How tf does these even make sense?! That's a fucking sledgehammer and large metal chisel on fucking steroids. If your parents don't know what the fuck those are and realize they have nothing to do with fixing a relatively flimsy box (in comparison) they probably need more than their WiFi fixed, but since they managed to fucking raise you, I doubt they're that dumb. I get that parents might not always understand technology, but shit, at least respect the fact that they survived without the Internet, which you probably couldn't do...

Programming is a lot like playing video games. It challenges you to beat quests/tasks and hunt enemy bugs while providing boss levels in the form of large projects with tight deadlines and project managers who like to move the goal posts.

Some of the penguin's finest insults (Some are by me, some are by others):

Disclaimer: We all make mistakes and I typically don't give people that kind of treatment, but sometimes, when someone is really thick, arrogant or just plain stupid, the aid of the verbal sledgehammer is neccessary.

"Yeah, you do that. And once you fucked it up, you'll go get me a coffee while I fix your shit again."

"Don't add me on Facebook or anything... Because if any of your shitty code is leaked, ever, I want to be able to plausibly deny knowing you instead of doing Seppuku."

"Yep, and that's the point where some dumbass script kiddie will come, see your fuckup and turn your nice little shop into a less nice but probably rather popular porn/phishing/malware source. I'll keep some of it for you if it's good."

"I really love working with professionals. But what the fuck are YOU doing here?"

"I have NO idea what your code intended to do - but that's the first time I saw RCE and SQLi in the same piece of SHIT! Thanks for saving me the hassle."

"If you think XSS is a feature, maybe you should be cleaning our shitter instead of writing our code?"

"Dude, do I look like I have blue hair, overweight and a tumblr account? If you want someone who'd rather lie to your face than insult you, go see HR or the catholics or something."

"The only reason for me NOT to support you getting fired would be if I was getting paid per bug found!"

"Go fdisk yourself!"

"You know, I doubt the one braincell you have can ping localhost and get a response." (That one's inspired by the BOFH).

"I say we move you to the blockchain. I'd volunteer to do the cutting." (A marketing dweeb suggested to move all our (confidential) customer data to the "blockchain").

"Look, I don't say you suck as a developer, but if you were this competent as a gardener, I'd be the first one to give you a hedgetrimmer and some space and just let evolution do its thing."

"Yeah, go fetch me a unicorn while you're chasing pink elephants."

"Can you please get as high as you were when this time estimate come up? I'd love to see you overdose."

"Fuck you all, I'm a creationist from now on. This guy's so dumb, there's literally no explanation how he could evolve. Sorry Darwin."

"You know, just ignore the bloodstain that I'll put on the wall by banging my head against it once you're gone."

the best therapy

Did I really go to university, have object oriented programming taught to me from scratch and embedded in me as best practice, work with OO frameworks for 3 years and become a damn good web dev just to use Drupal?

I was working under the title of mid-level developer when I felt I was clearly still a junior and was tasked with making changes to the core search functionality of the company website. After it was 'reviewed' by 3 people more senior than I and merged to production it took the majority of the site down.

I got the blame and the reviewers weren't even questioned 😒

To have back all the hours between how long a project should take and how long it actually takes, and get paid for them, then retire and sledgehammer my computer, and do something less stressful.

PM asked me to create wireframes for new project.
Aahhh! I can chill, relax, even sleep on my desk now.

Why would a mouse settings installation automatically restart your PC? Fuck you sideways with a sledgehammer, Logitech. No prior warning, just restart..

A few days ago I took some time off at short notice to help someone close to me with their medical condition.
On the same day the CEO of the company made a request that only I could've fulfilled out of 12 devs so yesterday I was reprimanded for it.
Why don't companies do something to actively increase the bus factor on projects?

This has probably been asked before here - but how does a developer leave a day job to start working freelance full time?

I've worked on projects in my own time on and off during the short 4 or 5 years of my career so far and I've always considered doing it, but how do people make that jump? How do you start working for yourself and how do you secure clients?

When you end up running support queries and QA as a developer because the client's on site support team blame the provider instead of their half-assed user configuration job. #IHopeYouGetFiredAssholes

I was in a hurry
this Asian chick grabbed me and not let me pass
I kept slinking out of her grip
she kept grabbing me again
I said "no I'm serious, I gotta go"
I pulled more violently
she fell on the floor
she pulled me down with her
she grabbed my legs
I started kicking her off
a kick to her shoulder dislocated it, but she kept going anyway
I'm trying to get up and kicking
I look back and now even her face is busted
yet she's still going at me, grabbing, pulling
what the fuck?

then the scene changes to a forest
we're in a band and trying to survive out there
by now the jig is up
encounter a person in a clearing, sledgehammer him in the face to disable him so he doesn't notice us
except that didn't do shit. his skull caved in, his bones are broken, but he's moving and moaning to try to get to you. he's not a zombie either. he's alive. looks perfectly alive. but his bones are broken and he's still moving and going. what the fuck do you do?
the bones start moving underneath his skin, he's just reorganizing and reinventing his body live
they're unkillable
the fuck you do now?

I used to have a lot of zombie dreams but what the fuck is this new shit

When as a php dev you work in an office on projects with .net devs that have to interact and you don't know c/c# and they don't know php so all code snippets shared between you are in python. 🙃

Deploying a full test strategy across the company's range of php products because you haven't been scheduled to do anything else and the company has no automated testing after 10 years of functioning.

Do I really need to build and publish a plugin using a gradle-based workflow in IntelliJ IDEA Ultimate, only to customize some UI colors in my PHPStorm IDE? Feels like using a sledgehammer to crack a nut.

But probably I am just entitled and spoiled by using CSS for web development all of these years. At least I am sure that I definitely never want to do any Java-related development again :-)