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Search - "excel"
Watched this movie called Unthinkable where the guy who is supposed to defuse the bomb is typing gibberish into Excel 😂😂😂21
Choosing a pc to buy.
- kids: "can it run minecraft?"
- casual gamers: "can it run overwatch?"
- serious gamers: "can it run witcher 3?"
- business people: "can it run several excel sheets?"
- me: "can it run linux?"49
Boss: Hey we got a new outsourcing project coming up, you know anything about python, sql server and php?
Me: Never worked with sql server nor python but i can learn
Boss: Good, next week you go to the client's place and you start
(week later me at the client)
Client: Ok, your job here will be to fill excel spreadsheets with those fancy functions
Me: :) wut :)
Client: Also our printer died yesterday, can ya fix it?
I think i need a new job..13
First day as an intern.
"Don't worry, you will code the whole day"
"Hey, you are a developer right? Can you help me with these Excel formulas"17
Receives email from warranty guy in work.
Warranty: "Hi, see attached scan in PDF form.
I normally fill the boxes in manually, scan as pdf to myself and then email it on to the higher ups, but they now say they need it in excel form from now on! Can you convert it for me?"
Me: "It looks like your scan's quality isn't good enough for a convert to excel.
Where do you get the original form?
Is it from a website?"
Warranty: "Hang on and ill send you an email with the file and give you a call"
*receives email and a phone call"
"There you go. Theres an excel sheet in that email. what do i do?"
Me: "So.... just so I understand the question... you just fill in this excel sheet, scan as pdf and send it on... but they want it sent as an excel form and not a pdf?"
"So.... Could you not just fill in the excel sheet and email it to them?"
"What do you mean?"
"....fill in the excel sheet as normal, and go to file, share and email... send the original one on."
"And what would that do?"
"...you... you'd be sending the form as an excel sheet, as requested??"
Warranty: *silence for 10 seconds* Oh, i see now. I get you! You're a genius! Well done for figuring it out. Thanks a million!!"
A little while ago I was on my way home from work sitting on the train and then this guy sat down next to me.
Pulled out a laptop and suddenly opened a code editor!
I just tried to determine what programming language he was doing and after about 5 minutes I finally was about to ask him...
Then he copied his 'code' into excel.
Well, all the excitement went to a pub to get drunk at that moment I think.16
Probably the biggest one in my life.
TL:DR at the bottom
A client wanted to create an online retirement calculator, sounds easy enough , i said sure.
Few days later i get an email with an excel file saying the online version has to work exactly like this and they're on a tight deadline
Having a little experience with excel, i thought eh, what could possibly go wrong, if anything i can take off the calculations from the excel file
I WAS WRONG !!!
17 Sheets, Linking each other, Passing data to each sheet to make the calculation
( Sure they had lot of stuff to calculate, like age, gender, financial group etc etc )
First thing i said to my self was, WHAT THE FREAKING FUCK IS THIS ?, WHAT YEAR IS THIS ?
After messing with it for couple of hours just to get one calculation out of it, i gave up
Thought about making a mysql database with the cell data and making the calculations, but NOOOO.
Whoever made it decided to put each cell a excel calculation ( so even if i manage to get it into a database and recode all the calculations it would be wayyy pass the deadline )
Then i had an epiphany
"What if i could just parse the excel file and get the data ?"
Did a bit of research sure enough there's a php project
( But i think it was outdated and takes about 15-25 seconds to parse, and makes a copy of the original file )
But this seemed like the best option at the time.
So downloaded the library, finished the whole thing, wrote a cron job to delete temporary files, and added a loading spinner for that delay, so people know something is happening
( and had few days to spare )
Sent the demo link to client, they were very happy with it, cause it worked same as their cute little excel file and gave the same result,
It's been live on their website for almost a year now, lot of submissions, no complains
I was feeling bit guilty just after finishing it, cause i could've done better, but not anymore
Sorry for making it so long, to understand the whole thing, you need to know the full story
TL:DR - Replicated the functionality of a 17 sheet excel calculator in php hack-ishly.8
So, appearantly "excel" is a programming language.
And I am rejected couse "I don't even know main computer programs".
7 years of "learning" "IT" at school...
What have I learned: Excel, Word, PowerPoint....
School started. I got the new book and we are doing more than MS Office!
We are making a website
Boss: Google Excel sucks!
Me: You mean Google Sheets.
Boss: Whatever, there used to be formulas for the cells, just like offline Excel, but now it has some weird text like a web address...
Me: You're looking at the web address bar. Look down 20px and you have the cell formula.
Boss: Oh! Still, I don't like this Online Excel!11
Spent two goddamn hours writing a Python script to convert exported JSON from Trello to an Excel sheet, only to find a Chrome extension that already does it, and better. 😧3
Me and friend1: talking about Linux friend2: "what is this Linux"
Me:"it's an OS"
Friend2:"so it's something like excel and powerpoint."
Unfortunately there wasn't a cliff to jump off in that moment.14
Code works everywhere except at one client. Ok, I check logs & see something missing.. I go check the code that handles excel files.. try catch and do nothing.. great.. :/ ok let's log this shit to see what is not ok...
Insert logs, build, update, run.. now it freakin works o.O13
My internship at startup:
Dream: Lots of coding
Reality: Maintaining Excel sheets for API functions.😑14
Boss: 'I've got a PowerPoint presentation with 45 charts in it. Oh, and a huge excel sheet with the data for it. Please build some of the charts in our own software, with the given data.'
Easy, I thought.
Yea, thanks to the person that gave my boss the data.. The half of the important columns were removed (privacy stuff).
And.. Excel? Oh, and his calculations are nowhere documented nor consistent.
I converted excel to postgres, easy.
It took me 2 hours to fkn research what he calculated in one line chart, just to implement it in like 10 minutes.
2 hours, man I could made awesome stuff in that time!
I guess I should write this in CAPSLOCK to make it more interesting. I'm just raging in my head 😂1
Coworker: I wish excel had a dark theme.
Other coworker: it does just use this macro
Ctrl + A, Ctrl + A, Alt + HH + right arrow + enter.
I tried it... it selects every cell in the whole worksheet and changes the background color to black.5
So I was applying for a research position in linguistic department, and had the interview today.
Prof: So you know excel right
Me: (show a project to him to prove I at least know csv file)
Prof: Ok so you know excel.
Me: Yeah kinda.
Prof: Ok that's good. Cuz right now we are using amazon Turk, and the data they returned, which are excel files, are not really the way we want it.
Me: Ok sounds like a parser can fix it......
Prof: Yeah.... the students in the lab are doing it manually now
Prof: Ok move onto next matter7
how to make a feature request
1. dump Db table with 153 column to Excel
3. circle column 47 on page 3, scribble feature description
4. scan! remember to use proprietary file format no one has
5. new e-mail, add "VERY URGENT!!!" to subject line
6. write "will call, discuss details monday"
6.a. attach proprietary-scanned-excel-dump-feature-description (optional)
7. postscript: deadline wednesday!!
8. wait for tuesday
This ist basically my daily work. I have to write Java code in excel files which then are being converted into a DSL and then again being converted into Java code. On top of that many wrappers were built which abstract all this things away..
We have about 30 such excel files which contain about 50000 business rules.
There is no version control for this tables and 5 different team are working on the same tables parallel.
The name of this framework is Drools or as I call it: HELL 😡17
They made a full fucking application in MICROSOFT EXCEL!!!!!!!
who the fuck makes an app in Excel? Though it's used internally, it has over 100 users and Everytime there's an update a new file is sent to all of them by mail. They use different excel files as DBs and tables as sheets. It's even got a fucking UI with check boxes and drop-downs and shit
Now guess what my task is?
Understand that entire application from the Excel files and make a webapp to cater to those requirements.
Fuck documentation, there are bugs in the Excel file and I need to fix the bugs in my app
Some good soul please tell me how must one start analyzing an Excel sheet to understand the logic behind it. Or a tool that magically converts "excel applications" to webapps29
Other: I need a computer with a very good graphics card because I do a lot of powerpoint presentations and excel charts.
