Did you say security?

Immediately start doing a project way beyond your level, and within 2 weeks you'll learn things that would take college 2 years to teach you.

Tv hacker: I'll write code to hack their security cameras

2 seconds later

Tv hacker: I'm in

Me: go fuck yourself you fucking fuck

FUCK this startup mentality of implementing all these external services and APIs for absolutely fucking everything.

I get that your vacuous fresh-mint-tea-soaked hipster brains are all cheering about these "only $10/month/seat" services, because you imbeciles with your nodejs-sticker-plastered macbooks have never done anything but knot the work of other dimwits together.

I don't even care about the subscription costs. That shit is more trouble to maintain than writing it yourself, and there's no guarantee that visualizemyballs.com & lintmycock.io still work tomorrow.

I'm getting so sick of being barraged with 502 bad gateway errors because you halfassed yet another API implementation. Stop advertising your crossfit stats, your meditation-app records and your vegan protein bars for a minute, and maybe start writing some fucking code of your own, something with a higher shelf-life than your iPhone screen...

You know... something which actually fucking adds value to the world.

Get a request for commit rights for my container repo; another developer would be lovely. Let's see what they know and want to work on.

*reading message*
*reading message*
"...I'd like to enable your containers to hold other containers."

They already do. Stay the fuck away from my code.

Ever been at a company that makes you feel worthless and useless? To add to that, have a director who has physically assaulted you? Company refuses to train, but demands that certain set of skills. Won't give a raise but has literally millions in funds for advertising. Yeah. Fuck that.

Human.

Damn devrant, the double tap to ++ feature has me addicted.
Now I'm double tapping answers on Quora
1. Realize it doesn't work
2. Go to next answer
3. Repeat 😐

Opening your editor on Monday morning

Not me, but a colleague of mine ordered 10,000 pens with <company>.com printed on them - but our company had a .org address.

Pushing code to production without testing

chmod 777

"I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by." - Douglas Adams

I used to think I was gonna be a Steve Jobs or a Bill Gates. Now I just fap and cry.

Too true, too true...

When the Tester is not at his Desk 😂

I JUST DELETED MY LIVE MYSQL SERVER

I DON'T KNOW IF WE HAVE BACKUPS

Thousand different browsers

This never gets old, or does that?

I put an Easter egg into a product, that if you enter the string "final countdown" into the stock code search field, it plays a YouTube vid of Europe's "The Final Countdown", in a hidden div. It's an in-joke for a few people in the company.

A well meaning maintainer with no sense of humour or judgement takes over and goes on the warpath against any hardcoded strings. The secret code gets moved into a config file.

A third developer changes the deployment script so that it clears any configs that aren't explicitly set in the deployment settings.

So the secret code is now "".

Literally every PC in the stock buying department is now blaring out "The Final Countdown" at top volume.

...Except none of them have speakers, so it remains this way for over a year and two more changes of maintainer.

I just noticed this afternoon and quietly re-hardcoded the string. The buying dept.'s PCs will silently sing no more.

OW FUCKING GREAT

BEEN CREATING THIS WEBSITE FOR 1 MONTH USING REACTJS. IT'S HALFWAY DONE. NOW THE HIGHER UPS CHANGES THEIR DECISION THAT WE HAVE TO MAKE IT WITH WORDPRESS.

FUUUUUCCCCKKKK. I'M FUCKING OUT.

Like many others my favourote shameless hack is a cronjob to restart our app server at 2am, thus preventing out of memory exceptions

Old rant : I was fired for complaning about the non-paid extra hours everyone was doing. The excuse : I was against "the culture" of the company.

I hate game companies...

I have 5 <br/> tags one after the other on a deployed site.

And then there is this beauty...

A young guy I work with burst into tears today, I had no idea what happened so I tried to comfort him and ask what was up.

It appears his main client had gone nuts with him because they wanted him to make an internet toolbar (think Ask.com) and he politely informed them toolbars doesn't really exist anymore and it wouldn't work on things like modern browsers or mobile devices.

Being given a polite but honest opinion was obviously something the client wasn't used to and knowing the guy was a young and fairly inexperienced, they started throwing very personal insults and asking him exactly what he knows about things (a lot more than them).

So being the big, bold, handsome senior developer I am, I immediately phoned the client back and told them to either come speak to me face-to-face and apologise to him in person or we'd terminate there contract with immediate effect. They're coming down tomorrow...

So part my rant, part a rant on behalf of a young developer who did nothing wrong and was treated like shit, I think we've all been there.

We'll see how this goes! Who the hell wants a toolbar anyway?!

$str = str_replace(array("\{","\}")," ",$str);

//Replaces with spaces the braces in cases where braces in places cause stasis

Oddly satisfying devRant +1s

At a salary of $11/hour, no overtime, is a junior web developer with no previous experience and no personal project undervalued?

For once I would like to have a scrum master who doesn't try to be a psychologist and just helps us adhere to whatever methodology we are supposed to be following.

We are developers, we know we're dysfunctional, we like it that way and stop telling me I have to wear pants to meetings!!!