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"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
- DoS Attack17 -
If Chuck Norris asks a duplicate question on StackOverflow, the original question is closed as a duplicate.14
-
Boss walked towards his office asking a coworker to do something.
Coworker replied that he'd like to but only the boss has the login codes or something like that.
Boss: ah right *walks to coworkers table* let me enter that stuff *starts typing*
Coworker: Maybe I'm running a keylogger 😏
Me: *exchanging funny eye contact with coworker* yeah maybe he is.... 😏
Boss: *looking back and forth at both our faces suspiciously*
Coworker: 😏😏😏
Me: 😏😏😏
Coworker: 😏😉
Me: 😏😆
Boss: 😐
*three of us laughing*
😆10 -
!rant
I work from home. Sometimes, my husband remotes into his computer during the day. When I see it, I message him jokingly that someone is "hacking his computer". Then this happens:
7 -
Not a windows hate rant, just a funny encounter at work.
Was configuring KDE on my work pc and got the windows key to work after a little configuration.
Me: YAY I finally got the windows key to launch the application menu bar thingy!!
Colleague 1 (fellow support engineer): WINDOWS?! Thanks for the ear cancer mate 😞
Colleague 2 (fellow support engineer): Hey stop swearing!
Colleague 3 (senior Linux engineer): *grabs nearest waste bin, pulls it open, puts head in and starts to make vomiting noises* *pulls head out: don't do that again 🤢"*
Colleague 4 (senior Linux engineer): *gives me a death stare for about a minute"
Me: *completely losing it* 🤣
I fucking love this place 😊26 -
Stolen from an awesome book but my new favourite line ;)
Someone: “Can you repair my computer， it`s not working anymore?”
Me: “Do you call Leonardo Dicaprio when your Tv is broken?”7 -
To the guy that invented NULL...
Thanks for nothing.
*This is a corrected version of the dad joke originally containing zero.7 -
A tcp packet walks in to a bar and says “I want a beer”, barman says “you want a beer?” and tcp packet says “yes, a beer” .
In high society, TCP is more welcome than UDP. At least it knows a proper handshake.
A bunch of TCP packets go into a bar, until it’s overcrowded. The next day, half as many go in.
A bunch of TCP packets walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Hang on just a second, I need to close the window.”
When I try to send SYNs to chicks, I don’t get any ACKs. Just FINs and RSTs.
IP packet with TTL=1 arrives at bar. Bartender: “Sorry, can’t let you leave…and you don’t get any beer either…”
The worst part about token ring jokes is that if someone starts telling one while you are telling yours, all joking stops.
The great thing about TCP jokes is that you always get them.
The problem with TCP jokes is that people keep retelling them slower until you get them.
I would tell some UDP jokes too but I never know if anyone gets them
The best thing about UDP jokes is that I don’t care if you get them or not.
I had a funny UDP joke to tell, but I lost it somewhere...
The sad thing about IPv6 jokes is that almost no one understands them and no one is using them yet.
I tried to come up with an IPv4 joke, but the good ones were all already exhausted.
A DHCP packet walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says: “here, but I’ll need that back in an hour!
DHCP jokes only work when there is only one person telling them
The worst part of SSH jokes is that, even when they're not funny, you suck it up and just pretend they were anyway.
The problem with token ring jokes is you need to wait your turn to laugh
I’d make a joke about UDP, but I don’t know if anyone’s actually listening…11 -
Teacher : Explain two parallel lines.
Me : Lines that never intersect
Teacher : Good. Can u explain it with an example.
Me : Me and my crush.
*Whole class laughing, still don't have a clue what I said wrong. That's as real as it fucking gets.*
Fucking education system. No real world examples.4 -
I managed to recycle a joke. Here is me using fedora:
:~$ sudo apt-get install vim
Who is apt-get?
:~$ oops sorry, I meant dnf
Who's apt-get?
:~$ sudo dnf install vim
Maybe you should ask apt-get to install it4 -
“My Boss arrived at work in a brand new Ferrari.
I told him: “Wow that’s a nice car”.
