opinion about something, then you throw “You’re wrong” at my face. Then why the fuck did you ask me in the first place? Fucking cunt

*Gets out of bed*
"Where the fuck is my phone?"
*Aggressively yanks covers off bed*
*Thud*
"Found it" :)

FBI: FUCK!! We just lost our connection to all those civilian routers we were monitoring
FBI IT Department: Did you try turning them off and back on?
FBI:

THEY PULLED IT OFF! THEY FUCKING DID IT. FUCK YES!
GO SPACEX
TO THE MOON
TO THE MARRS
AND FURTHER

Was today national 'lets not use our brains and common sense' day or something?!?

People coming with the most fucking RETARDED questions.

'ive spend hours to try and figure out why my mail isnt sending,?!'

MAYBE TRY SPELLING YOUR FUCKING OWN EMAIL ADDRESS CORRECTLY?!?!?!

Tons more of the kind of shit that you can solve yourself within three FUCKING seconds.

I'm so fucking done with today.

The Irish minister Rudd said today (for the second time I think) that 'WhatsApp gives terrorists a safe place to hide and execute their activities. Might be a good idea in the future to ban encrypted chat apps'. (not literally like that but it's a good summary of her points)

Imaginary dialog:

"okay so encrypted chat apps help terrorists and criminals to execute their activities"

"Alright, let's ban water then!"

"Wait what why would you ban water?!? How will ordinary people be able to drink then?"

"Why would you ban encrypted chat apps? How will ordinary people be able to communicate securely?"

😐
😶
😮
😧
😓

Been lurking here for a while. Finally pissed off enough to post.

Been programming in Ada for nearly a decade now. One of the few younger devs who knows the language well. Have a large collection of libraries and tools written in it, open source. Done contract work. Looking to get out of my current line of work, which is medicine, because fuck this recent legal climate. I'm spending all my time dealing with legal compliance and it rapidly changing.

I see a job posting from a company looking for a programmer to mostly write testing stuff for clients. They mostly work with Ada. I've written a whole unit testing and integration testing framework. Perfect. Apply. "You don't have the required skills." Oh... K then.

Wanna guess what I was just offered as contract work. Same company. I guess i'm fucking qualified if you asswipes sought me out to ask me to fix your fucking bullshit.

What the hell is wrong with management and HR in recent years?

In general, people who are “easily offended”... can fuck right off.

A US senator or judge or whatever his title is said today that he wants companies/governments to build a 'responsible encryption' system.

Preferably that would exist out of a big ass database which stores the private keys of citizens so in case a person loses their private key or the government needs access to encrypted content, that is possible.

NOO, WHAT COULD FUCKING POSSIBLY GO WRONG!?!?!

Seriously those kind of people should not be allowed to have the kind of positions they have.

This shit makes me so angry.

I am a simple man.

I see an angry rant, I upvote.

I've had this twice in a very short period of time now and it really pisses me the fuck off.

Sitting in the train (I think the grammatically correct version is on the train but no that would be a little too dangerous for me I think), on my phone devRanting/Signalling/Rioting around when an an elderly person says (aiming towards me):

"Oh, youngsters and their technology, where has socializing gone? Why are you people always on your phones? Go socialize sometimes!"

Excuse me but fuck right off.

Because you know what, I am currently socializing.

Just not in the way you are used to or maybe even 'okay with'.

I'm talking with friends from all around the world (Signal + Riot), participating in interesting discussions (on here) and what not.

I do have very strict rules for myself though. When in company with people I am actually going to socialize with or when hanging out with friends, the phone goes the fuck away unless I NEED to be reachable.

But I'm on a fucking train with people I don't know and frankly I'm done with socializing for the day as I've had to hear (often stupid) people asking for help all day long.

Next to that, I don't know you, you don't know me, who am I to judge you? I'm not going to socialize with anyone here anyways and even if they'd like to, I'm fucking done with people for to-fucking-day.

Sincerely fuck off please.

Poor Frank :(

Ya know I'm getting really fucking tired of this female only shit in the tech field. Like yes, there's a representation gap in the field. But you ever think it's because lots of females just don't want to fucking do it?

Most of the females I graduated high school with are going for something medical, teaching, and other fields that allow lots of human interaction and helping people. (You sure as fuck don't see people breaking their neck over the misrepresentation of males in the nursing or education field, do ya?)

