These guys were studying for a Java exam...from PRINTED OUT PHONE PICTURES OF CODE ON THEIR SCREENS

I had to go help marketing with a website UI issue today:

Me: What version of IE are you using?
Her: Oh my god! Did you say virgin?
Me: No, "Version".
Her: Hahaha you guys I thought he asked what virgin am I using!
*room erupts into laughter*

WTF is this high school?

Train conversation between 3 girls:

A: "Oh, I've got 4G.. "
B: "What, we have 4G!?"
C: "OMG I HATE 4G!"
A: "Yeah, it's almost as slow as E"
C: "I know, right?!"
.....
Kill me pls

"The difference between SSDs and HDDs is that HDDs store data on spinning CDs inside the drive"
-- a 3rd year CS student

Spinning CDs?? CDs?!?!?

Sitting on the bus updating my system.
Random girl: What are you using?
Me: Linux :).
Random girl: Ohh I use Mac, because that doesn't have viruses and can't get hacked!

*me waiting for a cliff to jump off*

kill -9 me

Every. Class. In. It's. Own. Project.

Yes, that's an 18 arguments constructor.. there's 21 other classes and I'm afraid of looking into them.

I’m a senior dev at a small company that does some consulting. This past October, some really heavy personal situation came up and my job suffered for it. I raised the flag and was very open with my boss about it and both him and my team of 3 understood and were pretty cool with me taking on a smaller load of work while I moved on with some stuff in my life. For a week.

    Right after that, I got sent to a client. “One month only, we just want some presence there since it’s such a big client” alright, I guess I can do that. “You’ll be in charge of a team of a few people and help them technically.” Sounds good, I like leading!

    So I get here. Let’s talk technical first: from being in a small but interesting project using Xamarin, I’m now looking at Visual Basic code, using Visual Studio 2010. Windows fucking Forms.

    The project was made by a single dev for this huge company. She did what she could but as the requirements grew this thing became a behemoth of spaghetti code and User Controls. The other two guys working on the project have been here for a few months and they have very basic experience at the job anyways. The woman that worked on the project for 5 years is now leaving because she can’t take it anymore.

    And that’s not the worse of it. It took from October to December for me to get a machine. I literally spent two months reading on my cellphone and just going over my shitty personal situation for 8 hours a day. I complained to everyone I could and nothing really worked.

    Then I got a PC! But wait… no domain user. Queue an extra month in which I could see the Windows 7 (yep) log in screen and nothing else. Then, finally! A domain user! I can log in! Just wait 2 extra weeks for us to give your user access to the subversion rep and you’re good to go!

    While all of this went on, I didn’t get an access card until a week ago. Every day I had to walk to the reception desk, show my ID and request they call my boss so he could grant me access. 5 months of this, both at the start of the day and after lunch. There was one day in particular, between two holidays, in which no one that could grant me access was at the office. I literally stood there until 11am in which I called my company and told them I was going home.

    Now I’ve been actually working for a while, mostly fixing stuff that works like crap and trying to implement functions that should have been finished but aren’t even started. Did I mention this App is in production and being used by the people here? Because it is. Imagine if you will the amount of problems that an application that’s connecting to the production DB can create when it doesn’t even validate if the field should receive numeric values only. Did I mention the DB itself is also a complete mess? Because it is. There’s an “INDEXES” tables in which, I shit you not, the IDs of every other table is stored. There are no Identity fields anywhere, and instead every insert has to go to this INDEXES table, check the last ID of the table we’re working on, then create a new registry in order to give you your new ID. It’s insane.

   

    And, to boot, the new order from above is: We want to split this app in two. You guys will stick with the maintenance of half of it, some other dudes with the other. Still both targeting the same DB and using the same starting point, but each only working on the module that we want them to work in. PostmodernJerk, it’s your job now to prepare the app so that this can work. How? We dunno. Why? Fuck if we care. Kill you? You don’t deserve the swift release of death.

    Also I’m starting to get a bit tired of comments that go  ‘THIS DOESN’T WORK and ‘I DON’T KNOW WHY WE DO THIS BUT IT HELPS and my personal favorite  ‘??????????????????????

Normal devRant user:

- Look, the algo it's awesome, it matches similar content posts, it's so funny!

Meanwhile at devRant Headquarters:

trogus: When are you telling them?
dfox: Ignorance is bliss, my friend
trogus: Well, at least we know the random number generator it's not coded by Sony though, otherwise they would suspect

I just ask an intern to comment a Java class I send him (for practice). He asked what should he use to open the file, because, he said, "Word, messes it up"

Seriously, what are they teaching at schools?

*casually programming stuff*
*Sudden need to open cmd arises*

Me: *opens cmd and starts typing, when it hits me*
"Fuck"

Friend: "what happended?"

Me: "i forgot to turn on hackermode"
*enters "color 0a"*
"Better"

Friend: *chuckles angerly*

Part of my job involves speaking with users on the phone and I really don’t mind it except for THESE PEOPLE:

Me: Hi! XYZ Co. this is Tawzer!
Them: Hi Tawzer this is blah blah I need help with the website I just can’t figure it out!
Me: Okay! Let me ju-
Them: Yeah you know I’ve been struggling for hours with it I really don’t have time for this.
Me: Oh I imagine! What’s your-
Them: Well I was gonna try and get everything done today by 3 but with all of this tech stuff going wrong I just don’t know...
Me: That sounds frustrating, can i get your-
Them: Is this going to take long??
Me: Nope! I just need to know your-
Them: like I said I just really don’t have time for this!
Me: ........ What’s your-
Them: well I-
Me: WHAT’S YOUR USERNAME
Them: Uh I don’t know can you look me up? I didn’t know I’d need that.
Me: 👩🏻‍💻

Kill me now

Its a joke
please don't kill me :(

Available for all platforms

*on the phone with a client*
Important detail: in Dutch we call a colon a "double point" and a semicolon a "point comma".