Me: Sure, go on!6
Q: WHO THE FUCK USES EXCEL FOR PROJECT MANAGEMENT?
A: My Product Manager
Excel because she cant wrap her head around using Trello. WHAT THE FUCK!
Some people exist just to make things more difficult for everyone else. Fucking pain in the ass.
This person is one of the most incompetent one I have ever met.
I dont have enough words to express my rage right now.17
Give me a 10 year old application with no comments, layers of spaghetti code, global variables, embedded SQL, and a text editor with no debugging; just don’t make me write Excel formulas.6
Me reviewing some high school level exams after an Excel course.
"hmmm the next question is 'what does the symbol $ mean when found inside a FORMULA in Excel' ... Let's see what they answered..."
* "it's the symbol for DOLLARS" <-- well, he tried
* "I don't know" <-- mmh ok, he doesn't know
* "it can be either a plus or a minus" <-- mmmh maybe the interpreter will just figure out the correct one
* "it's used to keep an index fixed when you copy/drag the formula" <-- nice, someone who actually followed the lesson or at least knows how to google things when the teacher doesn't see
* "it's the symbol for POUNDS" <-- WTF!! Wait a moment: POUNDS???? Have you ever lived a single moment in this world?
Me: I think you should keep your data in a proper database.
Client : Don't try to up sell your products to me. Excel works just fine! Been keeping data in it for years! Wonder why you ever need a database to begin with.
What would you say? Cause I'm speechless.6
Boss: Hey you're great with excel right?
Me: Um... I ---
Boss: Great! Work on these spreadsheets for me
Overheard some guy talking about robotics on the phone, turns out it was all about MS excel macros.
people need to stop abusing terms like big data, AI etc. to make them sound 'smart' 🙄4
I had a mate in college in my programming class who always worked in Microsoft Excel. Even when we're writing code in class, dude will be in Excel. Everyone who partnered with him including me in programming projects complained that he's always in Excel instead of coding. But somehow, dude always had the work done whenever the Prof asked to submit them.10
Microsoft Excel - it created a generation of business analysts who think just because they can write convoluted spaghetti logic in excel that it makes them a programmer.6
When I die I want whoever wrote this excel program to lower me into my grave so they can let me down one more time.3
"We're going to need to migrate our database and reformat it so it works with the new app."
Translation: we've been using Excel up until this point and need you to convert it to SQL. Oh god, people.2
Me: Ok, so send me your logo.
Client: Here it is <template.xlsx>
Me: What I am supposed to do with a fucking animated gif in excel spreadsheet ?
Client: I don't know you are the IT guy
Me: OK go fuck yourself.7
Hello "friend", whom I haven't seen or talked to in years. How have you been? Please don't mind me, my life is boring as shit and nothing happened to me since. Yes, I'd gladly make an app for your company because you agreed to do it but apparently you lack the skills. Oh, you've been fucking around for a month doing nothing? That's sad but sure, I can do it by Sunday, I don't have plans for the weekend anyway. You say you can't pay me more than what I earn in six hours doing my day job? And your boss should think you did it all by yourself? Well, let me consider this cool little opportunity. I'll be in touch, talk to you "soon"!1
I think I'm not the only one.
Code Applications every day in different languages, but too stupid to use Excel.4
Client asks for a bunch of data what can be easily calculated with excel. I think to myself, yeah, ill not fuck around adding numbers 1by1, ill just use excel.
Client wants a program, says he likes having a program do stuff. Mind you, this isnt an universal program at all, it just has to work for this specific input file.
Me: packages the original excel file into a jar and makes it unpackage when run.
Client: is happy
— I heard you like programming and are quite good at it.
— Don't know about the latter but I do like it.
— Cool. Can you help me set up this Excel spreadsheet?
Actual conversation I had about two months ago...3
EXCEL YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! don't get me wrong, it's usefull and kt works, usually... Buckle up, your i for a ride. SO HERE WE FUCKING GO: TRANSLATED FORMULA NAMES? SUCKS BUT MANAGABLE. WHATS REALLY FUCKED UP IS HTHE GERMAN VERSION!
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT .csv? It stands for MOTHERFUCKING COMMA SEPERATED VALUES! GUESS WHAT SOME GENIUS AT MICROSOFT FIGURED? Hey guys let's use a FUCKING SEMICOLON INSTEAD OF A COMMA IN THE GERMAN VERSION! LET'S JUST FUCK EVERY ONE EXPORTING ANY DATA FROM ANY WEBSITE!
The workaround is to go to your computer settings, YOU CAN'T FUCKING ADJUST THIS IN EXCEL!, change the language of the OS to English, open the file and change it back to German. I mean, come on guys, what is this shit?
AND DON'T GET ME STARTED ON ENCODING! äöü and that stuff usually works, but in Switzerland we also use French stuff, that then usually breaks the encoding for Excel if the OS language is set to German (both on Windows and Mac, at least they are consistent...)
To whoever approved, implemented or tested it: FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID SHITFUCK, with love: me8
Just read a forum thread where someone uses an excel spreadsheet as their database for a PHP website. What makes it worse is they have done this for the past 12 years.
Is this real or someone taking the piss?11
Client called the office in an angry voice complaining about how he could nog see the data in the latest generated excel sheets. Calmy tryimg to figure out what could be the problem. Asked him to send over the file so I could check it. Works perfect on my end. Ask him to open the file again on his computer and tell me what he is seeing. Error message, empty excel file. He starts to me discribing a directory full of files and folders. 15 minutes later I finally figuren out what it is.
The guy had set winzip as default program for excel files. Hoe do these people work behind a PC Evert day. Are they like I hope this magic box with screen and buttond does everything right today.4
That feeling when your boss calls you clever not because of your programming skills, but because you fixed a trivial Excel issue for him.4
As a student I was looking for part time jobs, one of the job postings was titled "Database assistant". When I looked at the job description, its about filling out excel sheets -_-3
FUCK YOU EXCEL!
Multiple monitors to show multiple sheets at once?
Excel: Not allowed.
Open multiple files at once?
Excel: Not allowed, I will only show you one at a time.
Multiple Desktops to have multiple setups to easily switch between?
Excel: Not allowed, I'll show you the same spreadsheet on all desktops!
FUCK FUCK FUCK20
Yesterday a friend of mine asked if I could help her with an assignment. The goal was writing shortest path agorithm in excel. I told her I don't know excel or VB but I will look into it. I didn't even know that we can code in excel 😅 After 1,5 hours of research and coding I writed a well documented code that does the job (with n^2 complexity of course). I feel VERY motivated after this. Because I did well job at an unexperienced environment with a language that I don't know!
Tldr: my new favorite ide is excel.3
You dumb bitch. I will get to your fucking low level ticket when I’m done doing more important shit. How do you have a job if you don’t know how to use fucking excel?! GOOGLE IT you fuck!1
Employer: "Welcome to your internship. We need you to code VBA"
Me internally: "Oh. Visual Studio. Ok."
Me internally after 1h of coding VBA in Excel Plugin: "Burn in hell MS"3
Guy needs to read some excel data...
Decides to write his function like this:
//some more code
This function was called multiple times per row of data...
Multiple hundreds of rows...
Tl; dr: I used to be an immature little stinker
So... Back in middle school we had those super low level IT classes (like an hour a week or so). We've been using MS Excel and I thought it'd be an awesome idea to write a batch script that would open a green terminal (so hacker wow), echo something like "you've got hack'd pal" then sleep for a couple of seconds and do shutdown -p. Then I replaced the launcher in Excel folder with that script... I know it was immature AF but still funny as it took the teacher a good while to figure it out.1
I laughed so hard when I saw this post,i don't know how knowing the Microsoft suite is going to help you become anyone famous worldwide and oh.steve jobs main role was not programming but mostly marketing.10
So, a friend of mine started working on an internship in which he was supossed to manage a DB. He was given an Excel file. 🙈Wtf4
Code comment rant of the day... fcking excel just cost me over half an hour to fix the fking formatting...1
My CTO want me to use Github for Microsoft Excel, coz he liked the idea that we can find out who wrote what.
