Dev: Why did you suddenly start adding random whitespace to the end of all of the files in your PRs?

Manager: IT’S NOT RANDOM!

Dev: ?

Manager: That’s a way I came up with for tracking my contributions. Every time I edit a file I add a line of whitespace at the bottom so it’s clear to everyone how much and how often I’ve contributed to the team. Although I haven’t been doing it this entire time so I had to make up for this by adding more to files that I *know* I’ve touched a bunch before. Just think! Especially with how big my PRs are compared to everyone else the tally of my contributions is going to get huge!

Dev: …

Current PM in the morning: "Startup flexibility! I'm at the beach chilling in the sun! I trust you can do standup without me! #tech-detox #positive-energy"

Current PM in the afternoon: "ARE ALL THE FUCKING TASKS FUCKING DONE YET? THERE ARE ONLY 9 DAYS LEFT IN THE FUCKING SPRINT! WHY HAS NOTHING BEEN DEPLOYED YET?"

This is why I hate wireless earbuds: You don't have a wire available for strangling coworkers.

Storytime!

Manager: Hey fullstackchris, the maps widget on our app stopped working recently...

Dev: (Skeptical, little did he know) Sigh... probably didn't raise quota or something stupid... Logs on to google cloud console to check it out...

Google Dashboard: Your bill.... $5,197 (!!!!!!) Payment method declined (you think?!)

Dev: 😱 WTF!?!?!! (Calls managers) Uh, we have HUGE problem, charges for $5000+ in our google account, did you guys remove the quota limits or not see any limit reached warnings!?

Managers: Uh, we didn't even know that an API could cost money, besides, we never check that email account!

Dev: 🤦‍♂️ yeah obviously you get charged, especially when there have literally been millions of requests. Anyway, the bigger question is where or how our key got leaked. Somewhat started hammering one of the google APIs with one of our keys (Proceeds to hunt for usages of said API key in the codebase)

Dev: (sweating 😰) did I expose an API key somewhere? Man, I hope it's not my fault...

Terminal: grep results in, CMS codebase!

Dev: ah, what do we have here, app.config, seems fine.... wait, why did they expose it to a PUBLIC endpoint?!

Long story short:

The previous consulting goons put our Angular CMS JSON config on a publicly accessible endpoint.

WITH A GOOGLE MAPS API KEY.

JUST CHILLING IN PLAINTEXT.

Though I'm relieved it wasn't my fault, my faith in humanity is still somewhat diminished. 🤷‍♂️

Oh, and it's only Monday. 😎

Cheers!

Management:

"We're gonna make our own builder that sets up pre configured files.

So we are gonna get rid again of GIT, because with our system you shouldnt be working over each others files if you keep out of other peoples files."

So they basically are saying, we are going back to no version control because you should all keep to the honor system because our system is better.

I'm fucking leaving...
And possibly leaving a poison pill to boot

Fuck you, I Quit

Manager: THE SERVER IS DOWN THE SERVER IS DOWN!!!!

Dev: Ok I’ll look into it

*5 mins later

Dev: Wow these are really strange logs, it’s like config values are being changed all over the place while I’m looking at it

Manager: Well I figured while you were looking into it I’d go i to the server settings and change everything I could find in order to try and get the server back up again. Two sets of hands are better than one, Is it up yet???

Dev: …No.

Manager: I THOUGT YOU SAID YOU’D LOOK INTO THIS. I NEED ANSWERS NOW. WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?!?!?

Dev: …

so true...

When you ask for documentation and they hand you a Word document with screenshots of the changed code

I worked someplace once that fired a person for lack of quality output. Before that he sued the company over a labor dispute. After they fired him he went and founded his own business. A year later the company decided to recycle his old laptop to another developer and discovered the source code and business prospectus on it. The company took it to court and said it was actually their business because it was created on its own equipment and the time stamps confirm during business hours also. Courts agreed and they got possession of his business and then fired him again.