You know who needs fucking attention in the tech world? Small towns. There's no fucking actual computer classes in any of the fucking high schools near me. Not a fucking thing. I had one class but it taught me how to use office software (word, excel, access, the whole shitfest).

But noooo let's just fucking focus on one specific group and everyone else gets fucked over.

Not to mention, a lot of the females here (at least from the ones I've read) just want to be treated like normal people.

I'm tired of this bullshit. Fuck every bit of it. Don't even care if it makes me a fucking dick. It's unnecessary sjw bullshit.

I HATE when I type :) and it comes out 😀, y'all need to KNOCK THAT SHIT OFF. If I say :/ I mean :/ not 🤔 or 😒or whatever emotion you're forcing me into.

Also ++ to devRant for getting this RIGHT! To them I say 😀😁😃😄

Microsoft you wanna tell me HOW FUCKING LONG my production hours are? GO FUCK YOURSELF!!

Every client is in a hurry until the ball is in his/her court.

*Friend's phone isn't sending messages*
Me: "Have you tried turning it off and back on again?"
Friend: "Oh fuck off"
Me: "Well have you? just do it."
*restarts phone, it works*
Me: "funny how that happens"

When on monday, a client asks you "WHY SOMETHING ISN'T FINISHED". Well, we don't work on weekends. Fuck off.

So this happened. Wtf man

Fucking wix advertisements! Getting real tired of the "want a website? Why not make it yourself?" ads. You're already logging all my fucking google searches to display relevant ad info so maybe wrap your head around the fact that I'm a web dev and make my own fucking sites??

Umidigi, kindly go fuck yourself.

When --> I <-- buy a phone, I should be the fucking one who decides if I'm allowed to install a motherfucking custom launcher.

Your phone is awesome (second full day with heavy usage == 53 percent battery) but on the launcher thing, go fuck yourself. Also go to hell. No, go fuck yourself IN hell, that's even better.

The amount of common sense questions which would require an individual to use their brain and/or a search engine for approximately a few seconds in order to gain the knowledge needed to answer it themselves was TOO FUCKING GOD DAMN HIGH TODAY.

IT CAN REALLY FUCKING PISS ME OFF SOMETIMES.

People who say something isn't working and ask us to investigate.

Alright, it's not on our side, go ask support at {differentcompany}.

*presents actual proof*

Client replies: oh but I asked the other side and they send over this proof *shows proof saying that its not on our side but very technical so the client doesn't understand* so it's definitely on your side!!!!!!

This annoys the living fucking hell out of me, FUCKING FUCK.

😡

I saw a "fuck off" intel inside sticker today. It made me smile.

"JavaScript was built in a weekend"

Yeah it was ... But not the version we have today ... Twats saying well I'm sure you can build this app in a few hours 🙄

Don't develop depression, develop a personality instead, be more outgoing and outspoken, work out, dress better and make your life shit that goes beyond coding.

Tired of people in tech being this way. Everyone acts as if monkeying away on the keyboard makes them some sort of autistic genius that is too good for everyone else.

Some of you have the social skillset of a fucking potato.

You code dude. Most of you develop websites...chill the fuck out.

WHAT THE FLYING FUCK WINDOWS???

You change the icon for the multi desktop button... ok fine,
*clicks*
son of a bitch now contains Bing Ads

Fuck you Windows, and Fuck me for not being able to find a linux distro that will fucking boot after install correctly, and FUCK you acer for not having linux support.

I frckin HATE people who say 'Ah, you can program now? So can you make a game for me? I even have some ideas!, bla bla blurb...'
It makes me wanna hurt them. And the really, really sad thing about it is: nearly no one understands why.

Gf: Which way do you round 4.5 up or down?

Me: (int)4.5;

Gf: Ffs the proper way!

Me: Math.Round(4.5);

Gf: Fuck off.

Recruiter called me again after months because he had an interesting position for me.

Something with 'it consulting' since I was 'into it' 'according to my linkedin'.

Fuck of and die.

I’m doing this guys website for FREE. As a favor to my mom. This is the shit I have to deal with as thanks.

He gave me some images he wanted on his new site I’m developing on Tuesday. Woke up to this email.

safari can't have a fixed background on iOS....

INNOVATION. COURAGE.

I'm starting to think customers know when I'm busy and take that moment to break their products.