Me: go to {url} and put double point followed by {something} behind it.
Client: *tries for 5 minutes, suggestions forth and back*
Me: how did you type the double points?
Client: I typed two points. (..)

The level of retardness I thought existed got worse once again.

At that moment the open window seemed like a veeery good option 😭

I AM A FUCKING IDIOT!!!!!!
I have a setDelta(float newdelta) function that set newdelta to the old delta!
Fucking hell!
I even made a fool of myself on stack overflow! Kill me now please!

Friend: So you're like a Developer right? Specifically using JavaScript?

Me: I mean...kinda? Pretty Noobish still...

Friend: But you could like show a buddy of mine some basics right?

Me (thinking to myself...the best way to test your knowledge is to teach it...): well...sure...

Friend: Great here is their info!

*Drives an hour away*
*sits down with this friend of a friend*
*busts out laptop*

Friend of friend: So how long have you been a Java Developer?

Me: -_- oh fuck...

*head desk*

Forgot my headphones at home, Monday can't be worse

Well, here's the OS rant I promised. Also apologies for no blog posts the past few weeks, working on one but I want to have all the information correct and time isn't my best friend right now :/

Anyways, let's talk about operating systems. They serve a purpose which is the goal which the user has.
So, as everyone says (or, loads of people), every system is good for a purpose and you can't call the mainstream systems shit because they all have their use.

Last part is true (that they all have their use) but defining a good system is up to an individual. So, a system which I'd be able to call good, had at least the following 'features':
- it gives the user freedom. If someone just wants to use it for emailing and webbrowsing, fair enough. If someone wants to produce music on it, fair enough. If someone wants to rebuild the entire system to suit their needs, fair enough. If someone wants to check the source code to see what's actually running on their hardware, fair enough. It should be up to the user to decide what they want to/can do and not up to the maker of that system.
- it tries it's best to keep the security/privacy of its users protected. Meaning, by default, no calling home, no integrating users within mass surveillance programs and no unnecessary data collection.
- Open. Especially in an age of mass surveillance, it's very important that one has the option to check the underlying code for vulnerabilities/backdoors. Can everyone do that, nope. But that doesn't mean that the option shouldn't be there because it's also about transparency so you don't HAVE to trust a software vendor on their blue eyes.
- stability. A system should be stable enough for home users to use. For people who like to tweak around? Also, but tweaking *can* lead to instability and crashes, that's not the systems' responsibility.

Especially the security and privacy AND open parts are why I wouldn't ever voluntarily (if my job would depend on it, sure, I kinda need money to stay alive so I'll take that) use windows or macos. Sure, apple seems to care about user privacy way more than other vendors but as long as nobody can verify that through source code, no offense, I won't believe a thing they say about that because no one can technically verify it anyways.

Some people have told me that Linux is hard to use for new/(highly) a-technical people but looking at my own family and friends who adapted fast as hell and don't want to go back to windows now (and mac, for that matter), I highly doubt that. Sure, they'll have to learn something new. But that was also the case when they started to use any other system for the first time. Possibly try a different distro if one doesn't fit?

Problems - sometimes hard to solve on Linux, no doubt about that. But, at least its open. Meaning that someone can dive in as deep as possible/necessary to solve the problem. That's something which is very difficult with closed systems.

The best example in this case for me (don't remember how I did it by the way) was when I mounted a network drive at boot on windows and Linux (two systems using the same webDav drive). I changed the authentication and both systems weren't in for booting anymore. Hours of searching how to unfuck this on windows - I ended up reinstalling it because I just couldn't find a solution.
On linux, i found some article quite quickly telling to remove the entry for the webdav thingy from fstab. Booted into a root recovery shell, chrooted to the harddrive, removed the entry in fstab and rebooted. BAM. Everything worked again.

So yeah, that's my view on this, I guess ;P

Please for the love of god name your variables in a sensible way! How the FUCK am I supposed to read your shitcode if you decide to write 6 (!!!) nested loops with variables each named by exactly one character. With no comments whatsoever!

I would rather crack password hashes than this nonsense.

The newest iPhone really seems like a top notch smartphone!

Please don’t kill me 😅

So, if my data is in the Cloud, does it fall when it rains?

FUCK YOU PHP!!!! FUCKING HELL JUST FUCK THE HELL OFF YOU PIECE OF SHIT.
8 GOD FORSAKEN HOURS SPENT TRYING TO ZIP SOME SHITTY FUCKING FILES IN A FOLDER ON MY WEB SERVER TO HAVE THEM DOWNLOADED TO MY CLIENT COMPUTER.... 8 HOURS UNABLE TO OPEN THE DAMN FILE AND THE ISSUE WAS "echo" & "print_r()" STATEMENTS GETTING TRAPPED IN MY ZIPARCHIVE BUFFER MAKING THE ZIP FILE A GIANT PILE OF UNREADABLE SHIT.
HOW IN GODS NAME WERE THOSE FUCKERS EVEN BEING ADDED TO THE ZIP FILE.

Fucking hell. Time to sleep.

Relatives: What does he do as a job?
Mom: He's an informatician, he tinkers with computers
Me: No, I'm a programmer.
Relatives: Is it computer related?
Me: Yes, but..
Relative: Sounds like an informatician to me.

I'm so tempted to say that I butcher animals, but I'm afraid they'll think I'm a veterinarian.

My dad uses mouse to copy and paste texts, every fucking time.

End my suffering..

When dealing with the ignorant!

Don’t you just love it when you do the following in a prod database 😅

UPDATE table SET someImportantField= NULL; WHERE abc = 123;

If I don’t laugh right now I’m going to cry.

