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Search - "whiskey"
Today I had a reflection with an client and they surprised me with a present. They wanted to thank me for the hard work and effort I made.
Wauw! It just keeps me motivating to work hard and keep my clients happy!5
I just witnessed this interaction between my CTO and an intern. CTO was a good 30 feet away, so everyone heard:
CTO: *talking about some notepad or something* "I HAVE ONE IN MY DESK!"
Intern: **froze - afraid to go through his desk**
CTO: "TOP DRAWER!"
CTO: "GET IT, FUCKER!"
Intern: **blushing - gently opens drawer**
CTO: "KEEP GOING! PAST THE CANDY!"
Intern: "I ..."
CTO: "PAST THE WHISKEY!"
Intern: **softly** "I found it..."
CTO: "THAT WAS HARD!"
Intern: *starts walking back*
(player 3 enters the game) Director of Software: "BRING THE WHISKEY!"
Note: The intern was laughing, he is just a bit timid.
I truly love my job.12
I stare through the blueish black backgrounds and blurry colorful syntax into a somewhat familiar office within a mirrored world. That damned reflective glass layer covering these meaningless pixels is certainly not on my side.
The rushing sound of transactions flowing through cables is silenced today. Some blood cloth in the invoicing system is zeroing out everything after the currency mark.
While sighing I spin a one-and-a-half pirouette on my desk chair — even when desperate, you shouldn't give up on style — I take three steps away from my screen and try to harmonize my thoughts.
So much noise, everywhere... Noise from within?
I have been stuck at the apogee of an inhale for a while now. Locked into some masochistic constriction, self-punishment for the blindness which stings my ego.
Just fucking take a deep breath you asshole...
I freeze in place, and fall backwards.
Patterns on the creamy drywall rapidly vibrate and synchronize on vivid rhythms of respiration and resonating basslines. Deep indigo rainbows ripple through tiny veins, in-between chalky grains, raining as fine magenta dust through the ceiling frames.
My bare feet slide over soft oscillating concrete, fine flows of unsievable sand surrounded by toes, toes surrounded by streaming variables veiled in obscure vile abstractions.
A jadegreen field of vectored compressions resiliently rumbles and bounces through the clearances and corners of the vibrant concrete office cave, whispering in tongues. I try to voice my woes in little blips and bleeps but I seem to be missing an asymmetric key to their shrouded sequenced speech.
Suddenly, a wild turbulence breaks up all signals.
Joanna floats by in her tipsy effervescent cloud of disordered black hair and alcohol perfume, one hand grasping grapes, her other waving at me.
With every finger she moves a thousand tensors propagating paradoxically flawed but perfect pieces of an intricate surreal picture, sketching whole constellations of possible paths throughout the leafs of the giant Ficus next to her desk.
She stops dead in her tracks, and asks somewhat hypocritically: "Are you high?"
I can not discern the meaning of her words, and respond stoically.
"Joanna! Check out those branches!".
"Pun intended?", she giggles.
I'm focused on her grapeless hand, her fingers stretching to reach the lush little tree.
On touch, the plant shivers, grappled in the tight net of the puppet master. She pulls her strings, applying measured weights, all nodes normalize, and Joanna speaks in an oddly soft tone:
"Isn't it beautiful, how so many models emulate nature"
Her cheek buried in foliage she babbles on about unbalanced search trees and machine learning models... but from the tips of her fingers tables and indexes flow into the plant. Users, payments, tariffs, invoices and taxes crawl over the bark, joining at thicker branches, joining at the stem....
Joining. JOINING. A JOIN.
"IF THERE'S NO FUCKING TAX MULTIPLIER IN THIS LEFT JOIN, EVERYTHING COALESCES TO ZERO" I shout at a perplexed Joanna who squeezes grape juice over her desk. I hop on the beat to my keyboard. She looks puzzled, hugs her Ficus tightly, and reaches for the whiskey bottle behind her monitor.
Attracted by my exclamation, Tom from finance swings open the door, while I push my branch.
I look at Joanna still half hiding between the leaves, and I laugh at her: "Branches! Oh, lame, I finally got it!"
Tom's heavy voice interrupts me: "Does this mean... does this mean that the invoicing bug is resolved?".
