Roses are red,
violets are blue;
If I were a query,
I'd SELECT * FROM you;

Picked up a legacy site to re-build, turns out just adding:

'?admin=1'

to the query string gave you full admin rights to the entire site without having to authenticate. The site was live for 2 years.

And the most useless function of the year award goes to...

Pixel Nazi - Add a little media query

I need new friends.

Me: Just Google it..

Friend:
Opens browser (home page is some ad-riddled crap)

Types "Google" in address bar

(Google search page opens)

Clicks first result (google.com)

Types search query.

Me: 😶🔫

The DNS server I'm writing in PHP (largely taken from another project) is starting to work!

Next to just blocking queries it logs every blocked query so I can have stats :3

A little terminal output:

learn how to Google properly!
no seriously, learn how to query well its important asf!

When I was an intern, I wrote a very heavy MySQL query with multiple joins. Quite frustrated, I asked for some help from one of my seniors.

He came by on my desk and told me, "Explain your query!".

I was completely blank-faced O_O.

After a few moments, the senior grabbed this hopeless bastard's keyboard and typed "EXPLAIN" in the beginning of the query; and then ran it.

I thought he was being hard to me.

DELETE from tablename
WHERE condition

Once forgot to add condition statement in the query.

Shit.

This is real.

String query = "select password from users where username = " + username;

Query for the clients and some people

Had a database engineer tell me that he put a minimal delay of 15 seconds on every query, so that people don't come complaining to him that the database takes longer than usual

Client(On Call): I emailed some query a day before. I got a response too. But, i am not able to find answer of my specific query.

Me: Let me check that for you. Yes, it is there. See the mail carefully.

Client: No. It's not there.

Me: Can you read the whole mail for me?

Client: Sure. *Started Reading* Oh yes. Yes. it is here. *Hangs up the Phone.*

Me: Sigh.

I've seen native SQL query in JavaScript sent to the backend to execute

When you see a web service API accepting a SQL query in one of its JSON fields and the evil starts growing within you..

DROP ALL DATABASES

Just because you can!

You know you're fucked when google returns less than a page of results on your short three word query. The first result is the only question on SO related to your problem un-answered for two years and the rest of them are in Chinese or Russian.

*opens new tab*

*types 'google' into URL bar*

...is navigated to google home page...

*proceeds to enter desired query into the same URL bar*

Time for an actual rant:

During an internship I heard from my PM that my assignment for the week after was going to be working on a specific sql query to add some features and fix some bugs.

When talking with colleagues about that assignment later, they laughed and referred to the query as the "query of doom" (QoD), naive as I was back then, I thought that one of my colleagues had the QoD displayed on his screen because the query he was working on looked rather large (about 20 lines). They all laughed and told me I was in for a treat.

Starting my assignment the week after I was horrified to find out the QoD was huge, and by huge I mean, printing that specific query resulted in 8 A4 pages font size 10, front and back.
There were over a 100 union statements, no proper aliases, no documentation, not a single foreign key in the entire database, naming that makes no sense. And everything written manually by 10 different developers over the past years, who all fell of the face of the earth.

And this was only the query of doom. The entire product was a complete clusterfuck of forms with a queries directly behind action buttons, because we weren't allowed to make classes (yes you read that correctly. We couldn't make classes, unless we had a very compelling reason). Everything was created by over 30 different devs who only managed to stay just long enough to get some work done.

And all of this was the result of a PM who didn't believe in frameworks, ORM's, OOP, classes, ... because that made the software slow. To this day he still manages that product, but I'm glad that I quickly decided to move on.

Every hour or so someone shows up at my desk requesting a query to be executed.

I feel like I'm just a human-sql interface.

23 joins in one SQL query, aliased from a to t kill me now.

$search = $_GET ['search'];
$table = $_GET ['table'];

$query= mysqli_query ("$search FROM $Table");

😲😲😢😢

At the moment I'm trying to optimize a slow old MySQL query from a project I made several years ago. The execution time is in excess of 55 seconds. Not good :(

After about an hour of experimenting I finally set a good index and reduced the time to < 3 seconds.

Chuffed :)

Why did the SQL query stop working?
.
..
...
....
.....
It was part of a UNION.

*creates table in database*
*writes query to retrieve data*
*gets error and Google's problem for 2 hours but no luck*
*in frustration, takes a half hour break*
*checks database for set up issues*
*realizes that the database is the wrong fucking database*
*face palm & quits fucking life*

I make dumb fucking mistakes like this way too much

How do I query the database?