When you fix one small bug and then 150+ tests start failing

Yesterday, I had a meeting to prepare today's meeting, which goal is to prepare tomorrow's meeting... 😣

Holy crap, look at the Sun Microsystems Type 6 keyboard.

That's like hell on your desk.

KILL ME. 😵

That moment when you Google an error and there are zero results.

One of my friend at college asked me why her computer is running slow even when she is running only chrome.

Me: how much memory does it have?
Her: 1TB.
Me (somewhat confused): no no I meant RAM.
Her: yeah yeah it's one TB. I read the specifications of the laptop.
Me: *in my mind, fucking read it again* please read it again. You must have misread it.
Her( grinning face ): alright.

Guess who didn't talk to me for a week. 😂

When you're writing documentation at half past midnight

The dickhead of this rant is me, and I’m writing on behalf of my coworker.

Stop singing the fucking same song from ABBA again and again, you little nervous cocksucker!

Side-note: in my defence, Super Trooper is really a catchy song :)

Side-note 2 : trooper-per, trooper-per

Client: "Hey we want you to integrate your product with our system."
Me: "Oh, OK. Where's your API?"
Client: "Here! We even have an outdated .Net SDK, we use XML."
Me: "Ok.. how do we authenticate? What's your OAuth 2.0 endpoint?"
Client: "O auth what?"
Me: " You know, the current standard for REST API authentication and authorisation"
Client: " What's REST?"
*Hungs up*

Boss: Have you finished that feature?
Me: Almost there, i'm refactoring some classes...
Boss: What? Refactor? But thisnis a new feature, it does not need refactor! We don't have time for this!
Me: 😵🔫

This is what happen when you care about code quality.

Well, maybe a year ago when I tried to learn JavaScript, I named my dir "Java" just because I wanted to shorten JavaScript -_- when it saw my dev classmate he was laughing af and he still reminds me that

So I was playing Formula 1 game and I heard “push, push, push” from the engineer while leaving pit-lane.

I immediately closed game and started “git push”

Well, it all started off with hardware-level programming involving jumpers and stuff like that... Then came Assembly, which was good.. B, C compilers. Finally came the interpreted languages, and that's where in my opinion the abstraction should've ended. But no, we needed more frameworks, more libraries, even more abstraction! Where does it end? As it seems to be going, I guess that users will have kid toys - no iToys! - for electronics and we'll be programming on with bloated Scratch GUI's. Nothing against Scratch, but that shit ain't proper programming anymore. God I can't wait for the future.

ABSTRACT ALL THE THINGS!!!

Oh and not to mention that all software will be governed in political correctness by some Alex SJW AI shit that became sentient. Not a single programming term will be non-offensive anymore, no matter how hard you try to not offend anyone, or God forbid - don't care about it because you just want to make something that's readable, usable and working!! Terms, UI names for buttons, heck even icons! REMOVE IT BECAUSE IT OFFENDS SOMEONE THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT!!!

Guess everybody has access to me now...

My friend loves Dreamweaver... And continuously says that he doesn't understand what people see in it that is so wrong... It does the job right?...... Fucking blind...

Uses a bootstrap plugin which generates HTML code for bootstrap.
I did not know this at the time.

Comes to me the night before submission.
He: Dude i need help quick! I've got the presentation tomorrow morning and bootstrap fucked up the links to my style sheets or something, my page is broken and won't work. I should have done what you did and gone for Foundation...
Me: Yeah, because the bootstrap framework definitely affects the style links...
He: help me out man, please! I can't do this anymore!

I had my submission the day after him to prepare still...

Me: Teamviewer. Now.

Log on to Teamviewer.
See what he's using to code...
Dreamweaver..... Niiiiice....

I go through the code. There are empty divs with &nbsc; in them everywhere.. some HTML elements haven't been closed, no comments, indentation seems to be completely random. All the usual shit storm of a novice web designer.
The only thing is, this guy I know knows how to indent, I've seen his previous work. Why is this so horrible then???
I ask what the hell happened, it looked like a nuclear explosion happened!

He: Yeah I'm using this great plugin for Dreamweaver which lets me click and it puts in Bootstrap elements! It's great!

........ You're blaming the bootstrap framework for affecting your links to your stylesheets, you're using an elements generator, you're not checking what the FUCK it puts into your code, not fixing the indenting, not checking the standard HTML rules are followed AND YOU WONDER WHY IT'S BROKEN???

Kill me now.

My boss is making me deploy a major change what hasn't had proper testing yet on the day I leave for 2 weeks. Save me someone.

I just programmed a counting sort algorithm, and I swear to God I think it has AI. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Discovered one of the worst db designs ever:

- A cust is inserted in a table.
- The insert trigger is fired, calling a stored proc
- The stored proc being called creates a dynamic sql that builds a create table statement for 8 different tables. These tables will be postfixed with the newly-created cust id and is executed.

When querying info for a cust, a stored proc is used that accepts an id value would be appended to another dynamic sql that creates a select statement across all 8 tables for one customer.

Shoot me now.

Being a techie surrounded by "normal" people is like a torment you didn't ask for. I just watched someone copy a whole folder of images to their flash drive.
File by file.
Without keyboard shortcuts.
In one explorer window.

Select, copy, navigate to flash drive, paste, navigate to folder, repeat.

Why do I keep seeing children in every workspace I go to..? I can admit that I'm childish at times but... and this is just life advice?

You're adults.

Don't lie. Don't cry when you don't get your way. Don't claim I am lying when I prove you wrong.

Most importantly?

Don't make a false accusation. You ALMOST LOST YOUR LIFE TODAY with that bullshit. One more word from your mouth to tarnish my reputation with a good group of people in that manner and frankly, I would've shot you dead in front of everyone.