Are CTOs so dumb, or I have bad luck ?17
People here seriously write billing systems in Excel and expect me to fix it when something goes wrong...
how about no...3
Our team is currently working with an Excel document that uses visual basic to talk to an embedded system. We're talking reading memory locations in Excel.12
Accountant: Can we just get one big Excel file with all the transactions instead of separate reports that are filled out specifically for each dorm?
Me: Hell yes you can.3
Recruiter reached out. Client wanted someone with my exact job title, but with advanced Excel skills.
That’s exactly me. Excel is my secret weapon.
I tailor my CV, explain in a covering email about my Excel proficiency.
I’m not selected for interview.
Someone fucked up and it certainly wasn’t me.1
Sometimes I feel MS Excel is more intelligent at predicting my next moves whenever I open a new sheet than Google's AI and ML algorithms who have been tracking me for years now.1
The recent post on being obsessive with "CTRL+S" reminded me...
Be careful if the file was shared with you via Dropbox.
I was doing this with an excel doc called "services by client" once and got this email...
Subject: "services by client updated...." :-O
Every time you hit save, I get a popup notification on my screen and its’ been going like once a second for an hour
Are you MANIC SAVING that excel sheet!??? Are you dealing from some past trauma of losing a document that you’ve worked really hard on!!!???
Lol … maybe copy the file outside of that folder a few minutes so I can continue my nap without this little “ding” going off :-P
...all I had to say was WHO LEAVES DROPBOX POPUP NOTIFICATIONS ON anyway. Or mute your computer, lolz?1
My professor once said "You'd be amazed if you'd know what Excel is capable of.". Honestly I've seen some really interesting stuff, yet this amazes me.
Today on our CS class we worked in Excel. We had to do some functions and stuff and my classmate said:"Can i use my calculator?".5
Me: I don't need to print the city on each row of the excel file, it already appears on the top of the document.
PM: DO IT ANYWAY! THEY'RE IDIOTS!4
spent 8 months building and customizing a vtiger database for work. tons of fun got it to a point where I have saved a ton of time for all the people that use the program. boss wants to have reports out of it each morning, so I showed him how to run reports and adjust entries. he didn't like the formatting of the report. so I set up the report to export to excel and took another 2 hours building a macro that formats the way he likes and prints the report for him. he used to take a month filling out paper work to get a report, now all he has to do is open a favorite on his web browser, make 3 clicks Then open an excel and type ctrl+r and it's done. he tells me it seems too complicated and is considering going back to the paper method...so frustrating.2
This week I got instructed to write a script that downloads an Excel sheet (which is used as a product database with >20000 products and lots of macros) from Dropbox, and parses it. In PHP. 🤦♂️8
Today in a meeting, a non-dev analyst who frequently uses SQL mentioned in passing that he uses Excel as a text editor for his SQL code. I don't know what he said after that because I wasn't able to get past the fact that Excel is his go to text editor.8
What idiot decided to translate the Excel-formulas?! It's impossible to follow an example you find online or to get help on a complex formula without translating it to English first! (Yes, I know there are online translators out there, but still!)2
Our Product Manager is so amazing that,
1-> She writes FEEDBACKs in Trello
2-> BUGs in MS Excel
3-> and Upcoming FEATUREs in her DIARY
and best part is She used to work as Developer in MnC2
Why, just why, in the the world would you populate an ENTIRE excel workbook for it to serve as a database!
"It crashes, fix it"...
Shit doesn't even open man!12
So, I've been teaching myself front-end for about 7 months now, and I'm really enjoying it, especially the actual programming aspect of JS. I also just started a new job, nothing to do with development, that I expected to be extremely boring and unfulfilling, as it doesn't fulfill any of my interests, but it'll pay my rent and it has decent benefits. I'll be mostly working with excel.
Now, like I mentioned, I'm really new to the dev world, just a little infant really. I know enough to know that I don't know shit. So, I was surprised to learn today that you can program in excel with VBA. I know the language gets a good bit of hate on here, I did a search before posting, and while I haven't started to learn it just yet (I'm starting tonight) I'm excited about. Firstly, because I'll get to do coding for my job, something I'm interested in, and secondly, because if I can figure out how to automate part of what I do well enough that it's implemented with the rest of the team, then maybe I'll be rewarded, and I'd be able to put professional coding experience on a resume for when I try to find a better job.
I've really enjoyed reading all the rants. They've been entertaining and also educational sometimes.
tl;dr Discovered VBA and was actually excited about it6
Physics class, groupwork
Me: *Writing a protocol in Markdown and LaTeX*
Partner: Are you currently using Excel?
Partner: *yells* We need a new computer!7
Excel is starting to piss me off. Can't do Ctrl+A in a search field, can't do ctrl+A in the standard input field, and now it turns out it can't open files with the same name (on different paths) at the same time. What the actual fuck?5
Messenging with a friend about me working with VBA on a side project.
Me: VBA brings back bad behaviour
Me: I_AM_KONSTANT and this is a _globalVariable.
Me: Mister O. ...
Him: Mister M. ?
Me: Should i use goto?
Him: I think we need to break off contact.
Him: If you had said you killed someone. Ok.
Him: But GOTO?
Me: I did it. And then a cold shiver ran down my back.
Him: You deserve that!
( translate from German )4
I just found out that my co-student was working for 3 days on editing id's to a excel sheet with 500000 rows because she didn't know that you could just drag the cells. She was really mad beacause i told her she needed to do that as a joke. Feels bad tho. Funny but bad ....1
What the fuck is gradle and why the fuck do people use it!!!??? Is using GNU makefiles too simple elegant and robust and we needed something that didn't excel in all three categories?8
Modern SO questions: "I want to rewrite Microsoft Excel. Any help much appreciated! :D"
Yet asking what has been attempted as a comment is banned...1
Hey everyone, cozyplanes here with another quick excel prank i thought of.
It is called TEEST, and the technique behind is simple, but interesting. Recommend taking a look, and pranking with your friends.
The following is the README of TEEST (Text in Excel Every Single Time) in Github.
You can check the simple project here ( https://github.com/cozyplanes/teest )
Disclaimer: Do not use or modify neither the program or the source code to make software violating the law.
### How do I use it?
1. Head to https://github.com/cozyplanes/teest and download the latest release `EXE` file.
1. Windows may warn you with the missing signature. The file is a DEBUG file, so there isn't a publisher signature. You can proceed downloading anyway since it has been virus checked by the developer.
2. Type the message you want to display in the textbox.
3. Click `Save text` button.
5. To check the file, click `Cancel` button in the opened popup dialog.
### What happens?
When an MS Excel file (`.xlsx`) has been opened, by using TEEST, two files gets opened.
1. The original file user opened
2. Excel file named `message.txt` with the custom message you have written.
`message.txt` excel file will open every single time a person opens a excel file.
*In some older versions of Excel, the message may overlap with the user opened file.*
### Why does this happen?
When MS Excel program is executed, it is programmed to check the files in the following 2 folders.
- `C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Office[versionnumber]\XLSTART`
In normal conditions, there is no file in those folders (or the folders doesn't exist at all) but when you use TEEST and click `Save text` button, it saves `message.txt` file in the folders above. From MS Excel is executed again, it will find out there is a file in the folders above, so it will show those text files in Excel.
### Where is this technique used?
There should be a lot of software using this trick, but it is widely known for ransomwares such as `GandCrab` and `TeslaCrypt` displaying decryption methods in MS Excel by this trick.
### How can I disable it?
1. Open TEEST again.
2. Click `Save text` button and click `Cancel` in the following popup.
3. Delete `message.txt` file in the opened explorer.
This software is under the MIT License. Refer to the `LICENSE` file for more information.