SELECT * FROM programmers WHERE attr='no_gf'

Query took 6 months.

SO: How to ... in JavaScript?

Answer: use jQuery!

SO: How to ... in JavaScript without jQuery?

Answer: use jQuery!

Me: ffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu I hate j-f*cking-query, I don't want to learn it!!

When the function named getData() is a post query 😭🔫

That moment when you google the error...
find the same query on three different sites...
realise that all three were posted by the same user...
and all three are unanswered.. 😑

My boss is a grumpy 25 year oldish "Mr. I know it all". We all hate him for that attitude.
Just joining recently, the code base which I got introduced to was totally new and I was overwhelmed.
Boss told me to write an Sql query to wipe the table data. I being reckless wrote a query to wipe the table only and submitted it to my boss.
Few hourse later we were informed by our peers that a certain url was not working. On further investigating we found out that my boss carelessly copy and pasted my query and executed it which wiped an important table clean.
Now he doesn't talk to me straight and I can't look him in the eye because obviously I burst into laughter.
Job well done☺️

"I forgot the WHERE clause in my update query"

Worst part of being a database dev:

It is arguably the least sexist dev job out there.

Don't think anyone is going to be interested in how you 'reduced the runtime of a query from 30 minutes to 5 minutes for a front-end app used by an important client' or 'used the data dictionary to better handle resource management for important transactions.'

Fucking hell, the devs before write a query that pulls 30ish column for a report. When I break it down MANUALLY, since it’s a spaghetti on top of another spaghetti, you only need 6. Fuck you, did you dropped your head when you was a kid? Fuck sake, and every query is written in stored procedure even though you’re using an entity libraries

Someone, somewhere, has a device <= 100px width used for browsing.

AND A QUERY IS READY FOR IT

You never estimate the importance of backups until you forgot the WHERE statement on a DELETE query.

Today, for fun, I wrote prime number generation upto 1000 using pure single MySQL query.

No already created tables, no procedures, no variables. Just pure SQL using derived tables.

So does this mean that pure SQL statements do not have the halting problem?

Putting an EXPLAIN over the query I could see how MySQL guessed that the total number of calculations would be 1000*1000 even before executing the query in itself and this is amazing ♥️

I have attached a screenshot of the query and if you are curious, I have also left below the plain text.

PS this was a SQL problem in Hackerrank.

MySQL query:

select group_concat(primeNumber SEPARATOR '&') from
(select numberTable.number as primeNumber from

(select cast((concat(tens, units, hundreds)+1) as UNSIGNED) as number from

(select 0 as units union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) unitsTable,
(select 0 as tens union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) tensTable,
(select 0 as hundreds union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) hundredsTable order by number) numberTable

inner join

(select cast((concat(tens, units, hundreds)+1) as UNSIGNED) as divisor from

(select 0 as units union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) unitsTable,
(select 0 as tens union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) tensTable,
(select 0 as hundreds union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) hundredsTable order by divisor) divisorTable

on (divisorTable.divisor<=numberTable.number and divisorTable.divisor!=1)
where numberTable.number%divisorTable.divisor=0
group by numberTable.number having count(*)<=1 order by numberTable.number) resultTable;

I just want to say this place is AWESOME! 100% better than Reddit and 1000% better than SO. Not sure how I found it....oh yeah I was googling a question on how to do something in JIRA and used the 'f' word in my query.

Forgot to add a WHERE clause in my UPDATE query for Prod DB, that contained 100K+ Records.

FML

Epic Answer ever.... Laughed to the core...

Password hashing using md5, it is 2016!! I have seen a sys admin update a user password using a MySQL query

I just rewrote a linq-2sql query which cut the execution time down from 17 minutes to 20 seconds! I felt like a genius for all of five seconds, until I realised it was me who had written the original query... Now I don't know if I'm an idiot or a genius...

I was searching through StackOverflow when I found this guy:
He is using a "dot operator" in LINQ at the end of the Query
Example:
a.Where().
Select();
Not
a.Where()
.Select();

How barbaric

Ran update query on 1m+ record without where clause. Thank god I missed the commit command or else today would have been my last day.

Apparently `= NULL` is not a thing in mysql, instead you have to use `IS NULL`... Took me a while to figure out why the fuck my query wasn't returning any results.

166 lines of if else hell just to decide between prod and sandbox.

Run the same query multiple times to get the same data.

And that's all written by our code review team lead.

What a mess.

Today my boss told me that i missed the '*' in the delete from x SQL query..