Short version of the story behind this rant:

Someone accused me of sexual harassment because I (I wish I was joking about this) held the door for a female employee that works with me. I brushed off the bullshit that happened at the door but the customer went to the manager who, as a result, nearly fired me and sent me to court.

Fortunately we have a camera at the entrance which disproved the allegations of "he grabbed my ass while I walked through the door" and our security guard is a badass and kept the tape.

People, for God's sake PLEASE at least try to understand the code you are copy-pasting ... now I have to debug a weird function because of someone who didn't.

Conversation between me (intern) and a guy from communications, let's call him Bob.
Bob: "Hey, client X wants these pages to be changed."
Me: "Again? Last time I changed them was less than a week ago!"
Bob: "Yeah, everyone thinks X is a pain in the ass, but hey, more money for us."
Me: "But you don't pay me..."
Bob: "Oh yeah, you're right haha XD."
Me: "Haha... :')"

Never seen anything more cringy than the "hacking" scenes in the new Fast and Furious movie... -.-

I HOPED I WOULDN'T BE BALD AS MY DAD BUT AT THIS RATE I WILL BE HAIRLESS FROM TEARING IT OUT ON MY BLOODY OWN

I got hired for cleaning up a 2 year project of rushed spaghetti code , where they previously only had 1 programmer aND HE WROTE 37 THOUSAND LINES OF CODE!

OH WE NEED A NEW FEATURE?! LEMME JUST RESEARCH THIS COMMENT-LESS CRAP FOR MULTIPLE MILLENIA BEFORE I CAN GRASP WHAT THE FLYING FRICKIN FRIDGE CODE DOES

To top it off, I've about ONE MONTH LEFT BEFORE BETA RELEASE TO FIX THE CODE!

I'm super grateful for this job as it's my first programming job BUT I'M GONNA SET THE REPOSITORY ON FIRE SOON AAAAHHHHHH

HOW CAN YOU, THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER, WORK IN THIS ENVIRONMENT WHERE MOSTLY ALL FILES ARE +2000 ROWS OF UNDOCUMENTED CODE

OH AND JUST GOT A MESSAGE FROM THE PREVIOUS PROGRAMMER:
"You can just remove the unused code and refractor it some, izi"

IZI MY SHITTY POOP CAR
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

Now with that out of the way, how would you recommend handling a stressful release deadline?

So IT just blocked all web browsers at work apart from internet explorer.....

I have been using it for 2 hours and I think I'm about ready to end it all....

"Can't we extract the UNIX from Linux and use it as our server operating system?"

fml

Linux isn't even based on UNIX, but this piece of shit of a bitch of client was so freaking stubborn, and wanted a RAR file of UNIX from me

”Can’t you install the new update while the computer is turned off?”

Things I hear at work..

"no micro managing here!"

*Boss comes in at 5*
- how much work have you done?
- why isn't this finished yet?
- you're working too slow
- show me git status
- show me git log
- why is this taking you so long?

And in one foul swoop I am unemployed with bills due, an engagement ring to pay off and medical shit... This is fine

Day 2 of writing documentation: still ready to go insane from repeating myself and am reconsidering everything I have ever done in my life...

Rant 2/n; 😎 = me, 💩 = client
The (brief but comprehensive) docs I sent my client contained the following line: "Any text that has not been translated will be highlighted yellow for the admins".

A day later:
💩: "Hey, I like the new design, but why are the titles yellow?"
😎: "They aren't actually yellow. You just see that because you're logged in and they aren't translated"
💩: "But the yellow doesn't look good with the design. Visitors will think it looks unprofessional. Make them not yellow!"
😎: "They won't see the yellow! Only you can see it so you don't miss any translations"
💩: "Hi, I just noticed some of the titles aren't in English. How do I translate them? And they're still yellow."

😐🙁😠😡🤬💥

Kill me...

At school @desjna and I are working on a project where we have to make a website.

In wix.

I just said "fuck that, I'm doing it in HTML / css "

Also.. this is in the class with the teacher that thinks I'm hacking... My go-to web-dev environment is tmux with green text and black background... This is going to be "fun"

Predictions on how long I can make it without him flipping at me?

Kill me

So, should I refactor this into a .greatGreatGrandParent() method, or should I just go hang myself?
(Thanks former colleague for this gem)

Getting real fucking sick of shitty websites excessive security measures!

1. Username
2. Password
3. Captcha
4. Mandatory 2FA

We don't recognize your IP, please log into your email, click the link, get redirected and complete steps 1-4 again! Also the site will time out in 10 minutes if you aren't actively using it. Have a nice day!

Go fuck yourself.

They said, try new unit tests...

Client: I need a blog with 3 categories.

Designer: cool, let's have every post teaser in the home look diferent depending on the category.

Me (Dev): Ok...

Client: *sees actual design with different looking posts depending on category* I like it! Let's go!

Me: *codes the site*

Client: It's cool but in the home the posts look different... Could we make them look the same?

Me:...

Windows, you were installed yesterday. What the fuck are you updating???

Having to implement full text and filter search on JSON data using ElasticSearch on a Django app within 24 hours...

Sure client. Should I also insert this flaming metal cactus inside of myself?

On the presentation for my database project my team and I showed a NodeJS + Mongo + VueJS project with cloud storage capability, nothing fancy but did everything from scratch (from token auth and system encryption to the frontend CSS and the database) the teacher made some questions and meh'd at it.

Behold team two's project, WordPress with a standard template and phpMyAdmin, teacher loves it because "it's so beautiful"

Guess who just failed that class?

God I love college, it's the best time investment I've ever done and it'll surely pay out.

While writing a Xamarin Forms app in C#.

Graphic designer: "Can you increase the letter spacing of this label by 1.5em?"

Me: "Uhhhh...."

Graphic designer: "I know you can do it, I've done it in CSS before"

Me: "...."

