My company thinks "DevOps Engineer" means

(Senior AWS Solutions Architect) + (Lead DevOps Engineer) + (CISO) + (Helpdesk) + (Sys Admin) + (Team Lead) + (Database Adminstrator)

My mistake was taking on all those duties without demanding 7x the pay.

Senior Management: We are severely disappointed in the timeliness of the two apps you built this year. You had budgeted 3 months for one and it took 4 months and the other was budgeted to take 4 months and took 5 months. We understand that we doubled the requirements halfway through and but that doesn’t take away from our need for you to deliver on time. We provided you with two extra devs on the project! We know they were novices and you had to train them from the ground up during the project, that doesn’t matter. The extra resources should have helped you but your lack of leadership ability is what caused them to hold you back. We know our other team with a budget of 6 months took 2 years on their project and was still unsuccessful but that is a different scenario! That was a pre-built 3rd party ERP plugin, way more complicated and nuanced than simply building and deploying something from scratch. Yes we’re aware your projects were the only successful tech projects at the company this year, that’s just luck and coincidence. The next app we need you to build in 6 months, no questions asked. It needs to consolidate and tie together our 3 different ERPs. Everything that we need out of these products that they don’t do out of the box we need you to wire up. We will decide the exact requirements in a month or so, for now just get started. Yes your apps changed the way we do business and allowed us to complete projects smoother than ever before while saving millions of dollars in wasteful and archaic processes that is OLD NEWS. Stop bringing it up. The successes of yesterday are the status quo of today. Don’t expect any new resources either, you clearly can’t handle them. You will now be giving status updates to 3 different managers as a corrective action to your missed deadlines in order to ensure the timeliness of future deliverables.

Dev: …

I wasn’t even looking for a job, I just went out for drinks with friends and I met this random dude. I complained to him about work wanting us to go back to the office, to which he replied that I should go work for them because they’re remote and looking for people. I had a look at their openings and they had a role with fewer responsibilities and a lot more money, so I applied. It’s been 3 months and I’m so glad I switched.

👏IT'S👏NOT👏THAT👏HARD👏TO👏MAKE👏A👏GOOD👏CLI

The gift that keeps on giving... the Custom CMS Of Doom™
I've finally seen enough evidence why PHP has such a bad reputation to the point where even recruiters recommended me to remove my years of PHP experience from the CV.

The completely custom CMS written by company <redacted>'s CEO and his slaves features the following:
- Open for SQL injection attacks
- Remote shell command execution through URL query params
- Page-specific strings in most core PHP files
- Constructors containing hundreds of lines of code (mostly used to initialize the hundreds of properties
- Class methods containing more than 1000 lines of code
- Completely free of namespaces or package managers (uber elite programmers use only the root namespace)
- Random includes in any place imaginable
- Methods containing 1 line: the include of the file which contains the method body
- SQL queries in literally every source file
- The entrypoint script is in the webroot folder where all the code resides
- Access to sensitive folders is "restricted" by robots.txt 🤣🤣🤣🤣
- The CMS has its own crawler which runs by CRONjob and requests ALL HTML links (yes, full content, including videos!) to fill a database of keywords (I found out because the server traffic was >500 GB/month for this small website)
- Hundreds of config settings are literally defined by "define(...)"
- LESS is transpiled into CSS by PHP on requests
- .......

I could go on, but yes, I've seen it all now.

Manager: I’m getting a strange error now….it says CORS? Any idea what that means?

Dev: Ezpz, just a matter of how many goats to sacrifice and incantations to recite

Manager: Are you serio—

Dev: Bring me my debugging pentagram

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Hatch.
Hatch who? Bless you!

Engineers are the most abused workforce in the entire country.

Also, CTOs are generally dumb. Yet to meet a good one.

I quite forgot this gem.

This is what they teach in management schools apparently

0 bugs - Dev doesn’t exist
1 bug - There’s a bug!
2 bugs - There’s many bugs
3 bugs - There’s so many bugs
4+ bugs - The app is full of bugs

I met a guy in my office. He is a python developer.
He asked me one doubt. One thing lead to another and there as a time where I asked him.
If...
a = 10
b = 20
a = b
Whose value will change a's or b's
.
.
.
.
After few days he was fired.

WFH improved my ability to ignore call.

Why the hell am I 200% more productive at 2 am? Makes literally no sense. I JUST WANT TO CODE LIKE THIS IN THE MORNINGS

Working from home routine (Lockdown edition):
1. Wakeup at 8am
2. Meeting at 8:30am
3. Next 3 hours just focus on coding
4. Push code to source control
5. Focus on myself

Great, fuck you maintainers of Audacity, trying to sneak in crappy telemetry/analytics into it

https://github.com/audacity/...

Dear CTO, please don't forget about the "T".

!dev

any career shifters?

have u guys felt every morning not excited going to work? like every single day, you lost your joy and everything in programming and thinking about shifting a career?

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France? There was nothing left but de Brie.

The answer they deserve

Remember that 😏

What if mark Zuckerberg buys Signal app ?

Me: Today is my day, let see what Linux has to say.
Linux:

Lol!!!

Saw this on LinkedIn

DevOps required skillset:

* Frontend engineering
* Backend services
* Database administrator
* Security consultant
* Project management
* 3rd party contract negotiator
* Build system monitor
* Build system hostage negotiator
* Paging, alerting, monitoring
* Search server admin
* Old search server admin
* Old-old-new search server admin
* Redis, ElasticSearch, MySQL, PostGres, owner
* Agile coach
* No you shouldn't do that coach
* Oh, you did that anyway coach
* DNS: (Optional) It'll replicate when it wants, and how it wants to to anyway
* Multi-Cloud deployment strategist
* Must be able to translate Klingon to YAML, and YAML to MySQL
* Cost analyzer, reducer, and justifier
* Complex documentation generation in markdown that we should have done years ago anyway
* Marketing's email went to spam analyzer
* Wordpress is broke fixer
* Where the fuck does Wordpress run anyway?
* Ability to fix MySql running Wordpress on marketing's dusty laptop

Had to wake four people up at 2 am to fix a crashing service.

10/10 would deploy to production on Friday night again.

Sister's new boyfriend at xmas party: So what do you do for a living?

Me: Well, I would say I'm a "full stack" developer, but what does that even mean anymore right? With the state of front-end development being in a constant state of flux and/or kissing its own ass, and every client demanding their one page website used solely for their phone number be offline first WPA SPA Web 7.0 REST Enabled clusterfuck that requires using at least 65% of the AWS stack, most of it completely uselessly. But hey, Neural Network AI looks good on your "grandma's cookies" website, and for only $9,000 per month you can now set the timer on your oven from your phone. So, man, I guess even though I've now been at it twenty years, even I'm not sure what the fuck it is I do anymore. How about you?

Sister's Boyfriend: I'm unemployed.

Nothing makes a dev happier than some new toys for Christmas

Happy Holidays everyone

Glowing duck...

Client: Why doesn't this process work?

Me: For the exact fucking reasons I said it wasn't fucking possible like three fucking times in two separate fucking meetings you fucking retard.