Roses are red,
violets are blue;
If I were a query,
I'd SELECT * FROM you;

Picked up a legacy site to re-build, turns out just adding:

'?admin=1'

to the query string gave you full admin rights to the entire site without having to authenticate. The site was live for 2 years.

And the most useless function of the year award goes to...

Pixel Nazi - Add a little media query

I need new friends.

Me: Just Google it..

Friend:
Opens browser (home page is some ad-riddled crap)

Types "Google" in address bar

(Google search page opens)

Clicks first result (google.com)

Types search query.

Me: 😶🔫

learn how to Google properly!
no seriously, learn how to query well its important asf!

The DNS server I'm writing in PHP (largely taken from another project) is starting to work!

Next to just blocking queries it logs every blocked query so I can have stats :3

A little terminal output:

When I was an intern, I wrote a very heavy MySQL query with multiple joins. Quite frustrated, I asked for some help from one of my seniors.

He came by on my desk and told me, "Explain your query!".

I was completely blank-faced O_O.

After a few moments, the senior grabbed this hopeless bastard's keyboard and typed "EXPLAIN" in the beginning of the query; and then ran it.

I thought he was being hard to me.

This is real.

String query = "select password from users where username = " + username;

Had a database engineer tell me that he put a minimal delay of 15 seconds on every query, so that people don't come complaining to him that the database takes longer than usual

Searching SQL with no index.

Query for the clients and some people

Client(On Call): I emailed some query a day before. I got a response too. But, i am not able to find answer of my specific query.

Me: Let me check that for you. Yes, it is there. See the mail carefully.

Client: No. It's not there.

Me: Can you read the whole mail for me?

Client: Sure. *Started Reading* Oh yes. Yes. it is here. *Hangs up the Phone.*

Me: Sigh.

I've seen native SQL query in JavaScript sent to the backend to execute

When you see a web service API accepting a SQL query in one of its JSON fields and the evil starts growing within you..

DROP ALL DATABASES

Just because you can!

I turned a 20 hour per month task into a 150ms database query.

I feel like a fucking super hero.

FYI my super hero name is ThreadPool (see past rant)

*opens new tab*

*types 'google' into URL bar*

...is navigated to google home page...

*proceeds to enter desired query into the same URL bar*

Time for an actual rant:

During an internship I heard from my PM that my assignment for the week after was going to be working on a specific sql query to add some features and fix some bugs.

When talking with colleagues about that assignment later, they laughed and referred to the query as the "query of doom" (QoD), naive as I was back then, I thought that one of my colleagues had the QoD displayed on his screen because the query he was working on looked rather large (about 20 lines). They all laughed and told me I was in for a treat.

Starting my assignment the week after I was horrified to find out the QoD was huge, and by huge I mean, printing that specific query resulted in 8 A4 pages font size 10, front and back.
There were over a 100 union statements, no proper aliases, no documentation, not a single foreign key in the entire database, naming that makes no sense. And everything written manually by 10 different developers over the past years, who all fell of the face of the earth.

And this was only the query of doom. The entire product was a complete clusterfuck of forms with a queries directly behind action buttons, because we weren't allowed to make classes (yes you read that correctly. We couldn't make classes, unless we had a very compelling reason). Everything was created by over 30 different devs who only managed to stay just long enough to get some work done.

And all of this was the result of a PM who didn't believe in frameworks, ORM's, OOP, classes, ... because that made the software slow. To this day he still manages that product, but I'm glad that I quickly decided to move on.

Every hour or so someone shows up at my desk requesting a query to be executed.

I feel like I'm just a human-sql interface.

23 joins in one SQL query, aliased from a to t kill me now.

$search = $_GET ['search'];
$table = $_GET ['table'];

$query= mysqli_query ("$search FROM $Table");

😲😲😢😢

At the moment I'm trying to optimize a slow old MySQL query from a project I made several years ago. The execution time is in excess of 55 seconds. Not good :(

After about an hour of experimenting I finally set a good index and reduced the time to < 3 seconds.

Chuffed :)

Why did the SQL query stop working?
.
..
...
....
.....
It was part of a UNION.

How do I query the database?

SELECT * FROM programmers WHERE attr='no_gf'

Query took 6 months.

SO: How to ... in JavaScript?

Answer: use jQuery!

SO: How to ... in JavaScript without jQuery?

Answer: use jQuery!

Me: ffffffffffffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu I hate j-f*cking-query, I don't want to learn it!!