YAY a JOIN query (MySQL) just ran successfully at the first try for the first time of my life!! I never understood joins but slowly getting there I guess :)

Arts and crafts: developer version.

Context: spent all day making an ER diagram from an awful SQL query I was handed. Got sick of asking for it from the contractor who made the DB.

Yes, that's one query.

Spot the errors...

When you're searching the missing parenthesis of your MongoDB query 😂😂😂

Customer: Can you do a database query for me?

Me: Made the query and send them the result as a csv-file.

Customer: Is it possible to send it as an excel-worksheet because the columns don't have the right width.

Me: Resize the columns to the right width, saved it as xlsx-file and send it back.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Such a classic joke. Apt for a Friday! :D

Always use SELECT-query with the same conditions before you DELETE/UPDATE in a production database.

What manner of imbecile writes a password reset function that passes the email and password as god damn query parameters, in the email link....

So, today I asked my senior developer a query he took my laptop and changed the ide theme to black.

My doubts were solved, I am enlightened programmer now.

Senior showing fellow intern what SQL injection is on the app the intern created :
Senior : "then I hit enter and the query get executed and...
Intern : "don't you dare hitting enter!!!"

that moment when you realise the ID column in the DB has no auto increment on it after sending a 900k lines query... FML

Never forget the where clause in an UPDATE query.......

Web Developer with no common sense: “I’m going to query the currency calculator API for each of the 1000 records to convert.”.

Web Developer with common sense: “I’m going to query the currency rates API and use the calculation to convert each of the 1000 records.”

Was my prev dev fucking high or what?
Who names an UPDATE Query as delete.
That shitfuck deserves a special place in hell.

According to my predecessor, nothing showcases your SQL skills quite like generating the entire page (markup, JavaScript and all) from a single 2500 line query.

Today I come across something interresting in SQL Server.

I was optimizing a report query and in the SSMS windows runned in 10 seconds for 3000 rows.

Put it to a stored procedure took me 5 minutes for getting 100 rows.

I was like WTF?

After some research I found out that the problem was that I was using the Stored Procedure parameters in the query.

Created local variables for the parameters and poof... 10 seconds again.

So if you are creating Stored Procedures in SQL Server DO NOT USE THE PARAMETERS FROM THE PROCEDURE. CREATE LOCAL VARIABLES.

Devs that think they're better then you in coding.

We were complaining on how bad the code of our teacher was. He showed us how to connect php to mysql, so he splittef his code into multiple powerpoint slides. On one slide there was the mysqli connection variable called '$conn', on the next slide there was the same code where the same variable was called '$link'.

So we were complaining about it when one of my classmates came out with 'yeah like when he executes a query, you can't save the query in a variable in a string an then pass it to the query() function'.

I spent a good 10 minutes explaining him that you can and doing so your code will cleaner.

He continued to say that I should let use php to real coders, and continue to focus on my shit java.

I was crying from laughing.

Things like this make me feel good about myself. Update: moments after taking this picture, he took it down. Have any of you ever asked a stupid question like that? And, well, how did you know you when you got "good" at programming?

Ended in an UPDATE without WHERE query to a core table in a Drupal project (in a dev database stored in the same server that production database was)

We have a portal which uses Windows Integrated auth that lists out all off our internal sites.

Navigating to any of these produces a URL like the one in the attached image.

Turns out all our internal application use a base64 encoded email address in the query string as the means of authentication.

So, anyone can authenticate themselves as another employee within the company by simply changing the query param value to said employees email address.

Fucking nuts.

When your cat jumps on the table, walks on the keyboard and runs an improbable query.

SQL query walk into a bar and sees 2 tables;

approaches them and says, can I JOIN you?

"Knowing" Bootstrap or Foundation is not the same as knowing CSS. If you claim to know css and you can't even tell me what media query is or how to make a page even semi-responsive without a css framework, please do everyone a favor and fuck off.

I just saw the code of a guy who queries the database in the class construct *facepalm*

"Ok the query looks good, lets execute it"
--executes--
"WAIT FUCK CANCEL IT"

Sometimes I wished people had a REST endpoint to query their (mental) status ....

Omg whhhy do things change so much from Laravel 5.x to 5.4? Tutorials are useless! And Google, I love you, but giving me laravel 4 answers as top results for my query specifying 5.4 is just infuriating!!!

So these motherfuckers... they have stored the queries to generate the reports... fucking guess where. Just guess.

They stored the queries AS FUCKING STRING DATA IN THE TABLE. And you know how they get the parameters? A FUCKING JOIN WHERE THEY HAVE STORED THE PARAMS AS DATA IN ANOTHER TABLE.

