I was graced by my boss to attend a training for key users of a CRM system we resell, as a technical advisor.

The training is scheduled from 0915 - 1700
Can somebody come and kill me please?

Fuck you, micromanagement!

The floor is java

Giving a software engineer design work is such an evil thing to do

https://toolstalls.com/

Code freeze is such an idiotic concept. What year do we have? Just make a goddamn release branch and do your codefreezy things there. Why the fuck would we stop the entire development just because you can't figure out git?

Yes former technical person who is now a business person. Please, please advise me on my job with your decaying outdated skills. Yes, google for me. I didn't know how to do that. Ah wonderful yes, you recall this being "easy" which is why you quit the field. What a nice time this is.

Modern approach to displaying dates is shit

I want to see a face of a fucker who decided that "5 YEARS AGO" has more meaning than exact date "15 Sep 2019". All apps that use that fucking retarded date representation are useless shit, worst UX ever.

Choose your gender

The best video game ever in your opinion? Mine is Half-Life 2.

Can’t beat the classics.

Ah very good, it seems Windows has taken the liberty of putting a link to Edge on my desktop again. Just in case I had accidentally removed it or something.

My keyboard? It's way more mechanical than yours.

Data scientist: we need to whitelist a pod to connect to a database
Me: Whitelist? We don't use whitelists on private databases
DS: It's the new data warehouse database
Me: is it on <X> VPC?
DS: I'm not sure what that means but its ip is <real world ipv4>
Me: Are you hosting a publicly accessible database with all our end users information?!
DS: ...
Me: There goes our SOC2 audit controls...
DS: how long until you can white list it?
Me: I won't be whitelisting it. You need to put it on a private VPC and peer with the cluster, you'll have to rebuild all the Terraform and redeploy
DS: We didn't use Terraform because it takes too long, just white list the pods IP.
Me: No. I'm contacting the CISO and CTO...

Interviewer: We keep having devs take off for other opportunities after a short period of time. We need someone loyal who will be sticking around for the long haul. Oh wait, you only have one dev company you’ve worked for on your resume? Yeah that’s not good, we only hire devs who have worked for lots and lots of companies.

Dev: …

*CTO in panic, as always, invites everyone to the war room*

CTO: We have a MAJOR problem where 0.0001% of our customers are not receiving SMS confirmations.

Me: Cool. But, 0.0001% is very less compared to the other problems we are solving.

CTO: You don't understand, this is critical issue that needs to be addressed immediately.

Me: But even those.0.0001% customers are receiving e-mail confirmations, so this is not even blocker as we have other channels working.

CTO: I am emotional at this point. You need to prioritise this now.

Me: Okay, do we know the root cause of this problem?

Engineering head: we have blacklisted those numbers in past as our system detected them abusing our platform.

Me: Cool. Let's whitelist them, nothing much to worry here.

CTO: Floyd, you need to understand that 0.0001% of the customers are not receiving the SMS and the solution you are proposing is incorrect.

Me: Okay, what do you suggest?

CTO: We stop sending the SMS to all the customers.

Everyone on the call: 😨

Over the course of a few months, I began to suspect my manager disliked me on a personal level. I decided to be proactive and invited him to a meeting on "Improving our working relationship" - he showed up 5 minutes late and fired me.

I quit and my last day is next week.

Apparently management has decided that I should spend my last day implementing a new feature for a customer where I have been the only developer, and release it to production (without first implementing it in test) the same day. A feature that potentially could cripple a whole workflow if done wrong.

Of course I advised not to release untested code to production on a friday, just before the only person that knows how it works leaves the company. But no, “the customer reaaaaaally wants it before summer, so just be careful not to write any bugs”.

I’m not saying that I’m intentionally gonna write bad code - but if I do, I’m not gonna pick up the phone when it calls.

The W3C HTML validator just told me to add a lang attribute to the <html> tag on my website. Apparently it didn't notice, that the <html> tag was missing.

IE is dead ?!

NOT SO FAST.

The whole singin in Visual 2022 uses... Internet explorer renderer and... doesn't work on a Windows Server 2022 because of... "Enchanced internet explorer security policy".

I'm dying inside.

I need to stop sacrificing readability for smaller amounts of code. What looks good to me isn’t always best for everyone and that’s a fucking tough pill to swallow.

An industry secret 🤫🤫

SUPERVISOR: You wrote this 140 lines method, it's too long. You should split it up, it's not readable
IHateForALiving: Bruh be serious, this is a single switch-case; I can't split it.
SUPERVISOR: Fine, I'll do it.

HIS CODE: He split the 140 lines method into 2 methods: the first is 4 lines long; it's a try-catch surrounding a call to the other method, 136 lines long.

Got a mail from a recruiter.... offering me a role in a company......where I'm currently working....in the said role.

Recruiter: Your skills are amazing! There's hight demand! massive shortage! the market is hot!

Me: great

Recruiter: But your rate is too high.

Me: ....

Manager: I’m so sick and tired of you devs whining about technical debt and how it’s slowing down our progress, so here’s the deal. You have until the end of this week to eliminate all technical debt in the codebase. After that I NEVER WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT TECHNICAL DEBT EVER AGAIN!!!

Dev: …

Dev: So how do you want this feature fixed?

Manager: It should work how it worked before.

Dev: I'm new to this feature, I don't know how it worked before or what is broken about it.

Manager: Well just make it work like it worked before.

Dev: I DONT KNOW HOW IT WORKED BEFORE THAT IS WHY I AM ASKING YOU. PLEASE TELL ME SO I CAN DO MY JOB.

Manager: Just how it worked before!

Dev: ...

Manager: ...

Dev: fuck you

Manager: This code you wrote violates the single responsibility principle!!

Dev: How so?

Manager: You have one function that you call in *MULTIPLE* places. That’s too much responsibility for one function! Functions should only have one responsibility!! Creeping the scope of a function beyond that is a TERRIBLE way to write code!

Dev: But why spin up multiple functions that all perform the same thing?

Manager: Well if a function has a bug in it and you use that function multiple places then that bug exists everywhere you use that function. If a function only has one responsibility then if it has a bug that bug will only exist in the single place it is called! You really should think first before asking questions like that.

Dev: …

Found this potential solution to your boss problems on reddit:

Dev submitting PR: “Testing instructions: Self explanatory”

Dev reviewing PR: You need to be a bit more verbose than that.

Dev submitting PR: “Testing instruction: Feature should work as expected”

Dev reviewing PR: *sigh*… Feature doesn’t work as expected

Dev submitting PR: WHAT IS NOT WORKING AS EXPECTED??? I NEED MORE DETAIL THAN THAT!!

Dev reviewing PR: …….So do I you muppet