Oh my fucking god I deserve to be shot for my stupidity.
I spent an hour in absolute fear trying to figure out what was wrong with my PC - it would boot but the monitor wouldn't show anything.

I'd forgotten that I'd changed to monitor to show HDMI input - but I was using a HDMI-to-VGA converter so the monitor should have been set to VGA input :/

Fren: you suck at design
Me: hold my coffee, you baka gajin

Manager: Morning Alex, how are you?

My Brain: I'm fan-fucking-tastic, I've had 1 hour of sleep, hurt my back, feels like my tail bone is broken, struggling to walk, every piece of code I've written for the past 3 day's has been a complete waste of time and I'm at work...

Me actually: Good thanks .-.

It was on purpose I swear.

Me at midnight: let's release a demo build

Me at 1 am: why are there so many bugs? Why won't it compile.

Me at 2 am: omg finally compiled. Runs it, buttons don't work. Closes it, reopens it. Buttons work.

Me at 3 am: let's write apologetic posts for the bugs, but post the version anyway

Me at 4 am: why do I advertise in so many places

Me at 5 am: let's update the patreon reward tiers

Me at 5:30 am: nah fuck this, going to bed.

Mom at 9 am: wake the hell up we need you to dig out a hill and build a stone wall around one side of the house.

Me: omg wtf why.

Me at 2:30 pm: why the hell are we doing this, I have so many bugs to patch and everyone knows they are there because I told them all!

HOW MANY TIMES MUST I INSTALL ARCH LINUX INCORRECTLY!?!?

University C: please kill me...

When you do something from scratch...

Debuggers are for pussies real men use print("aa") everywhere.

Ok, sorry.
I'll go now

Today I've found dead pixels on screen of my laptop 😖😢

Fuck this system. Fuck college. Why the fuck are you making me write hundreds of chemistry assignments and calculating double integrals? How the fuck does that even help me? I seriously feel like college sucks up a huge chunk of my time and I am not learning anything, while I practice Node and Vue at home. Why does that degree hold so much value when most degree holders don't even have skills?

[doesn't do any work for like 3 days]
"I guess it's about time I got something done"

[opens laptop]

I am so BORED!

Like, seriously.... so so bored... work isn’t fun anymore... I don’t do any fun coding anymore...

Meh 😔

!dev but still rant

So I'm a photocopier technician by day, alcoholic coder by night. Just spent 3 fucking hours trying to diagnose a black line on print outs, checked drums, dev units, toner cartridges, fusing unit, everything...

Called up one of the guys I work with and they said to come back with some samples to try and pin it down...

I turn around to leave and remember I didn't check the transfer belt and lo and behold it isn't cleaning and is smearing the paper...

3 fucking hours to work out such a simple error, I've had program breaking bugs diagnosed and fixed by then... ugh -.-

[Story Time]
So yesterday, this babe posted on a Facebook group saying she was looking for a tutor for her Python course in uni. I though to myself, "I'll be good lad and help someone out for the good of it". I messaged her and said I'd help when she asked me how much I was charging.
.
.
WAIT I'M GETTING PAID FOR THIS ?

"Awesome, this is gonna be the easiest job in the planet". Here I was the idiot, about to do it for free.

So we decide to Skype(The new interview feature) so I can start teaching immediately. Mind you it was 3 am in the morning. I'm a night owl and we're a time difference of FUCKING 14 hours.

So I opened up the skype interview website and sent her a link. 10 mins later I realize that I don't even fucking have webcam drivers installed on my laptop that I'd been using for over 2 years. How the Fuck does that happen?

Anyways I start searching for drivers and realize it's going to take a hell of lot more time to install the drivers. So I boot into Windows, YUCK, went on Skype and asked her what she knows so far. She says she knows the basic syntax and concepts. So I ask her to do a simple while loop and she puts the print outside the fucking loop. "Oh well, i guess it's going to be a long night".

Two hours of absolutely no progress later, she sends me a small 2 page pdf which is her homework/exercise. I politely told her I'm not there to do her homework, but I can show her how to do the concepts. After a while we ended the chat and I decided to go to sleep.

*gets up from the bed*

Wait, why did she look so worried about the homework? I opened the pdf.

GRAPH THEORY

I should have asked for higher pay. This is going to be impossible.

Fuck me :/

!rant

So, uh.
Just came back from my vacation, only to find out that my PC is now broken.
Like, it doesn't turn on.
Great.

When you spend 3 hours looking at your project's code and debugging it to find out you forgot to add a '!' to your if condition.... Brilliant

Me today, after restoring my Macbook Pro

*Installs macports*

*Macports Breaks Xcode*

*Broken Xcode breaks filesystem*

*Broken filesystem corrupts snapshots, rendering them utterly unreadable*

When you're asked to extend a functionality on a piece of code and the 2.5k lines in the view are a juicy mix of PHP, HTML, CSS, JavaScript and the functionality relying on jQuery trasversing through the document tree and expecting things to be in their place. Oh did I mention html build with strings in JS? I'm going to love this day! WHY, JUST WHY?! *gasp*

You know what?
Fuck Windows, just fuck it.

$ sudo kill me please -fml

Was searching for an ass...et. Didn't expect that 😂. (from unity assets store on mobile)

Debugging on a Friday evening be like

After 3 months and around 5 projects at my new job, I've finally come to the realisation that the developer in charge and I disagree on everything, all tech stack/browser compatibility decisions are made completely blindly and no matter what, the lead (full stack) dev refuses to take any of my frontend expertise/knowledge on board.

how did a startup become this rigid and terrible?

I already want to quit.

Love my internet...

So my parents got speakers integrated into their monitor. A few years ago (like 3-4) they made me turn off the sound because it annoyed them since all they did were playing some shitty flash games and some office work. Now they needed the sound back on and this is how it happened.

