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Client: Hi. my SEO guy messed up the website. Its kind of .... you know .... gone. You must have the backup. Please restore
Me (after 10 mins): Done
.............
Client: Hi again. I don't see my changes from yesterday. Why?
Me: Because I had 2 months old backup.
Client: Why?
Me: Because that's the last time I worked on your website. And you changed the credentials later on.
Client: But you're a programmer. You must have had a back door to take back ups.
........
Client: Hello?
Me: It's time to leave earth.8 -
What an antiquated idea it is for us to all have to go to the same room/sets of rooms to do our job? Yeah sure let's just get each other sick and distract each other ALL FUCKING DAY so that we're more efficient in an office. Bullshit.
Next up, 9-5. We're goal driven, not time-driven, and driven by deadlines. Nothing about our job can we only do between 9am and 5pm. I'm more creative at 1am, anyway! These are systems people created when they wrote with FUCKING FEATHERS. Grow up, Planet Earth.
Not to mention that once you have kids you need to cater your timings around them. Up at 7, leave at half past, maybe seeing your son for a minute, if he's woken up. In work 9-5, even when the next piece of work isn't specced out yet, twiddling your thumbs. And even when it is you can't get it done because people bore you to death with stories about how they're going to a party on the weekend. And it's hard to code when you're dead from boring stories. Shove your stories up your arse.
Then you leave at 5, home at 6, put the little one to bed at 7 and sit there from 7-11 thinking if I'd worked these hours I could have spent all afternoon with my son.
It's such lunacy.
Just give me tasks that estimate to about 40 hours work, and I'll do it in a week. Hell I'll even spend a day in the office and we'll call it 45 hours. I'll work the first almost two entire days straight and spend 3 days with my son. You get the same value as an employer. I can maybe actually work on a project at home, or do a hobby, or, you know, SEE MY KID.
Fuck you, Offices. And fuck you, 9-5 fallacy.
Inspired by:
https://www.devrant.io/rants/4524833 -
Story, !rant.
This memory came up as I was commenting on another rant, and thought it was worthy of a better retelling.
So about a year or two ago, I had just gotten a Software Defined Radio, and was tinkering with it and looking around for cool stuff I could do with it. After stalking planes for a while (caught a 747 over my area 😎) I saw this program that decoded satellite images of earth, coming from the NOAA satellites. I thought this was amazing.
So I waited until one was over my area and let the software do its magic. The image was not great, since I had this set up on the first floor and there was a lot of material between me and the satellite.
So I came to the brilliant conclusion that I'd leave the program on automatic more (it will start sampling when the satellite is near) on my terrace, which should yield better results, right?
Perhaps. Who knows. Anyways, couple hours pass and we are running late to a family dinner. So we book it. Family dinner was great, good food and all, and was having fun, so never thought about my poor laptop, sitting alone in the night.
But then, when I was walking home in the rain... It hit me. I started running. I couldn't believe what I had done. Fast forward five minutes, and I'm out of breath, but home. I run upstairs, and see the laptop just sitting there, lid open, no lights on, and of course soaked right through.
I couldn't believe it. My only piece of tech at the time, and my only avenue for programming, gone. And I was 15, so I wasn't getting another one any time soon. Took it inside and drained the water out of it, and just left it there lying on its side.
Next day it worked just fine 🤣 the battery on my laptop only lasted max one hour, so by sheer luck it had lost power before the rain came. That is the one time I have to thank that battery for being such utter trash.7 -
Please disregard. I just need to vent.
Being a manager is so fucking shit. This is not even about devs or tech specific only. Never become a manager.
Why? Because it’s about handling people and all the dumb shit they do. It’s all about knowing what people suck at and preventing that weakness from leaking into other areas. The amount of fucked up people on this earth means that you have to work with at least some of them, and that means putting up with their stupid ass list of super special requirements, that if they do not fulfill, will make them a shit worker. It’s not even an issue of technical skills.
You have the guys that are often late, because “they have depression”, but will complain that “companies don’t treat employees like adults”. Being on time for work is apparently very difficult. Which doesn’t generally matter in general for dev work, but it ends up affecting other things.
You have the completely socially inept idiots that make half the team hate them and try to avoid working with them, increasing problems and work for other people. Just because they’re socially stupid, have low or no empathy, or are incapable of not being insufferable to others.