So you query set the params to query to get the query to get that is joined with a query to get the reports.

If God is a programmer after all y’all are fuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked

Just had to drop a little over a thousand entries from a DB because I forgot to add a "gender" field to an account scraper.

Literally the reason this thing exists is so I can query something based on gender

🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

Correct data entry is essential to maintain an orderly database and clean code.

It's e-commerce. If someone is going to order something, they will order at least 1 of the thing. Therefore, logically, the minimum quantity for a product will be at least 1. So why the heck do some products have a minimum quantity of 0 (zero) and multiple places in this (horrible) code base have conditions like `$minQty = $minQty < 1 ? 1 : $minQty`???

I quickly wrote an UPDATE query to fix my local installation, removed the conditions, and submitted a PR with the query.

It may be small, but every little bit helps.

1. Plans to reactor some code
2. Formats SQL nicely
3. Entire software stops working
4. After almost an hour finds string.replace() called on the SQL query matching exactly one space
5. (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

When you open another persons function to see if there’s an obvious way to get better performance out the the query on to close it and walk away for some coffee and wish you never looked.

If I look at this monster any longer I’m going to be forcing myself not to rewrite it from scratch.

Just spent 30 minutes confused as hell because an API call I wrote just randomly stopped working.

Forgot that I hardcoded an ID for testing purposes and then ended up creating a new object with a new ID.

Needless to say... they didn't match. Explains why my query retrieved zero results.

Previous dev needed to validate new user names as unique. His solution? Query Top 1000 rows and do a string comparison. Totally scalable, amirite?

Have a query that runs in 01:58 and returns 517860 records. Rewrite it a bit for performance reasons, try running again, now it runs in 01:17 and returns 517870 records. Where the hell did I pick up those extra 10 records on that many total records?
I hate optimization...

I've been working on a proof of concept for my thesis for a few days and the async query calls drove me nuts for quite a while. I finally managed to deliver all query results asynchronously while still very much relying on a strong architectural design pattern. I am filled with caffeine, joy and a sense of pride and accomplishment.

When you only get 5 results from Google for your Query😓😓

Twenty five goddamn minutes finding an incorrect quote mark in a bloody massive query of mySQL, I need a beer.

My friend once told me, that when he was trying really hard to find an error on his code (which caused the app couldn't run), he didn't get any of syntax error.

But when he try to skim the query, he found a little query typo that cause the long development delay due to that error. He mistyped SELECT as SELET.

For you who don't get the joke. SELET, in my language (Javanese Language), means ASS/BUTT/ARSE. My friend felt like to be cursed by his own code, after searching the error.

Client called with a query regarding her email client. Said to me during the conversation, "I've got yozzamite". Took me a few moments to realise that she meant Yosemite.

Oh hell yeah. I just spent a good few hours optimizing an ok mySQL query and made it so much better and faster. Inner join ftw!!

I was just wondering guys. If all developers speak English.

By speak English I mean easily able to communicate at a basic level because from what I know... all programming language had their base vocabulary in English language.

Just wondering!?

Love those moments when you’re refactoring legacy code and manage to put logic of 50 loc with bunch of loops and conditions into single sql query.

Well that's... an interesting way to check for three characters repeated in a row...

Anyone use anything other than Chrome or Firefox? I use Opera

When I need help with JavaScript, I google 'JS (insert query here)...'

When I need help with Go, I have to google 'Go programming (insert query here)...'

The extra term 'programming' is so search engines recognise I'm looking for answers related to the Go language.

Ironic, but Go is the least 'search engine friendly' language. Sites like O'Reilly and Packtpub return searches with uneven results.

who the fuck names their table aliases a, b, c, d... in a long query

Wrote a long SQL query yesterday for some data I was exporting. It was just about finished and figured I would wrap it up in the morning.

PC reboots overnight. Never saved the query.

// Rookie mistake

query for ladies

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Ok so I was fetching some JSON data from a SQL database server and loading it on the front-end. Every single data is being loaded onto the table except for a single data column, which is empty.

Hmmm... So I go and check my code... everything looks fine.
Then I console.log the JSON (using .stringify() of course), all the values from the table are present in the printed out JSON.

Ok, now I am really pissed.

Long story short...
I had misplaced a single 'i' in the SQL statement, I had included the 'í' (the i-acute) character instead. And since I was using an alias in the query statement, no error was shown.

