Why do the new paper towels in the office restroom smell like bacon? 🤔

Put a counter based on the number and average salaries of the attendants on screen. The meeting won't be more productive but the management will see how much money they are wasting with all the unnecessary meetings.

What's next, "Vim Construction and Renovations'?

I'm going to quit tomorrow.

I've been thinking about this for a while now, took every aspects into consideration but this job is still a waste of time thanks to some fuckwits in important positions.

Now I feel happy, relieved and calm even though they don't have my resignation letter yet.

Never pulled a coding all-nighter. I love and need my eight hours beauty sleep. 😴

An ex of mine broke up with me when I changed my career path to programming. She said she wouldn't want to date with a programmer, I said 'ok bye'.

Guess who has a better career and dated with smarter, nicer, more funny and more attractive people since then 😎

Board games 🎲 🖤

I had a performance review with my boss and his boss today.

After they told me what they wanted to, they asked for my feedback. I was very honest with them and didn't only tell them the good stuff but the things I've been disappointed with as well.

Well, last year was mostly a big fat disappointment for me at the company, both on a professional and a personal level, which seemingly took them by surprise and hurt their feelings because they think it is the best place to work at. Even though I tried to make my feedback as constructive as possible, they didn't really seem to understand the problems and kept saying what a good company this is and what amazing opportunities will this year hold.

And they gave me a raise before I could even ask for it.

A certain custom template engine made by some bored developer who had too much free time and thought he could create something better than other widely used template engines. He somehow convinced the lead dev of the company at that time to use his wonderful creation and it is still there after many years.

Spoilers: it is not better than the template engines he copied the features from, and it somehow fucks up certain parts of the css and javascript which makes it a real pain in the ass to work with.

Found this 2 years old beauty today:

public boolean hasPermission(User user, Permission permission){
// TODO
return true;
}

The author quit last year.

Best career choice? Probably that I abandoned my previous "career" and became a developer.

Yes, thank you motherfucker. Please change the fucking specification again one fucking day before the deadline.

These project managers and clients are like little children who can't decide whether they want a lego set or a video game for christmas except little children don't blame santa for their own stupidity.

Guess what? I'm not santa fucking claus and can't do miracles in one day. It's on you little project manager children if we miss this deadline.

⚽ Fuck this sportsball world cup shit. ⚽

Yes, very exciting. 22 people are chasing a fucking ball on a field. I wouldn't even care but every time a ball chasing match is on, their retarded fans start shouting drunk on the streets and the fucking internet speed drops to almost zero because the provider apparently gives extra bandwidth to those who are streaming this highly sophisticated form of entertainment.

You know what? I have something for you to suck on if you are so fond of balls.

I'm procrastinating until I have more motivation or until the deadline is really close and I have to do it anyways.

Believe someone when they say something is done and works as intended.

What. The. Fuck. Did. Just. Happen.

A random girl followed me on social media. She looked nice and intelligent so I followed her back.

Started to chat about some random stuff. She told me she works at the HR department of an international company and asked me what's my job. Told her I'm a software developer.

Right after that she sent me a selfie. Obviously I said she looks nice, she thanked it and asked some more about my job. After a short discussion I received another selfie but somewhere in between she lost the outer layer of her clothing.

She still looks nice but now I'm sitting here utterly confused and cant tell whether it was my sarcastic humour and moderately handsome facial features which charmed her or she just needs to recruit someone for a new project and willing to do everything to reach the quota.

Fuck SVN

Blaming someone else for their own mistake.

I've decided to quit programming and from now on I will be a sales manager.

Decentralized shared deep learning NoSQL AI blockchain VR JavaScript frameworks.

I would have answered 'girlfriend' but she broke up with me a couple hours ago. I guess now the tough dev days should get me through the emotionally fucked up phase.

Hello "friend", whom I haven't seen or talked to in years. How have you been? Please don't mind me, my life is boring as shit and nothing happened to me since. Yes, I'd gladly make an app for your company because you agreed to do it but apparently you lack the skills. Oh, you've been fucking around for a month doing nothing? That's sad but sure, I can do it by Sunday, I don't have plans for the weekend anyway. You say you can't pay me more than what I earn in six hours doing my day job? And your boss should think you did it all by yourself? Well, let me consider this cool little opportunity. I'll be in touch, talk to you "soon"!

You know you're fucked when even the lead dev can't think of a decent solution for your problem which is...
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What should be the name of the github repo for the new module?

New boss is trying to show his bossiness to some of my colleagues. But they don't seem to think he is bossy enough...

Most successful project? Probably a little tool I built to practice programming and to help with my studies in a completely different field. I didn't want to keep it all for myself and shared it with some friends at the university. I would never have expected that a couple of weeks later almost every student at our department will be using it but I'm quite happy I could help them too.

One asshat quit, one more to go and we'll be quite a good team.

Drunk programming is the best obfuscation. Tomorrow morning I'll have no idea how any of this works.

I saw Mr Robot and Gilfoyle from Silicon Valley at the office cafeteria today.

My father showed me MS Paint when I was five years old or so, and I still remember I thought it was incredibly awesome.

My colleague asked for some help with an issue. I went over and the app they are working on was like