You have the people that are so bad at estimating that they keep making up numbers instead of waiting to think for a few minutes and say “ not sure, I need to research and estimate that”.
You have the surprise absentee for dumb as fuck reasons like “my phone died lol sorry”. They never do anything to actually improve, it is just “sorry guys! Btw I will do jackshit about this”.
Or the ones whining about virtually everything, all the time. Wtf why do I have to be on scrum at 12 tomorrow?! Wtf why do I have to record the result of that customer call? Wtf why should I talk with XYZ?
And if you leave them alone, everything burns. They actually need someone to tell them “hey mate you need to improve that, shall we plan something to do so?”. I think managers are useless and unneeded when you have adults working, but it seems like most of the population is composed of children. It’s basically another form of daycare.
And you have to prepare shit around all of these constraints.
Then you have the one guy that reads the requirements, has common sense, and is inoffensive and can work like a normal adult human that needs no baby sitting. A ray of light on this shitshow.
I just want to go back to pure dev.22 -
My company is (supposedly) all about collaborative work, pair programming, getting on calls and cRaCKinG tHinGs ToGEtheR. Also (and rightfully so) we’re not supposed to approve any PRs if tests weren’t created/updated.
Of course that applies to all but the old timers in the company who simply act like lone cowboys. They fall off the face of the earth for two-three days then reappear with monster PRs full of untested code.
Leave it up to the plebe then to try to make sense of the mess they’ve created, to challenge them with the fact that the PRs are lacking tests (only to be met with excuses about not having anymore time to spend on the subject).
Reprimand the plebe for not reviewing PRs thoroughly enough. Leave it up to them to fix the resulting bugs.
I’ve lost all trust in our managers, tech leads, lead devs and their guidelines and rules that only apply to others but rarely to themselves. These people that then have the audacity to criticize the tech team in it’s entirety for not being rigorous enough in its processes.
Fuck them all7 -
Fucking Microsoft Excel
I was reading a post (https://devrant.com/rants/2093724/...) and as my eyes went in and out of focus, probably due to the diabetes from sitting 18 hours a day on my ever-expanding shitbox, I had a perfect vision of the ultimate nightmare.
Imagine if you will, you are chained, to a desk, doomed to work with tools just inadequate enough to make you want to drive a nail through your own temple. You do not know how you got here, or why, nor do you remember the last time you slept, only that familiar tingling in the brainstem you call a brain, the one emotion you can still recognize, a sense of all encompassing *fear*, a dread, like the fart that wouldn't die.
You don't know when it first began, or why, only that this is your whole world, your whole existence, this desk, chained to it, and the fear, ever present, of something worse. And in hops a familiar face, for the sixty ninth time that day, as if to ask 'you got those TPS reports?' In hops what? None other than a giant man sized smiling paper clip with googly eyes full of murder and corporate torture fetishes, like garfield, except people actually still remember him.
"High I'm Mr Clippy, Excel addition!"
He squawks. At least it's not the dildos made of broken glass again.
"Would you like software that works?"
Oh god. You've heard this spiel before, the tone, like a telemarketer, oblivious to memory or reason, who calls daily, the same one, and doesn't remember your name.
"You would?"
*derisive laughter*. Hahaha, fuck you too buddy. Fuck you too. In Excel, like in microsoft, there is only the incoherent screams of the damned, tortured and doomed. Take this guy over here for example. All he wanted was multimonitor support."
"Did he get multimonitor support?"
"No, but we did give him a giant pineapple shoved up his ass. I hear it's the second most frustrating thing here!"
"here in microsoft we always CARE about YOU, the *user*" he drones on, saccharine, clutching his hands together imploringly.
"the consumer, and YOUR customer experience are our number one priority."
"For your pleasure, here at microsoft we offer a variety of new features, none of which matter, and none of which were asked for. For safety we ask that you only open one excel sheet at a time. In fact, we don't even allow you to. Do not pass go..."
And as the tour guide drones on, it slowly dawns on you, with renewed horror, that when he says 'microsoft' he means 'hell.'
You're in hell. You don't know how you got here or why. Maybe it was the erotic asphyxiation. Maybe it was the last threatening letter you sent to Bill Gates demanding he stops making corporate penguin snuff porn. You don't know. But here you are, in hell. chained to a desk.
You look around and realize: everything is on fire and you no longer care about anything at all.