I smile at Tom with his tailored suit and waxed hair. "The money is flowing once more. All debts are being settled."
He releases his breath in relief, which he seems to have held since that morning as well.
Joanna adds: "Although I think he is forever indebted to my Ficus".
Hey fellow devs,
I'm proud to say, that today I've passed my final step/exam of my apprenticeship.
So now I'm officially an IT-Specialist - Software Development or "Fachinformatiker für Anwendungsentwicklung" in german.
I'm so fuckin' relieved and happy that this chapter is now finally closed and the real fun can begin!
My new job - indeed the old one with 4x payment and just a 32 hour week instead of a 40 hour one.
Now I will cheer and drink as much whiskey I can find out there! :D
PS.: This baby (pic related) was my presentation device today. One member of the commission had to laugh, a ranter as it seems! ;)17
Got a bottle of bourbon as a reward from boss after completing a task.
Thats it, just wanted to brag a little2
'Twas the night before deployment and all through Hipchat
Not an intern was stirring, or a CSM, at that,
The feature design was approved with care,
The business case and user feedback were there.
The sales team was home watching the game in their beds,
Making "Presidents Club" danced in their heads,
The CEO mused over valuation cap,
And how the competition could take a dirt nap.
When in pager duty there arose such a clatter
The night devs logged in to see what was the matter.
Away to the server logs they flew in a flash
To see what had made the primary DB crash.
The pristine backups in the freshly pushed cloud
Gave joy and relief to the now-anxious crowd.
When what, on the CDN status page should appear,
But holly-red downtime and a DDoS severe.
With little fanfare and at speeds none could detect,
In toddy-wreathed glow appeared the Senior Architect!
In mere milliseconds the commands they came,
Were whistled, and shouted, and called out by name:
"Now Traceroute, now Nmap, now Dig, now loopback Localhost!
On Makefile, on Linker, on Tar, on avocado toast!
To the bottom of the Btree, to the root CA,
Now compile! Compile! And restore away!!"
As JS frameworks of the day away fly ,
When the zeitgeist forgets them in the race to the sky,
So up to the network backbone they flew,
The Architect on her PDP-10, with her Dynabook too!
And then in a twinkling, the emergency team
Saw the DDoS reverse, and the bits surged downstream
Packets, like snowflakes, flashed before our wint'ry eyes,
At 1024 GB/s, a wonderland of surprise!
Her eyes, how they twinkled! Her shell scripts-- concise!
Her bytecode so polished it ran on any device!
Her soldering iron swung freely from her hip,
From a hot whiskey toddy she enjoyed a long sip.
She spoke not a word but went straight to her work,
And synced the prod DB where the tables went berserk.
And laying her spanner aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, to obscurity she rose!
She sprang to her PDP, to her mainboard gave a knock,
Rebooted the magnets and refreshed the clock.
She exclaimed as she vanished, giving us her last jabs,
"Remember to always use spaces, not tabs!"12
I'm a bad influence.
It's been a tradition for me to keep a bottle of 'desk whiskey' buried in a drawer at work. A couple weeks ago, I started inviting cube mates over for a drink on Fridays as five pm rolled around.
Soon one of them brought in a bottle of scotch. Then another.
Started observing the afternoon drink on days other than Friday, more folks got involved...
Now the CTO talks about "Whiskey O' Clock" daily.
Accidentally left a test line in an API method - the first line returned a 200 OK response.
It was a notification API for our payment portal, so when they complained our API didn't work our logs always said all was fine...
After an hour of listening to our help desk guys saying "everything in our logs says it's fine", I looked at source for 2 seconds, fixed the problem, went home, had a whiskey and went to bed!1
When I started my job a year ago, I felt impostor syndrome. Now I think everyone around me is a fucking moron and I'm an elite programmer.
Am I just an asshole, or has my journey with this company expired?11
Not coding, but maths.
Some years ago, I promised to give my little brother remedial courses in maths for an upcoming exam. He has always been bad at it so I explained it to him often, and since I didn't do this kind of mathematics in a lot of years, I usually had to read his course before I could explain it.