I JUST WANT TO LET MY LEG SOAK IN EPSOM WATER... your users are going to bed soon, it's a freaking Saturday, and you need to go get laid because you have too much time on your hands. I'm in pain and cannot help you restore service if you don't stay on the line. So please... don't. Fucking. Call me. Unless you're going to stay on the line to test. You're pushing my limits, and if my voice gets any quieter, it means I'm about to find your porn accounts and register you as an amateur, uploading cows fucking to get you banned from all the services. Congratulations sir, you've pissed me off so bad, I'm using my "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" voice I learned from my mother. I hope you're happy. I'm so mad I'm not even swearing anymore. I always swear.

Edit: if my voice ever sounds sweet and demure over the phone, someone is about to get fucked with a red hot fireplace poker. This fucker getting close.

"hi, we have some dns records we'd like to change, they're in the attachment. Could you send a message when it's done? Thanks in advance!"

No, fuck off. Fucking cunts.

«But... why man??? Let's call it "person-in-the-middle", so that it is fairer!»
All this fucking politically correctness is killing us.

My iPhone can't turn on after being off for 10 days. Tried everything.

Fuck you Apple. Its 21st century. My nokia from 10+ years still can charge.

Services/apps and their automatic general sayings. I fucking hate that.

'apping' is an abbreviation for either whatsapping someone or messaging them in general (in the Netherlands at least).
Sorry but I fucking hate WhatsApp and I'm not going to say that fucking app/apping word. But then in general it's confusing imo.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO TEXT ME, DON'T SAY YOU'RE GOING TO APP ME.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO SIGNAL ME, DON'T SAY YOU'RE GOING TO APP ME.

"but I meant that" - THEN FUCKING SAY IT.

I DON'T 'GOOGLE SOMETHING'. I FUCKING DUCKDUCKGO IT. NO, THAT'S NOT THE FUCKING SAME.

FUCKING HELL.

A recruiter asks for my LinkedIn credentials to save me from the hassle of updating my profile.
Is this the new 'send me your cv in .doc format so I can write whatever I want in there'?
I'm not even looking for a job and I don't know who you are! Fuck off!

Why all the hate? Jesus...
I love my Windows 10 laptop, I love my Android phone, I love working in PHP. But I would never, NEVER, think less of anyone who prefers Mac/Linux/iPhone/C#/Python/what-ever-the-fuck

Finally Going to Resign !!
I worked only for a month in current company but it feels everyday I am dealing with dementors.

After pissing me off for month or so with it's stupid bsods I've decided it's time to move on. Fuck windows.

Not tonight guys. Definitely not tonight.

I am fucking pissed and disturbed.

So if anyone dares to spam me, I am fucking screwing you.

How to politely tell your client that their request for the new 'little' feature is unrealistic and fucking absurd?

I'm losing my fucking mind right fucking here.

Setting an anti-csrf token in the index.php file ONCE. Yes, I triple trillion checked, only fucking once.

Print it to the page as test, fair enough, looks good.

Send an ajax request to the server:
AN ENTIRELY FUCKING DIFFERENT TOKEN 😡

Fucking hell.

Fucking recruiters can fuck right off.

So, I'm in my final month at the current job. THAT job. So far this week, the company has 3 new clients and another 2 potential ones (there's a dev 'team' of myself and one other guy even more junior than myself).

Manager comes in and proudly tells us he has another two potential clients he wants us to pitch to. One with a Drupal business site and another with an Umbraco (C#) site. Neither of us know them. At all. I have never touched Drupal and I've barely looked at C#.

The C# company is huge. FTSE listed. The 'big-boys'. He honestly thinks this is going to end well...

Fuck non-technical managers. Seriously.

“ThAnK YeW 4 KallIng MicraroSoFt TekNicAll SuppUrt, mY nAmE iS JaKe. YoUR KomputeR HaS VirUs ThaT NeEds ReMoVal.”

Go float yourself you sack of shit, your mother should have swallowed.

"Gender bias in open source programming "

Yeah right FUCK OFF

I worked for over 13 hours yesterday on super-urgent projects. I got so much done it's insane.

Projects:
1) the printer auto-configuration script.
2) changing Stripe from test mode to live mode in production
3) website responsiveness

I finished two within five minutes and pushed to both QA and Production. actually urgent, actually necessary. Easy change.

