Does coffee counts as a tool ?

Push your commits before anyone else, so you don't have to resolve any merge conflicts 😈

Boss: Are you almost done with that project?
Me: *closing Google search of "dogs in top hats"* I need more time

My colleagues treat me like a god.
.
.
.
Nobody plays any attention to my existence until they want something 😏

Happened just now:
Client: Please remove this page from the site ASAP, and tell me when its done.
Me: Done
Client: what's wrong am getting an error code(404) when I click on the link.

Am not sure how to reply to that

When your vending machine throws an unhandled exception...

My 6 year old has been learning about trees at school, and had questions for me. Needless to say, she now has the best understanding of data structures in her class, and I expect parents evening will be "interesting"

Her: Why do you need 3 monitors??
Me: Why do you need 6 bags on the hanger, permanently, and 23 pairs of shoes?
Her: :/

The post button should say "Commit"

My conversation with my wife today, while I was at work:

Wife: The wifi isn't working.
Me: What's it doing?
W: Not working
Me: Try turning it off an on again.
.
.
.
Me: Is your phone on LTE? Or is it connected to wifi and the internet isn't working?
W: LTE. Aubrey (my wife's sister) said she turned it off and nothing happened.
Me: did she turn it back on?
W: Do you really want me to answer that?
Me: Just making sure. What lights are on on the router?
W: (Sends me a picture of the router with no lights on)
Me:...
W: Oh it isn't even plugged in
Me:...
W (after a couple minutes): Its working now!

YES I REALLY WANT YOU TO ANSWER IF YOU TURNED IT BACK ON!

Interviewer...

Never assume "This one line can't break anything"

Seems Legit!! 🙈

As a Dev,
I hate writing Docs.

As a Dev,
I hate it when there's no Docs.

Vicious Cycle.

What's the best thing about UDP jokes?

I don't care if you get them.

Me explaining what I do!

Say no to drunk coding

get david() { /* ... */ }

My favourite DJ, david getter!

Nobody will get it

Design vs User Experience

!false

Junkies sniff cocaine.
Hackers sniff HTTP.

I FUCKING HATE BEING AN ADULT

When you can't work because the company forgot to renew your Visual Studio license.. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Developers sound like psychotic sewing serial killers.

Always taking about strings and threads or killing parents, children and detaching heads.

Emm.... Copy failed successfully.....

Right. So my company is advertising an opening in Java JUNIOR Development.... And they all of these skills:

I mean, really?

Ok. Don't know if I'm super talented or not.. But my USB fits in, in a single try.

Hello little guy... together we're gonna make history :')