Struggling to write the query with query builder for an hour, gave up and wrote the raw query in 5 minutes.

- Knock Knock
- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Your mysql query callback
- Your mysql query callback

I'm seriously working with a system that saves the password AND the confirm password In the database... varchar field, copied info, no wonders it takes half an hour to make query.

When you find an extremely cool SQL query online but instead of returning the high-five your wife turns around and walks away, shaking her head mumbling

Was showing the new guy how to write a fairly simple database query with a couple of joins.

Spent 3 hours trying to figure out why it didn't work.

Finally discovered that I had randomly chosen one of the 3 records (out of a possible 15,000+) that had leading white space.

Ctrl-Z back to the first query I wrote (3 hours ago), and it works perfectly.

New guy learns a more valuable lesson than I originally intended.

When the previous dev has written all datetime query lookups by date only, resulting in any values for the ladt day of the month to not be included.

THANK YOU.

Same wanker has copied and pasted same 100 lines of code over and over and literally changed one value in between. Obviously never heard of a function.

Made a SQL query wich perfectly worked. Than added one collumn to be selected and everything is shit.

And the worst is I still don't know why! Ò_Ó

When the guy with his master's who's job you were told you weren't qualified for performed the following all in one query:
1. A massive many to many join on a 4 million row table.....to itself on in inner query through a linked server.
2. Decides to try and join this massive inner query (see step 1) to another table on a second many to many join.
3. Writes a function for month. Yes instead of month(literallyadate)

Then this guy emails me to ask if I can optimize it because we yelled at him for trying to insert 216 GB of data into a table (again on a massive many to many joined disaster). We told him if a query was taking more than 40 minutes we needed to see it.

I regret saying that now...should have just bought more space ;)

"Okay, my query uses wrong date format."

"Why the hell I´ve put that join there? That´s not needed!"

"Why the hell I´ve joined the tables in THAT order?"

Joys of looking at your old code.

Quick survey: What do y'all like being referred to as? (Engineer, programmer, developer, etc.) I like developer but I find that people rarely get what that means

I tried developing an API based on some other ones that would query my school's timetables faster than our app.
It worked.
I'm proud now.

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

I named an alias variable feedItem in my database query but I keep accidentally typing feetItem. I have no one to blame but myself.

I was working yesterday, writing a calculus with sql.
My very great user explained to me the math in Excel. I first though to myself, piece of cake, i got it.
Then I started typing and at the end of the day i had 6 temp tables which at some point need to join with themselves. It was just hilarious. each table had at least 4 millions rows.

Then I started a new query just for validating the output of me very ugly previous queries.
And I fucking found a easier way to get the same output with 3 joins of 3 different tables and a count at the end.

When you love yourself. but hate yourself at the same time.

xD it was a very productive Friday night

Anyone here use Go? Just wondering...

I remember it was Friday, 30 minutes before leaving the office when suddenly someone from the upper management directly asked for my help to mass update something as it is important. By that time our CMS is not capable of doing this so I had to do it straight in the live database.

It was an update query and I decided to type the query in notepad first. when i pasted it in the terminal i didn't noticed i missed the "where" part so i mass updated the status of all our records dating 3 years back.

fuck.. please take note it was on a Friday night.

Wrote a SQL stored procedure today to do a complicated query. Decided to make it so that I could pass multiple records into the stored procedure in comma separated format, but the damned thing would only pull the first record. The query worked fine outside the procedure but it wouldn't pull anything more than the first record. After deleting and recreating and spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong I realized I changed the length of the wrong parameter. Set the correct one to varchar max and it was all good. 30 minutes of my life I will never get back.🐘💨

A one of my co-workers today said he once witnessed a 20,000 line SQL query. Is that even a thing? What does it do?

Spent the entire morning updating a SQL query.

Client wanted to have different expiration times for different products. So the full package would be 1 year of access and a module would only be 6 months. Then when you renew your account the renewal is 1 year if you have the full package else it's 6 months.

The query takes 0.7s to run and left joins 3 tables. Only to return about 100 results. Still it's faster than the guy who wrote the original query which just dumped the hole db into memory then looped through it appending valid entries to a new array.

Working in my local development database.

UPDATE myTable SET setColumn = NULL;

WARNING: Unsafe Query.