That moment when you google the error...
find the same query on three different sites...
realise that all three were posted by the same user...
and all three are unanswered.. 😑

When the function named getData() is a post query 😭🔫

"I forgot the WHERE clause in my update query"

Fuck fucking fuck just spent hours and hours looking why I was getting a fatal error. I overlooked a missing bracket in an SQL query. MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

My boss is a grumpy 25 year oldish "Mr. I know it all". We all hate him for that attitude.
Just joining recently, the code base which I got introduced to was totally new and I was overwhelmed.
Boss told me to write an Sql query to wipe the table data. I being reckless wrote a query to wipe the table only and submitted it to my boss.
Few hourse later we were informed by our peers that a certain url was not working. On further investigating we found out that my boss carelessly copy and pasted my query and executed it which wiped an important table clean.
Now he doesn't talk to me straight and I can't look him in the eye because obviously I burst into laughter.
Job well done☺️

Fucking hell, the devs before write a query that pulls 30ish column for a report. When I break it down MANUALLY, since it’s a spaghetti on top of another spaghetti, you only need 6. Fuck you, did you dropped your head when you was a kid? Fuck sake, and every query is written in stored procedure even though you’re using an entity libraries

Someone, somewhere, has a device <= 100px width used for browsing.

AND A QUERY IS READY FOR IT

Today, for fun, I wrote prime number generation upto 1000 using pure single MySQL query.

No already created tables, no procedures, no variables. Just pure SQL using derived tables.

So does this mean that pure SQL statements do not have the halting problem?

Putting an EXPLAIN over the query I could see how MySQL guessed that the total number of calculations would be 1000*1000 even before executing the query in itself and this is amazing ♥️

I have attached a screenshot of the query and if you are curious, I have also left below the plain text.

PS this was a SQL problem in Hackerrank.

MySQL query:

select group_concat(primeNumber SEPARATOR '&') from
(select numberTable.number as primeNumber from

(select cast((concat(tens, units, hundreds)+1) as UNSIGNED) as number from

(select 0 as units union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) unitsTable,
(select 0 as tens union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) tensTable,
(select 0 as hundreds union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) hundredsTable order by number) numberTable

inner join

(select cast((concat(tens, units, hundreds)+1) as UNSIGNED) as divisor from

(select 0 as units union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) unitsTable,
(select 0 as tens union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) tensTable,
(select 0 as hundreds union select 1 union select 2 union select 3 union select 4 union select 5 union select 6 union select 7 union select 8 union select 9) hundredsTable order by divisor) divisorTable

on (divisorTable.divisor<=numberTable.number and divisorTable.divisor!=1)
where numberTable.number%divisorTable.divisor=0
group by numberTable.number having count(*)<=1 order by numberTable.number) resultTable;

You never estimate the importance of backups until you forgot the WHERE statement on a DELETE query.

Forgot to add a WHERE clause in my UPDATE query for Prod DB, that contained 100K+ Records.

FML

I just rewrote a linq-2sql query which cut the execution time down from 17 minutes to 20 seconds! I felt like a genius for all of five seconds, until I realised it was me who had written the original query... Now I don't know if I'm an idiot or a genius...

Epic Answer ever.... Laughed to the core...

Password hashing using md5, it is 2016!! I have seen a sys admin update a user password using a MySQL query

I was searching through StackOverflow when I found this guy:
He is using a "dot operator" in LINQ at the end of the Query
Example:
a.Where().
Select();
Not
a.Where()
.Select();

How barbaric

Ran update query on 1m+ record without where clause. Thank god I missed the commit command or else today would have been my last day.

Apparently `= NULL` is not a thing in mysql, instead you have to use `IS NULL`... Took me a while to figure out why the fuck my query wasn't returning any results.

166 lines of if else hell just to decide between prod and sandbox.

Run the same query multiple times to get the same data.

And that's all written by our code review team lead.

What a mess.

Today my boss told me that i missed the '*' in the delete from x SQL query..

YAY a JOIN query (MySQL) just ran successfully at the first try for the first time of my life!! I never understood joins but slowly getting there I guess :)

Arts and crafts: developer version.

Context: spent all day making an ER diagram from an awful SQL query I was handed. Got sick of asking for it from the contractor who made the DB.

Yes, that's one query.

Spot the errors...