Anyway, this day, I got upset and drunk much, much whiskey in a bar. At 3pm, my father came to get me back home for my bro (couldn't drive yet at this time and was out for a coffee with friends, at first), so I pretended to be sober, remaining calm and shut during the ride, so nor my breath nor my stupid talk could betray me. Until... Until I opened the window and started singing stupid things to people on the street for no apparent reason. My father was pissed and told me I would have to keep my promise anyway.
Long story short, we got home, I staggered to my brother and started the class. I didn't have to read the material before remembering, understanding and explaining it, my brother understood everything from the first time, as it was enunciated clearly and simply.
He got great grades, which was exceptionally rare. My parents, pissed as they were seeing my state, couldn't believe any of it.1
Every table in our DB has extra fields called EXTRA1, EXTRA2, and EXTRA3, just in case we need to add something to a table and don't want modify it. Makes perfect sense, right? /s
But don't facepalm yet, because instead of actually using these extra fields, we just create *another* table called TablenameExt1 and then join it to the original table, because it would suck to use up the extra fields, right?
The most used tables have up to 6 "extension" tables, so there's 6 joins every time they get used. Plus whatever else you need to join anyway, along with *those* extensions as well.
And of course we copy at least half the data we *might* need from the original table and put it in every extension, because fuck normalization amirite?
Anyway, the app is slow and we've hired multiple consultants to help us figure out why. Quite the mystery isn't it?
Now where'd I hide that whiskey bottle...6
...ive been on call for 27 minutes. Have had 2 calls already. One "resolved itself as [their] coworker restarted the server on [their] end" and the other didn't realize the page they were trying to load was decommed 2 years ago. They submitted the request.
I'm sick, annoyed already, and don't want to deal with this, but will because it's my job. Kind of. I have to respond to the call, even if it's fucking dumb.14
It's whiskey and code tonight!
(Whiskey because I couldn't get to my rum. annoyed face.)
Why? Because rum is so much better. duh.
More seriously: My boss has thrown me every single one his current tasks and is refusing to answer simple questions about them, such as "oh, so you already know about this bug; what's the cause?" or "how do i test this once i've fixed it?" or "where the fuck are you?"
and I'm also getting lots of bugs from other people. They're all basically categorized "urgent, please fix immediately" but should instead be categorized "super-boring and not-at-all-important, and should get fixed on the off chance you happen to remember it next year". That's the best category of bug.
I just gave up on fixing a Rails pluralize bug which fits into the aforementioned category quite nicely. It's returning "2x round of golves" -- which is hilarious and I might leave it in just for the amusement. But now it's back to fighting with ActionCable! Everything has been getting in the way of me finishing that. I'm about to start biting.
I also have some lovely netcode to debug and fix. So totally not looking forward to that. The responses are less bloody reliable than my boss's code ffs. *grumble grumble*9
Didn't have the best day at work, to put it mildly. Had a customer threaten me / the company I work for with legal steps because their privacy statement wasn't online "on time" (I put it online this afternoon), and I found out that a couple of colleagues that customers aren't happy with my work, so I have a meeting"to discuss the next couple of months" on Thursday with some influencual people from my company. Totally not up for this. I just about had my private life sorted out, and now this. //I'm out!11
I started saying 'yes' to every opportunity in life. Long story short, I have 3 websites, 2 logos, a couple of leaflets and 2 non-profit websites due yesterday. Whiskey with cereal never tasted better at 8 AM!7
Me: "I should try to waste less money this month"
Also me: "I wonder what 1000 euro whiskey tastes like..."
(Please describe in comments, I don't actually have 1000 euros for whiskey.)12
The coolest project I was ever involved on, was when we signed a client in Namibia (we were a South African based company). So I was flown to Namibia for 2 weeks to train the clients etc. I spent about 4 days training the client and I had no more work to do. So the client took me out around town and we drank so much on his tab! He even gave me a bottle of Johnnie Walker Blue, because he doesnt drink Whiskey! The best part of it, apart from exploring their awesome country and pubs, was Mad Max 4 was being filmed in my town, and my client took me to see the yard where all the vehicles and props were situated, because he owned that property! So all in all, it was more of a paid holiday than anything else!3
TIL that some people don't use JSON to exchange data over the Internet. In fact, they don't use XML either. Or even HTTP at all.