He replied:
“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for ''Excellence'', I'll get another one next year”.”
Source:
Reddit
My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Lamborghini. • r/Jokes3 -
A guy is sitting at a bar when the guy next to him lights up a cigarette. Horrified, the guy turns to him and says "hey! Don't you know the surgeon general warns that cigarettes can cause cancer!?" The guy next to him replies "I'm a software developer, I don't care about warnings. Only errors"2
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What do you call 8 hobbits?
A hobbyte!
You've probably already heard this one but if not and your a LoTR fan, your welcome.
Note: 40% of the time this works all the time as a pickup line.
6 -
My penis reduction surgery went really well! I finally can wear regular, human-sized pants.
I also got a USB 4.1 Bionic (for biological, not silicon creatures. see pic related) and they also upgraded my penis with a RGB lights, because everything in 2018 comes with a RGB lights.
They reduced my penis by approximately two pounds — almost the weight of my 12 inch MacBook! And it still a huge fucking pendulum 🍆
Jokes aside, it went really well. General anesthesia is when your body becomes heavy af, you can’t focus your eyes, it becomes harder to breathe and then... you’re waking up, it’s dark outside and it’s over.
Thank you unknown sedative thingy, I really enjoyed seeing about 25 different dreams in just one hour when I slept after the surgery:)
28 -
Me annoying our dev:
Me: “Is your npm watch running?”
Him: “Yes!”
Me: “You better go catch it then... 🤣”
Him: “....”
I think we gatta let him go :(5 -
Doing computer science and all your relatives think you know everything and can do anything tech related.
Aunt: "You study Computer Science?"
Me: "yes"
Aunt: "so somebody called me using a private number I need you to find out who he is and his location"
Me: 😬😬😬3 -
Chuck Norris can write Java without wearing glasses. He can C#.
Chuck Norris can compile C++ with just a word editor and K&R.
Chuck Norris can read the comment you almost put in on line 63 (it would have been very helpful.)
Chuck Norris can optimize programs in binary.
Chuck Norris does garbage collection with his mind.6 -
bool success = false
if !success {
success = try()
}
if !success {
success = try()
}
if !success {
throw new GiveUpException()
}8 -
- "Knock, knock."
- "Who is there?"
- "Mathew."
- "Mathew who?"
- "Math-You could never do unless You had IQ of 184"5 -
This is not facebook, but somehow yhis site has attracted who are virtually, mentally incapable of differentiating between their script kiddy hacker facebook group and anything that can be called a social media platform.
Sorting by recent and daring to toggle on jokes/memes is a pure shitshow of freshly created accounts who post "memes" of the same purity as their mother. And to finish it off they add that super relatable comment "hahah", "funny" and a couple of emojis. Totally makes me wonder if I end up being called comedy god for posting "peepee poopoo" on the site they "shared" it from.
Yes, shared and not stolen for the sake of that little dopamine rush when they see that 4 other people who try to escape their shitty form of reality thought you deserve to be proud for those couple of finger movements you used to put this on devrant and not to jack off.
Not even that spares you from their awful humor, because thanks to their disability to red, they think they can just smash that big red button and post their garbage in the wrong category, yet somehow they have the obligation to add an absurd amount of tags telling you that they've tried to post a joke and I honestly feel sorry for the database table who has to store so variations of "jokes/meme" for this shit.
Thr quality of these memes degrades with each time I open devrant, just like my patience for these shitposters.
I've seen a couple of people who cancled their monthly subscription for devrant, to show their discontent with these user and my urge to do the same has gotten stronger recently.
DevRant as it is right now is on it best way to stray away further from what it meant to be every day13 -
Dad: you should buy a laptop now
Me: But i just upgraded my pc
Dad: all your friends have their own laptop, you should buy too
Me: but i find pc comfortable
Dad: what if you need to work at college? You could carry your laptop to college
Me: dad! Every college have pcs for students to work
Dad: whenever i want to use the pc, i find you there. I never get to use it!
Me: New laptop sounds good to me4 -
Does anyone else have that one friend who’s a wannabe developer and keeps sending you memes about programming which either don’t make any sense or are so old you want to stab him for showing it to you again?
