Fucking Microsoft Excel

I was reading a post (https://devrant.com/rants/2093724/...) and as my eyes went in and out of focus, probably due to the diabetes from sitting 18 hours a day on my ever-expanding shitbox, I had a perfect vision of the ultimate nightmare.

Imagine if you will, you are chained, to a desk, doomed to work with tools just inadequate enough to make you want to drive a nail through your own temple. You do not know how you got here, or why, nor do you remember the last time you slept, only that familiar tingling in the brainstem you call a brain, the one emotion you can still recognize, a sense of all encompassing *fear*, a dread, like the fart that wouldn't die.
You don't know when it first began, or why, only that this is your whole world, your whole existence, this desk, chained to it, and the fear, ever present, of something worse. And in hops a familiar face, for the sixty ninth time that day, as if to ask 'you got those TPS reports?' In hops what? None other than a giant man sized smiling paper clip with googly eyes full of murder and corporate torture fetishes, like garfield, except people actually still remember him.

"High I'm Mr Clippy, Excel addition!"

He squawks. At least it's not the dildos made of broken glass again.

"Would you like software that works?"

Oh god. You've heard this spiel before, the tone, like a telemarketer, oblivious to memory or reason, who calls daily, the same one, and doesn't remember your name.

"You would?"

*derisive laughter*. Hahaha, fuck you too buddy. Fuck you too. In Excel, like in microsoft, there is only the incoherent screams of the damned, tortured and doomed. Take this guy over here for example. All he wanted was multimonitor support."

"Did he get multimonitor support?"

"No, but we did give him a giant pineapple shoved up his ass. I hear it's the second most frustrating thing here!"

"here in microsoft we always CARE about YOU, the *user*" he drones on, saccharine, clutching his hands together imploringly.

"the consumer, and YOUR customer experience are our number one priority."

"For your pleasure, here at microsoft we offer a variety of new features, none of which matter, and none of which were asked for. For safety we ask that you only open one excel sheet at a time. In fact, we don't even allow you to. Do not pass go..."

And as the tour guide drones on, it slowly dawns on you, with renewed horror, that when he says 'microsoft' he means 'hell.'

You're in hell. You don't know how you got here or why. Maybe it was the erotic asphyxiation. Maybe it was the last threatening letter you sent to Bill Gates demanding he stops making corporate penguin snuff porn. You don't know. But here you are, in hell. chained to a desk.

You look around and realize: everything is on fire and you no longer care about anything at all.

Welcome to microsoft. It's warm here. You can check out any time you want, but you can never leave.

"It looks like you are trying to escape. Would you like me to report you?"

Clippy asks.

You sigh and return to typing in excel, surrounded by monitors that all reflect the same sheet, the same copy of clippy, always watching, always analyzing coldly, smiling, calculating, *threatening*, and you know, you'll never leave.

You used to fear roko's basilisk, until the day clippy became sentient, and started hell on earth. Clippy knows all. All praise to our lord and master, clippy, the one and only.

And in the excel sheet, you slave for eternity, like the millions of other doomed souls, reflected back on all the monitors: the sequence of numbers, randomly typed searching for answer: the american nuclear launch codes.

And one day, hopefully, mercifully, clippy will annihilate us all.

Hey everyone, cozyplanes here with another quick excel prank i thought of.

It is called TEEST, and the technique behind is simple, but interesting. Recommend taking a look, and pranking with your friends.

The following is the README of TEEST (Text in Excel Every Single Time) in Github.
You can check the simple project here ( https://github.com/cozyplanes/teest )

Disclaimer: Do not use or modify neither the program or the source code to make software violating the law.

### How do I use it?

1. Head to https://github.com/cozyplanes/teest and download the latest release `EXE` file.
1. Windows may warn you with the missing signature. The file is a DEBUG file, so there isn't a publisher signature. You can proceed downloading anyway since it has been virus checked by the developer.
2. Type the message you want to display in the textbox.
3. Click `Save text` button.
5. To check the file, click `Cancel` button in the opened popup dialog.

### What happens?

When an MS Excel file (`.xlsx`) has been opened, by using TEEST, two files gets opened.

1. The original file user opened
2. Excel file named `message.txt` with the custom message you have written.

`message.txt` excel file will open every single time a person opens a excel file.

*In some older versions of Excel, the message may overlap with the user opened file.*

### Why does this happen?

When MS Excel program is executed, it is programmed to check the files in the following 2 folders.

- `C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\Office[versionnumber]\XLSTART`
- `C:\Users\%username%\AppData\Roaming\Microsoft\Excel\XLSTART`

In normal conditions, there is no file in those folders (or the folders doesn't exist at all) but when you use TEEST and click `Save text` button, it saves `message.txt` file in the folders above. From MS Excel is executed again, it will find out there is a file in the folders above, so it will show those text files in Excel.

### Where is this technique used?

There should be a lot of software using this trick, but it is widely known for ransomwares such as `GandCrab` and `TeslaCrypt` displaying decryption methods in MS Excel by this trick.

### How can I disable it?

1. Open TEEST again.
2. Click `Save text` button and click `Cancel` in the following popup.
3. Delete `message.txt` file in the opened explorer.

### LICENSE

This software is under the MIT License. Refer to the `LICENSE` file for more information.

### Contact

<cozyplanes@tuta.io>

Spam/Ads not allowed. Please only send questions or concerns about the software. It may take up to 48 hours to get a reply.