UPDATE myTable SET setColumn = NULL WHERE 1 = 1;

300 Rows affected.

2nd rant this week on PHP PDO

PHP 💩:
PHP message: SQLSTATE[HY000]: General error: 2014 Cannot execute queries while other unbuffered queries are active.  Consider using PDOStatement::fetchAll().  Alternatively, if your code is only ever going to run against mysql, you may enable query buffering by setting the PDO::MYSQL_ATTR_USE_BUFFERED_QUERY attribute

Me 🤬:
THATS WHAT I’M FUCKING USING. STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING. YOU DIDN’T LIKE THE FUCKING COLONS FOR YOUR FUCKING PARAMATETRS, NOW YOU HATE YOUR OWN FUCKING FETCHALL() METHOD YOU PEICE OF SHIT, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY OTHER ACTIVE QUERIES AS IT’S THE FIRST FUCKING QUERY. ARRGHHH!!!!!

What the actual fuck is wrong with PDO. It bitches about everything 😡.

Chatbot that can reply to any sort of questions, query, etc.

Going through some pretty fucked up shit right now : a string containing an SQL query goes though a 100+ lines function full of if{} else{} with up to 5 levels of indentation, where it replaces some parts of the query with other words... 😱

Found a dumb mistake I made in a query in my project.
Reduced page load from 10 sec to < 1 sec with an hour's restructuring.
Had just assumed it was slow because of my super cheap Azure DB subscription... 🙄

Today I had my first ever prod db fuckup due to too wide where clause in delete query. Spent 8 hours restoring service. It's 02.09 now and I'm finally home, going to bed.

Interestingly enough I've enjoyed this experience...

When coworkers built the shop to allow adding items to cart via url query parameters-_-

/shop/?itemNum=1234&Qty=4

..what?

I almost fired off an update query without a where clause on the live db. I stopped at the last second. I'm now having survivors guilt. Why me? Why was I saved when so many before me didn't make it? 😁

Needed to update one column in table A with data from table B (huge table).

Created awesome update query with join between the two tables.

A few hours later realized all data in table A is already being imported from table B in a query executed earlier in the process...

Some people think that web development is easy because they use framework for responsive designs, they dont know the struggle of manually using media query in css.

Who has replaced a dot with a semicolon while composing a SQL query in php? Me. 😤😤😤😤😤
Two hours spent in fixing everything and a sleepless night.

My client (not an engineer) has asked me access to production database and keeps asking an intern to directly query data from it instead of using the API.

Big company asking me about query optimization during a DEV position interview... Do you really have no one better than me to optimize your queries?

I'm really afraid of your codebase now... Might decline if I pass...

Can someone explain what's so wrong with CSS?

My only issue is you can't set media query variables - which is totally not an issue with cssnext or similar..

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Export data from a database that you've not modeled is a problem (sometimes), I just realized that this DB has two tables to storage cities, the main difference is the id, the other fields are the same in both tables, I hate that kind of people....

Colleague asked me to look at his eCommerce search filtering system as the customer was complaining it was slow taking 5-6 seconds to find results.

Delving into the code deeper, I discovered he was querying the results, sticking them in an array and then sub querying the results looking at all the combinations.

On top of that each sub query looked at the database fields using "DESCRIBE" to then search them each time it found a pair!

The total query count for one page search was 14,512!!!

Why oh Why? One SQL query could of done all that in one go.

I look at other code bits he's done and he's very good in other areas. I just don't get how sometimes a good developer can make such a weird decision? It's almost as if he wanted to make it as complex as possible.

Spent 3 hours on a simple insert sql query for date. thank you pdo data binding...

When you cache index a faster query but your co-worker from other part of the world clears it.... It's been six times now dude

Last year I was asked to optimize a code in our legacy portal (yet to be replaced with the new portal). The legacy system didn't have a design phase. Straight away went to development by whatever developer available at that time.
It was seriously fucked up.

So I went and had a look at the vanilla PHP code that served data for a datatable.
** I nearly fainted **

A query was done to get data from a table without any joins.
Then for loop to display those data.
Then inside for loop, for every single column that gets data from a related table there's a fucking query.
Eg: select * from users where.... to display username. Then again select * from users where..... to display user's email, then another query for his phone number. Then another query to get service providers name, then another to get their phone number.

I think the guy who did it wrote his first hello world app with a bunch of queries and sent it to production. No one bothered to check until 4 years later when it slowed down like a friggin snail.
I'm surprised it even survived that long.

Fuck, really FUCK the fucking MySQLWorkbench on Mac.
Useless piece of shit.
I fucking touched some fucking buttons and now I can't have my view back with query editor, output results, and schema view.