Some people use flat text files with 4-charater codes to denote "objects" delimited by astresks to denote properties, then upload these flat files over FTP.
My portal to 1995 grows deeper. Send help, please. Or at least whiskey...5
I'm definitely a vodka guy rather than beer or whiskey. I love how vodka makes my mind feel light / dreamy while still being fully conscious of things happening around me.
Just had a beautiful orange flavoured vodka with my friend.
I'm now gonna attempt some coding.9
I secretly wish everything at work fails because everyone is so fucking stupid every time it makes me cringe when I have to talk to someone or watch someone explaining something to me.
Everything seems to lack planning and focus, our PMS act more like clients than like managers, its a total fucking mess and I have to clean some of it this week.
It's getting so much on my nerves that I had to open my whiskey for the first time this year, damn.
Added 1200 lines to the project. The app stop working. Grabbed a whiskey bottle. While drinking I found the error. Nice.
I wish all newbies would read clean code. I feel if you understand the concepts you can more easily join an established team and contribute more quickly with less do overs. I realize writing elegant, testable code is like making good whiskey. It takes time.5
When I get myself a coffee in the morning, opening up my IDE, looking at the legacy code.. my brain starts yelling: "out of the way coffee, this is a job for whiskey"3
Got home to acknowledge I forgot to pay the fucking internet bill and now I'm in a void without knowing what I'll do and everything might end with me wasting my mobile data and some whiskey2
Raging here, overheating really. One spends thousands on technology that is promoted with the catch phrase "it just works", yet here I am, after updating my fancy new emoji maker (iphone x) to 11.2 and then attempt to carry on working by compiling my code to test some new features. And...
oh, whats this xCode? You have a problem? You can't locate something? You can't locate iOS 11.2 (15C114)... sorry and you think that this "May not" be supported in current version of Xcode?
Let me get this straight you advanced piece of technological wizardy, you know you are missing something, you in fact know what it is, you can actually TELL me what is missing and yet, still, in 2017, you can't go FETCH it?????
Really? All you can do is sit, with that stupid look on your face, and watch the paint dry? Your stuck? That's it?
I hate you for the false pretense of advanced capability. and for your lack of a consistent dark theme so my eyes stop bleeding when reading your "I don't know what to do" messages...
By the way, maybe you can stop randomly crashing, or pinwheeling, I get that your bored as a machine designed to crunch numbers/data/code all day long and that for fun you feel you have to add some color to your subsitance. But stop it. Do what I'm told you can do, "JUST WORK" for once without me having to drag you forward kicking and screaming.
K. that feels better. Now for some whiskey.5
Forgot I had an interview at 9am the next day so I got super drunk the night before. Let me tell you, it's very difficult to pull back from smelling like whiskey and having to down three red bulls before you go in to keep awake.
So I promised myself some down time this weekend since I usually end up working all night and in a blink my weekend is over. I also declined going out for better 'relaxation'. Here's how it's going so far...
>Gets home. Hmmm what should I do I can do anything! *thinking*
>Pours a stiff whiskey
>Trys watching something as well as playing a game, gets bored of each and abandons them.
>Opens a dev newsletter
>Realizes I'm elbow deep in some repo... starting to feel inspired.
>Decides to code something "fun"
>Uses "Well as long as I'm not *working*" to justify his addiction.
I'm really not sure what I did for fun before I started coding. It ruined things by being so damn enjoyable and ultimatley many other things became well... less fun.
This is what addiction looks like.2
So. I was pretty sure I had fixed the problem we had with compiling in Windows 10. Thing is I did it in a stopgap non-permanent way because we have to be done with it by the second week of February to support our subcontractor.
Turns out I had an older version of the framework we build on installed on my box and the newer version decided to fix their windows 10 compilation issues the right way. So we can't use our stopgap solution. So basically I look like an idiot and more important people than me have to work on the problem because I am not allowed to install anything on my box myself, our SA is already overwhelmed, and only the higher ups have the newest framework version. Good thing it's a long weekend and I have plenty of of beer and whiskey.1
I was absolutely angry, my ego had been wounded. I had built the entire product from scratch, while my bosses just clinged onto one feature that i had not done.