1. Confirm they plugged the right cable in. I know them so I knew that could be a problem

2. Made them download Teamviewer because I know they can't even doubleclick without guidance

Now the juicy part was to tell them they need to turn on sound on the monitor. As I was watching via teamviewer I saw them trying to click on the menu items from said monitor. Took me 5 minutes to explain that their mouse can't do shit on that because they need to navigate with the buttons underneath the monitor.

Turned out they couldnt get things right and I had no idea what they were seeing because they explanations went like "All I can see is Main Menu and Exit." - "Is that really all dad?" "Yes thats all. Main Menu, Brightness and Exit" turnes out the middle part is interchangable like "Brightness, Saturation, etc..."

After 2 hours I gave up and told them to pick up my speakers tomorrow

>starts a new project
>new project is kernel
>clinl.tiff
>implements a big bunch of C++ stl
>wants to implement a FS
>needs ATA-Drivers
>ofuck.vmw
>Writes Ata drivers
>Ata drivers don't work on ACPI systems
>i_want_to_kill_kevin.fossil
>implements ACPI according to osdevwiki
>doesn't work
>decides to read the acpi specs

A mosquito got into my room the other night and feasted on my foot for 9 hours. I could hardly walk the next day, and the itching was insane. I couldn’t go to sleep the next night I was so absorbed by my fixation on finding him. Eventually I barricaded myself with blankets. The one time blankets will actually protect you.

"Can you please restart your computer?"

"uh... how do I do that?"

It's going to be a long day.

Damnit...

I'm kind of a perfectionist, which is one of the reasons why I don't post here very often.

I think that my posts have to be the most hilarious or creative ones to even be bothered to be read by anyone.

Now.. I'm kind of not sober, so I'll just write some idéas, jokes and rants in notes on my iPad.. Sleep, and get drunk again tomorrow and maybe post them...

Or maybe just delete this post and be ashamed tomorrow?

I at least posted this under the "Joke/Meme" tag so that people won't be offended, hopefully, by this "none-rant".

Being forced to use wordpress for every fucking project because "everyone needs a cms and wordpress is the best".

For an early meeting PM promised to bring coffee for every one.
Now he says that he forgot...

Early in the morning, stuck in 3 hours meeting without coffee...

A friend of mine told me that he is now a developer !

I was happy, finally I found with who I can talk about this world..

I was wrong .. he added that he know how to code pograms in Basic Casio on his calculator.

I WAN'T TO DIEEEEEEE

What do two computers that really like each other go on?

Timestamps - it's their idea of dates.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

I solemnly swear I won't help anyone no more.

(Fucking bitch dragged me till 3 A.M, NO SHE'S NOT WORTH IT)

You motherfucking incompetent useless collection of hairy ballsacks even a trained monkey could do a better job than you do. And I swear once we literally cross the 99% availability rate I will find your headquarters and smash everyone's face into each of your fucking servers then set that whole place on fire.

You forget to flush the DNS cache after moving my server (of course on Friday when else), here is 2 days of error page for my site, whoose instructions a normal user simply couldn't follow. Not to mention it pointed to the wrong article.

Random 503 error, and you aren't​ answering my phone calls, though usually I am the first one who informs you of a fucking problem with your fucking server and I have to wait 5-10 minutes in line while you are figuring out the problem.

And now random forbidden error for my whole page. Out of nothing. I've changed nothing. You said one hour earlier that it's your mistake and it will took around 30 min. Still nothing.

I'm fed up with all your bullshit. Go fuck yourselves.

I'm out...

I'm the git expert at my work. This means every time someone has the slightest issue with git (or the git features in their ide), I get interrupted.

😡😡😡

Also I will say it is fascinating watching people who've used centralised version control all their lives struggle with distributed.

"Do you have my changes? I merged them into your branch..."

"You can commit and not push?!"

kill -9 $(pidof me)

Google suggestions kill me

This has been my semester so far:
Professor: "Please read this material for the next session"
*Next session arrives*
Professor: "Now I will repeat everything you've just read with no additional content"

I feel like this is a waste of my fucking time. I always read the material, because I enjoy the topics we're taught. But this is getting ridiculous... I have to endure it to get my master's degree though :/

Android is gonna be the death of me. Any fucking idea you have is impossible to implement, because libraries with clear documentation are deprecated. If a library is not deprecated, however, it has documentation written by a fucking caveman who thinks it's extremely self explanatory on how to use something that is extremely application specific. Spent hours looking at Google example code that crashes almost immediately after execution, what a joke.

hahahahahahahaaha kill me now plz

After several long nights of learning to resize encrypted lvm partitions, fixing grub, finding screws, and waiting....

I finally managed to move my system files from the old drive to the new SSD.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Developing on a laptop with a 1.6 GHz Intel pentium with 2 cores... Pls send halp

what do you call a text editor that exits if it's put into light theme?

a vim-pire

Just found out that not even shutting down windows from CMD jumps the "updates" shit, thank you windows go fuck yourself

Like kill me now....
#original

I really really really don't like Windows. The amount of awful updates that I have to do all of the time, the fact that my mother just had Windows updates try and run, fail, try and run again, fail again, and then try a third time. But I'm stuck with it, because if I try and run a Linux live CD, my computer has a fit. Because Ryzen. Fantastic

Have you ever reach a point where you lost any desire or mood to do anything? Like when you don't even want to rant about the fuckedupshit you are in.

Kill me now!

Microshit is trying to kill me!

I just loooooove school wifi/computers

GOD FUCKING KILL ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT!