When you're searching the missing parenthesis of your MongoDB query 😂😂😂

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Such a classic joke. Apt for a Friday! :D

Always use SELECT-query with the same conditions before you DELETE/UPDATE in a production database.

Customer: Can you do a database query for me?

Me: Made the query and send them the result as a csv-file.

Customer: Is it possible to send it as an excel-worksheet because the columns don't have the right width.

Me: Resize the columns to the right width, saved it as xlsx-file and send it back.

What manner of imbecile writes a password reset function that passes the email and password as god damn query parameters, in the email link....

Senior showing fellow intern what SQL injection is on the app the intern created :
Senior : "then I hit enter and the query get executed and...
Intern : "don't you dare hitting enter!!!"

Never forget the where clause in an UPDATE query.......

So, today I asked my senior developer a query he took my laptop and changed the ide theme to black.

My doubts were solved, I am enlightened programmer now.

that moment when you realise the ID column in the DB has no auto increment on it after sending a 900k lines query... FML

Web Developer with no common sense: “I’m going to query the currency calculator API for each of the 1000 records to convert.”.

Web Developer with common sense: “I’m going to query the currency rates API and use the calculation to convert each of the 1000 records.”

Official Release of Wikipedia Bot is Here

How to Use: @wiki <Query>

Runs on cron job, every minute.

If there is literally no Wikipedia page for query, still gets a relevant result.

Demo in Comments.

Was my prev dev fucking high or what?
Who names an UPDATE Query as delete.
That shitfuck deserves a special place in hell.

According to my predecessor, nothing showcases your SQL skills quite like generating the entire page (markup, JavaScript and all) from a single 2500 line query.

Things like this make me feel good about myself. Update: moments after taking this picture, he took it down. Have any of you ever asked a stupid question like that? And, well, how did you know you when you got "good" at programming?

We have a portal which uses Windows Integrated auth that lists out all off our internal sites.

Navigating to any of these produces a URL like the one in the attached image.

Turns out all our internal application use a base64 encoded email address in the query string as the means of authentication.

So, anyone can authenticate themselves as another employee within the company by simply changing the query param value to said employees email address.

Fucking nuts.

Today I come across something interresting in SQL Server.

I was optimizing a report query and in the SSMS windows runned in 10 seconds for 3000 rows.

Put it to a stored procedure took me 5 minutes for getting 100 rows.

I was like WTF?

After some research I found out that the problem was that I was using the Stored Procedure parameters in the query.

Created local variables for the parameters and poof... 10 seconds again.

So if you are creating Stored Procedures in SQL Server DO NOT USE THE PARAMETERS FROM THE PROCEDURE. CREATE LOCAL VARIABLES.

Ended in an UPDATE without WHERE query to a core table in a Drupal project (in a dev database stored in the same server that production database was)

SQL query walk into a bar and sees 2 tables;

approaches them and says, can I JOIN you?

When your cat jumps on the table, walks on the keyboard and runs an improbable query.

"Knowing" Bootstrap or Foundation is not the same as knowing CSS. If you claim to know css and you can't even tell me what media query is or how to make a page even semi-responsive without a css framework, please do everyone a favor and fuck off.

I just saw the code of a guy who queries the database in the class construct *facepalm*

At a Magic: the Gathering prerelease tournament (yeah, yeah, stereotypes), on my phone, with a pen and paper copy of the SQL query, as the phone screen was too small to read it properly in full. Managed to fix the bug in the query about 30 seconds before the next game started.

The debugging went well, but the tournament did not; I think I was a bit distracted!!

"Ok the query looks good, lets execute it"
--executes--
"WAIT FUCK CANCEL IT"

Sometimes I wished people had a REST endpoint to query their (mental) status ....

is it just me, or do some people just make life difficult for the fucking sake of making life difficult?

now, lets ignore the lack of sanitised data, lets also ignore the lack of prepared statements, and for the love of god... lets ignore some magic numbers, because I still don't know what they mean yet....

but why! why would you create an array, implode it, smash it into a database query on the fucking fly, instead of just adding the data into the query in the first place.... it's not like you were doing this right to begin with, but this... this is next level!

Omg whhhy do things change so much from Laravel 5.x to 5.4? Tutorials are useless! And Google, I love you, but giving me laravel 4 answers as top results for my query specifying 5.4 is just infuriating!!!

who the fuck names their table aliases a, b, c, d... in a long query

Just had to drop a little over a thousand entries from a DB because I forgot to add a "gender" field to an account scraper.

