At work, we have a lot of daytime spenders (they just hang around so they do not sit at home all day).
I'm the only one in the entire company with somewhat decent programming experience (and I have to admit that I'm still pretty bad at it).

A few (4) of them have been assigned to one of the biggest projects (potentially even bigger than the one I work on daily) the company has ever had.

here is the fun part:
- 2 of them only just started coding and have no clue what they are doing at all (they heavily struggle with HTML).
- 1 of them overengineers everything (in a bad way) because she doesn't know how to do it somewhat properly.
- 1 of them doesn't even code (only sitting there giving ideas n stuff... basically the "client").

As a bonus point:
- None of them knows how to database
- None of them knows how to back-end
- None of them knows how to design

This is going to be fun, especially since I'm going to refuse to have my hands in there even the slighest outside of recommending stuff (like using a framework, certain libraries etc.) :^)

me: *opens dev env using Docker*
me: *makes changes*
project: *permission error*
me: *fixes permissions*
Git: *Can't find a compatible repo*

asdf

Me: *finds bug*
Me: *starts working on a fix*
*4 hours later*
Me: "It's a total whack job but at least the bug is gone"

Tell them you're not interested in blockchain and AI.

1. Give me more knowledge
2. Give me some nice colleagues that have a clue on what tbey are doing
3. STOP MAKING MY CLIENTS SUCH BIG MORONS

Me: "<student> don't forget to go fap n nap in time" (he tends to game until way too late falling asleep during the day)
He: "I'm ready to learn hacking, I have aircrack-ng and A LOT MORE lol"
He: "machanger, anonsurf etc."
He: "wanna see?"
me: "not rly, cus you ain't gonna be using any of them for a looong time"

Had to fill in the internship report for one of my interns...
He didn't look too happy after I handed it to him :^)

For those wondering: All he did was gaming and instead of showing initiative, he just went back to gaming when something didn't work.

When somebody started bragging about his superior coding skill then I said that talk is cheap and that I wanted to see code (for some reason, this pissed her off) and then she started to DDoS me :^)

spoiler alert: she got a huge fine for it AND got fired from her job (whose servers she used to perform the DDoS)

I just send an entire report out to one of our customers this afternoon...
Only to realise now that I accidentally used Comic Sans...

"Got a new soundcard yay, lemme Install it!"
*5 mins later*
"why won't it give me sound ffs, the input works just fine"
*5 mins later*
"Great, sound output works"
*taps mic*
"oh ffs..."
*5 mins later*
"yay, input now works"
*puts on some music*
"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WHINEDOWS!?"

Came home, opened Instagram and I feel this urge to make a rant about these fcking instagram thots that "code".

I'm not against women that code or anything (in fact, if they got the skill, then I think that is awesome), but I am against those special fcking snowflakes that try to get special attention just because they are a female person that is writing HTML and CSS >.>

hmm... I think me dog wants some too

Guys, I'm gonna do it...
I'm gonna try Electron!

Dear JavaScript devs,

Can you please stop with using new Framework(); everywhere?

Sincerely,
A PHP dev

colleague: *does 2 months over making a feature and still didn't get it to work*
me: "this is taking too long, we want to get our new version rolling"
me: *gets it working within 2 hours*

Ehhh.... wat?

> builds portable NAS (useing a pi3) to have some Anime on the go
> connects to built-in wifi of NAS
> android be like: "this wifi has no internet, let me disconnrct for you"

...