1. ACCIDENTALLY HIT MY PC-CASE AND SOME SHITTY CABLE IS RUBBING AGAINST A FAN, I'LL HAVE TO TAKE THIS SHIT CASE APART!!

2. MY FUCKING LATEX DOCUMENT WONT COMPILE, GIVING ME ERRORS, YET, PASTING IT INTO FUCKING SHARELATEX, IT WORKS!!! I'LL HAVE RO DEBUG THAT PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT PDFTEX

Sure, you hate Win10 forced updates. But have you tried a fresh install of Arch.

A long time ago, I've started my journey into web development. Discovered HTML, CSS and was great, then it came WordPress.

As a self taught developer I thought this was an awesome way to develop sites quicker, didn't really knew any better and, for all I did at the time it was fine.

Then I discovered .NET and MVC, I was amazed (I kinda love the MVC pattern)

Then it came Laravel, really really liked working with it, felt free to develop isntead of focusing on mundane stuff

Last week a client came by, requesting a site for his business, he wanted all sorts of custom stuff, but he needed it in WordPress because that is what he knows how to use.

After three days of dealing with "the WordPress way" I'm seriously considering doing the whole thing in Laravel and style the admin to look like WordPress. I feel like wrestling a 500 pound gorilla, geez, why do every little feature has to be implemented in such an unnatural way.

I'm grabbing a hook but to hang myself on it

Microsoft is buying devrant.

I just picked up a project from a person that no longer works at the company.

Every single commit for the past year has been the exact same message "SOME UPDATES" 😫

I’m so done of getting false errors in Visual Studio

Working as a part time student on an app and until now I thought I was the king of software development.
Well, fuck me and my high horse.

Today the stuff we send from the client to the server didn't arrive, so I asked the backend guy if he could take a look at the packages arriving. He did and told me the data was messed up.
I did only design stuff the last week or so, so I was very confused. After reverting back to one old commit after the other it struck me.
I still don't know how such a dumb mistake could have happened to me, the king of Android apps, but apparently I replaced all occurrences of a specific keyword in just the strings and comments of the whole project. Key became KeyList, so instead of <Keys> my XML contained <KeyList> which made no goddamn sense whatsoever.
Did I mention that we have an important deadline tomorrow? Yeah...

So now I leaned my lesson. Never trust XML.

JK I'm dumb. That's the lesson here.

I thought I’ve moved to Netherlands 🇳🇱 , not Croatia 🇭🇷 🤒

Me: *gets a payout from my old job*
Me: ahhh now to spoil myself, let's get some pixel buds and a day dream set and maybe a nice bottle of whiskey.

eBay: YO! We have that MacBook you've been looking for going really cheap at the moment!

Me: ... I hate myself...

Why does stuff always go on sale when I've spent my money ;-;

My college wants me to submit my final project.... On a compact disk!
Yes, I'm sitting here facepalming myself to a pulp.
Like what the actual fuck, those things died six years ago! The last time I burned a cd was probably when I was in 9th grade and had a potato for a computer.

"Existence is pain" -- my forehead

How in the fuck do you start getting clients as a freelancer? Do I just throw stuff on my GitHub and pray someone hits me up on Fiverr? Upwork won't accept my account and it's been fucking four months of me trying. I took to becoming a full-time designer to push our startup's products to completion but a fucking failure over there too everytime.

Everything is a fucking shitfest and I'm just whining at this point but I needed to take this off of my fucking chest. A good fucking day to you too.

If you do this, please, don't have children.

P.D. count the number of *if*s

...
$html .= '</li></ul></div>' . $label . '</div>';

return new JsonModel(
'status' => true,
'html' => $html
);

Have 3 projects due in a week, two of which are partner projects. One of them has 6 other members in the group and I've only met 5 of them, one of them being two days ago for the first time. The other member has not replied to any emails from any of us, and we've had this project for three weeks now. Either do your homework or get the fuck out. We are also suppose to present it in class for our final... Group projects in college suck

*trying to install arch linux for the first time*
> reboot
> system goes into a boot loop
> cant get into BIOS
> taking pc apart rn

Years ago, one of my friends in college was taking an intro to CS class. He asked me for help on one of his assignments. It was a simple Python program, but it wasn't running as expected. I go in figuring it will be easy to fix. But everything looks exactly right. An hour later I'm tearing my hair out! It isn't even entering the function although it's clearly called. I'm beginning to feel very self conscious, as a CS major who can't even debug a 15 line program for a friend.

Then it hit me. This is Python. I used an editor macro to convert all indentation to tabs, lined them up, and it ran on the first try. Turns out, he had somehow ended up with a mixture of tabs and spaces.

I'm not sure what the takeaway is, but I think he got a surprisingly honest introduction to the life of a developer...

Fucking kill me. I've just agreed to make a shitty fucking app that would be better as a Webpage, using shitty fucking technologies I don't understand, to do a thing that would be better handled by a third party.
You know why? The guy who asked me to do it is a good friend, and I'm the "best (only) code monkey" he knows. FUCK MY LIFE.

At least I'm getting payed

Some """friend""" of mine asked me help because he has trouble installing WAMP on a Linux distro.

Me: why don't you try to install a LAMP server instead, you are on Linux, you can do whatever you want.

Him: LAMP is not a thing, this doesn't exist, there's no package called like that.

Me: *sends a tutorial to setup a web dev server*

Him: You are so unhelpful, why are you disrespectful like that ?!?

Me: *having some murder thoughts*

Why do I still reply to these people ?

When they tell you they put all the js code in a `core.js` file

When you spend half an hour long at your code wondering why your do while loop only works once.
Then you realise there is a return just before the end of the loop.

Today was not a good day

Sorry mate, your pants have holes in them.

I have to use the worst CMS in the world.

But here’s the kicker - it’s our intranet and it’s hosted externally.

Some genius thought that was a good idea.

My family members don’t seem to understand that you can attach multiple photos to an email, so they send them one by one, even if that means 10 emails 🙄

When it's 6am and you need to get up at 7am

self eye gouging occurs

Actuall live footage of me trying to install and configure VMware to work on arch at the moment...

