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If Doctors Were Like Coders
(cross-posted from https://medium.com/@c09b6133a238/...)
Problem: The patient has a broken leg.
Solution:
1. Ask the patient to reproduce the exact scenario that resulted in the broken leg. Watch closely to see if the leg breaks again. Check for consistency by repeating the scenario a few more times.
2. Explain that this isn’t an intended use case for the leg, and besides, it only affects one person. Ask the patient if, all things considered, he really wants to prioritize his broken leg over your other work.
3. Point out that the patient’s other leg performs just fine under the same circumstances. Ask if he can use his other leg instead, at least as a workaround.
4. Attach several accelerometers to the broken leg and break it again. Stare at the data received from the accelerometers, then shrug and declare it useless.
5. Decide that the patient’s problem must be in his spleen. After all, that’s the only part of his body you don’t really understand.
6. Track down the people who created the patient. Ask them if he’s ever had spleen problems before. When they seem confused, explain that he has a broken leg. Ignore them when they tell you that the spleen they created could not possibly cause a broken leg.
7. Ask Google where a person’s spleen is. Spend half an hour reading the Wikipedia article on Splenomegaly.
8. Open the patient and grumble about how tightly-coupled his spleen and circulatory system are. Examine the spleen’s outer surface to see if there are any obvious problems. Inform him that several of his organs are very old and he should consider replacing them with something more modern.
9. Compare the spleen to some pictures of spleens online. If anything looks different, try to make it look the same.
10. Remove the spleen completely. See if the patient’s leg is still broken. If so, put the spleen back in.
11. Tell the patient that you’ve noticed his body is made almost entirely out of cellular tissue, whereas most bodies these days are made out of cardboard. Explain that cardboard is a lot easier for beginners to understand, it’s more forgiving of newbie mistakes, and it’s the tissue franca of the Internet. Ask if he’d like you to rebuild his body with cardboard. It will take you longer, but then his body would be future-proof and dead simple. He could probably even fix it himself the next time it breaks.
12. Spend some time exploring the lymph nodes in the patient’s abdominal cavity. Accidentally discover that if the patient’s leg is held immobile for six weeks, it gets better.
13. Charge the patient for six weeks of work.14 -
I call my git repos the field hospital.
I didn't finish my studies, but I seem to be the most qualified person to pick up the scalpel. Big corner of body bags. New brilliant ideas arrive, I do what I can with the time I have. Sometimes something survives, but it's usually too heavily mutilated to fully function. Unfinished refactorings develop into hardened scar tissue, the feature creep starts festering and leaking.
I should get better at triaging, just deleting old crap, pick one project and nurse it back to health.
But it's not easy to start with fresh focus, when your keyboard is still soaked in booze and the blood and tears of all the victims you've butchered.3 -
So I'm sick. But my inner coder tells me that I could atleast do some basic design for my project.
So I go to sit down at my home computer and immediately feel my nose literally start dripping of snot as soon as I lean in to sit. So lile any normal man i take a tissue, wipe and blow my nose and it's now time to login on the computer.
*Wrong password*
Oh, I've must been to quick
*Try again*
*Wrong password*
Wtf?!
*Slowly type my password in*
*Wrong password*
*Fuck it, show password*
A space is missing.
Alright I'll just add it in then.
*Tap spacebar*
*Nothing*
*Tap harder*
*Nothing*
So I rip out the space bar and find a two little drops of snot that must have juuuust fallen between the cracks.
I tried to wipe it away and put the space bar back, but it's dead. :(5 -
My trusty old Nexus 5 had a broken microphone for a long time (only worked on speaker phone) and a couple of weeks ago the display died as well. Yesterday, I decided that I can't afford a new one so I took it apart. After a while I had successfully repaired both the microphone and display with small pieces of tissue paper. I guess anything is possible when you're a stubborn problem solver!9
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Dev starter pack:
1) A big ass headphone to listen to music
2) A nice mechanical keyboard to write “hello world”
3) Some cool stickers to fill laptop back
4) A box of tissue to wipe of the tears(after seeing your progress)30 -
Just read a comment on rant that stated "You’d be surprised as how disgusting people are especially in the work setting.". In regard to bathrooms. This reads true, for my current place of work
I was about to reply to that, but I thought this is worthy of a rant of its own. Allow me to quote some emails...
"We have had reports of excrement being left on toilet seats, which surely could be seen by the person responsible before they left the cubicle. "
"very poor toilet hygiene in some the ladies toilets.
Firstly, someone person should I say.... has used a toilet brush to clear a blockage in the Ladies loo nearest [removed]. They obviously couldn't unblock the toilet due to the density of the blockage and therefore.. returned the brush to it's holder full of the blockage!! "
"The phantom "snot" wiper is back and is using the back of the toilet door nearest the [removed] as a tissue! Again.. the poor Cleaner has had to clean this up... "
"Toilet paper being put in the Urinal blocking the system in [removed] and faeces being left on the toilet floor in [removed]. This goes without saying that this can't go on and it's not the cleaners job to be cleaning such messes! "
Its ever worse in our other office that contains a call centre. A lady was fired for leaving shit in the stairwells on multiple instances. She had been fired from her last role for the same thing.
