Attended one of the best meetups ever. To give you an idea how awesome it was..

Speaker took the first ~20 minutes introducing himself.
His intro card deck kept referring to himself in the third person (he is the only employee in consulting 'company'). Ex. "Mr. Smith began his humble career .."

The powerpoint presentation began with him clicking each page, not executing the slideshow (ex. pressing F5).
Finally someone asked "Can you make slide bigger?"

S:"You can't read that?..um..sure...I guess .."
Starts fumbling around the zoom ...
Dev: "No, can you start the slideshow?"
S: "I don't know what you mean...there...I zoomed it, is that better? Now I can't see my notes..just sec.."
<fumbles again with the zoom>
Dev: "No, not zoom, start the slide show, press F5"
S: "Oh...you want me to F5 it...OK..."
<he *clicks* the slide show button>

Finally getting into code, trying to get out of powerpoint ...
S: "How do I get out of this fullscreen?.."
Dev: "Hit escape"
S:"No..um.."
<keeps trying to click on 'something'>
S:"I see visual studio, but its not on the big screen... "
<keeps click on 'something', no one is sure whats going on>
Dev: "Hit Escape to stop the slideshow"
<finally hits escape, then able to put Visual Studio on the big screen>
S: "Ahh...there, I figured it out."

Speaker had no end of making wild/random statements like:
".Net Core is the future of Microsoft, if you're using .Net 4.5...forget it, its not even supported anymore."
"When I was at Microsoft Build, I asked them why not put all the required .Net assemblies in one directory. Looks like with .Net Core, they listened to me" (he was serious)
"I don't use SQL Server Mgmt Studio. Its free and it sucks. I use <insert a very expensive SSMS clone>, its great, you guys should check it out", then proceeds to struggle to open a query window to write some SQL.
"When you use .Net Core and EntityFramework, you have to write your own stored procedures. If a developer can't write stored procedures, he shouldn't be in this business."

I was on the edge of my seat, hungry for the next crazy bat-shit thing to come out of his mouth. He did not disappoint. BEST MEETUP EVER!

#2 Worst thing I've seen a co-worker do?

Back before we utilized stored procedures (and had an official/credentialed DBA), we used embedded/in-line SQL to fetch data from the database.

var sql = @"Select
FieldsToSelect
From
dbo.Whatever
Where
Id = @ID"

In attempts to fix database performance issues, a developer, T, started putting all the SQL on one line of code (some sql was formatted on 10+ lines to make it readable and easily copy+paste-able with SSMS)
var sql = "Select ... From...Where...etc";

His justification was putting all the SQL on one line make the code run faster.
T: "Fewer lines of code runs faster, everyone knows that."

Mgmt bought it.

This process took him a few months to complete.

When none of the effort proved to increase performance, T blamed the in-house developed ORM we were using (I wrote it, it was a simple wrapper around ADO.Net with extension methods for creating/setting parameters)

T: "Adding extra layers causes performance problems, everyone knows that."

Mgmt bought it again.

Removing the ORM, again took several months to complete.

By this time, we hired a real DBA and his focus was removing all the in-line SQL to use stored procedures, creating optimization plans, etc (stuff a real DBA does).

In the planning meetings (I was not apart of), T was selected to lead because of his coding optimization skills.
DBA: "I've been reviewing the execution plans, are all the SQL code on one line? What a mess. That has to be worst thing I ever saw."
T: "Yes, the previous developer, PaperTrail, is incompetent. If the code was written correctly the first time using stored procedures, or even formatted so people could read it, we wouldn't have all these performance problems."

DBA didn't know me (yet) and I didn't know about T's shenanigans (aka = lies) until nearly all the database perf issues were resolved and T received a recognition award for all his hard work (which also equaled a nice raise).