Work life balance. Ever heard of it?

Offering pizza to go to the office. Like we are fucking children

Company: Bobby you saved the company millions of dollars this year!!! Great job.

Me: So...how about that extra 2k per year raise.

Company: Um well it just doesn't seem to be in our budget this year.

Going reverse in time

This is so fucking relatable.
Everytime there's atleast one dumbass in the organisation who frequently does this exact thing.

devrant: tell us about your shitty co-workers
everyone:

Fuck it I’m posting it again because I got got by this…Again.

If this is how you write your APIs, take a number, get in line. I got some slapping to get out of my system.

QA: Rapidly toggling between light and dark mode causes screen to flash unpleasantly

Dev: …

1. Applied to a tech company based in Seattle
2. Interviewed
3. Got rejected because "At the moment, they do not hire international students."

Then, why did you interview me in the first place? :')

!rant

Yesterday I got my first promotion that was based on merit and not because I graduated or moved company 🍻

#feelsgoodman

A programmer's wife tells him:
"while you're at the store, get some milk".

He never comes back.

You know what, fuck microshit to fuck town and back again.

What part of disabling "allow the computer to turn of this device to save power"

DO YOU NOT FUCKIJG UNDERSTAND!

MY FUCKING USB'S ARE GOING FUCKING MENTAL SWITCHING ON AND OFF LIKE A DRUNKEN HOBO YOU COCK FUCKS.

my week is a complete and utter shit of a week as it is, I don't need this bullshit on top of it too.

#Microsoft, fix your fucking shit already!

Imagine a person in 2020 meeting a time traveller from 2030.
— man, this pandemic sucks
— yeah, it's just the first year though
— the first what?
— yeah, pandemic didn't even end until the war
— until the WHAT?

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!

I built our slack bot messages so that they are prefixed in BIG LETTERS with whatever system they originate from, i.e.:

"DEVELOP: You are a useless product manager"
"STAGING: You are a useless product manager"
"PRODUCTION: You are a useless product manager"

One of these is when a payment is made on our platform. Our lovely product manager proceeds to message me, "did you just trigger a payment in the test system?".

YES, OBVIOUSLY I DID SEEING AS THE MESSAGE HAS THE GIANT WORD "STAGING" IN FRONT OF IT!!!

https://lmgtfy.app/?q=how+to+read

✨cryptocurrencies✨

Start working on ticket
Looks at code
WTF is the shit?
Open devRant to rant
1.5 hours later
what was I doing?

Working overtime

So getting fired if they find my account.

The Manager kept masturbating over "low hanging fruit".

The apples on the bottom of The Product have all been picked.

The apples at the top are starting to rot.

The Manager masturbated a bit more over the low hanging fruit.

The bottom of The Product is now so slippery with Manager Cum that the brave engineers can't reach the top anymore.

Time to bring my axe to work.

Manager: Good news everyone, I made a big giant announcement this morning that the app upgrades will be released today!

Dev: They definitely won’t be, we need another 2 weeks minimum. I told you yesterday

Manager: Ok well I already made the announcement that today was the day so too bad for you.

Dev: Doesn’t change the state of things

Manager: 😡 This announcement is supposed to motivate you to work faster! You guys are making me look bad when you don’t support me like this!

Dev: Working as fast as we can, it’s a 2 person dev team for 4 separate applications so it’s quite a bit to get pushed through

Manager: Ok well then stay extra then, we have to get this out asap. Tell your spouses they are not going to be seeing much of you until this work is done. People are starting to ask questions!!!!!

Dev: Not my problem, it’s done when its done. I’m not staying extra.

Manager: !!

// *************

Might be blowing my cover a little but what are they going to do? Fire me? Good luck getting this out without me. They’ve tried to replace me in the past but the cheapest person they could find was 60k more expensive than me and still couldn’t keep up. Probably they’ll ship the work overseas and the code will die in a dumpster fire and cost them even more. Ah well, just another company that doesn’t deserve code.