The printer auto-configure script was honestly fun to write, if very involved. However, the APIs I needed to call to fetch data, create a printer client, etc... none of them were tested, and they were _all_ broken in at least two ways. The CTO (api guy in my previous rant) was slow at fixing them, so getting the APIs working took literally four hours. One of them (test print) still doesn't work.

Responsiveness... this was my first time making a website responsive. Ever. Also, one of the pages I needed to style was very complicated (nested fixed-aspect-ratio + flexbox); I ended up duplicating the markup and hacking the styling together just to make it work. The code is horrible. But! "Friday's the day! it's going live and we're pushing traffic to it!" So, I invested a lot of time and energy into making it ready and as pretty as I could, and finally got it working. That page alone took me two hours.

The site and the printer script (and obv the Stripe change as well) absolutely needed to be done by this morning. Super important.

well.

1) Auto-configure script. Ostensibly we would have an intern come in and configure the printers. However, we have no printers that need configuring, so she did marketing instead. :/ Also, the docs Epson sent us only work for the T88V printer (we have exactly one, which we happened to set up and connect to). They do not work for the T88VI printers, which is what we ordered. and all we'll ever be ordering. So. :/ I'll need to rewrite a large chunk of my code to make this work. Joy :/

2) Stripe Live mode. Nobody even seemed to notice that we were collecting info in Test mode, or that I fixed it. so. um. :/

3) Responsiveness.
Well. That deadline is actually next Wednesday. The marketing won't even start until then, and I haven't even been given the final changes yet (like come on). Also! I asked for a QA review last night before I'd push it to production. One person glanced at it. Nobody else cared. Nobody else cared enough to look in the morning, either, so it's still on QA. Super-important deadline indeed. :/

Honestly?

I feel like Alice (from Dilbert) after she worked frantically on urgent projects that ended up just being cancelled. (That one where Wally smells that lovely buttery-popcorn scent of unnecessary work.)

I worked 13 hours yesterday.
for nothing.

fucking. hell.

Fuck, Roommate turned off Internet and made me waste 1gb of 4G Data.

It's been a year , I have been contributing to open source and using GitHub.......
There were some people who criticized me for doing open source, saying there's no future in that and u will end up doing nothing.
(But I never listened to them and ignored there words)
Few days back the same person asks me how to start contributing to open source and help him learn git.
U know what I did then??
I ignored again.

A day of an iOS developer life:
1. XCode crashed
2. XCode freeze
3. XCode "Jump to Definition" takes me to a different file that has the exact same variable name instead of jumping to the top of the file
4. XCode Storyboard designer throwing 1000000000 as UIStackView width on a newly created UIView
5. Heart attack
6. Lots of depression

** Note:
just noticed devRant web has xcode as placeholder in the tags box lol devRant knows my pain T_T

I am so fucking sick of getting asked to implement special cases / features for 1 fucking customer just because the customer wants to do something differently (read fucking stupidly).

This piece of shit codebase already has easy on 500 special cases that were put in place to please some asshole who does'nt even use the feature he demanded once he realised what a wanker he was being.

Now I have to put in yet another bunch of conditional statements all over the place to pad another fucking douche bags ego.

For fuck sake can they not just use the software as it is. If some dick really wants shit his special glorious way can we not just fork the codebase give him his shit and he can stay on the same special fucking version forever without future updates because the other 99% of user aren't retarded.

No fuck off Facebook!

!rant
Is it just me or programmers do suck at documentation?

Oh, what a wonderful post in a Gaming community.
Totally about gaming.

Sometimes I just show the middle finger to my webcam and shout loudly, "Fuck off NSA"

Dear mind,

Please stop talking to me. I want to sleep. Fuck off.

Sincerely,
Your carrier.

Me : Today we have to demonstrate our progress to client. So remove all the dead code from the project which we had written for debugging.

** Removes all the comments

It must be exhausting for people in 2018 to always be on the hunt for something to be outraged or offended about.

FUCK I DID IT AGAIN I HAVE BEEN WATCHING YOUTUBE ALL NIGHT WITH MY DATA OFF FUCK FUCK FUCK FUUUUUUUUUUCK FUCK! IT WAS JUST RESET 2 DAYS AGO AND I WENT THROUGH IT ALL IN AN HOUR FUCK SHIT FUUUCK!

Company that has tech != Tech company.

The amount of "Hey fellow programmers" I get from marketers of all people is cringeworthy. No amount of blockchain in your sentences will magically convince me you know anything about it.