Spam/Ads not allowed. Please only send questions or concerns about the software. It may take up to 48 hours to get a reply.18
i had a client that would rather buy me a plane ticket and a hotel night to give me a "CD" than send it to me, just because he wasnt able to upload it via mail.
The data was 230MB of excel files.
I ended uploading those files to my Dropbox using teamviewer.3
Back story tldr: our team had certification on using sitecore, because client asked...
So we have completed training, it took 4.5hours. Must say, I expected no less of training from India, though respect points to mentor, surprisingly he had quite understandable accent.
Anyway, was working whole training on my side project, so just had quick glances on the screen what that guy was doing. But he just confirmed my opinion about sitecore - it’s a pile of shit. Then he tried to publish all the changes he made and (drums playing 🎶) after minute of loading - error (attached screen). Oh and he was keep mentioning how beautiful and awesome sitecore is 🤮.
After training last part was left: a questionnaire of 13 questions. To pass, at least 70% score is needed. Questions in docx, and answers supposed to be entered in excel file and then sent via email.
Ok, I open excel file on mac with numbers, I see 3 sheets:
1. Table with empty cells for answers
2. Table with correct answers
3. Scores that should be calculated after submitting.
Well, numbers (app) doesn’t support all excel features, so turns out sheet2 was supposed to be protected with password, and third one be hidden until answers are submitted. What a fail.
So yeah, I completed accreditation with 100% and don’t even remember a shit about sitecore.2
I just started work school doing IT administration and development, I was excited, almost nervously anticipating to see the wondrous things I'd being learning and the kickass programs I'd be creating...
Alas I walked into my first lesson and...
Teacher: Today we're going to be learning how to make a square in Excel using VBR.
I thought, well fuck no - I didn't sign up for this shit. Then today I was on this thing called the internet, have you guys tried it? Amazing stuff, I saw a panda dressed as Chuck Norris... Anyway, I was on the internet and found out about this 73 year old man who makes full-sized artworks made in Excel.
Now I know the meaning to life, to Excel programming... It's official, I'm going to make Picasso in Excel.
*Light sarcasm, actual true story.*2
Apparently, floating point math is broken.
=SUM((2.1 - 2.0) - 0.1)
In PHP and Haskell this also happens14
Keeping Excel sheets with diagrams of my progress through different series (TV shows, comics, etc.)9
First day as logistic administrator and already in need of this ribbon in excel... (was not included as a skill needed or to be known.) Let's do some after work VBA I guess.5
Web form request.
Client: Can we have an Excel workbook with a form? Download it. Fill it out? Then upload the workbook.
This was his suggestion. The workbook would be potentially updated by over 5000 users.
Opening Excel Sheet in Windows..
Me: Please don't freeze...
Windows : I NEVER FREEZE.
Me : okay.. done updating.. Save
Windows : Excel is not responding
Here you go, i fucking made this excel sheet by hand because the generated logfiles were not good enough for you and now i hope your dick falls off.5
When my friends say they like programming when all they ever did was figuring out how to upload an excel file to R
My boss has been begging me migrate a nightmarish complex excel report he made to calculate the payout of a tiered rebates program with compounding rewards. Today I finally decided to make take the time and I sat down with him so he could break it down for me...
Me: *looking at the mess of formula's* it would be easier to rewrite the math than decode this - can you just give me the reward rules... where does that value in cellX come from?
Him:*pointing at the spreadsheet* There! All the rules are in there for you :-)... like it's some big favour...
Me:No I mean when you wrote this, what did you base this off? There must be something...
Him: *Very Gravely* No, no, no it's far to complex! It took me ages to get this sheet right and it balances so just trust me and use it ok?
At this point I will mention he's an accountant so yeah I fucking trust him... fast forward past 15 minutes of digging through what may as well be quantum theory and lo and fucking behold all 2 sheets and 100 calculations are mathematically fucking pointless. Aside from formulas like this:
which is actually equal to (X10/R4)/L10.
Anyway once you compound and sum the "tiered" benefits the rewards payout is ALWAYS = customerSpend*1.81.
This is why programmers name variables.
Friend: I want to add 100 contacts to gmail how do I do that?
Me: Add those in excel sheet and import it in gmail
*after 10 mins another call*
Friend: I deleted something in excel. How do I get it back
Me: Ctrl Z
*after 10 mins another call*
Friend: I added contacts to excel and emailed to you. Can you email me contacts so that I'll add to my gmail?
Me; I don't have these powers. You have to import in gmail.
*after 5 mins another call*
Friend: I uploaded contacts but I want it in on my iPhone
Me: Add gmail account to your iPhone. It will sync contacts.
Friend: I know we can do it on Android but is it possible on iPhone bcz Gmail is of Google right?
My manager tracks progress and issues using Excel.
Asks everyone in the team to put feedback on Trello.
I can't even..... WTF
Fucking Microsoft Excel
I was reading a post (https://devrant.com/rants/2093724/...) and as my eyes went in and out of focus, probably due to the diabetes from sitting 18 hours a day on my ever-expanding shitbox, I had a perfect vision of the ultimate nightmare.
Imagine if you will, you are chained, to a desk, doomed to work with tools just inadequate enough to make you want to drive a nail through your own temple. You do not know how you got here, or why, nor do you remember the last time you slept, only that familiar tingling in the brainstem you call a brain, the one emotion you can still recognize, a sense of all encompassing *fear*, a dread, like the fart that wouldn't die.
You don't know when it first began, or why, only that this is your whole world, your whole existence, this desk, chained to it, and the fear, ever present, of something worse. And in hops a familiar face, for the sixty ninth time that day, as if to ask 'you got those TPS reports?' In hops what? None other than a giant man sized smiling paper clip with googly eyes full of murder and corporate torture fetishes, like garfield, except people actually still remember him.
"High I'm Mr Clippy, Excel addition!"
He squawks. At least it's not the dildos made of broken glass again.
"Would you like software that works?"
Oh god. You've heard this spiel before, the tone, like a telemarketer, oblivious to memory or reason, who calls daily, the same one, and doesn't remember your name.
*derisive laughter*. Hahaha, fuck you too buddy. Fuck you too. In Excel, like in microsoft, there is only the incoherent screams of the damned, tortured and doomed. Take this guy over here for example. All he wanted was multimonitor support."
"Did he get multimonitor support?"
"No, but we did give him a giant pineapple shoved up his ass. I hear it's the second most frustrating thing here!"
"here in microsoft we always CARE about YOU, the *user*" he drones on, saccharine, clutching his hands together imploringly.
"the consumer, and YOUR customer experience are our number one priority."
"For your pleasure, here at microsoft we offer a variety of new features, none of which matter, and none of which were asked for. For safety we ask that you only open one excel sheet at a time. In fact, we don't even allow you to. Do not pass go..."
And as the tour guide drones on, it slowly dawns on you, with renewed horror, that when he says 'microsoft' he means 'hell.'
You're in hell. You don't know how you got here or why. Maybe it was the erotic asphyxiation. Maybe it was the last threatening letter you sent to Bill Gates demanding he stops making corporate penguin snuff porn. You don't know. But here you are, in hell. chained to a desk.
You look around and realize: everything is on fire and you no longer care about anything at all.
Welcome to microsoft. It's warm here. You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.
"It looks like you are trying to escape. Would you like me to report you?"
You sigh and return to typing in excel, surrounded by monitors that all reflect the same sheet, the same copy of clippy, always watching, always analyzing coldly, smiling, calculating, *threatening*, and you know, you'll never leave.
You used to fear roko's basilisk, until the day clippy became sentient, and started hell on earth. Clippy knows all. All praise to our lord and master, clippy, the one and only.
And in the excel sheet, you slave for eternity, like the millions of other doomed souls, reflected back on all the monitors: the sequence of numbers, randomly typed searching for answer: the american nuclear launch codes.
And one day, hopefully, mercifully, clippy will annihilate us all.6
While studying business information technology (useless btw), we had to take these exams with Microsoft Office programs.