Literally the reason this thing exists is so I can query something based on gender

🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️

I've been working on a proof of concept for my thesis for a few days and the async query calls drove me nuts for quite a while. I finally managed to deliver all query results asynchronously while still very much relying on a strong architectural design pattern. I am filled with caffeine, joy and a sense of pride and accomplishment.

So these motherfuckers... they have stored the queries to generate the reports... fucking guess where. Just guess.

They stored the queries AS FUCKING STRING DATA IN THE TABLE. And you know how they get the parameters? A FUCKING JOIN WHERE THEY HAVE STORED THE PARAMS AS DATA IN ANOTHER TABLE.

So you query set the params to query to get the query to get that is joined with a query to get the reports.

If God is a programmer after all y’all are fuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked

1. Plans to reactor some code
2. Formats SQL nicely
3. Entire software stops working
4. After almost an hour finds string.replace() called on the SQL query matching exactly one space
5. (┛◉Д◉)┛彡┻━┻

Oh hell yeah. I just spent a good few hours optimizing an ok mySQL query and made it so much better and faster. Inner join ftw!!

Client called with a query regarding her email client. Said to me during the conversation, "I've got yozzamite". Took me a few moments to realise that she meant Yosemite.

Twenty five goddamn minutes finding an incorrect quote mark in a bloody massive query of mySQL, I need a beer.

My friend once told me, that when he was trying really hard to find an error on his code (which caused the app couldn't run), he didn't get any of syntax error.

But when he try to skim the query, he found a little query typo that cause the long development delay due to that error. He mistyped SELECT as SELET.

For you who don't get the joke. SELET, in my language (Javanese Language), means ASS/BUTT/ARSE. My friend felt like to be cursed by his own code, after searching the error.

Approximately 1M record table.
Query response time around 300ms.
Add index to table.
Query response time around 0.60ms.
Feels good 😅

Previous dev needed to validate new user names as unique. His solution? Query Top 1000 rows and do a string comparison. Totally scalable, amirite?

Anyone use anything other than Chrome or Firefox? I use Opera

When you only get 5 results from Google for your Query😓😓

When I need help with JavaScript, I google 'JS (insert query here)...'

When I need help with Go, I have to google 'Go programming (insert query here)...'

The extra term 'programming' is so search engines recognise I'm looking for answers related to the Go language.

Ironic, but Go is the least 'search engine friendly' language. Sites like O'Reilly and Packtpub return searches with uneven results.

I was just wondering guys. If all developers speak English.

By speak English I mean easily able to communicate at a basic level because from what I know... all programming language had their base vocabulary in English language.

Just wondering!?

Wrote a long SQL query yesterday for some data I was exporting. It was just about finished and figured I would wrap it up in the morning.

PC reboots overnight. Never saved the query.

// Rookie mistake

query for ladies

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Well that's... an interesting way to check for three characters repeated in a row...

Struggling to write the query with query builder for an hour, gave up and wrote the raw query in 5 minutes.

I'm seriously working with a system that saves the password AND the confirm password In the database... varchar field, copied info, no wonders it takes half an hour to make query.

- Knock Knock
- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Your mysql query callback
- Your mysql query callback

First month of project we suggest that we test that Entity Framework has made reasonable DB queries because the system will need to handle a lot of records. “Not a priority in this sprint because we need features.” Devs try to get it into every sprint. The last week of the project they want us to dump in a ton of records so they can test it. The N+1 SELECT query issue is on main queries. It is so bad and slow with more records that a simple query causes the container management to auto scale the application on a single query. They can have max 8 users in the system at a time and it will take 10 seconds to do a simple page refresh.

They get on our case and we dredge up all of the correspondence where they completely ignored our advice. Fix it now! We need another sprint. Fix it free! No.

I tried developing an API based on some other ones that would query my school's timetables faster than our app.
It worked.
I'm proud now.

Was showing the new guy how to write a fairly simple database query with a couple of joins.

Spent 3 hours trying to figure out why it didn't work.

Finally discovered that I had randomly chosen one of the 3 records (out of a possible 15,000+) that had leading white space.

Ctrl-Z back to the first query I wrote (3 hours ago), and it works perfectly.

New guy learns a more valuable lesson than I originally intended.

"Okay, my query uses wrong date format."

"Why the hell I´ve put that join there? That´s not needed!"

"Why the hell I´ve joined the tables in THAT order?"