Friend: 'I have an idea you could totally do: a search engine for travellers that searches hostels, hotels, flights and resteraunts'
Me: 'yeahh I'm currently working on an e-commerse website. Should keep me.busy for a while'
Friend: 'integrate it into your website, it'd be silly not to'

Do people think we just click 'integrate idea' button for a living??!
Seriously the fux

No clue if repost or not, but holy shit this is accurate.

Twitter: gib data plz
Me: What's in it for me?
Twitter: ... Balloon pictures?

Fuck off

I don't know who you are but I will find you and I will install linux in your pc

Fuck off bitch
My bios is password protected

How every project goes. Starts off pretty and then after a bit you say fuck it and toss the rest in however.

are you Windows Update? because you can literally fuck right off and die.

Dear makers of the sonic movie.

Fuck off.

-The Internet.

it can be the most interesting article in the world, but if you ask me to confirm cookies, to enable notifications and to disable my adblock or subscribe to your aWeSoMe newsletter at the same time I'm not interested in spending any more time on your site

oh and also, FUCK YOU, return your degree, resign and FUCK OFF

Here we go again… a new update for devRant unofficial UWP blocked by Microsoft because contains "profanity"...

Interesting fact:
The screenshots which contain """profanity""" (probably bad words are enough to violate the rules) are still the same you can already find in the store, so even without this update they are visible...

Pleb designers who don't send vectors can you fuck off

This dude that i been helping on his project for free wants me to travel to his city(which is in a different country) to discuss the project and what's missing lmao hahahahahahahahahahahahaha yeah right.

Wondering how he managed to text with his head so far up his ass.

Fucking idiot.

Suuuure thing buddy, guess i will be paying for all my expenses as well using the money you have not given me? Fuck you think this is? If i agreed to help out it was to help one of your developers who so happen to be my boy and even he knows u is full of shit

Think this is my first rodeo? Bitch asked me to send him the project and i fucking denied it and he didn't like it. Said the code is his lmfao not ze fuck is not. No contract? Bitch your ass can come on over to Texas and demand it. Damn sure your dumbass is going to dislike demanding shit looking down the barrel of a .45

Fucking idiot

I'm all for algo feeds, but FOR FUCK SAKES INSTAGRAM LET ME TURN YOUR ALGO OFF. It's shittier than a sewer full of shit.

I've always thought I'm a software developer, but not according to these guys T_T

I found the source code of my previous employer

I think: "please send us an email"
is a polite way of saying
"please fuck off and don't call again".

May be I'm wrong 🙄

It astounds me that people will actually pay thousands of dollars to come to a bootcamp and just fuck around...

Like we will spend an hour going over materials and concept and when it comes time to apply it and build something the kid next to me never knows what's going on! And then always asks me how to do it.

I tried being positive about it and be like hey if I can explain it to him...then that means I really know it!

Fast forward a couple weeks and I'm ready to strangle the kid.

He will sit on his phone playing games the whole time the lesson is going. Then when the lesson is over, put his phone down and immediately ask me how to do it...

The fuck!? Maybe if you'd just listen you'd know wtf you're doing by now you useless vapid brainless twatwaffle!

You know a company is ripping you off when they charge £79 for a fucking charger and it breaks in 1 year. Fuck you Apple

I fucking hate CORS. I mean yeah I get that it's for security and all but fucking COCKSUCKER is it ever fucking getting annoying dealing with this shit…

Today I played hide and seek at work, this time it was not find the missing semicolon but instead find the unknown. After 30 minutes it turned out the request URL had a capital 'i' instead of a small 'L'
==> l = I almost the same but guess my eyes are not functioning as they should

It was a fun game

AAAAHH FUCK YOU, SONG IN MY HEAD. IM TRYING TO CONCENTRATE, FUCK OFF.

FUCK. OFF. VISUAL. FUCKING. FUCKING. FUCKING. STUDIO.

Fuck off Intel

When you sign up to public WiFi (ikr 🙄) with the name: Mr Fuck Off... Etc

Then it greets you with: "Welcome Fuck!"

I played myself 😝

They say drugs will destroy your life, I guess they haven't heard of XCode yet ...

Those managers who think that Microsoft is the only platform and believe that Linux is insecure - fuck off. I don't want to use azure, you ass.

Yes I know that there is a promise lib for swift, fuck off

Religiously disconnect after work... I don't even have my work email on my phone... If I'm not in the office I don't want to know about it...