Like the missing semicolon shit22 -
When you discover #C0FFEE is not a drink but a color.
(Sadly it's not brown but a strange light green)3 -
I've been using Vim for like a year and a half, mainly because I dont know how to exit...
Just Kidding!
Ah, I miss Vim jokes3 -
Another non programming related rant although kinda tech related.
So I work in a distribution center and today I learned box packing.
1. THEIR LEGACY ASS SYSTEM ONLY RUNS ON IE (FUCK ME IN THE ASS SIDEWAYS PLEASE).
2. SYSTEM CONSTANTLY FREEZES.
3. THE HAND SCANNERS RUN ON AN OLD FUCKING LEGACY WINDOWS (PRE 2000 I THINK) SYSTEM AND IS SLOW AS MOTHERFUCKING HELL.
Yes, it is VERY frustrating to have to work with this FUCKING SHIT THE WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY.
Plus side today, the locations I had to pick from today included 200, 403 and 404. Had loads of inside jokes about not being able to find locations and not having permission etc 😆6 -
My food-loving other half just said this to me:
Her: "I love you more than pie"
Me: "Aww, that's nice"
Her: "I love you 4.173692 out of 10"
Me: "..."5 -
Lately, I have been seeing more of devJokes than devRant. Even I've got some UDP jokes, but I'm afraid no one might get it.4
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The wife ask her husband to run some errands..
Wife: "Honey, please go to the market and buy 1 dozen of eggs, and if they have milk, buy 2."
Husband: "Ok honey!"
After a while, the husband came back..
Husband: "Honey! Here are your 2 dozen eggs!"4 -
When your boss or client comes to you and asks if it's done, but also has a ton of changes they want to see implemented 😓
1 -
Programming is 10% science, 20% ingenuity, and 70% getting the ingenuity to work with the science.2
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When the new keyboard you ordered arrives at work (it's for at home) and your team lead remarks 'that is a big dildo you got there'. I did fire back by asking him if he was jealous which led to sudden silence. Still disappointed in him, we do rib each other all the time but this feels sexist and inappropriate. I'm used to it and laugh it off but I'd still expected better of him.13
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My friend cracked that UDP joke in an interview!
wham! He's now a networking engineer at Cisco! :D
Moral: Learn all the classic jokes before giving an interview!4 -
🤔🤔🤔. As much as i love jokes on javascript, i hate dumb jokes. Someone just called me a mansplainer (first time i heard that word though).
13 -
Relationships and gaming on Linux have a lot in common. When it works, it's glorious, though it has its quirks. When it doesn't... You let it drive you mad until you decide that the compatibility issues just aren't worth the effort anymore.1
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This is cool!
JaaS: Jokes as a Service, using PyJokes (https://github.com/pyjokes/pyjokes)
Read them all here (available in many languages): https://github.com/pyjokes/pyjokes/...
Have fun sharing these with other devs that are not on devRant. Because if I see any of these jokes being reposted, I WILL DOWNVOTE. (Well, upto a few weeks that is)
Disclaimer: I am not related to this project. Just found it while browsing on GitHub and really enjoyed it, so thought I should share it here :D3 -
Co-worker: Why are you deleting this piece of code?
Me: It's deprecated and it can be made in a better way. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing
Also me: OH SHIT THE ENTIRE PROJECT IT'S RUINED4 -
My dads latest wisdom:
"Back in the days there were two types of people that whisper to themselves while walking down the street:
1. people that are building a house,
2. crazy people"
** looks at me ***
"... and in the recent times programmers are special category"3 -
!rant
Told a friend I was just killing time. He said "I feel sorry for time. People have been trying to kill it for years."5 -
My brother had been using my PC for watching movies and play games and I wanted to work, so I installed archlinux without any DE or WM, now if he tries to use it he might learn thing or too or leave my PC alone!!!!4
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When your mum asks what you are doing and you say "studying Python" n she be like, go n study what will you do reading about snakes....
