Them: “We want parallax on our website on mobile!”

Me: “Parallax does not work in a mobile web browser.”

Them: “But it does here!” Shows me an iOS app that does parallax.

Me: “That’s in an iOS app. Not a mobile web browser”.

Them: “ Oh well. I’m sure you’ll figure it out!”

😐😐😐😐😐.
Welp.

Spent some extra time adding a parallax effect to an image on the client’s homepage. Client reported it as a bug 😂🤦‍♂️

if i learned one thing from my internship it's "Just do it".

I always wanted to master parallax but didn't dare to. My boss then forced me into learning it. I made my own parallax script that day.

Current project:

A fairly simple and basic single page-ish project with no framework at all.
No backend or database.
No jQuery.
Plain old Gulp task, npm scripts and Webpack.
Some parallax and other scrolling effects.
Client is actually a pretty simple, cool and understanding guy.

This is too easy.

What is this madness??

OH FUCKING GREAT. GOOGLE CHROME UPDATE 53 JUST BROKE MY PARALLAX WEBSITE. FUCCCCKKKKK

Amazing client.

Want to add parallax effect to whole website (yes I also don't understand) after everything is done and final.

After they have moved up the launch date.

After they have asked me to also do the data entry not only the development.

After I specifically asked for ssh access, PHP7+ server and then they asked me to deploy it to their shared hosting through cpanel.

After ...

After ....

After .....

Designer: here's the layout/mockup file, how long will it take to build this page if I extract all the assets for you?

Me: well if you extract them in the right format and size this time, probably by end of day...

Designer: perfect! (Actually gets me everything in the right format)

*4:30 pm*

Me: alright I'm done

Designer: wait where are all the videos, and animations, and the parallax, and hover states and tool tips and interactive charts?

Me: WTF are you talking about? You gave them all to me as images?

Designer: ...they are supposed to be interactive.

Me: 😑

Working on my website. Ranting on positioning my background which uses CSS perspective and translateZ to move slowly when someone scrolls.

Can't figure out a way to make it not overflow the whole document for almost 3 days.

Out of frustration changed the position to fixed.

And the problem was gone :( :D :(

I have no idea if I should cry or laugh loudly

A client once thought I was making "the trees come out of the screen" because I used parallax scrolling with a forest photo..

My worst and yet kinda best experience. Internship.

Me: I mean I had this idea of [ this ] but I could never do this myself.
He: You got me. Do this now.

Two times. One time in the job interview as a "challenge" to get the job (model+sculpt a 3D head) and once for a clients website (parallax (from scratch)).

It was hard but I'm glad I made it and learned a lot these weeks..

So I'm struggling to finish this library which among other things is supposed to write flowing text. And this one's taking foreeeever and I'm hating it so much already.

I just keep daydreaming of starting a "simple" platformer. And then I go, "hm the parallax must be nice, it needs to have as many layers as possible, oh and look at this video, here they're even zooming and each layer rescales differently, good effect, I need to add that too. Also a plain platformer is just boring, it needs to have adventure elements, and even RPG too, yeah why not. Hm, it needs to have some motion blur, but oh I need this 1/48 shutter speed to make it look cinematic. Okay how do I go about adding this blur effect? What? Libgdx doesn't provide one out of the box? I need to use opengl shaders? A shader, eh... I'm not even sure what that is. Okay, let's see how to do it. Wow that's a total mess and resource hungry, and how will I calculate it all as to make it match the 1/48 thing?"

You know... Simple. And in the end, I'll abandon the library and won't get anywhere with the platformer (as usual).

Tsk tsk tsk

Parallax Scrolling

So I work in a web development company in my town and have been doing a while or heap of parallax sites for our clients. Now obviously when we do the designs we get them in and get them to play around with the site before we go ahead and push their new site out and make it live right.

Wellll who would of thought that a simple parallax site would be so hard to use for the general user??? Recently we have been getting the occasional call where the client is getting complaints about the site only being a big ole image or just one block of text. After investigating why their site was broken or why the users weren't able to see the whole site I came across no problems at all.

Today I got a call from the client who instructed me that after explaining to one of his own clients that he had to scroll down the page that everything was just fine!