I know a lot of you already know/do this, but to those of you who don't - I know it has saved me more than once:

If you use SSMS (SQL Server Management Studio) - when connecting to a server, before you hit the "connect" button, under options, choose a color to represent which server you are connecting to. I personally use stoplight colors: red = prod, yellow = QA, green = dev....this way, it helps you realize what server you are connected to, minimizing our dreaded "oh shit" moments....lol

Hopefully this helps someone ☺

Today I come across something interresting in SQL Server.

I was optimizing a report query and in the SSMS windows runned in 10 seconds for 3000 rows.

Put it to a stored procedure took me 5 minutes for getting 100 rows.

I was like WTF?

After some research I found out that the problem was that I was using the Stored Procedure parameters in the query.

Created local variables for the parameters and poof... 10 seconds again.

So if you are creating Stored Procedures in SQL Server DO NOT USE THE PARAMETERS FROM THE PROCEDURE. CREATE LOCAL VARIABLES.

When you go from staring at dark theme VS2013 to sql mgmnt studio all day and you now have a headache. Why doesn't ssms have a dark theme!?

Was running a script to create ~50 config tables for a project. Didn't check the connection on the window in SSMS. Ran the script against the production payroll db. Panic ensued.

Today somebody at work asked why they couldn't change a primary key.

Not joking.

Are you fucking kidding me?? There's a reason SSMS doesn't allow it.. because BAD SHIT HAPPENS if you do.

SQL Server Management Studio: I noticed you forcefully closed the application. Do you want to recover the queries you were working on before you closed?

Me: No

SSMS: Well here you go anyway

Me: *spends 5 minutes recovering and closing files*

So appearantly what passes for the space character in regular expressions in ssms is :b. Sure, Microsoft. Makes total sense. \s was just too convoluted.

Dear Microsoft,

I really like SQL Server, but my dbms (ssms) is like 2 years old, I installed it from a predownloaded exe we had.
Can you please let me download the update without asking me to register?
Everyday for the last years I had to see the update notification and resist the urge to click it and be prompted with a login page

Dearly, a Linux user who develops in .NET, sometimes

SSMS dark theme - That is not a 12 step fucking program. ...That'd be great.

I fucked around forever with changing every little thing but it gets quirky after a while. Highlighting for one...

Can't the SSMS team have a fucking lunch with the VS team and work out some minimal arrangement?

SQL Server Management Studio (SSMS) is fucked up. I believe they really need to get their fucks together. Piece of shit!

Just started a small mongodb project. I'm already missing t-sql now. Microsoft SSMS rocks!😢

SSMS 18 just removed my DEBUG button.
...
...
...
...
...
...
Why...

Anyone have links to an in depth explanation on how SSMS connects to a server?

For some reason [RemoteServer]\[InstanceA] is connecting to localhost\[InstanceB] for me and I have no idea why.

Why the fuck do I have to start an SSMS data import wizard all the way back to the beginning when it fails?

- C# call to SQL Server takes forever.
- Running the same sql in SSMS is nearly instant.

Please SQL Server God, grant me strength to understand your ways.

I always forget it's a bad idea to run queries in an "edit table" view in SSMS. Just blew up my table cause it decided to add an unwanted cross join in my update statement.

Ran it in a fresh query window and it worked fine.

STRING_SPLIT for the mother fucking WIN!!!

I just fucking rage quit SSMS...
Was trying to call a long named stored procedure and started typing the name when suddenly, autocomplete pops up with the name of the procedure.
I'm like hell yeah, I press tab to complete it, it appends the name to what I already wrote...
I delete it, start writing again, pops up again, I press down to select it and press enter, it appends it again.
*Ragequit*
Who the fuck QA'd that?

Quotes typed in Outlook are not the same as quotes typed in Visual Studio, or SSMS. Just so you don't spend hours trying to figure out WTF is wrong with you code, only to face palm.

I have scheduled job in ssms , but on scheduled time stored procedure are not executing, but when I run it manually that time it is executing correctly.
Can anyone help me resolve this problem