P.s. had to explain her about this language2 -
As a guy who hates touching anything attached to the name "JavaScript"... Vue is pretty cool. I kind of like it. I suddenly don't hate building a website. I don't recognize myself in the mirror anymore.6
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Friend learning typescript: JavaScript is easy, you do exactly opposite of what you did in java. Typescript is a half baked mess.
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The person who I was closest to in the workplace is leaving and everyone else is a "professional employee" and they make "work safe jokes" that deserves "polite laughter" now everyone looses their shit if I let out the f word. I guess I will have my next free conversation with the goldfish.8
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Writing 'echo var' instead of 'echo $var' in a shell has the result of the system successfully dad joking you
-
I think this guy deserve to be place here.
Translation for kids part
" I will complain to dad about you then you will get punished"
1 -
Interviewer: Tell me something interesting about yourself.
Me: I know how to exit Vim.
Interviewer: We are done. You are hired.
😂😂😂2 -
How many developers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Who gives a fuck the jokes been done before -
!dev
The universe is made of electrons, neutrons, Protons and morons..
You probably know that one but I still enjoy it..
Maybe this one is new to you:
2 guys walk into a bar.
P1: I’ll take a glass of H2O.
P2: I’ll take some H2O, too.
The second guy died..3 -
I drink a lot and of water so I always have two glasses by my bedside -
A full one in case I get thirsty and an empty one in case I don't... -
For all the Java jokes I see here and people bashing the language, are there any Java devs here? If you are a Java dev, do you enjoy it?10
-
Best conversation I ever had with a manager.
Pulls me off into a meeting and in the same breath tells me he values my opinion, must not argue with him and he does not want "yes" men. Lol -
Software developers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problem.
3 database SQL walked into a NoSQL bar. A little while later, they walked out. Because they couldn't find a table.
If the box says:
"This software requires Windows xp or better."
Does that mean it will run on Linux?1 -
WU: Is there anyway we can help u?
Customer: I doubt it, but thank you for using WU.
I feel him on this one, I'm still getting errors when trying to send money.
😂😂😂😂
3 -
Closed MBP and left. Returned to office. Head to a very quiet Starbucks. Open MBP lip. Greeted with a woman's moan. F-ING COWORKERS!
-
My mates and I all like computers and the teachers know this. My friends mainly game and have little knowledge of programing but like to pretend they do (green text terminals, etc).
The teachers always ask what we are hacking jokingly and we usually just laugh. Today I'd had enough with the dry jokes and when one of the teachers asked "what are you hacking today" I told her the truth...
'Last night I was able to bruteforce your school login, simple password which is cute, as expected, you reused that password despite the warnings and I used that to login to your Facebook and check your private messages, I suggest getting a better password Miss'.11 -
I said to my partner "BABE!! There are bugs on the screen!!!"
She screamed.
When she say the actual screen she wasn't pleased .-.2 -
This class adheres to the single responsibility principle: it is singularly responsible for the entire application.
-
If we could lay off the LinkedIn jokes, that would be great. These things are already more stale than a 100 year old bagel, K? Thanks. The rest of the dev community thanks you. 🙄3
-
Bragging about knowing how to hack the company's emails definitely gets you into trouble. And then coming out clean and saying it was all a bluff still gets you into trouble. Hacking jokes in the office is same as a bomb joke in public(crowded) places.
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How do you generate a random string? ... Put a web designer in front of VIM and tell him to save and exit.2
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!rant
What will happen to programmers/developers now days if there's no search engine/internet connection?9 -
Alike wizards are frowned upon to use magic in front of muggles, we developers are to do the same with our programming jokes.
Those muggles shit never get my sorting jokes 😒😒4 -
What would happen if a programmer and a PM had to cut down a tree...
https://twitter.com/i/moments/...
Wouldn't be so funny if it weren't so true... -
is soo cool when people is up to joke around with my bad jokes.