I mean, what? How do you miss the big ole scroll bar on ya screen or even think to even attempt to scroll? Some people aye lmao

The last days I'm going totally insane for parallax designs. Have you tried them by yourself? Have some links?

"Web design has a bad reputation for being stylistically trendy and same-looking. Some guy does a parallax scrolling site, and now your boss wants you to add that to your corporate PR website for some reason. Glossy buttons, Gaussian Noise, linen texture, new things that look fake-old, then back to minimalism and flat colors as a reaction to the glossy noisy textured fake-old stuff." - Jonas Downey

Needed my Windows 10 vm for parallax propeller development again. Should be pretty straightforward:

Start VM. Very unresponsive and Interface glitches with 2GB RAM so I give it 4GB to get on the desktop. Bruh, off to a good start.

Turns out that there are a few updates. So I try to install them. After two fucking hours Virtualbox screams at me for being out of storage. FFS Window$ updates managed to take up like 20GB extra.

Had to install it from scratch since my drive is full. Now my key won't activate because it is already activated. 15min support hotline, because 6*8 characters are necessary for a f*cking Phone activation.

Damage assessment:
1h of my life I will never get back, a barely viable operating system and I'm not even sure if USB passthrough works.

PSA:Gnome-Boxen has a superb unattended installer.

New Buzzword! - micro-parallax: parallax so subtle you cant detect it.

the parallax on that scroll, the web dev's Nirvana

Designer: 'Help! The parallax website I designed is running really slowly. Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!'
Me (In my head): 'Yeah, no shit. Can't think why...'

Neumorphism is the new Parallax.

when you know you're not in the right way xD shushsushsuaha

Modern Web Developer
(To the tune of "I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major-General" from Gilbert and Sullivan's "The Pirates of Penzance")

I am the very model of a modern web developer
I’m quite fluent with JavaScript; An HTML whisperer
My code is clean and elegant, I genuinely innovate
And even know my way around a Promise and async / await

I’m very well acquainted too with matters vector graphical
I understand why SVG coordinates seem magical
And even without Photoshop I elegantly can produce
A mockup or a logo in most any format that you choose

[Chorus]
A mockup or a logo in most any format that you choose
A mockup or a logo in most any format that you choose
A mockup or a logo in most any format that you choose

I'm quite adept at ES6 expressions like destructuring
I know the ins and outs of functional reactive programming
In short, in matters browser-based or Node.js if you prefer
I am the very model of a modern web developer

[Chorus]
He is the very model of a modern web developer

I know our mythic history, the humble start, the browser wars
I know why Douglas Crockford fought the battle over ES4
The World Wide Web Consortium and Ecma International
My knowledge of our legacy is truly supernatural

With LESS and SASS and CSS, designing for mobility
I’ll perfectly apply the right amount of specificity
From custom fonts and parallax to grid and flex and border-box
I know most every tip and trick both common and unorthodox

[Chorus]
He knows most every tip and trick both common and unorthodox
He knows most every tip and trick both common and unorthodox
He knows most every tip and trick both common and unorthodox

And when it comes to lazy loading, bundling up and splitting code
There’s nothing quite like Webpack, which of course is built on top of Node
Considering my resume, I’m certain that you will concur
I am the very model of a modern web developer

[Chorus]
He is the very model of a modern web developer

When new frameworks and libraries emerge I must be ravenous
And gobble up the hot new thing, my appetite is bottomless
React and Vue and Angular, Immutable, RxJS
The list will be outdated long before I'm finished singing this

My pull requests rely on multitudinous utilities
To help me lint and test and build, a deluge of analyses
And every single day there are a hundred thousand more to learn
The web is going through an irresponsible amount of churn

[Chorus]
The web is going through an irresponsible amount of churn
The web is going through an irresponsible amount of churn
The web is going through an irresponsible amount of churn

This pace is agonizing! Code from yesterday is obsolete!
The speed of innovation is enough to knock me off my feet!
It's happening too fast! I can’t keep up! I’m tired! It’s all a blur!
I am the very model of a modern web developer!

[Chorus]
He is the very model of a modern web developer!