It wasn't even going to be used i knew that and hence was slack. It also required a lot of algo writing.
Post the discussion i decided I'm gonna take out my hurt ego's anger on this algo. I drank whole night and coded. Damn fucking one of the most complex logics i had ever written. It was done and tested while the sun rose. And i slept, next day was a Sunday. I couldn't get hungover.
I was wrong, the logic was used and is one of the core logics of the product. Something that we boast of. 😁
Me: *gets a payout from my old job*
Me: ahhh now to spoil myself, let's get some pixel buds and a day dream set and maybe a nice bottle of whiskey.
eBay: YO! We have that MacBook you've been looking for going really cheap at the moment!
Me: ... I hate myself...
Why does stuff always go on sale when I've spent my money ;-;2
2 loads of laundry... check
Bit of time of Battlefield to get rid of some stress... check
Glass of whiskey to keep me coding...check
Wow - I've actually got a few minutes to spare on my home project!
I am so fucking drunk but still I ended up completing a task which is a feature request.... I have no idea how I did it... But it works in staging... That's what I remember.... Will see tomorrow.... I am also the tester in the hierarchy which starts and ends with me... I don't know whether this qualifies as a rant4
Voice in my head: You should do something good this weekend.
My body: Yeah let's code up a community fostering app for the neighborhood.....
Two Nights later:
Amidst a half empty bottle of Jack ...
Voice in my head: dude why isn't this shit working, you've done this billions of times.
My body: It's your fault...time to drink you away.
And like that,
At the break of day,
A hungover and glazed developer,
Debugged! as they say.
Community app launched
On memorial holiday,1
I put the same song in a forever loop.
There are 3 stages each increasingly stronger! :
Level one: get lucky - daft punk
Level two: whiskey in a jar - Metallica cover
Level three: gangnam style - psy
I close all im, email and whatnot and code till exhaustion.
I normally listen to metal and classical music BTW.
Got to the office in the morning. Boss says, ok we want to do a toast for one thing or the other. Got a nice glass of red wine. drank it. Nice wine. got back to my computer, and started to work. the boss man calls me back. I say whats up? he says, bottle of whiskey....
drunk coding is fun!6
Just finished my first project where I built a page with Angular, hosted it with Node/Express (locally), and pulled info from an API to display c: Feels good that I could even do it, even if it took hours of googling and tutorial to kick me in the right direction.
The whiskey didn't hurt either.1
Boy oh boy.. Reminds me of good ol college days. I was in my final sem when Amazon came to our university for campus hiring. I was very confident that I will get selected. Funnily enough I went till the final round and I had a feeling that it went well if not excellent. It was a Friday night and we had to wait two excruciating days for the final shortlisted result to come. On the evening of Monday my friend T called me and told me my name is not on the list. I was heartbroken. I asked him who all got selected and he said our friend A did. A was, and still is a good friend of ours and I was happy for him. That night we sat down for drinks and as the night progressed I anguished over my selection. I still remember solving a binary tree problem holding a glass of whiskey in my one hand. The next morning I woke up at 6, detoxed myself with fruit juices and sat in front of my laptop feeling full rage from last night. I sat till lunch and hacked a chrome extension in one sitting. Mind you I had no existing knowledge of extensions at that point of time. I sometimes look how my life has turned since that time and now I am one of the devs in a team which work on a product that itself is a browser extension. :)
Before I decided to switch careers (PM to Dev) I would drink coffee, black, sometimes with 2+ shots of espresso on those nasty days...
It's been 18 months into this transition and I find that by about 9AM a strong dark coffee with 1+ shots of whiskey is required on any day...
No regrets on the switch, Just didn't see that coming is all...4
We accepted a property listing project for a client.
I have been looking online for references and inspiration regarding design, features, plugins etc.
And this is what I just found. I shit you not. $20 and you get everything. WTF.
May be I will just buy it and give it to my client. $20 and you have like 40 lines of features, if not lied, which are more than enough to meet my client's requirements.
Why the heck am I working?
Am I the one who is charging too high to my client?11
At home: a glass of nice single malt whiskey, headphones on with some chill background music and that's all I need.