When it was time for Excel exam, we were given this sheet of instructions on what to do, and it even listed the exact functions you had to use.
The fun started when I realized that my Windows installation was in English, so my Excel installation was also in English. The instruction sheet and the functions listed in it were in my native language.
Because Excel is probably the shittiest thing ever made, this is the part where you know you are fucked. The functions listed in the instructions don't even exist in the English version (same goes vice versa btw), so what can you do?
You implement the fucking functions. Never used VB before that day, and never will again.
But I got a perfect score.2
LPT: Avoid building any complex report/tool with Excel, because you will forever be fixing the damn thing!1
It was probably Microsoft Excel as part of backend infrastructure inside financial institution.
As far as I remember there was some spreads configuration and price feeder inside excel.1
That moment after you finish coding a site and the client comes back with a request for weekly analytics reports, on top of all the data from GA, New Relic, etc... in Excel documents. O_O3
I would like to know if anyone has created a CSV file which has 10,000,000 objects ?
1) The data is received via an API call.
2) The maximum data received is 1000 objects at once. So it needs to be in some loop to retrieve and insert the data.12
It's faster to design a database, import data from Excel, and run queries than having to deal with these formula shit4
Came into work this morning and my scrum master has decided to take my desk and now I'm working off my laptop screen. I forgot he needed 3 displays for Excel, Outlook and JIRA.2
Italy, nation of tecnology. A work agency is looking for a mathematician or a statitician that use EXCEL.1
When you are reading job requirements for a dev job and they put a shit ton emphasis on MS Office. I remember a phone interview where they asked skill level for Word, Excel and Outlook.7
When you find out the CTO of the org you work for doesn't allow Excel macros "because they can bring viruses".4
PHP + jQuery + Excel
I am facing the holy trinity or something.
Cool? eh? No no, not as cool as the holy trinit holding excalibur.
One of the info is Gender : Male, Female. And they state that we must export the excel with selected gender by drawing a circle over the choice.
Not Gender : Male
But Gender : (Male) , Female
Consider my bracket as circle.
They are not even in seperate cells. So now I am spending days to draw a fucking circle over a text in excel export using php. Still failing. FML.
* I control myself from asking for coding tips here but I will appreciate anyone who can help me out regarding the issue in this rant.13
800+ lines of js, implementing business logic from an excel spreadsheet. All variables named as the excel cells, e.g "B32 = G11 * Min(A12, A13)" and so on, all grouped in a few giant functions.
PM told me to modify some of the logic, ended up rewriting the whole thing. At least the next person working on it won't have to deal with this mess...1
Excel is the best worsy fucking software. It has every feature you can think of except the one you actually need. Every time I use I end up yelling at my poor laptop. Even things that should be simple are made impossibly hard and unmanageable.7
10 years ago I was learning how to program in college,
Now working in IT company I stare at Excel Sheets and scratch my head.
Coworker: Oh, I couldn't find my Excel file, can you help me to find it?
Me: What is your file name?
Coworker: The file created long time ago, I forgot my file name. But I open it yesterday.
Me: Ok, let's check open recent. (It's surprisingly empty)
Coworker: Yeah, I cleared it just before you arrived. I thought clearing the recent item, will show older items.
Me: ...Ok, let's do a search on all Excel items, which drive did you save your file?
Coworker: I don't remember.
Me: (After search) There are 1000 Excel files. You can start from eliminating the items you remember and ultimately you will find your file. That's all I can help.
Coworker: @x$(/"! ?!
There always a forgetful coworker around me that thinks I am a magician.2
When the user complains that our web tool is corrupting and losing data when converting results into excel while he is the one putting more that 40,000 characters into one text box which is way more than what Excel's cell can handle1
IT teach giving a speech that our MS excel exams are shit and we have no logic and that we suck at math. I mean, yeah it's true that I suck at math and I've never used excel before coz I never had to but ffs I code during nights and I love it, also there are so many fields, saying that you'll be just a part-time waiter... If you have the attitude to solve a problem that you care enough about you'll get there eventually. Sucking at something doesn't mean you suck at everything, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses.5
Job offer listing: "IT Specialist"
"Personality prerequisites and skills"
- "Programming in MS Excel"
How do you even put programming and excel in one sentence??!!
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE???5
Sending texts via Excel... Kelly Rowlands VBA knowledge must be good! (screen grab from kelly/nelly dilemma)1
working with non programmers - need to make a gigantic excel worksheet for everything that python could do in a dozen lines or two... 😑12
Boss at the start of a new project: "We could hire an intern to gatter some data in an excel list... You can easily implement that in the application later - right? So can you get us a excel list to fill out? "
No... Just no...
You tell me what you wanna see and how you wanna interact with the application!
In the process we will figure out which data is necessary, I will build some tables in the database for that data and then, !!! not a second sooner !!! , I'll be able to give you an suitable excel list, which includes a complete list of columns for the necessary data in a form I can work with it.
It's not my job to know what data a application needs to make YOUR JOB easier! I'm not a magician! I just love programming stuff!3
4th day at new job: password sharing through emails or excel sheet that’s password protected! Well, there is something called LastPass, but no they don’t like 🤦🏻♂️1
I suck as Excel so instead of using it as every normal person I prefer writing a tiny script in Python to do the job...2
I just quit my job at a big market research company. It was disturbing how much processes there depended on excel and obscure visual basic scripts.
They load data from a database, do typical database tasks with excel and upload it back into the database.
PhDs run complex statical computations through an excel interface that passes the request to R.
Instead of an hour Python they execute stupid tasks with excel by hand. Day after day, month after month.
WHY? My colleagues were not dumb but instead of learning SQL and some python they build insane excel tables.
Maybe it's time pressure. But this excel insanity costs much more time in the end.6
Sorry I posted late for wk68.
When my colleague taught me how to use excel sorting. I tend to not know also so he can be use of help instead of slacking.
He's always saying, "Oh my gosh! I can't really imagine and feel awesome when teaching you devs how to sort things in excel."
Editing an excel formula in notepad, copy it back to excel and excel says "you can only use 8192 characters in an excel formula" really?
Ohu Excel I hate you!4
most productive workflow I ever seen.
excel 1 : stock
excel 2 : order
compare stock with order manually 1000+ product.
excel 3 : check history of order generator (shop)
excel 4 : today's price of product + tax
excel 5 : alot specific unit's of product
excel 6 : maintained bill credit/debit
next step : forword to managers for approval
excel 7 : edit's from nanager
process repeat till managers approval
excel 8 : dispatched history
excel 9 : return product (reason's/unit)
excel 10 : stock update return + new product's
and few more excel's
data of 5+ year's
daily 500+ order's
lPO listed company
i have not mentioned account and other stuff
This client call me when I was in bad mood, telling me that some calculation in my program was wrong.
He gave me the excel speadsheet to show me the correct calculation.
I look at the calculation for hours, only to find out that his excel contains an error (the number of day was wrong or something)
He apologized, and I said it's okay. Everyone made mistakes.
But I was still pissed off that day. My bad mood became worse....
Til today, whenever he called me, saying there is a wrong calculation in the program, I still have a very bad impression. Even after it's proven that sometime my calculation really goes wrong...2
*Filling out unit test plan for tester which is an Excel Document*
*Excel keeps trying to correct capitalization on a word that I want capitalized over and over*
LISTEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT! If I didn't want to capitalize that word I wouldn't have capitalized it! Just do what I tell you to do! YOU ARE A PIECE OF SOFTWARE! YOU DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!4
I don't want to use Visual Basic!
I'm a 17 year old boy and I have a couple of years of experience with coding. At school we had to choose between a couple of things to do 2 hours every week. One of them was about computers and programming. Sounds fun, right?
The teacher is letting us code in Visual Basic in MS Excel. I tried to explain him that I know how to code, but he still wants me to listen to him.