On a completely unrelated note......Love Death and Robots is on Netflix and shit is sooo good it ain't funny.

10/10 would recommend.

I've had it with people not considering js devs as developers. fuck off

Ffs people get the fuck out off that Gitlab. I've been there sooner than you, now can't event load login form.

I hate how desk jobs are stigmatized.

I'm happy in my chair, fuck off.

I know that Microsoft installs games after updates. Two or three. Mostly Candy Crush and Bubble witch by King Games, which, if I recall correctly, belongs to Microsoft as well.

But this. This discovery left me with an utter desire to bleach my eyes. Microsoft literally raped my laptop, which isn’t even a month old. And I think i need to relieve it of it’s suffering. Where’s the oil canister?

Just installed linux (Ubuntu 16.04.3 LTS x64) because windows update was being a cunt, instantly, it all fell into place and I got it fully running with minecraft (using generic driver, but it actually works pretty well, don't worry I will get the proper one tomorrow) and a desktop icon for it within two hours compare to windows (update) taking 4 days to do barely any updates, not accepting java or graphics drivers, which it requires because fuck opengl with the default drivers.

Fuck windows. Hooray for linux!

Now back to programming...

Thanks for putting up with me but I just need to vent because I felt like I couldn't program (and I didn't) because of FUCKING DOOLALY WINDOWS 8!

Btw thanks to the local charity shop for introducing me to (SUSE) linux when I was like 11, giving me a hope in hell of using linux. I now have around 11 bootable linux disks and 1 bootable flash.

Meets a family member****
Fam.Member: Hey so what do you do now?
Me: I work with a tech company
Fam.Member: Nice. As what?
Me: Software Engineer
Fam.Member: oh IT stuff. Can you check my phone for me, it's slow now.
Me: No (then walks away sipping my drink)

"Hackerman" meme, just fuck off

Windows you dense motherfucker! Now you come with two different fucking candy crush games and some fucking disney piece of shit botnet useless game consuming an entire GB of precious ssd space?? What the flying fuck i swear i hate this piece of junk more and more every day.
Furthermore, i got my motherboard replaced the other day since it suddenly died and now i cant boot into linux anymore since windows decided it's the only os to live on my laptop? Fuck off

For the love of god it’s only been 54 minutes and it’s already too early for your bullshit.

there's this club at my school, called STEM, and another called "science olympiad." both are pretty cringey, bad, or boring. science olympiad was just for the college credit. during the intro to the club, they said there was a coding section. "game on!" is what they dubbed it as, where basically you're timed to make a game in scratch. i'm fucking tired of it. why is scratch considered programming? don't get me wrong, i'll write an OS in PHP before i say code.org is better than scratch, but fuck it. its a fucking interpreted language that's interpreted by another interpreted language. i don't understand why this shit is still used. scratch isn't good. please codecademy or w3schools or just write in binary directly, but not scratch. my hand hurts from dragging and dropping, my eyes hurt from the light theme, my imaginary cat committed suicide after learning about scratch's mascot. fuck it. now onto stem club, fuck it too. not for being bad (well, kinda), but for not being more recognized. it should be above science olympiad, and other clubs because you actually have to think instead of just memorize. but alas, we still were offered the choice of scratch to program the robot. sigh. arduino much? i guess not. challenging much? nope. was i elected "leader"? with three of my friends out of the eight there, i could have been, but no. effort in this would be depressing.

What the fuck is up with this fucking tour bus company called Akdeniz?
These fucking retards want me to login to instagram etc. to get wifi access. Like wtf. Is not my 30 TL not enough?
Are you really going to save my login data for a few TL? Why would you dipshit people want me to login with my social media account (besides of that I do not even have an Instagram account. Miss me with that gay shit.)
I do not have a fucking fuckbook and a twittermyass.
I hope y'all fucking die by sucking my long ass dick, incompetent braindeads!

people who correct you when you say Linux to GNU+Linux can fuck off

I’m new to programming. I first learned G-Code and M-Code for CNC machines and being a machinist got boring, so now I’m in School for computer science. But I swear, the amount of motherfuckers that act like they are the programming gods and they know everything there is to know just because they’ve been a programmer for so and so amount of years just grinds my gears. They act like some knowledge is important while other knowledge is useless, and generalize it and push that belief on everyone. But fail to realize that some people, such as myself, just love computers in every facet. I don’t give a damn how many years of programming experience you have and how many people you’ve taught. If you act like a stuck up know it all and walk around like your shit don’t stink, I wouldn’t work with you even if I had the same amount of experience as you.