A fucking hour wasted restarting this shit of a tool touching things, nothing. All to execute a fucking stupid query.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK
I NEED to work, not to understand how your stupid GUI works, designed by a cripple mind with poor IQ and developed by retarded

Coworkers query:
select * from (select... From...))

Why. Just why.

Here is a fun little challenge for you all, what does this do?

Does anyone knows about OLAP cubes, Rollups and whatsoever?

I'm wondering if this query it's overcomplicated...

Just trying to achieve a sum of amounts by month on a year lapse

Love it when you have a SQL query that takes 6.3 seconds (which includes processing time) to execute, and you managed to convert to a process that takes just 0.072 to complete

I forgot the fricking ON clause for a important database query. While it didn't crash MY program or greatly effect the performance, I feel sorry for the API that had to deal with the idiotic results of this.

Especially that one request I just spotted, where I just got the answer "the query took too long". That one was like querying the table "females" for males.

Soo fricking sorry 😭😭😭

So, I just got approached by a guy to work from home on a project. I already work in a company as a full stack developer and he is okay with it. He says it'll be kind of like a contract basis work. Basically freelancing. But I have never done freelancing.
So, what are the things I need to know legally ?
Like if I mess up the project or if someone hacks the app I make or if data gets lost, will I be responsible? Also, what if I can't finish the project in time?

I updated all the records about 1000+ because I forgot to write the where clause with the update query and it updated every fucking single row with same values.
~God bless backups :)

2 SQL files each one with a SQL query with 200 lines using 2 databases. Life is hard.

I'm dockerizing this old CMS that needs a database query to resolve URLs for static assets.

Yes, a query for every single static resources. Fuck me.

To all the people who complain about writing a delete or update query. Not to talk you down, but seriously. STOP WRITING RAW QUERIES AND USE AN ORM!

!Rant
Dear fellow front end developer, why?, just why would you use "!important" on every property value inside your @media query?

1) Writing data to database works just fine
2) Query reading back that same data returns null
3) Spend 3 hours to try figure out why that 4 year old select statement suddenly doesn't work anymore
4) Figure out mysql master stopped replicating to read slaves
5) Facepalm and cry a little

Print("Hello World")

When people design a brand new Postgresql schema (case sensitive) using a mix of upper and lower case letters.
Only to then proceed and escape every single table and column name in every single query.

Callback your functions, not your ex.
Hash is for your data, not you,
Query tables, not your loved ones.

My Technical lead always asks one question to new interviewing candidates. "Write a SQL query to find the second highest salary from employee salary table". It's the same question which he faced in one interview and he didn't have answered it.
Sorry for my bad English..

Every time I see the N+1 query problem in people's implementation, I feel like crying. Especially when it's dealing with large data sets of something like 1000 records.

Stop teaching T-SQL on paper. If i have to write one more transactionsafe sql query without a debugger i'm going to fucking kill somebody.

Here is a little Story/Joke:

Once I was doing some work on our sql database and I showed my boss the query I wrote and he then told me that it is way to broad. It does the trick but it searches much more. So he showed me the right query and told me that a database is like a extremely easy to trigger person. So we want to ask only as little as possible to not get the database pissed. Since he told me that, it is now stuck in my brain and I will never forget to optimise my queries :D

My dumbfuck hosting fucked up the mysqlnd installation and it is missing the pdo api extension. All my queries are returning strings for every field. It's easter so no support available. I've planned to deploy the new site in this weekend. Now i have to manually typecast after every query because i've used === everywhere. This will be a long day...

Spring JPA might be annoying sometimes...

public MyResult findFirstByIdentities_CompanyIdAndIdentities_UserIdAndFromDateAndToDateAndFormatAndIdentities_SourceAndStatusInAndCreatedOnAfterOrderByCreatedOnDesc(String companyId, String userId, Date fromDate, Date toDate, String format, String source, Collection<String> status, Date createdOn) {...}

I know I know, efficiency is weeping in a dark corner. Will deal with it later

Tip: if you are doing a semi complex or complex query in Django and you have doubts print the SQL statement and analyze it. i.e print(queryset.query)

Just reduced a query to 1 join instead of two by just passing a list of int's instead of a list of objects.

On my first day at new job, a non-technical person used CQRS word while explaining the system. When I asked what's need of such a complex pattern for simple query type service, he simply backed off. 😝

How the hell does a query that usually takes ~500ms to run now magically takes 2.5h! What changed in 30mins URGHH

Today I wasted hours trying to do a HTTP POST request by using a query string in the URL. After some hours I realised what I was doing wrong. I'm so stupid.