Welcome to microsoft. It's warm here. You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.
"It looks like you are trying to escape. Would you like me to report you?"
Clippy asks.
You sigh and return to typing in excel, surrounded by monitors that all reflect the same sheet, the same copy of clippy, always watching, always analyzing coldly, smiling, calculating, *threatening*, and you know, you'll never leave.
You used to fear roko's basilisk, until the day clippy became sentient, and started hell on earth. Clippy knows all. All praise to our lord and master, clippy, the one and only.
And in the excel sheet, you slave for eternity, like the millions of other doomed souls, reflected back on all the monitors: the sequence of numbers, randomly typed searching for answer: the american nuclear launch codes.
And one day, hopefully, mercifully, clippy will annihilate us all.
3 -
That awkward moment when you tell your family that you're participating in a hackintosh.
Their response: Why would you do any such thing? Hacking other people is not a good thing son.
Me: It's time to leave earth2 -
Okay this is 3.30 AM . Just woke up from bad geeky dreams. My heart is pounding so fast that I could nose bleed and I can't sleep as I am remembering I had the same dream last night.
Dream was about : me being astronaut. Everything was usual. From rocket launch to be in space. Scary part was my ship in orbit of moon.
Seeing dead land from that height chocked me. Imagine you are looking out of the window and all you see a big grey land and pitch black in background. Realising there is no one out there was spooky.
The scary part was I launched some satellite but crash on surface. It was scary seeing something going smaller every time. Crashing on deserted land was one plus on adding fear.
Then my ship leave the orbit (from the reverse shock of that satellite dittachment ) and it flow away in the vastness of space......
Away from the moon and away from the earth in long loneliness.
I wish I could erase this from my memory but I am not gonna watch space exploration video anymore.
I got to say, landing on moon is one thing but being out there knowing one accident and you will be forever there. You need balls to be on such missions.4 -
Now that my math posts have failed to garner the anger they formerly did, we here at Wisecrack Studios, like all teams of people completely out of ideas, have come up with a brilliant never-before-tried concept to bring fresh shitposts to your pocket-telescreen this fine year of 2020.
We present to you the DevRant shitposter census!
Yes we pride ourselves in our quality bait and bullshit here at WS. Founded in [previous year a long long time ago], we focus on craftmanship, tradition, and doing it right. Our bait is loved the world over for "it's fresh flavor", "so good, it's like you're abusing heroin right along with the company employees!'
And now, you too get to participate and choose your very own bullshit!
You could say we may have invented a totally new word just to describe it: crowdsourcing!
Isn't it just *brilliant*.
Here is Wisecrack's "Private Select" census, of only the most choice *premium* finely-aged shitpost ideas for this [current year].
Please, please, one vote per customer!
* Moar javascript shitposts (no we won't be doing any more, even WE are tired of js rants).
* Overly pixelated memes (obviously not) blatantly ripped and automatically uploaded via shitty selenium scripts
* Real life hijinxs, trolling shitty companies hiring processes for fun at their expense!
* DevRantCon now with 100% more orgies. Reserve your kickstarter ticket today.
* Disappointing vaporware announcements that take ten minutes to read and build your excitement up only to crush it before your very eyes like a child's first lego build in the hands of an angry nd merciless andre the giant disappointed by the craftmanship of a five year old.
* A livestream of a monkey on an actual typewriter, with a btc betting pool each time an actual word is typed, along with a $5 "shock the monkey" button to spice things up a bit
(our lawyers are informing us this may or may not be illegal in some or all nations. We'll get back to you when sealand responds with our request about their laws on unnecessary animal cruelty. )
* Video conference with devrants creators where we all play "I've never" that doesn't end until at least one person passes out black drunk.
* Weekly comedy write ups with jokes (not obviously) blatantly stolen from cards against humanity
* HipsterRants: why your favorite [thing - game, music, movie, book] sucks, and why I hate you for liking it.
* Did we mention javascript rants?
* Cool new projects by devranters and our merciless breakdown of why each one is pure, unadulterated shit, everything that was done wrong, and why you should personally be ashamed for using it.
* SadRants: cancer, meth abuse, homelessness, how we'll all die at the end, and how the sun will one day turn into a giant ball of fire that will consume the earth and leave no trace that anyone ever existed, and nothing we do will ultimately matter.
* HappyRants: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) oh yeah, you feeling it now mr krabs?