Joys of looking at your old code.

Made a SQL query wich perfectly worked. Than added one collumn to be selected and everything is shit.

And the worst is I still don't know why! Ò_Ó

Running SQL Activity Monitor to find inefficient queries. According to legecy team this is how they think they should query SQL 2014 for a customer.

Ok so I was fetching some JSON data from a SQL database server and loading it on the front-end. Every single data is being loaded onto the table except for a single data column, which is empty.

Hmmm... So I go and check my code... everything looks fine.
Then I console.log the JSON (using .stringify() of course), all the values from the table are present in the printed out JSON.

Ok, now I am really pissed.

Long story short...
I had misplaced a single 'i' in the SQL statement, I had included the 'í' (the i-acute) character instead. And since I was using an alias in the query statement, no error was shown.

When the guy with his master's who's job you were told you weren't qualified for performed the following all in one query:
1. A massive many to many join on a 4 million row table.....to itself on in inner query through a linked server.
2. Decides to try and join this massive inner query (see step 1) to another table on a second many to many join.
3. Writes a function for month. Yes instead of month(literallyadate)

Then this guy emails me to ask if I can optimize it because we yelled at him for trying to insert 216 GB of data into a table (again on a massive many to many joined disaster). We told him if a query was taking more than 40 minutes we needed to see it.

I regret saying that now...should have just bought more space ;)

When you find an extremely cool SQL query online but instead of returning the high-five your wife turns around and walks away, shaking her head mumbling

Quick survey: What do y'all like being referred to as? (Engineer, programmer, developer, etc.) I like developer but I find that people rarely get what that means

Working in my local development database.

UPDATE myTable SET setColumn = NULL;

WARNING: Unsafe Query.

UPDATE myTable SET setColumn = NULL WHERE 1 = 1;

300 Rows affected.

Anyone here use Go? Just wondering...

I remember it was Friday, 30 minutes before leaving the office when suddenly someone from the upper management directly asked for my help to mass update something as it is important. By that time our CMS is not capable of doing this so I had to do it straight in the live database.

It was an update query and I decided to type the query in notepad first. when i pasted it in the terminal i didn't noticed i missed the "where" part so i mass updated the status of all our records dating 3 years back.

fuck.. please take note it was on a Friday night.

A one of my co-workers today said he once witnessed a 20,000 line SQL query. Is that even a thing? What does it do?

Wrote a SQL stored procedure today to do a complicated query. Decided to make it so that I could pass multiple records into the stored procedure in comma separated format, but the damned thing would only pull the first record. The query worked fine outside the procedure but it wouldn't pull anything more than the first record. After deleting and recreating and spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what was wrong I realized I changed the length of the wrong parameter. Set the correct one to varchar max and it was all good. 30 minutes of my life I will never get back.🐘💨

I named an alias variable feedItem in my database query but I keep accidentally typing feetItem. I have no one to blame but myself.

Colleague asked me to look at his eCommerce search filtering system as the customer was complaining it was slow taking 5-6 seconds to find results.

Delving into the code deeper, I discovered he was querying the results, sticking them in an array and then sub querying the results looking at all the combinations.

On top of that each sub query looked at the database fields using "DESCRIBE" to then search them each time it found a pair!

The total query count for one page search was 14,512!!!

Why oh Why? One SQL query could of done all that in one go.

I look at other code bits he's done and he's very good in other areas. I just don't get how sometimes a good developer can make such a weird decision? It's almost as if he wanted to make it as complex as possible.

Going through some pretty fucked up shit right now : a string containing an SQL query goes though a 100+ lines function full of if{} else{} with up to 5 levels of indentation, where it replaces some parts of the query with other words... 😱

Can someone explain what's so wrong with CSS?

My only issue is you can't set media query variables - which is totally not an issue with cssnext or similar..

excellent job google!
very related to my search query, and very related to my personal interests (which you are very good at keeping track of).

i wish nothing but the worst ruin to the perverse execs running this perverse company!

I was working yesterday, writing a calculus with sql.
My very great user explained to me the math in Excel. I first though to myself, piece of cake, i got it.
Then I started typing and at the end of the day i had 6 temp tables which at some point need to join with themselves. It was just hilarious. each table had at least 4 millions rows.

Then I started a new query just for validating the output of me very ugly previous queries.
And I fucking found a easier way to get the same output with 3 joins of 3 different tables and a count at the end.