Waking up in the middle of the night with sleep paralysis. Thx brain. Fuck off.
Especially fun when hearing strange noices. 🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂

PM: Did you start looking into that stress testing tool.
Me: Literally looking into it right now
PM: Ah cool. So you'd be ready tomorrow?
Me: No
PM: Why not?
Me: I literally started looking at the tool. I can't promise anything.

Never knew iOS developers must know MySQL, PHP, and Android development -_-

Once again:

BOSS and Client IT’S URGENT IT’S CRITICAL

ME: IT’S 4:30pm on FRIDAY AND THIS IS THE FIRST I’VE HEARD OF IT IT IS NOT THAT HOT

Currently balancing my full time job. A Rails bigass project and certain php contracts.

The rails one is unpaid, and I am doing it on my free time since my "payment" would be a portion of the company and a CTO position once it is done. I am building it with one of my best friends and he got the contract from this one dude he has who is loaded and will be selling this to the dptmnt of education of certain country.

The thing is, we all know how it works with those projects. The CEO had contracted this project to some people. He paid them handsomely and as is the case with certain situations the project was abandonded, the devs took the money and ran. So that is why he decided that instead of paying people like he should he would instead try and see if he could get someone interested. He told my friend to get himself an "American developer" since he was fed up with the devs of said country and that is how I am here now.

But the thing is, he is somewhat desperate to see something and even tho I show advancements on a weekly basis I hate the wordings of his group text messages:
"All right guys. I need to see some advancements, show me what you got now"

Motherfucker. You sit your ass and WAIT for me to want to show you something, but don't demand shit like if you are paying me. As far as I know my priorities lie in my current day job or the other people that ARE paying me.

>i need to see some advancements

Fuck off.

MathWorks:

PlEasE dOWnLoAd thE neWsT mATlAB

Me:

Fuck off!

Feck off summer

"Hey, I need a website making.."
FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF.

"I can't believe you're turning away work.."
As if I don't have enough shit to deal with without this douchebag.

When company wants your effort to shoot up exponentially and you just say, "fuck off"

Oh... fuck *off*.

Oh fuck off Google with your data grabbing slimy ethics...

Google got rid of the awesome Inbox app, only to force us back on Gmail with fucking NATIVE ADS! This one really triggered me

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE NO BUTTON?

NOW GO FUCK OFF AT THE CORNER OF MY SCREEN

Red bull. Write a class, red bull, do a commit red bull, tell a client to fuck off, red bull. Red bull, red bull, red bull...

Was an aspiring 2nd grade student then, still a newbie in databases and stuff.

Managed to work with bossy motherfucker who didn't give a flying fuck about proper management, team culture, job roles and everything and treated people like shit.

The big boss wanted me to develop the ecommerce website that integrates with 1c (complete and utterly garbage buggy ass dbms with RUSSIAN SYNTAX, nuff said) and with its own crm to track every employee and even real time chat. He also wanted it to be a kind of online medical wikipedia. And he wanted me to take a professional photo of each and every fucking item for this website, somewhere around 5 thousand photos.

He offered me around 800 bucks for all that job. No, not monthly. He wanted me to do all that shit alone, for 800 bucks and expected it to be up and running in less than two months.

Gently told him to fuck off. Quit that job the same day.

I can't believe 1&1 SELLS internet.

Fuck off.

Hey Guys Look.
It's that asshole who never paid me calling me about his brand new idea.
Should I pick it?

Arghhh, noisy bastards, people who slurp their coffee instead of just fucking drinking it. Fuck off away!

Watched Fast & Furious 8 with a few dev friends last night and laughed our asses off at the 'hacking' scenes. Seriously what the fuck was that.

so since I'm a developer I get told to fuck off when I don't know how to fix some stupid printer 😀

Mother fucking candy crush cunts fucking Microsoft FUCK OFF REPEATEDLY REINSTALLING THIS FUCKING SHIT!!! THREE FUCKING TIMES TODAY I HAVE 'UNINSTALLED' THEM. Yet somehow, they keep FUCKING COMING BACK. not updating, haven't even clicked ok to install them, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO CONTROL MY PC MØRE THAN I DO! FUCK OFF!

