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Search - "stupidest client"
Stupidest client ever:
I once had a client that requested me a new website, all went well and get paid.
After a month our two, he called and requested a change on basically all pages. I sent him a estimate of 2h, he approved, signed a contract and I've made the changes. He never paid me that changes. After 2 months ignoring my calls and emails I've rollback to the pre-changes website. He called me anything you can think off and that I would be sorry for done that... I was like... WTF??
- Pay me and I'll put the changes online.
- you will be sorry. See you in court.
We went to court because of FUCKING 200€...
Court decision? The client was obligated to pay me the 200€ and all the court expenses...22
Well, it happened. The stupidest request, no demand, I have ever, and most likely will ever receive...
Me: So what is it you're looking to do with your website.
Client: We're not showing up Facebook's home page. We need you to fix that. We have a budget of $10,000 to make this happen right now.
Me: As much as I'd love to take your money, that isn't something I can control. Every "home page" is profile-based, which technically isn't a homepage, but a "feed" that changes constantly. So say you create a profile on Facebook, only those you follow, and paid posts show up on your feed. What I can do however is use your budget to create and promote posts from your company page to show on users' feeds. If you're serious about marketing, we can start slow at $250/week, then work our way up or down based on results until your budget is exhausted, then re-evaluate the budget at that time. I can tailor a retainer for you based on the number of ads per week that you'd like to make.
Client: No, this is not what we're asking for at all.
Me: Okay...what is it you're looking for exactly? Run through this in as much detail as possible so I can get on the same page.
Client: We want to be on the main home page of facebook.com. We want our logo on that page when people sign up to make an account, linking to our website.
Me: That's simply not possible. That's Facebook's own home page. Nobody has a right to edit that other than Facebook itself.
Client: Bullshit. There's a Facebook developers section with APIs to edit and view Facebook's entire website. We would do it ourselves, but we signed up and don't understand how to change it in Chrome. That's why we need you and [referring client] said you were the best guy for our needs.
Me: That API has no control over Facebook's corporate data, including their own home page. That API designed ONLY for sections in which you are authorized to access or modify, such as your personal profile or created page for your business.
Client: We know that it can be done. If you don't do it, we'll find someone else who can.
Me: Well good luck with that, because the only way it would be remotely possible to do that WILL involve prison time, since that would be illegal. The only legal way to do it would be to buy Facebook, and they'll laugh you out of the building with that offer. But I'm done with this conversation because I have work to complete from clients that aren't delusional. Have a nice day! [hang up]
What. The. Fuck.24
The Orange Juice Saga ....
I've just come off one of the stupidest calls ever.
Firstly, I am not in tech support, I'm a software developer - read the below with this in mind.
My client called up to say the system I created as been compromised. When he attempts to login, he is logged off his Windows machine.
He'd also apparently taken his PC to ***insert large UK computer superstore here***, who took £100 plus to look at the machine and conclude his needs to buy a new PC.
I remoted into his computer to see WTF was going on.
As he described, visiting my login form did log you out. In fact, whenever you pressed the "L" key you were logged out. Press the "M" key, all windows were minimized. Basically, all Windows hotkeys appeared to be active, without the need to press the Windows key.
Whilst connected to his PC I spent a good 30 minutes checking keyboard settings and came up short.
After asking all the normal questions (has anything changed on your PC, have you installed stuff lately etc.) without any useful answers I got nothing.
I then came across an article stating several presses of the Windows in quick succession will solve the issue.
I got the client to try this, pressed the "L" key (which would have logged me off previously) and the issue was resolved.
Basically, the Windows key was "stuck", which oddly makes your PC kind of useless.
I asked the client if they'd split anything on the keyword whilst working. His exact word were simply lol:
"Oh yer, yesterday, I was trying to drink a glass of orange quickly and split some in the corner of keyboard. I did clean it up quickly though".
Yep, the issue was due to the client spilling orange juice on their keyboard , which in turn made the Windows key stick.
A call that started with the client stating I made a system that was easily compromised (i.e. my fault), morphed into a sorry saga of cold drinks.
The client did ask why the ***superstore name*** charged him money for that and recommended a new machine. That is a good question and demonstrated some the questionable tech support practices we see nowadays, even at very large stores.
To be fair to the client, he told me to bill him for half a days work as it was his own fault.
When I'm able to stop myself involuntarily face palming, I'm off for a swim to unwind :)7
Front end dev be like:
This is greatest design concept ever!
Why isn't it working? It was working yesterday.
This is the stupidest design concept ever.
It works! It works! The client is going to love this as much as I do. It's exactly what they asked for!
Actually, can you do something completely different?6
Fuckbug client has no brain but worse is fuckbug has not one bit of understanding.
I am a fucking developer not a fucking DESIGNER.
You are supposed to give me your fucking information. Information as in text and photos and documents that I can use with minimal modification for your FUCKING website.
It was fucking stupid of me to help you out with non-dev work in the first place. My fucking stupidest mistake of 2017.
Just for the fucking slider, this whole goddamn project is dragging for the whole 2017.
I even helped you out with taking the fucking product photo at your office with my camera so we can have decent images to use.
I stupidly helped you out with doing photoshop of those images with your product labels and stuffs.
But in the end, you fucking dare give me 1 properly designed image to use in slider. Then ask me to change the rest of sliders with similar design like that one. If you have that image why the fuck cannot you do the fucking rest by yourself and come and fucking ask me.
I fucking hate you.5
Me: I’m gonna make it so the users can access the locations for 30days.
Boss: wtf? U dumb? Do you know how valuable that data is, dont fucking put a limit
Me: *listening 10minutes of him ranting how that’s the stupidest idea he’s heard all day*
Boss:why would you want to do that anyways like wtf?
Me: storage optimization
Boss: 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 wtf r u like a idiot or smthng.
My head: nah I’m done, I’m about to roast this guy with my numbers*
Me: every single minute 40k rows of data come in from just ONE☝️ CLIENT.....AND THATS HOW, EVEN IF WE ADD THAT FUCKING 2 YEAR LIMIT WE WOULD BE HOSTING 5 FUCKING PETABYTES OF DATA FOR JUST ONE CLIENT, not including other shits, this is only for heatmaps. And imagine changing all of that database system in the future, that would require going threw so much databases and pages, this ain’t just like changing one number and bam less storage space.
Boss: Ok, add that 2 year limit, later we will sort this out.
My brain: *omg, now that I know these numbers how will I ever fall asleep😦*10
Another rant got me thinking about this.
There must be plenty of us on here who have worked as part of or with a customer support department at some point in our careers.
What is the stupidest idea you've ever heard with regards to support?
To start things off my last place had problems with support, over worked, under staffed and expected to support 12+ versions of the same software, some clients were running installations over 15 years old without ever having applied an upgrade.
The management decided that they would get rid of the conventional triage system for tickets, you know the sort priority 1 would be system down etc.
Instead we had to log tickets at whatever priority the client said it was. Customer report written by the client has a spelling mistake? Yep that's a P1.
Client wants to change the colour of their menu? Yep P1
As you can imagine that went down like a shit sandwich2