When you love yourself. but hate yourself at the same time.

xD it was a very productive Friday night

Because, definitely, size shouldn't matter.

Code description for the blind: if the size of this query is loved, then close the database and die.

2nd rant this week on PHP PDO

PHP 💩:
PHP message: SQLSTATE[HY000]: General error: 2014 Cannot execute queries while other unbuffered queries are active.  Consider using PDOStatement::fetchAll().  Alternatively, if your code is only ever going to run against mysql, you may enable query buffering by setting the PDO::MYSQL_ATTR_USE_BUFFERED_QUERY attribute

Me 🤬:
THATS WHAT I’M FUCKING USING. STOP FUCKING COMPLAINING. YOU DIDN’T LIKE THE FUCKING COLONS FOR YOUR FUCKING PARAMATETRS, NOW YOU HATE YOUR OWN FUCKING FETCHALL() METHOD YOU PEICE OF SHIT, AND YOU CAN’T HAVE ANY OTHER ACTIVE QUERIES AS IT’S THE FIRST FUCKING QUERY. ARRGHHH!!!!!

What the actual fuck is wrong with PDO. It bitches about everything 😡.

When coworkers built the shop to allow adding items to cart via url query parameters-_-

/shop/?itemNum=1234&Qty=4

..what?

Found a dumb mistake I made in a query in my project.
Reduced page load from 10 sec to < 1 sec with an hour's restructuring.
Had just assumed it was slow because of my super cheap Azure DB subscription... 🙄

Some people think that web development is easy because they use framework for responsive designs, they dont know the struggle of manually using media query in css.

Spent 3 hours on a simple insert sql query for date. thank you pdo data binding...

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

My dumbass removes a setter and then starts wondering why the API isn't accepting any query parameters anymore

Who has replaced a dot with a semicolon while composing a SQL query in php? Me. 😤😤😤😤😤
Two hours spent in fixing everything and a sleepless night.

Export data from a database that you've not modeled is a problem (sometimes), I just realized that this DB has two tables to storage cities, the main difference is the id, the other fields are the same in both tables, I hate that kind of people....

Big company asking me about query optimization during a DEV position interview... Do you really have no one better than me to optimize your queries?

I'm really afraid of your codebase now... Might decline if I pass...

Today I had my first ever prod db fuckup due to too wide where clause in delete query. Spent 8 hours restoring service. It's 02.09 now and I'm finally home, going to bed.

Interestingly enough I've enjoyed this experience...

Needed to update one column in table A with data from table B (huge table).

Created awesome update query with join between the two tables.

A few hours later realized all data in table A is already being imported from table B in a query executed earlier in the process...

I almost fired off an update query without a where clause on the live db. I stopped at the last second. I'm now having survivors guilt. Why me? Why was I saved when so many before me didn't make it? 😁

Spent the entire morning updating a SQL query.

Client wanted to have different expiration times for different products. So the full package would be 1 year of access and a module would only be 6 months. Then when you renew your account the renewal is 1 year if you have the full package else it's 6 months.

The query takes 0.7s to run and left joins 3 tables. Only to return about 100 results. Still it's faster than the guy who wrote the original query which just dumped the hole db into memory then looped through it appending valid entries to a new array.

Chatbot that can reply to any sort of questions, query, etc.

When you cache index a faster query but your co-worker from other part of the world clears it.... It's been six times now dude

Fuck, really FUCK the fucking MySQLWorkbench on Mac.
Useless piece of shit.
I fucking touched some fucking buttons and now I can't have my view back with query editor, output results, and schema view.

A fucking hour wasted restarting this shit of a tool touching things, nothing. All to execute a fucking stupid query.
AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH FUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKK
I NEED to work, not to understand how your stupid GUI works, designed by a cripple mind with poor IQ and developed by retarded

My client (not an engineer) has asked me access to production database and keeps asking an intern to directly query data from it instead of using the API.

fuck sockets, all my niggas query rest endpoints with setintervals

Stop teaching T-SQL on paper. If i have to write one more transactionsafe sql query without a debugger i'm going to fucking kill somebody.

I forgot the fricking ON clause for a important database query. While it didn't crash MY program or greatly effect the performance, I feel sorry for the API that had to deal with the idiotic results of this.

Especially that one request I just spotted, where I just got the answer "the query took too long". That one was like querying the table "females" for males.

