Yes, thank you motherfucker. Please change the fucking specification again one fucking day before the deadline.

These project managers and clients are like little children who can't decide whether they want a lego set or a video game for christmas except little children don't blame santa for their own stupidity.

Guess what? I'm not santa fucking claus and can't do miracles in one day. It's on you little project manager children if we miss this deadline.

⚽ Fuck this sportsball world cup shit. ⚽

Yes, very exciting. 22 people are chasing a fucking ball on a field. I wouldn't even care but every time a ball chasing match is on, their retarded fans start shouting drunk on the streets and the fucking internet speed drops to almost zero because the provider apparently gives extra bandwidth to those who are streaming this highly sophisticated form of entertainment.

You know what? I have something for you to suck on if you are so fond of balls.

I'm procrastinating until I have more motivation or until the deadline is really close and I have to do it anyways.

Believe someone when they say something is done and works as intended.

What. The. Fuck. Did. Just. Happen.

A random girl followed me on social media. She looked nice and intelligent so I followed her back.

Started to chat about some random stuff. She told me she works at the HR department of an international company and asked me what's my job. Told her I'm a software developer.

Right after that she sent me a selfie. Obviously I said she looks nice, she thanked it and asked some more about my job. After a short discussion I received another selfie but somewhere in between she lost the outer layer of her clothing.

She still looks nice but now I'm sitting here utterly confused and cant tell whether it was my sarcastic humour and moderately handsome facial features which charmed her or she just needs to recruit someone for a new project and willing to do everything to reach the quota.

Fuck SVN

Blaming someone else for their own mistake.

I've decided to quit programming and from now on I will be a sales manager.

Decentralized shared deep learning NoSQL AI blockchain VR JavaScript frameworks.

To my 'favourite' colleague,

Feature branches and pull requests are there for a reason. Don't commit shit to production, especially not untested code. And you really really shouldn't do this with untested code _and_ bad configs.

I don't give a flying fuck how good you think you are, for how many years do you work at the company and how deep your tongue is up in the management's asses. If you do shit like this, and you do it frequently, I won't respect you, I won't consider your opinion and I won't back your request to be promoted to a senior. First learn how to work with code and prove you understand what you are doing, then we can try talking again.

Or maybe I have a better idea. Quit working as a developer if you can't _and_ don't want to learn. Humanity would be forever grateful.

I would have answered 'girlfriend' but she broke up with me a couple hours ago. I guess now the tough dev days should get me through the emotionally fucked up phase.

Hello "friend", whom I haven't seen or talked to in years. How have you been? Please don't mind me, my life is boring as shit and nothing happened to me since. Yes, I'd gladly make an app for your company because you agreed to do it but apparently you lack the skills. Oh, you've been fucking around for a month doing nothing? That's sad but sure, I can do it by Sunday, I don't have plans for the weekend anyway. You say you can't pay me more than what I earn in six hours doing my day job? And your boss should think you did it all by yourself? Well, let me consider this cool little opportunity. I'll be in touch, talk to you "soon"!

You know you're fucked when even the lead dev can't think of a decent solution for your problem which is...
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... the most difficult challenge devs have ever faced:
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What should be the name of the github repo for the new module?

New boss is trying to show his bossiness to some of my colleagues. But they don't seem to think he is bossy enough...

Most successful project? Probably a little tool I built to practice programming and to help with my studies in a completely different field. I didn't want to keep it all for myself and shared it with some friends at the university. I would never have expected that a couple of weeks later almost every student at our department will be using it but I'm quite happy I could help them too.

One asshat quit, one more to go and we'll be quite a good team.

Drunk programming is the best obfuscation. Tomorrow morning I'll have no idea how any of this works.

I saw Mr Robot and Gilfoyle from Silicon Valley at the office cafeteria today.

My father showed me MS Paint when I was five years old or so, and I still remember I thought it was incredibly awesome.

My colleague asked for some help with an issue. I went over and the app they are working on was like

going to work be like

Right now I feel like a caveman hitting a dead mammoth with a bludgeon and waiting for some miracle to happen. Well, not "some" miracle but the one that makes the mammoth live, walk and mate again.

Working on legacy projects sometimes make me question all my skills.

You know it's some serious shit when you have ten terminals open on a Friday.

Studying human languages.

They are so much more complex than a programming language and full of irregularities and stuff you can't really learn but have to 'feel'. This helped me a lot developing methods to learn new things quite easily and knowing foreign languages are kinda useful when I have to communicate with people too.

🎶 debug like you mean it 🎶

Black magic.

Manager: 'Please remove this checkbox from that page.'

Me: 'Sure thing, it was stupid anyway. Just gimme a couple of minutes.'

Legacy code: 'LOL the checkbox is wired to everything else and if you simply remove it the backend will shit itself. There is several hundred lines of inline Javascript in the HTML template with some Thymeleaf stuff managing the form data or just are there to make the code less readable. The controller for the page is a bit more than a thousand lines of spaghetti, no easy way to find where is that specific data necessary and where can be easily removed. Class variables declared between methods, dozens of nested if statements checking shit in every method and the data is passed through like half a dozen other classes. Good luck with that!'

Me: '💩.'

Coworkers at the office kitchen always act so surprised when they find out that I like coffee even though I rarely drink some. Well, I just don't need caffeine to function properly. Simple as that.

Fuck Eclipse.

Tom Gauld, master of literature- and science-related jokes, and one of my favourite cartoonists, just posted this.

Source: http://myjetpack.tumblr.com/post/...