How many times a day do you guys get interrupted ? Sometimes I just want to place a huge sign over my head saying "NO! Fuck off"

- Power in office goes off
- Shrugs and continues to do fuck all

Can't say fuck off to all the guys saying good morning when you arrive in office. Nobody really means it. It gets irritating some times. :(

Fuck UEFI, fucking shit stain.

Why do they ask for a ball park price based on a non existent spec and pathetic meeting ramblings. FUCK OFF.

No fuck you you are not going to post your shitty generic products with 20mb photos that we host! Fuck off. No it's not "blurry" you fuck wit it's a normal picture in this industry .

I fucking hate Facebook cocksuckers... They're the worst I tell you...

And did I mention Facebook pays NGOs to 'advertise' about Facebook as an advertisement platform... Fuckkkk

And I am fucking forced to sit down and clap for these ass kissers, even though I don't have Facebook...

I've been away from devRant (and other social media) for a few days because I thought i needed to concentrate on a project that I'm currently working on.

I just realized that I need this, I really need to rant! There is just too much to rant about. Like how fuckin annoying tomcat is, (don't ask me, someone is paying for me to use it), or how eclipse is happily hugging over 1gb of my ram, ( again don't ask), meanwhile vscode is doing just the same thing (debugging a tomcat server) with less than 300mb! There's so much to be annoyed about that I truly don't know how I was getting along before devRant.

Memory leak. Fuck off

!dev

Well fuck you Epic Games and Deep Silver!
I was really interested in getting Metro Exodus, but I'm not gonna install that shitty Epic Store!
Fuck off!

Why is fuck as a fucking word used so fucking often??? In like every other fucking rant on my fucking feed...

You know what? I'm done with this bullshit of "do it and we review latter" when I ask clarification on requirements.

No you fucking stupid piece of shit, I'm a mother fucking professional developer, treat me with fucking respect!

I can't spend weeks trying to figure out wtf is your specific domain specifications if you ain't answer my questions with clarity I'm gonna keep asking them in slightly different ways as if you where a search engine and I'm trying to search wtf is in your mind.
Only then I'm gonna start planning/coding your shit.

I have better things to do.

Your lack of planning isn't my priority.

Dear YouTube,
If you want me to fucking watch your fucking same ad every fucking 2 minutes, I will fucking fuck watch those fucking ads on my fucking TV.

Fed up. Moving to YouTube magisk ad-free module. Fuck off YouTube. Recently you became to greedy.

Fuck off.

nice try, now fuck off (it's red because I tried to first just press download without entering anything)

Best: Becoming an IT contractor

Worst: Not telling more people to "fuck off and go fuck yourself if you're not going to be helpful" while I was perm

Boss: How is your day going?

ME: Fuck off!!!

Enough said...

Fuck this?
No no no
Fuck me

Who is that genius at Microsoft thought about that if adding a new email to outlook on Android and credentials are wrong, CLOSE THE WINDOW AND GO BACK TO SETTINGS!!

Error message says wrong username/password then let me fucking fix them not go back and enter everything from scratch (outgoing, incoming servers, username, password)

Fuck this shit -_-

I hate all these projects with cute cartoons, phrases and prompts, when you're debugging under pressure they're so fucking infuriating. Right now I want to destroy that dumb GitHub issues bot with a baseball bat.

Python is where it's at.. you know... you should take this TreeHouse course... Fuck off!

Nice try, 'influencer'

Now raiding your average trending social community?

Well FUCK OFF!

FUCK YOU YOU SHITTY COCK SUCKING BITCH MOTHERFUCKER.

GO DIE IN A HOLE THEN GET RAPED IN HELL. I REALLY HATE THIS SHIT.

FUCK OFF GOOGLE.

Companies that expect interns to work for free since they are learning at the job. sincerely fuck off!

Hey Webpack, fuck off!
Fuck off with your zillion plugins, packages, loaders, modules, regexes and options bullshit. Die already, with your every-new-version-incompatible-with-previous-ones. Fuck you, with your lets-turn-simple-things-into-pain-in-the-ass mentality. It's a goddamn webapp bundler, why make trivial stuff so stupidly complicated?

So I got sick of this "nodejs" bullshit around here and proposed a competition to define our next backend tech.

The node defender is already finding excuses as to why they might write bad code because of lack of knowledge , my answer:
If you don't know the tech we ain't gonna use it.