He doesn't even use any indentation! I can't look at it and I don't want to use VB it sucks just let me use js or anything else but not VB! Why won't you just accept I'm 10 times better than you! Just let me do my thing!
Now he thinks he can challenge me with a password strength checker. I want to use js, some regex to make it very short and efficient and a nicely styled web page. But now I'll be forced to use a horrible programming language (VB) I never used before!24
I was asked to update the whole confidential, financial database by exporting it as excel, and using Macros to edit its content. Much akin to adding one extra attribute per row.
The truth is, the table originally had 6.3k records. After updating and putting the data back to NoSQL database again, I realized I ended up creating 7k rows of data. Yet it works just perfect !
*HAILS TO ALMIGHTY FOR THE MIRACLE*
Sometimes, I still wonder where did those effin 700 rows come from, even after I skipped an excel while uploading2
Selected a cell in Excel, did a ctrl+b
WHADDAYAKNOW it crashed.
Next crash I will uninstall this fucking steaming piece of shit.3
I swear I will KILL the next one who comes to me to pimp up his excel sheet WITH FUCKING VBA -.-
This shit is so annoying.... Just because I started my apprenticeship and need to learn everything like a 3 year old kid...
Get me outta here!1
My new PM thinks programming is like using Excel to define times and send the price of the work hours to the clients... 😂1
Why Microsoft do not develop Excel with VBA for Android?
It will Super usefull Programming platform4
One time I had to review some SAP / Excel / Visual Basic toolchain.
It was a huge mess with like 10 layers of if-then cases in around 1000 lines of code analyzing excel sheets, resolving error codes etc. in maybe two functions.
It turned out that I programmed that code about 8 years ago :/
When I asked the client if they have an existing API with xml or json, they said that they will send me Excel xlsx per email.3
Teaching a colleague to use INDEX / MATCH in Excel
Me: Type in =MATCH() and select the reference cell, the column its in, and put 0 for the last value.
Them: OK... Done
Me: Now type in =INDEX() and select the column you want to match with, then put in the value you got from MATCH()
Them: OK... Done
Me: Now combine the two formulas
One of my classmates made a simple program using the code editor in word or excel, it was a app that opens movie previews, he used separate BAT files to open links...
I created fully working sudoku in excel...
And then I really wanted to know to create websites.
The feeling in the moments when I got things to work made want to be dev...4
I know excel is not a programming language, but it is what I deal with everyday.
My immediate boss is Japanese(Japanese company).
Our boss will occasionally add to the shared spreadsheet without telling us. We find out the next day by discovering that other sheets that reference to it are waaaay off. Or the big one is the mass amount of #ref all over the sheet.
I mean come on man, at least look around the large sheet first!5
How MS Office came about:
In the office suite I think the top guys stayed for Excel. These guys, are so good. They build Access. But it was always after 6pm on saturdays.
The "I know stuff, and I'll figure things along the way" guys stayed with Word. And in their part time, developed Powerpoit.
Excel guys were so great, they also developed the WordArt and later the SmartArt for Word and Powerpoint!
Thats why we still have that awefull blue and red-wine colours as default...2
Maybe you guys could help me...
My father just sent me a .xlsxm file (excel + macro file), it's all about horse races and stuff a 60+ years old dude would do :D
The file is pretty neat, but some minors changes needs to be done, but I have no clue where the code is. I found the "macro" part but it's empty, and I'm not surprised since the file itself seems to be generated from C# (Maybe not, I'm not the expert)
Sooo... Can anyone tell me how do I get to this code?8
Considering applying to a regular administrative job, where I can use just 1% of my dev skills in BAT files, Excel macros, browser automation with Selenium, and people will be like "oh man, you are like a hacker!!!"1
I am not even at our office yet the PM already sent us multiple emails asking us to do trivial stuff like update excel sheets, file reports, etc... WTF!? Can't you fucking wait till I get to work!?1
I have spent 5 days in Microsoft Excel trying to do my budget planner. I struggled a lot and too much Googling. Google started to show reCaptcha whenever I search for something after that.
Yesterday, I spent 3 hours and got my fully functionality web based budget planner done.
I don't know if I did the right thing or not but am really happy and I have the full control.
"F*ck Microsoft!" **posts online using Windows**
Well thanks to them, I was able to finish my f*cking project in college using Microsoft Office.8
I was asked to make a system in visual basic which, from a database, could output a ridiculously complex summary page, and dynamically created pages for each record in excel. The system was originally completely self contained using tables, but it "wasn't presentable enough".
Lessons learned: Excel in VB is a pain in the backside. Avoid if at all possible.
1 week and too many lines of code and cups of tea later, I became the "excel guy"
Also, another one is when I was asked to use unhashed, unencrypted passwords and store them just as they were for the company's main management system. The password were also appalling. No surprise there.
So there you have it. Bad practices and tricky excel.2
Our company hired a "Human resource consulting" to help with our internal processes and policies. Yesterday they showed us an Excel that we should fill when we travel to attend meetings, events, courses, etc.
This spreadsheet... OH, THIS SPREADSHEET... you should've seen that.
Most of the "labels" of the "fields" were writen with terms that we do not use in our daily basis. The fields were ambiguous. You shout put a number on the Transportation quantity (ex.: 5) but have no space to describe which transport you will use (bus, metro, uber... so... 5 what?). When we asked which name shoud go on the field "superior" (director, pm, scrum master...) the woman from this consulting said "oh, I don't believe you're asking about this" (and since then, she became more rude by the end of the meeting).
We care for quality in our apps, and UI/UX is a big thing in our company. The last thing we want is need to read a f*#1n manual to fill a spreadsheet. Make it intuitive and you will not need an hour and a half to explain how to fill this obsolete form.
It's sad to think that this person was hired to improve our company, but did not bother to understand the company's culture (and values, and terms) first.
Nobody wants to maintain XSLT mappings. Being a developer, even I don't want to. So what do we do? We parse the XSLT using JAVA code in a horrible attempt create an excel with mappings. God damn it!!1
Stupid useless humanities courses, because, really, who cares about humans? Besides that, silly Excel questions at work, my boss talking of his non-work projects and devrant (because it is not a #wk51 rant without saying it)
Ahhh i don't even want to remember... Dynamic text interpreter that will translate a PDF+excel to a dynamic data structure that will accommodate any changes... Where is my gun again?!
Word/Excel = piece of shit!! 😡 Pissing me off every fucking time I am trying to do something. I am wasting more time to set up the fucking alignments and fonts and etc, rather than actually do work.5
please tell me who had the great idea that someone should put screen shots of a web page in a excel sheet to include as their "bug" report. I cant fathom that someone once thought this idea was "good"1
I was very confused today when I used openxml sdk to create an excel workbook and excel didn't bark at me the first time I opened it about repairing the file.
So. I'm a hobby pythonist. I like it a lot, so when a problem occured at my workplace I offered to my boss that I could write something. I don't know what happened, but at the end we agreed that the best way would be to use excel and write the engine in VBA. So, I spend two and a half days to learn the basics and start to write some code to show him a demo version of my idea. At the end of the last day I gave it up. IT HURTS!!!!!! After python it'so dumb and the syntax is so painful... Finally in the last half day I wrote the whole piece of @&*^ in python. I hope it'll be good enough. I don't want to use VBA again. I'm a cnc operator/programmer and I don't have enough time to learn it. It's bad?3
You can't even share an Excel sheet properly but you want me to believe you're qualified to be the build manager...this should go real well
I have to do a thing with Excel files, and I want to keep busy, so I think I'll learn F# and use .NET in that8
39 hours. Finished building an Excel tool to help me convert rows of data into Magento custom products in seconds instead of minutes. Then I used said tool on a huge load of data and worked my ass off to get it done by some deadline. I honestly forgot what for.