-- Talking with a coworker about a new button in a results table --
dude: hey jhon, I'll name the button 'SHOW RESULTS' and the endpoint will be named that too. cuz there is a 'SHOW STATS' already
me: dunno, use something more meaningful, this is about unparsed results, right? so what about...
me: unparsed results ? unparsed stats ?
me: another one bites the dust? show must go on?
me: innuendo?
me: pick one 8D . But I think innuendo is pretty descriptive
dude: ok
me: seriously, 'show unparsed stats'
dude: got it
-- then the dude sends me the screenshot --
me: LOL, 8D
me: you got my respect man (_ _)
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Alright i make jokes alot of times for fist over ip but damn there's just so fucking many people that it could be useful on. Somebody needs to figure this shit out where i can go dark side and just choke a dumbass no class asshole out.
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Hey guys, today some friends of me showed me this shirt on amazon. I don't understand this joke/ jokes. Can someone explain please?
6 -
Had an skype job interview, at some point the interviewer asked me to tell a joke. I told a dead baby joke. I dont know normal jokes. I am not normal either. Dont think he enjoyed it.3
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To err is human – and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
Found this on reddit once, so true about most people. -
The spanish word for queue is "cola" wich is a synonim for ass, so putting things in a queue can have some unintended meaning here.6
-
What are the odds that Java and Javascript are released within months of each other with such similar names? I think James Gosling and Brendan Eich were just messing with everyone secretly.3
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Women, software engineers make good boyfriends.
Why?
We're not scared of committing. We do it everyday at work. :P17 -
When @cascross123 leave his Mac alone for a minute, me and @addlinny show him how much we love apple /s
3 -
Being a development project manager is laughing at developer jokes with developers and then laughing at the developers with the business folks4
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so I am doing a project with a guy from other country and he never entered on Facebook after my last update. i dont know if it's because of my pink panther jokes in the comments or because of the shit code. it's been 3 days since :02
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I've been working on a problem for the last few hours and not getting anywhere ... so here are a jokes ... coz im bored
What do you get when you cross an insomniac, dyslexic, and an agnostic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
-----
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
-----
I'm addicted to drinking brake fluid , it's ok I can stop when I want
-----
what type of monkey explodes - a Baboom
-----
my brother has. taken being sent to jail really. He has been refusing food and drink, spitting and scratching anyone who comes near and he smeared the walls with his s**t.
I'm not inviting him to monopoly night again. -
When I had to format my desktop it was not recognizing my USB keyboard before BIOS. It was saying:
Press F2 for setting(BIOS)...
if only if I don't have mine PS/2 keyboard I couldn't have finished my work next day.1 -
Saw this exception message in some code for one of my personal projects this morning. "Unable to join table(s) (" . implode( ' , ', array_keys( $this->tables_to_join ) ) . "). Please develop this shit better". How frustrated I must had been to have written that!
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When a coder doesn’t get his morning coffee; don’t mess with him, even the codes don’t try to mess with them. In this programming jokes, relation between programmer and caffeine is explained.
if (coffee.Empty)
{
coffee.Refill();
}
else
{
coffee.Drink();
}
2 -
I find it funny how they try to make it look like I achieved something by buying shit from them XD
1 -
How mamy programmers does it take to change a light bulb ?? None!! It's a hardware problem!!! Old one but best one :D
-
How to differentiate between HTML and HTML5
Sol : Run both of them on internet explorer the one which runs properly is HTML the other is HTML51 -
Me: Will you be my Valentine?
Girl: No way
Me: sudo will you be my Valentine?
Girl: Yes..yes..yes! Let’s go!4 -
I am building a funtime app with full stack concept where I show jokes on famous personalities.. I have few examples from greats like, Jackie Chan, Rajanikanth, Chuck Norris etc... Do you know any other personalities on whom fumourous jokes are famous?
Please name them...And if possible some links to jokes..
P.S. ++ is guerenteed 😁😁😁1 -
This is a PJ :
Teacher: What is 2 + 2?
Me: 22
Teacher: no.it's four
Me: dumbass
Teacher: What does it means??
Me: The pretty and well-mannered answer you give someone if they correct you.
Teacher: Oh! you are a good boy.2 -
I’ve noticed a large uptick in these AI = if statement jokes. Is there a catalyst for this or am I just noticing them more?1
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