At work: First half an hour up to one hours goes into deciding what to do / waking up and having the first 2-4 cups of coffee.
Headphones on with some chill background music and I get into the zone for a quick moment before it's lunch time and it takes up to 1h after the lunch break to get back to the zone and multiple coffee cups.
In the afternoon I usually get into the zone and real speed with my work and quite often almost forget to go home :/
The copious amounts of alcohol I can consume after spending 3.5 hours finding where the missing } should be. Not to mention the mini-fridge stocked up with cans/bottles of lager and a fresh, nice cold bottle of Jäger 👍😛3
So, against like 90% of all odds, we (I) managed to submit the application to Apple for review at the ripe old time of 21.27 last night.
Events of the day included:
- fighting with appstoreconnect (turns out they just return a 500 if you haven't paid your Apple developer membership)
- removing FAQs altogether because "it would have taken too long to make those today" (ticket in Jira for this for ~4 months)
- our app was targeting both iPad and iPhone, so we had to rebuild the app for iPhone only because "we don't have app store images for iPad".
On the bright side, that leaves 3 days next week to get the rest of the backend finished for actual go live on Monday 16th, so long as Apple don't reject the app.
Side note: adding the target-device preference affected the android build somehow? despite the preference being iOS only, and wrapped in a platform="iOS" section.
After 3 days of digging through the documentation of CraftCMS and Yii Framework I got the hang out of how these Controllers, Actions and other RESTful api stuff works on Craft3.
As some of you may have noticed, I am a big fan of CraftCMS (v2) since it was introduced to me. A few days ago we discussed a new project and the option go for Craft3, as it has been released for some time now.
The changes from v2 to v3 are huge... I didn't expect to almost reach my limit to give up on it!
But since the RESTful routes finally work, with proper data serializing and all, I will now go drink a Whiskey or ten and wish you all an awesome, client-disturbance-free, decadent, beerful weekend!
Holy fucking monkey nuts my boss is such a cunt, he is soo damned ignorant, for some who worked in dev for 20 years, to tell another dev that is easy, should only need to change a few keys in order to be able to completely rewrite 6 months worth of work. Poor bastard was soo pissed he finished a whole bottle of whiskey.
I made him work from home today, we not really meant too, because you know, Developer do not do work if their duck dick of a manager is not there watching, and well it makes it a lot harder for him to make rediculously, moronic requests like that over slack.
Part of me was genuinely afraid he would same something equally moronic and said dev would try and kill him, which would put the rest of the office and the awkward position if having to help. Really complicated to cover that up and then get the stories straight and iron out the alibis.1
Got my xaml datatemplates finished, models and design time data all done ... Now for some whiskey 😁2
Whiskey, then wine, then Jello shots (best enjoyed alone), then absinthe, then energy drinks, then sleep.2
I really find it quite annoying when my colleague refactors my code. I personally don't see the point because I find my code more readable, easy to main and intuitive. That of course is a subjective view. Problem is, there aren't any competent colleagues who can weigh in their opinion on disagreements in the team. In fact, I'm pretty sure they aren't even developers, and have some how infiltrated their way in claiming to be a software developer.
Oh yeah, the manager doesn't review our performance or keep up to date with the work people are doing.
I'm not even exaggerating.2
I've never gotten drunk while coding, but definitely a whiskey always is the finest accompoint to writing some beautiful code 😉
When you get a job that is advertised as a software development job, but you end up doing 80% software development and 20% help desk support tickets.
Sometimes I really hate this industry. Also, what is it with people assuming software developers can just wave a fucking wand and make shit work? FUARKKKKKK!
Free overtime when we're deploying too, fuck yes! I love free overtime!1
//TODO:Describe your day with block of code
public class Init
public void Init()
this.status = _status.WakeUp;
this._getReadyToWork(Coffee, Closes, Laptop Bag);
bool success = this.getToBus();
this._workEvents += new EventHander(InternetStatus);
this._coolEvents +=new EventHandler(Purge_Nerf_War);
This is a bit abnormal for devrant, but I'm looking for someone familiar with Azure. The project involves converting separate app processes into singular roles in order to save my client money in the long run, I'm looking for anyone with any current expertise. I'll pay you in Whiskey and DevRant swag.1