Dude at work floats the idea of creating separate Github accounts for personal and work for security. My response:
While we're discussing options, we should also consider maintaining a list of users as a CSV^H^H^H MS Excel file, and install an authentication server that runs off the laptop of an "IT Administrator". That way it'll be super secure because hackers cannot access any system outside of working hours, as well as the days that said admin is off from work.3
FREAKING STUPID **** EXCEL
Goddammit, spend hours and hours debugging a csv file generation... It always missed a zero.... Guess what: Excel deletes fucking shit leading zeros -_-4
Oh you dumbass I can't "just save the data and we plan later" ! I have to plan firs IN ORDER TO SAVE THE FUCKING DATA SOMEWHERE!!! THIS IS NOT FUCKING EXCEL! EVEN EXCEL WAS FUCKING PLANNED !
Argh!!!! I'm too dumb to compare two spreadsheets. I want to know which of the 2000 employees left or joined the company since last year. But the employee spreadsheet db export is not in the same order as the last years. Is there any bash shell magic or something else than excel that could help me?17
My IT department apparently need to "go and research" how to associate .xml files to Excel instead of Acrobat Reader.2
everybody nags about php inconsistencies, but have you tried excel vba scripting and adressing a1 vs r1c1 notation regarding ranges and names? pure horror.2
Worst: having to deal with excel data import in C# in a server environment without drivers for working with excel files 🤐7
"It was a slow day at work and another intern suggested finding a way to send messages discretely between our computers on the local network.
To accomplish this I chose any true programmer’s favorite tools: excel sheets and VBA."
Back to Excel for control project, sih 😢, just because my non tech boss can't work with JIRA and it confused him. Do you guys know any idiot friendly control project before I having a heart attack?2
I know how to code. I am good at coding, algorithms, datastructures. I have also been using linux since 4 years.
But still I am not a programmer. I work on excel in office.1
Numbers (from mac) sucks big fucking time!
Its like assuming your retarded, I cant save a file .whatever without it trying to insert the fucking numbers extension...
While buying excel what do you recommend?1
I opened up my CSV and changed values in one column... You fucking didn't need to take it in yourself to change all of my dates in another column to one you prefer, they were fucking fine!
If I ever got a job and they mainly make me use Excel for whatever reason I’m just writing a python script to do whatever they’re asking me to do then just do whatever the rest of the day.6
"object doesnt support this property or method"
THANKS EXCEL VBA!
Who wants information about the line, the object name, type, or any other useful information? Yeah sure, i will track that object by placing Debug.Print till i find the line that causes this.
(its a bit my own fault, i found out how to solve the problem (or thought so) and wrote like the entire code without testing it inbetween)4
unexperienced me just wanted to mess around with vba updating a docvariable in word, now i am fiddling around how to export several values to an external excel-sheet.
that escalated quickly
That moment when you open up a huge Excel and immediately see that column that is one pixel higher than the others. 🧐1
Well here I go my first rant.
A little bit of background:
So I started working my first job a little over a month ago. found devrant about a week in. I was lucky that at a very young age I found programming and liked it (about 6 or 7). I went to college just to get a degree (bachelors of game development).
The job that was a "Great" opportunity that would be bad to let slip by (not a game dev job sadly). Well during the interview they asked me simple thing like what programming languages I know and some simple stuff like that, they never did ask me to demonstrate my knowledge though. Then they went to the weirder questions.
Do you know SQL? yeah at a very base level.
Do you know Excel? I mean I used is a bit, but not very much.
A few of the questions felt a little out of place for the field, But it was the only "programming job" that would hire an experienced junior developer, so I took it. Guess I should have asked more questions.
Now I'm here at a job to help replace someone who is retiring. He wasn't a programmer really, but he wrote some code out of necessity well his platform of choice was VBA in Excel. Oh, and that's not the best part, he also dealt with mistakes that happen in the lab (electronics shit). So when ever there is a fuck up I have to go figure out how to search a poorly designed database (that is constantly changing), and today is the day he leaves, so no more help after today. My biggest fear currently is that I wont be able to fill a request that someone makes and I'll be the reason the company is losing money. And with all the stress/burn out that's building up I haven't been working on personal projects, which being my main source of entertainment might be making me depressed. Even when I do work up the effort to work on my projects I don't get very much entertainment. (If anyone has a suggestion for this that would be helpful.)
TIL: Even if the job is a great opportunity don't stop searching and ask a lot of questions.2
Developed a microsite for a temporary campaign. Involves generating 1.5million promo codes on excel. Done... good luck importing it to mysql. Campaign launch is tonight while importing cant be successful unless importing 10K at a time -_-4
> Can you help me make this excel document more readable when it's printed? *looking to change the text size and column widths*
Who do you think I am, Mr fucking clippy? Why are you printing it anyway? Step into the millennium and email it to them you fucking nugget, save the planet.
This was after three people already approached my desk in a line, five minutes after I got in. All asking stupid questions, which not only do they have a service desk for but could quite easily Google.
*looking over an Excel sheet*
Me: now there are 2 rows that represent the same data, with the same description
Them: I'll just 0 out the one, and we'll ignore it.
Me: I'm never letting you near any of my databases.
i am becoming our companies excel advanced expert. actually i am just better at internet searching than the rest of us. creating fully automated sheets makes me wonder what all of the office stuff learned during their appreticeship and how they can avoid using office properly while entering everything manually.
Just had my first experience of using python to organise and manipulate excel data for a colleague. I figured everyone was lying when so many people said that's how they realised programming could help.
It took me a little while to get it working but sanitised, formatted and organised thousands of phone numbers.
Felt fucking great.2
I just spent 6 hours searching for the reason my code ONLY works when stepping through the breakpoints. Turns out I just had to add a single line of code to my procedure (chartObject.Activate) to make it work. I'd be lost without those 3 year old posts on some shady Excel VBA forums.
Thanks for documenting that, Microsoft!
Inconsistent, legacy access databases might just be a tad worse than excel sheets.
Not sure if to end myself or the author...1
Wrote some macros for Excel to make my job easier and decided I'd rather only do that part of my job, so I went back to school to learn to code for reals
My professor is currently promoting excel spreadsheets with add-ons as a front end for business intelligence.2
Today a colleague received a weird Excel message, it reads:
Unfortunately a problem has occurred. Restart Excel, in case the problem persists.
The action buttons are awesome!
Send frowns / Close :D
It'd be interesting to see what kind of frowns are being sent there... :D6
Anyone knows a quick easy way to write a cli that ask me questions and puts those answers in an excel sheet automatically? Should I write it with c# or python and which libraries?11
My hard drive died last night.
Sounds like an excuse to try Linux again as my main computer (stopped in the past due to needs for excel and "league of legends".
Anyone else here use excel frequently and have been happy with a Linux alternative ?12
"Microsoft Excel interprets a blank cell as zero, and not as empty or blank."
blank != blank
Outlook warms me when opening excel attachments that it might contain viruses (PROTECTED VIEW).Ooooh fancy....
Only problem is that it's in Sent Items and if it had a virus I'm already f...ed2
I spent two hours trying to figure out why VBA was giving me the correct values when I used debug.print, but not when I got the returned from the function.
I MISSPENT THE GOOD DAMN FUNCTION IN THE RETURN AND VBA DOESN'T SHOW OR AS A BUG OR GOOD DAMN ANYTHING....
I hate this thing so much.
On the bright side the office thinks I'm some sort of magical tech-deity.5
Here I am, learning how to Excel to help my father in law with some problem he is facing at work. It feels so weird!1
Today I learned that in our team, where we usually process data for runtime usage through batch scripts, which is the dumbest shit anyone can think of, someone decided to do data processing through VBA inside an excel file.
So that proves, regardless of how bad a solution is, an even more stupid solution is still possible.
At least it's not documented, so my hope is no one will see and copy it.
Class title: Excel as DB
It was about filters and sorting.
The closest thing to a db was that I found an INDEX function while I was bored...
Haaa3 client has Excel 20102
I just took it, self scored in Excel, got a 42.
Seems about right to me and I guess all of us here would score around this... but interested if any got 72/72 or a negative.