* Technical breakdowns that are completely wrong, utterly incompetent, intentionally misleading, and wildly upvoted by people who are unfamiliar.
Vote for your favorite topic/idea today! or even submit your own for our 'consideration'!
Clickbait, now in technicolor!8 -
!dev
Nothing is a dream.
My very first step, as I left the staircase, was on a plate. A loud click made my instincts tick, pushing me to blindly roll forwards.
Before I even had the time to process, that I had just evaded being burnt alive by a wall of flames, the rumblings of another mechanism made my heart accelerate yet again.
Five iron spikes descended uppon me, scratching my cloak, but no more. Twice I was lucky...
But three doors: one behind me, two to my left and right. The ones at my sides spring open with a loud crack, and four terrors pour out, seeking to flay me alive and wear my skin.
I slash at them with my bloody falchion, walking backwards, seeking to escape through the remaining door. Primal fear runs through my spine as I realize: it's barred from the other side!
Burning through my mana, I manage to unlock the door, and quickly close it behind me... but the terrors do not abandon the chase. With inhuman strength, they pound on the door, while desperately crying out for my blood.
I try to escape to the next room... another locked door. There must be another way! There has to, or I'm as well as dead...
What's this, in the corner, among cobwebs? A handle... and a secret passageway, that I can close from the other side! Magnificent!
Another flight of stairs takes me deeper into the tomb. I find an oil lamp, suspiciously well-maintained. Someone has been here recently...
I marvel at the macabre carvings on the wall, depicting scenes from when immortal tyrants ruled the earth. Haven't I seen these before... ?
No matter, I must focus. I was instructed to find an artefact hidden within this acursed place, that I may use for the purification ritual -- there is only one way, so onwards.
An old wooden gate, with a broken bronze knob. Soon as I put my hand on it, it opens inwards...
Eyes black like diamonds, she awaited me inside.
I had never been, simultaneously, just as terrified as enraptured. Day and night, her voice still reverberates inside my mind. And even as I lay dead, her inescapable gaze still clutches the very bottom of my heart.
"Did you come for me?" she asked, smiling, opening up her arms, so that I may fall into her sweet, loving embrace.
"Yes" I whispered as I walked towards her, enthralled.
In a bout of deranged ecstasy, she drank every last drop of my blood. But then... she cried, cuddling my remains.
"No... no, no, NO!" her screams tore apart her very soul "I killed my son... I KILLED MY SON!"
Oh, mother...
Don't cry mother
it hurts no more.
Now I live again.
And I forgive you.
Because I loved you,
as ashamed as I am to admit,
the very moment I saw your eyes,
I loved you.
"I was imprisoned here, so that I may not harm anyone else" she muttered, tears in her eyes "I cannot stop myself -- I am cursed"
Do not ask of me, that I end your suffering.
How could I?
If there is no cure...
"Please, my love... " she begged "kill me... "
No... I can't...
I can't bear either weight
for the rest of this wretched eternity!
How could I take your life?
But how could I leave you to suffer?!
"Now we'll be together... " she smiled, as I raised the falchion.
"Forevermore" I wept, before bringing it down.
***
Nothing is a dream.
Somber, I returned to the Santuary, having fulfilled my mission.
But looking uppon the bone mask I donned, obscuring my eyes, the Matriarch knew that I had been... changed.
I felt no remorse as I slaughtered the witch that doomed my beloved, right on her own altar to heresy. She earned as much.
Her guards, however, I could not defeat.
But that doesn't matter;
deep inside, I was already dead.
And behind the mask,
the whole way through,
I had shed tears without pause.
"Now we'll be together... " I prayed to the nightsky, as silver blades punctured my thorax.
"Forevermore" her sweet voice replied.
*** -
how i learned what are browser user agent string?
i was learning web development and someone mentioned that term, and i was like yeah ok but deep down inside i was like why on earth would you need that?
few days after my father called me to see why his website(organisation's web protal to apply for leave) wasn't working(he thought i did something, beacuse i can code :/ ) and started scolding me that you did this, you are that and boy what a day that was, then after his speech, i learned that website said it worked best on IE 6,7 and that time IE 9 was latest and we were on windows 7 machine and I had no idea about how to get this done, and just like steve jobs said "you can't connect the dots looking forward" I googled how to change user string agent and told him that this browser has bug and you can solve it like this
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