Wow...a talented developer created a 3 via SQL execution plan. The query runs like crap but the execution plan art is pretty.

This developer has an media query break point for each style 912 break points. 304 desktop, 304 mobile, and 304 tablet break points. With 18000 line style sheet.

When you open problematic code and someone actually queried all the items from db inside for loop... And took only one item on specific index... Instead of iterating over items from query result... 😓😓

By changing a single query param any document could be downloaded. Been in production quite a while.

Spent an hour debugging a super simple ajax post. Was 100% sure that everything was correct, I could echo the id that I wanted to delete, got no error but still the little shit was in the database. Turns out it was no echo, it was an die() right before the query...

Six hours of heavy debugging to find out that someone put a fucking coma instead of a fucking semicolon somewhere in the middle of a Google Analytics query.

And accidentally I found 3 other "small" bugs. Reports from the last 8 months are useless.

Why this always happen on fridays?

FUCK rabbit holes real hard. When you spend a week creating a super optimized recursive handler for mapping redundant database row results and you wake up from your coma realizing everything could be handled by a much simpler SQL query done in five minutes. Fuck me, fuck the rabbits creating holes to fall into and fuck Alice for creating the fucking illusion of wonderland.

Is there ever any reason for SINGLE Hibernate SQL query/template to join like 10 different tables, do math, and come out to like 30 lines?

This is not a stored procedure, it's a single SELECT

Need to write a query to find all scheduled reports, sounds easy, right?

Not in a system with over 1k tables all with obscure names and absolutely no foreign keys at all.

tfw you have matured enough as a developer to look at old legacy code (some of which you contributed to) from a hacked together UI Frankenstein kludge and immediately you notice all the security flaws.

How fortunate there is strong query param validation going on...otherwise this would be a veritable shit storm.

A download portal (paid, for GPL sourced software *ugh*) - checking by mail address, query:
email=mail@addr.com
... seems like php code was checking string equality by:

if query == valid_string

WORKED AROUND WITH:
email[]= in the http request

So, remember:
ALWAYS check with ===

DBSole .. Query your database from Google chrome dev tools :)
For lazy dev who just dont want to switch over phpMyAdmin or Terminal for small query

Spent 4 hours trying to make a query work and failed miserably.

Turns out I was using inverted commas around the value.

What the ....

Rewriting the query for the fifth time because the other four I thought were the last time I was gonna need it.

Created whole UAM System in Product for client. After the deployment client asked me
"In which table should I run the query to create a new user."

An Android app to query user details using the GitHub api and display them in charts which can be shared on social media.

WHEN I TRY TO SEARCH SOMETHING *NIX RELATED I NEED TO ADD "-ubuntu" TO EVERY FUCKING SEARCH QUERY

FUCKING *****
AND THEIR SHITTY COMMUNITY

Types google in browser, google gives search result for "google", clicks that, then main google page opens( search bar in center) , here he starts the actual query

TFW when you've been trying to figure out why your apparently flawless JPA database query won't return anything and realize you forgot to populate the database after setting up the docker-image....

Wrote a 217 line script to import/export email templates.

Slightly less painful than hand crafting the 37,000 line SQL query.

Turns out Chrome really dislike to parse, save in indexedDB, query some things, and draw a graph of some JSON file.
Or, you know, maybe, an average response size of 5Mb is a bit too much.

Just booted laravel app, hooked up socialite with Instagram. Come to query the Instagram API and find out I can't do jack shit in sandbox mode.

And I need a privacy policy for getting out of the sandbox mode? Yeah.. for a private app I need a policy to know what's happening with my data. Useful.

App abandoned. Shame.

Searching on Google for some obscure technical possibility but only getting the most common results...And my search query has more words -to -not -include -than -ones -to -include....ugh!

One day, being new in the team i was not sure of all the DB column decodes, asked my senior member to send me decode of a column.
He sent me a 300 line SQL query. Took me 30min to understand it.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Spent 2 days optimizing SQL queries, and then I learned a valuable lesson.

If your database size is bigger than the RAM of the machine it’s running on, every query will take 5+ seconds ☹️

Needed to help a friend with her Bachelor Thesis. She writes in Javascript and needs to synchronously use the result of a postgresql query. The query call is asynchronous.
We did what any person that searches for a dirty solution would do.
We saved the result of a query in a file and load the file when we need it.
Why is Javascript a thing?

Ran a query on a prod server for 50 minutes before realizing I forgot to put my exclusions in the results... Oops.... New query runs in 1.5min. 4500 rows from the potential 340k rows.