Soo fricking sorry 😭😭😭

Every time I see the N+1 query problem in people's implementation, I feel like crying. Especially when it's dealing with large data sets of something like 1000 records.

Here is a fun little challenge for you all, what does this do?

I updated all the records about 1000+ because I forgot to write the where clause with the update query and it updated every fucking single row with same values.
~God bless backups :)

Something I discovered at work today:

A sub procedure that takes three arguments:

A table name
Column list
Where clause

It concatenates all of those values together and executed the dynamically generated query.

Why??????????

What’s a really expensive MySQL Query? I need to add it to a CMS application for “research purposes”.

!Rant
Dear fellow front end developer, why?, just why would you use "!important" on every property value inside your @media query?

2 SQL files each one with a SQL query with 200 lines using 2 databases. Life is hard.

I'm dockerizing this old CMS that needs a database query to resolve URLs for static assets.

Yes, a query for every single static resources. Fuck me.

Print("Hello World")

When people design a brand new Postgresql schema (case sensitive) using a mix of upper and lower case letters.
Only to then proceed and escape every single table and column name in every single query.

Does anyone knows about OLAP cubes, Rollups and whatsoever?

I'm wondering if this query it's overcomplicated...

Just trying to achieve a sum of amounts by month on a year lapse

Love it when you have a SQL query that takes 6.3 seconds (which includes processing time) to execute, and you managed to convert to a process that takes just 0.072 to complete

To all the people who complain about writing a delete or update query. Not to talk you down, but seriously. STOP WRITING RAW QUERIES AND USE AN ORM!

How the hell does a query that usually takes ~500ms to run now magically takes 2.5h! What changed in 30mins URGHH

When you open problematic code and someone actually queried all the items from db inside for loop... And took only one item on specific index... Instead of iterating over items from query result... 😓😓

By changing a single query param any document could be downloaded. Been in production quite a while.

Spring JPA might be annoying sometimes...

public MyResult findFirstByIdentities_CompanyIdAndIdentities_UserIdAndFromDateAndToDateAndFormatAndIdentities_SourceAndStatusInAndCreatedOnAfterOrderByCreatedOnDesc(String companyId, String userId, Date fromDate, Date toDate, String format, String source, Collection<String> status, Date createdOn) {...}

I know I know, efficiency is weeping in a dark corner. Will deal with it later

Tip: if you are doing a semi complex or complex query in Django and you have doubts print the SQL statement and analyze it. i.e print(queryset.query)

Just reduced a query to 1 join instead of two by just passing a list of int's instead of a list of objects.

a sql query goes to a restaurant walks up to 2 tables and says , "can i join you"

The problem: callback hell. Code would be indented by three hundred fucking spaces just to do some async work. Your code would end with thirty lines of closing curly brackets

Solution: async and await.

The problem, reborn: NoSQL. Code is indented by three hundred fucking spaces just to run a query. Your query ends with thirty lines of closing curly brackets.

On my first day at new job, a non-technical person used CQRS word while explaining the system. When I asked what's need of such a complex pattern for simple query type service, he simply backed off. 😝

Callback your functions, not your ex.
Hash is for your data, not you,
Query tables, not your loved ones.

Do you feel that good too when you find the perfect (any)SQL query?
I feel sooo satisfied!

This developer has an media query break point for each style 912 break points. 304 desktop, 304 mobile, and 304 tablet break points. With 18000 line style sheet.

Spent an hour debugging a super simple ajax post. Was 100% sure that everything was correct, I could echo the id that I wanted to delete, got no error but still the little shit was in the database. Turns out it was no echo, it was an die() right before the query...

Today I wasted hours trying to do a HTTP POST request by using a query string in the URL. After some hours I realised what I was doing wrong. I'm so stupid.

Is there ever any reason for SINGLE Hibernate SQL query/template to join like 10 different tables, do math, and come out to like 30 lines?

This is not a stored procedure, it's a single SELECT

Updating 4K rows in a table with 4M using Libreoffice Calc to generate the queries.

I know, it's not the best solution, but I'm afraid of the single query solution.

Please, forgive me.

Need to write a query to find all scheduled reports, sounds easy, right?

Not in a system with over 1k tables all with obscure names and absolutely no foreign keys at all.