A friend of mine (who is French) has made a little firewall for Windows (idk why).
He sends me the binary, so I tested it and got around it fairly easily.
Replied to him: "I have a nice name for it: Maginot line"

Hoozay! I'm now starting to become an adult! (or atleast, that's what they expect of me)

myAge:
.long 19
main:
push rbp
mov rbp, rsp
mov eax, DWORD PTR myAge[rip]
add eax, 1
mov DWORD PTR myAge[rip], eax
mov eax, DWORD PTR myAge[rip]
mov esi, eax
mov edi, OFFSET FLAT:_ZSt4cout
call std::basic_ostream<char, std::char_traits<char> >::operator<<(int)
mov eax, 0
pop rbp
ret
__static_initialization_and_destruction_0(int, int):
push rbp
mov rbp, rsp
sub rsp, 16
mov DWORD PTR [rbp-4], edi
mov DWORD PTR [rbp-8], esi
cmp DWORD PTR [rbp-4], 1
jne .L5
cmp DWORD PTR [rbp-8], 65535
jne .L5
mov edi, OFFSET FLAT:_ZStL8__ioinit
call std::ios_base::Init::Init() [complete object constructor]
mov edx, OFFSET FLAT:__dso_handle
mov esi, OFFSET FLAT:_ZStL8__ioinit
mov edi, OFFSET FLAT:_ZNSt8ios_base4InitD1Ev
call __cxa_atexit
.L5:
nop
leave
ret
_GLOBAL__sub_I_myAge:
push rbp
mov rbp, rsp
mov esi, 65535
mov edi, 1
call __static_initialization_and_destruction_0(int, int)
pop rbp
ret

OpenPGP or GPG?

++ first comment for OpenPGP, second for GPG (shameless ++ farming as well)

Post relevant fingerprints in comments if desired <3

Colleague wants to start programming (he is seriously hopeless, always tries to make stuff look "cool" - in which he fails - and just copypasta everything from youtube -not even SO).
I told him to start making a website in NASM...
he still doesn't realize that HTML is a thing...

What in the name of fuck is this API?

My boss and under-boss apparently think that building an entire CMS from ground (as in, using a framework and building it on that) on your own is a job done in 2 months.

Girlfriend had issue with her Python code (she does mathmatics, not actual programming):
```
t = 51.74636335135748
i = int(t*100) // 5174, wrong value
```
instead of
```
t = 51.74636335135748
i = int(t)*100 // 5000, right value...
```

She asked me if I could fix it for her.
I found the issue but wanted her to understand what went wrong.
She didn't care "because she didn't have time for it".
Well, then it's quite simple for me: I have no time to help her :^)

Yesterday, my new (Irish) co-worker comes to my desk and asks me a question about an issue in his code.
His commenting all done in Irish.
Him: "If you want me I can translate the comments for you?"
Me: "Ní gá, is féidir liom é a léamh go foirfe." ("No need to, I can read it perfectly fine")
co-worker looking at me like: "wtf just happened?"

After a while, I spotted the issue (I noticed the expected output from one of the functions not being of the correct format - an integer instead of an array).
So I fixed it.

Next day (this morning) I came back at work, looked into my food drawer to see what I would eat for breakfast (yes, I have a drawer specifically for food, and yes, I eat breakfast at work), found a small box containing an Ulster Fry :D

Best breakfast at work in a long time :D

me: "hey look, something new and awesome I could use in my projects!" (WebAssembly in this case)
also me: "I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT I WOULD USE THIS FOR"

*looks at awesome tech he could really use to boost his productivity*
*looks at wallet*
*cries*

++ if this is you T_T

Imagine the nooblet hell it would create if Python would throw actual errors all over the place if pep8 has been violated...

If only...

sidenote: I post this rant because I had to help my girlfriend and her project partner (for her study) because partner refuses to write readable code (no comments in the code at all as well) and both refuse to write in compliance with pep8 "because it's useless"

So some student complained that the busses are to full in the morning (they are filled with students).
Student: "why don't they drive more busses?"
Me: "because that would raise prices of busses since more drivers and fuel is needed. It's simple economics"
Student: "Public transit already is way to expensive, they can easily drive more busses and trains for that"
Me: "public transit is already way to expensive.... Oh look! An iPhone, MacBook, AirPods, Apple Watch, Dr Martins and other overpriced shit you have with you now!"

some recruiter posted a recruitment on a public page:
looking for java developer.
Must know: anglar 6, scala and react..