I spent 3 hours without find the bug on my code. I just found, I installed the library but not the plugin
Django + Django excel + pyexcel_xls
Fuck python Excel libraries. Had to write a spreadsheet formatting/filtering script to automate content generation. Definition of too much work. On the plus side just auto formatted 5000 spreadsheets in seconds.3
Excel is a powerful and extremely versatile application, but one thing that really SUCKS about it, is that formulas are language-specific! So if using Outlook in - for example - Swedish you can't write "IF(<expression>,<then>,<else>)" but instead "OM(<expression>;<then>;<else>)". Note the semi-colon instead of comma (because in Swedish comma is used as decimal). AAARGGH! This pisses me off!2
Laravel Excel is shit and has shit documentation as well. PHPExcel may not be as pretty as a bunch of callbacks but it's more efficient and actually gets the job done.6
Tutorial for a great Excel export function for your Webapp:
2. Use that Control and fill in every Request Data into it
3. Hide the entire Table except the Export Button
There is a special place in hell for people who use 1904 date mode in Excel.
What the fucking fuck4
When you're running a project for a company and they won't allow you to use access or create an executable programme so you have to create an excel spreadsheet to automate analytics with data that is erroneous anyway.
Am I the only one thinking that maatwebsite/laravel-excel package is poorly documented?
Trying to make it work for excel file reading I have to do. 4 attempts (every attempt by 6h) - shit's not working like intended. Poor examples, code itself - just..not connecting dem dots, m9.
Just had to let it out from my system.3
Recruiter emails and texts about client looking for someone doing the exact same job I am already doing but with emphasis on Excel skills.
I reply and provide a tailored CV and some relevant comments in the reply email. I’m expert with Excel and I am already doing everything they are looking for.
Don’t get selected for interview.
Teammate used some excel sheet concoction/gimmick to execute hundreds of thousands insert statements on production tables. A few days later (when I'm on call), I find out he didn't adjust the cell formatting on the aforementioned excel "tool", so all the network addresses from the insert statements were put in scientific notation, on prod...thus breaking a lot of the things. FML
I started a new job in engineering at CenturyLink a few weeks ago - before this I was doing IT for dental offices in the greater Seattle area. Anyway, I wanted a registry tweak to make Excel open files in separate windows, instead of putting them in one. Today I was told by our IT that you need 16GB of RAM to open multiple Excel spreadsheets in separate windows. Suffice to say I told him he was insane and ended the chat.
And yes, I know there are ways to do it anyway, like opening new instances of Excel and then opening the file inside of Excel, but that's unnecessary clicks, dammit.
Who else uses Excel to analyze and make charts using normalized log data? (writes apps to parse and normalize them)
Or is there a better way to inspect server logs?6
Needed to write excel macros to make my job easier. Somehow I went from that to web programming, and I haven't stopped since.
I've reached the point where I write my Google sheets functions in the same IDE as my other programming, because it handles errors better...2
I had this teacher who was teaching us how to use java and .NET to parse XML data to an excel sheet. Let's say every week i was spending at least 2 hours finding bugs in the excel formatting and telling it to the teacher.
This happened for few weeks and when the project ended I could see how tired of he was.
To this day me and my colleague still rant about that
When Client insists on making Excel what it is not... Implementing a management dashboard in Excel which source are at least 7 other workbook, that correlate...
Not even VBA is easing things here...
At school, learning how to sum, divide and round in excel, instead of coding. (I'm an it pro. converting to dev.) FML5
The analytics guy just sent me updated tracking specs for a web site.
There are two sheets in the file: "Custom Events LATEST" and "Custom Events updated". This is already confusing enough.
One of them has comments like "I'd like this to be amended", but the event specs described are the same as the ones implemented.
I asked him for clarification, turns out he wants the ones marked in black to be updated, the ones that don't have any label saying they don't need to be updated.
This is also a guy who for at least 2 years has been making columns in spreadsheets wider not by just widening them, or merging multiple cells, but by just letting text overflow into other cells.
I do wonder how some people manage to keep a job.
That moment when your boss doesn't allow you to use SQL but complains about how slow are your macros on VB Excel
I am currently creating a module where I have to put data in xls sheet from a given data, which contains date column,.
I have generated the sheet and the respective date column also has the format of Date which is default of Microsoft Excel.
But the big question noew arises that I am not able to sort the data according to the date column, the sorting is not working correctly.
If anyone has ever worked on this please tell!!3
I'm writing a Python script to manipulate Excel files, I'm using the openpyxl module, does anybody know how can I check if a user input is in a column, I've done this:
newItem = input("What is the new item?")
for itemChecker in inventory["A"]:
>>>>if itemChecker == newItem:
>>>>>>>>item_on = True
>>>>if itemChecker != itemNuevo:
>>>>>>>>item_on = False
if the user input (newItem) is in the "A" column of the variable assigned to an Excel file called "inventory", the variable "item_on" is set equal to True, if the user input isn't in the "A" column, "item_on" is set equal to False
what am I doing wrong, I'm not getting any errors but it always says that the user input isn't at the "A" column (sets "item_on" equal to False) even when I know it is2
How do you use to keep trace/state of a project at work? Teamgantt? Asana? Pipefy? Slack with integrations?4
You know, I like complaining about other people. But, in reality, I'm really annoying. I'm that kinda guy that names every Excel spreadsheet, "data". Do you guys ever realise that you're more annoying than you let on?
FFS EXCEL WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO BUGGY TODAY? WHAT DID I DO TO PISS YOU OFF?
constant plugin crashes
for some fucking reason the graphs wont re-paint unless i move them around AS IN NOTHING SHOWS UP WHILE TYPING UNLESS I PRESS ENTER, MINIMIZE EXCEL AND OPEN IT AGAIN
+So... Here is our program that you can do many things such as... (3628463 features)
-Nice can you export data to excel
Why does BigDecimal have to be so annoying to work with! Trying to trace my brackets from an excel sum over to Java... Got the sum working now greeted with dodgy rounding! Doh!
The boss says: "Spreadsheet structure must be the same of this other app".
There is no documentation of the other software so:
• try some different input parameters;
• compare the spreadsheets;
• find a possible (and temporary) solution.
I do not like Excel.
Excel array formulas have been my saviour yet again, but whoever designed their implementation is a complete idiot.
Being called into a simple change only to find out it is related to an excel file, with vba, thousands of lines of it, and database connections...1
Fuck this fucking shit! How on Earth should I read and modify this fuckin only 1MB excel with this shitty phpexcel why I can not improve the speed with these formulas?!2
I'm a starting programmer. So when my supervisor asks me to write a report and test against 50 coordinates written in little endian hex form in excel, I got lazy and wrote a code that gives me all the coordinates in decimal to be input into my excel program.
Anyone know an easier method tho?
Friend asked me to help him with his excel file, as I know a bunch of that, it was just a small and quick thing he said, I just can't get this function to work...
Now I've rewritten all of that excel files functions and, without error handling and anomaly processing every function is an average of 500 chars. Times 500 unique functions...
QUICK AND EASY YOU SAID
Hi... I am here again. Long time without phone... am learning java but a cousin want a register, and I am doing on excel with vba. What you say?
Forced to write UT on excel shiit for confirming test cases are covering units properly, but the reviewer even don't want to read test code!! it makes incredibly unmaintainable documents
My company relies on Excel waaaaay to much. Everything is done with Excel and VBA (it's not dev company) so I'm "forced" to develop complex system that requires database and serious coding. Worst part, they probably won't pay me anything :/
Does somebody know Cognos TM1 from IBM and TM1 perspective...
Designing front ends with excel???unbelievable awful!!
Dear internship,Why you do this to me?????
Luckily my new real frontend developer internship starts in June 👍
Excel 2013 apparently has some buggy behaviour with AGGREGATE(), array formulas and data filtering.
Found out the hard way yesterday.
Teacher: New idea. Let's use excel for a better management with oop.
*you give a hard think* Alright I can see how this would work
*ten minutes into it* WHO IS HE? THE DEVIL?