Here is a little Story/Joke:

Once I was doing some work on our sql database and I showed my boss the query I wrote and he then told me that it is way to broad. It does the trick but it searches much more. So he showed me the right query and told me that a database is like a extremely easy to trigger person. So we want to ask only as little as possible to not get the database pissed. Since he told me that, it is now stuck in my brain and I will never forget to optimise my queries :D

Types google in browser, google gives search result for "google", clicks that, then main google page opens( search bar in center) , here he starts the actual query

WHEN I TRY TO SEARCH SOMETHING *NIX RELATED I NEED TO ADD "-ubuntu" TO EVERY FUCKING SEARCH QUERY

FUCKING *****
AND THEIR SHITTY COMMUNITY

DBSole .. Query your database from Google chrome dev tools :)
For lazy dev who just dont want to switch over phpMyAdmin or Terminal for small query

An Android app to query user details using the GitHub api and display them in charts which can be shared on social media.

Created whole UAM System in Product for client. After the deployment client asked me
"In which table should I run the query to create a new user."

Ran a query on a prod server for 50 minutes before realizing I forgot to put my exclusions in the results... Oops.... New query runs in 1.5min. 4500 rows from the potential 340k rows.

So...buffered query kept crashing even though I have a row limit of 10001 on my abstract datatables class. I didn't realize it was buffered because I grab the results in a for loop as a fetch. Well, I tracked it down to being the size of the email content that I'm selecting (and then using strip_tags and substring in PHP before returning to the front-end). So it's totally a catch-22 at this point because if I select let's say...substring 500 characters and most of that is line breaks and other html junk, I may only get a couple characters of normal text (or none at all) after stripping tags and doing a final substring to get the 50 characters of text I want to display. I said screw it and took the email content out of the table all together. You have to view it to see the content now. I should probably be storing a text-only version of the email, but argh..that's a lot of extra data.

Turns out Chrome really dislike to parse, save in indexedDB, query some things, and draw a graph of some JSON file.
Or, you know, maybe, an average response size of 5Mb is a bit too much.

Wrote my first parameterised PHP query today and it worked first time. I'm very happy right now :)

when you give up when compiling

Searching on Google for some obscure technical possibility but only getting the most common results...And my search query has more words -to -not -include -than -ones -to -include....ugh!

Spent 2 days optimizing SQL queries, and then I learned a valuable lesson.

If your database size is bigger than the RAM of the machine it’s running on, every query will take 5+ seconds ☹️

Rewriting the query for the fifth time because the other four I thought were the last time I was gonna need it.

Just notice that google spreadshit can do query like actual sql query.

Wtf each cell is like data as in relational databse.

Wtf wtf wtf.... soooooo cooool

My next db spreadsheet.

Control your searches like an ADULT damn it!!!

So we have records that can have any of a bazillion different reference numbers associated with them. No big deal. Everyone does right?

Our customer's love to run reports and so we have this one option for "just look at a hell of a lot of reference numbers". I call it the 'fuck all' search.

Really it is just there to find something that you don't know where a rando string or number might be in the record and just want to do a "fuck all" search across a number of likely fields to find it... and then presumably you'd be an adult and refine your search from there. LOL yeah right...

Customers get lazy and include that stupid option in their reports and we get a lot of.

Customer: "I always run this report (that includes the fuck all search) and now it isn't working. I want records that have ID 2222."

Me: "Yeah well that was only working because you were rando typing '2222' in like several fields and it would find those .... but now you quit doing that so it won't find them. If you want ID 2222, click the drop down and search by 'ID'. That will find it right away."

Customer: "But I want to just search by 'fuck all search' to find it..."

Me: "But then you get all these other records too right?"

Customer: "Yeah but I just delete them out of the spreadsheet ... "

Me: "Look watch this <screen share> there, look all records with an ID of 2222 and no more extra records you need to delete!!! How great is that?"

Customer: "But why do I have to do it this way now, I want to do it the old way..."

ಠ_ಠ

(granted I could add their ID to the fuck all search but we try to avoid adding too much because it gets out of hand / stops being useful the more fuck all it gets)

Wrote a 217 line script to import/export email templates.

Slightly less painful than hand crafting the 37,000 line SQL query.

TFW when you've been trying to figure out why your apparently flawless JPA database query won't return anything and realize you forgot to populate the database after setting up the docker-image....

Wow...a talented developer created a 3 via SQL execution plan. The query runs like crap but the execution plan art is pretty.

A SQL query goes into a bar, walks up to two tables and asks, "Can I join you?"

Spent 4 hours trying to make a query work and failed miserably.

Turns out I was using inverted commas around the value.

What the ....