There were also reports of subway subs been left in the toilet bowl.
You also find the most curious items in the waste bins (they have no lid, we're not search through them - just to make that clear) everything from half eaten sandwiches to watermelon.15 -
This day I have received the most glorious news in e-pistolary form. For some years, I was suffering in support of a client who was, well, insufferable. My presence there paralleled the divine comedy in both essence and fact.
I opened the missive, expecting another plea to bail them out of whatever clusterfuck they found themselves in. Instead, what I found was something truly magical.
"Hey Human,
I hope this finds you well. I'm not sure if you remember a few years back, we were trying to decide between IBM Cloud and AWS. Well, after years of battling FF*, we're finally moving ahead with AWS. He failed one too many times to deliver anything visibly. After you left, there was no one left he could use to steal credit, ideas, and work.
FF is still pushing to have them use IBM cloud as a "warm backup" in the event "AWS fails." We will see where that goes.
I figured you'd like to know; you were the void in the wilderness for a long time. I don't want to think about how much time we could have saved if we had just listened.
PeeEm**"
This event represents a personal victory, albeit belated, over a few peoples' absurd amount of privilege. Towards the end, I was vicious about my contestation to the insanity of adopting a desperate hedge attempt-as-cloud offering from a failing company. Some examples:
// cloud 'strategy meeting'
Moi: What cloud platform are we looking at using?
FF: We're looking at IBM cloud and AWS as a second.
Moi: Why is that? I understand you're obligated to rep your offering first, but that decision doesn't seem to have the customer's best interest at heart.
FF: IBM cloud is a market leader; AWS isn't as good.
Moi: I see. I mean, that's the tech equivalent of the company's fleet management considering monkeys on tricycles as a strong competitor to service trucks, but I get what you mean.
// steering meeting
Director: Who can we look to as an example? Who is currently using the IBM cloud?
Moi: No one; they account for a single-digit portion of the actual cloud market. Their long game to sell you a "Hybrid Cloud," which means put some front end payload in a CDN, and buy n-frame units of IBM z servers for the DC with IBM gateway appliances acting as connective tissue. So it's not the cloud at all, really.
Director: How does it compare in cost?
Moi: It's generally 40% more expensive than other clouds, and it only goes higher as you option their software.
Director: What about Watson? I hear Watson is good?
Moi: It's a brand name. Most of the "Watson" product is just a facade on top of FOSS products like Spark, Hadoop, Elasticsearch, etc.
Director: Those were words. They sounded good. FF say it's good tho so we'll believe him because we're from the same city.
Moi: *deletes Director from LinkedIn*
Moral of the story: Never trust a vendor that only recommends their products.
*FF = FatFuck - an embarrassingly rotund individual whose girth is roughly equivalent to his height. He shit his way into an IBM architect position in his mid-20s purely due to winning the visa lottery. He had fake hair glued to his head for his wedding to hide his male pattern baldness; his arrange-married wife undoubtedly cries herself to sleep after sex.
**PeeEm - the then project manager, now portfolio manager of some satellite projects. An overall decent human being, capable.9 -
Company's HR team has launched a eco drive. As part of the initiative they're asking everyone to use only one tissue paper (among other things) to save trees.
.
.
So they've printed that message on thick glossy papers and pasted them, at least four per washroom among other places.
Okay, I guess.8 -
scar tissue riff by red hot chili peppers now helped me get laid twice. first was in high school, second was yesterday. it works like a fast track first class level skip access to that pussy
going without it takes days
with it takes minutes6 -
A colleague currently has a cold and takes a deep, wet sniff every 10 seconds or so rather than just blowing his fucking nose - he even (politely) refused a tissue I offered him WTF?!
All concentration is lost when you're perpetually awaiting the next sniff.4 -
I just spent… a significant amount of time touching my face feeling the bone tissue within. Now I have the perfect depiction of my skull, and when I open my mouth, I can see the picture of my skull doing so. To me, a skull has its own, separate face. Quite disturbing, not gonna lie.
Remember: right now, inside you, there is a skeleton.8 -
Desk inventory(not counting computer hardware):
-Three interlocking polished high density particle board squares, cut by an industrial-grade 3d printer at the office of an architect friend. I use them as coasters.
-A roll of toilet paper, as I have a deviated septum and blow my nose so often that proper facial tissue would be wasteful.
-A landline phone, for work. I'm thinking about getting rid of it though, as I can do the majority of my work phone calls through Google Hangouts and our company's webrtc client, and because it costs me about $7 a month for the service, through ooma.
What's on your desk? No computer hardware, please. Also, please try to use your words, because it's a lot of fun to imagine the layout rather than see it.6 -
Today, my macbook pro 2020 get spilled with my ice coke, i am just looking at the laptop, take some tissue to clean it, and waiting for my mac is getting up again. Feel so sad and very fcking stupid 😭5
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