(I might be a little fucking frustrated)

Confession of the day:
- I make sure the font is set to Comic Sans before I write code.

Stupid piece of legacy shit needing to silent print without the dialogs in IE on windows 10.

this is proving to be a thing of nightmares.

this has worked for years but no windows need to block this “for security”

windows and security - i would laugh but this is going to keep me awake at night.

Security! I wish clients would listen to me regarding security...

The client has started to ask me to give them access to all the logins I have for the email, domain, server etc.
I created them a new account and gave them admin access.

Now they’re asking for password for all the email accounts (I don’t even store them). So I asked why, she wanted to have them in case some of the employees forgot their password.

I explained to her, deeply and many times, WHY THIS IS A BAD FUCKING IDEA. I also discovered she’s keeping it in a document, clear text.

Why do they pay me for support, when they want to have access to everything...

I’m wondering if they’re planning to find someone else to do their support, or do it themselves.

I didn’t even think 25€ pr month is that expensive for support

A multinational Bank's website :/

HTTP requests in Java... 💀

My kingdom for Postgres queries that run under 40 minutes...

Your Thunderbird inbox file is 8GB and you complain about the speed but still, when I fucking ask you if you want me to archive for you the fucking mails, I get a "Hell no, I don't like them archived because then they are difficult to find"... go to fuck off.

God save me, I have to write UI unit testing tomorrow

Best: I’ve learned A LOT during this year. Some things from devRant, stackoverflow, even the school

Worst: I lost source code of my April Fools game (Super Fernando Bros, I posted a link on devRant about it) 😭

In my free time I like to compile android ROMs for my device, and I couldn't get my favourite ROM, CarbonROM to compile, it was wining about a c file in a directory and I used a different repo, no sound after compiling but hey, at least it worked right?

Turns out there was a new commit that had messed up the compiler, and this commit was live for about 10 minutes, and I just so happened to be repo syncing at that time.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

The "sys admin" is upgrading my PC to Windows 10. He says "It's incontestable and must be done."

😃🔫

Did some freelance work off the books and now the guy is threatening to sue me .. nice

I have an exam tomorrow. I'm stressed out and studying desperately.

My internet just went down.

I don't like WordPress. But my boss want me to do WordPress website...

*accidentally deploys unfinished firewall config
*Flushes iptables
*Accidentally flushes literally everything
*Protocols are drop for all connections and interfaces
*Has to reboot server, ssh in AGAIN, and redeploy from the shite configuration I was fixing

Im learning c++ right now and?.?!!??????

Ever pivoted so hard that you forgot what the original idea was in the first place?

Fuck my internet connection. I really dont get it, sometimes it works fine and I can download small files while using skype without any problem and the other day, without any apparent reason, I always get kicked out of online games, Websites take ages to load and teamspeak audio cuts out. What the fuck, I even closed everything that might take up the smallest amout of bandwidth. It fucking ruins my night to the point where I want to run through my computer setup with an axe.

When you write code in Microsoft word

I'm living it.
I started an internship at this web store made of different pieces and following no apparent rule or convention. They asked me to do this landing page, but I can't access to the development environment, nor push, create a docker, kill myself, nothing. I have to build from the DOM and write with inline style a page copied and pasted, with 300 lines of CSS already in the tpl, overwritten bootstrap 3 and two main CSS files linked. And "they don't do !important".
I wish I could say I'm learning a lot, but not. My life has become a waste of hours trying to please a company stuck and aged.

Today is release day
Today is also the day we add couple of features for the release that will take a week to implement

Life is just won-fuck-erful

I just test in production. /s

Apple, next time you want to get me to upgrade my file system, please FUCKING TELL ME IT WONT LET ME INSTALL WINDOWS USING BOOTCAMP, 9 hours and I’ve only just found the file system that will let me run Adobe Cloud and Windows

Today I spilt a glass of water onto my palm. As I was shaking the hand of a senior executive. He looked at me in disgust as our hands squelched together.

When you work on a web design by a graphic designer, expect to see 12px used for article paragraphs and 9px for navs... And of course, decimal pixels and asymmetric layouts that don't fit in any grid systems... On top of that, layers and layers and clipping masks and all the weird stuff in Illustrator...

One of these days I'm fairly certain a migraine will actually turn out to be my brain melting and it'll pour out of all of my orifices.

Long live that day!

PSA: Wine isn't all you need.

You can kill me now...

.entry-item
position: relative
display: inline-block
float: left
width: calc(25vw - (204px/4) - (320px/4))
height: calc(25vw - (204px/4) - (320px/4))
overflow: hidden

@media(max-width: 1600px)
width: calc(33.333vw - (204px/3) - (320px/3))
height: calc(33.333vw - (204px/3) - (320px/3))

@media(max-width: 1440px)
width: calc(33.333vw - (48px/3) - (320px/3))
height: calc(33.333vw - (48px/3) - (320px/3))

@media(max-width: 1200px)
width: calc(50vw - (48px/2) - (320px/2))
height: calc(50vw - (48px/2) - (320px/2))

@media(max-width: 1024px)
width: calc(50vw - (48px/2))
height: calc(50vw - (48px/2))

@media(max-width: 720px)
width: calc(50vw - (24px/2))
height: calc(50vw - (24px/2))

@media(max-width: 580px)
width: 100%
height: calc(100vw - 24px)

when you dont pull changes before you start making edits...

git pull out game weak

My tablet that I had all my code for an app just took a shit out of no where it was never dropped not even a scratch it just went black and well never went back fuck my entire existence

The real life of me as a trainee developer:

New system works locally but fails to work in production and dev.

Proceeds at futile attempts to debug for hours to find out that my connection strings in the transforms were nested inside logging.