Soon I am going to de-google my phone. As much as I can that is.

This is what I am going to use:
- microG instead of Google Services (read more about it here: https://microg.org/)

- F-Droid for FOSS apps and Yalp Store for downloading Play Store apks

- LineageOS as my ROM

- Signal for messaging and Silence for SMS messaging (even though I rarely send SMS)

- NewPipe for watching YouTube videos

-Tutanota as my email service

- Firefox with a bunch of add-ons (uBlock, uMatrix, Cookie Autodelete, privacy badger etc...)

- duckduckgo as my search engine

- And if I could afford a VPN I would go for MullVad

If there's something more you would like to suggest feel free to do so.

Dear Samsung phones... And LG phones... Well, to that matter - iPhones as well...

YOU. DIE. NOW!

All of you and that disgusting, abominable, repugnant shit you call a platform.

Go to the freaking hell, and then in there find another hell and go there too.

Samsung, you tell me: How come it takes me ONE fucking script and 10 minutes of my time to build a project that consists of:
3 Node.js servers
1 ASP.NET core server
Kibana
Elastic
Logstash
Postgres
Backup provider server
nginx
and this all builds into 10 docker containers.

Yes, my dear Samsung, it takes 10 minutes and after 10 minutes I'm getting - plop - one script. I'm running that script on the client's server and in 4 minutes my client is very happy with my own proprietary awesome software that does what my client needs.

And listen Samsung: There is such a thing as a Windows Domain controller. And I spend several years of my life administering those domains. And you know what? After 10 minutes of configs I can make all of my computers to change their wallpapers to display a corporate logo on the screen. Takes only 10 minutes and I don't have to touch users computers. It's doing it's shit automatically.

But now tell me my dear Samsung, how the fuck it happens that one little dweeb would come to me with one of your precious Galaxy S8s would kill 5 hours of my time?!

WHAT. THE. F?

Dweeb: Can you please help me to change my phone? I got a new model?
Me: Sure! (probably would take me like 5 sec, and I like to help people)
Dweeb: Here is my old On5, and here is my new *sigh* SGS8
Me: Ok, let's look at that...
...
Downloads Smart Switch on the PC.
Try to pull the data from On5 to the PC. Does not work - just hangs there
20 minutes later:
Find a USB adapter and try to copy the data from smartphone to smartphone. Hangs again
20 minutes later:
Export the contacts to the phone memory as vCard and recover them on the new phone - crashes the phone.
20 minutes later:
Find out that the fucking On5 did not export the contacts correctly and the file is damaged.
Spend 20 more minutes in vim to write a script that would patch up the file.
Recover the contacts on the new phone and found out that all photos of the contacts were lost.
*fuck those photos*
Ok, now let's copy the rest. Copy all the documents and other shit like that.
Spend 30 minutes on the phone with my favorite phone provider to swap the phones. (You think you could just swap a sim? No, we don't do that in here! Welcome to USA - sit on the phone with a provider for 30 minutes to swap the number between phones)

Dweeb: Oh, but where are my notes from notes app?
Me: What app? *Ugh, shit. I don't want to help anyone anymore...*
Dweeb: *upset*

And that's not it, folks! You want to install a trusted root certification authority on your device for a corporate proxy? Well, let's see:

Windows -> Download the cert, Open it, next, next, current user, trusted root certification auth... Done
Linux -> cd /etc/ssl-certificates && wget http://address.com/cert.crt && update-ca-certificates
Mac -> Keychain access -> add certificate -> full trust
Samsung -> Click on the cert, select install and say yes... AND THAN FIND OUT THAT THAT DOES NOT DO SHIT, BECAUSE YOU JUST CAN'T INSTALL THE CERT ON ANDROID>6.0 CAUSE OF THE SECURITY ISSUES. IT JUST WON'T WORK AT ALL.

So my dear user, do you want corporate Wi-Fi in the building? Go screw yourself! You got yourself a device that does not support it. And I don't care if you had paid $1500 for your gleaming S8 with the screen resolution greater than anything I've ever seen before and all that shit. You can't, just can't use the Wi-Fi cause that piece of shit does not accept my certificate.

And if you want tech support - go to Provider's store 5 blocks away and complain to the baboons in there about the fact that your notes app is not working on the new phone.

And you think you can easily deploy a corporate app to a users phones with that Samsung KNOX? NO! You could probably get 2 sleepless nights trying to figure out why the hell this app does not arrive to a thousands of phones...

And you think you can easily write an app that would do what you need? NO! You can't enforce enterprise app permissions on the phones remotely!

And you think you can just change settings on the phones remotely? NO! You would end up going to each phone and manually refresh policies.

And welcome to hell - you will find out that even those policy refreshes would not apply all the rules you want. No, you would have to unenroll the phone, uninstall the app, reboot the phone and reinstall everything and then re-enroll the phone. Fuck, it takes about 1 hour to do that. Per. Fucking. Phone.

Samsung, go lie down under the bush somewhere and die there. Apple can just follow the same route. And (although I never used them, but I don't think they are any better) Microsoft phones can go and die the same way.

In 1999 we had Nokias and no one was managing anything. And that was awesome.