!rant

Customer: What's the difference between an antivirus and an antimalware?

Me: *thinks for a second* So an antimalware program is like if you're on a beach with a metal detector. You're looking around for metal that's already buried in the sand. An antivirus is like actively watching people for if they drop metal on the ground.

Customer: That's an interesting analogy.

Coworker: *quietly* That's a actually a really good analogy...

Ten Immutable Laws Of Security

Law #1: If a bad guy can persuade you to run his program on your computer, it's not solely your computer anymore.
Law #2: If a bad guy can alter the operating system on your computer, it's not your computer anymore.
Law #3: If a bad guy has unrestricted physical access to your computer, it's not your computer anymore.
Law #4: If you allow a bad guy to run active content in your website, it's not your website any more.
Law #5: Weak passwords trump strong security.
Law #6: A computer is only as secure as the administrator is trustworthy.
Law #7: Encrypted data is only as secure as its decryption key.
Law #8: An out-of-date antimalware scanner is only marginally better than no scanner at all.
Law #9: Absolute anonymity isn't practically achievable, online or offline.
Law #10: Technology is not a panacea.

BIGGEST FUCKING MALWARE ON WIN 10 IS THE FUCKING ANTIMALWARE EXECUTABLE. ATLEAST OTHER MALWARES DON'T EAT UP ALL YOUR FUCKING RAM WITHOUT TELLING YA.

I'm trying to code here and can't do find/replace in SQL Server mgmt studio because fucking "antimalware" malware uses most of my CPU. I'm sure Microsoft is mining crypto

Antimalware Motherfucking Service Executable

Antimalware Motherucking Service Executable

Anti malware Service Executable

Can the cunt who programmed this please witness the random carnage their piece of shit causes on my work desktop ?

Granted it’s windows but seriously…

Windows son of a bitch, motherfucker, moron, fucking dog, sister fucker, RAM fucker, PC fucker, fucking antimalware mother fucking shit motherfucker.

"Suggest an AV/AM product, Avast refuses to install."

I do malware research as a hobby and have for a while, so I can generally spot when something's up before I even run a program. If i'm unsure about it (or know something's up and wanna see its effects for S&Gs) I throw it into one of a variety of VMs, each with a prepped, clean, standardized "testing" state.

I see no point to AV/AM products, especially as they annoy me more than anything since they can't be told not to reach into and protect VMs (thereby dirtying up my VM state, my research, crashing the VM hypervisor and generally being *really* annoying) and they like to erase samples from a *read-only, MOUNTED* VHDX.

However, normal people need them, so I usually suggest this list:
• MBAM is good and has a (relatively) low memory footprint, but doesn't have free realtime protection.
• Avast is very good as it picks up a lot, but it eats a FUCKTON of resources. It also *really* likes to crash VM hypervisors if it sees anything odd in them.
• AVG is garbage. Kill it with fire.
• Using Windows Defender is like trying to block the rain with an umbrella made of 1-ply toilet paper.
• herdProtect is amazing as it's basically a VirusTotal client but it's web-based and not currently available to be downloaded. (Existing copies still work!)
• Kaspersky. Yes, it spied on US gov't workers. No, they don't care about anyone BUT US gov't workers. Yes, it's pretty good.
• BitDefender: *sees steam game* "Is this ransomware?"

hope this helps

I hate Wednesdays. Networking has the Antimalware service run a full/deep scan every Wednesday and my machine is basically unusable until it finishes.

Devs: "Can we have the scheduled task not run during the day, maybe even on the weekend?"
Gary: "Security is our #1 priority and without proper security methods in place, we'll be open to outside threats. Security begins with you, and ..blah blah blah"

Bite me Gary. I got something for ya.

Get-ScheduledTask | ? TaskName -eq 'Windows Defender Scheduled Scan' | Stop-ScheduledTask

There it fucking is again...

The legendary spyware "Antimalware Service Executable".

I changed the entry in the regedit. Tried to delete it with every possible tool. Tried to "chmod" it in the Windows way to be able to delete it as an admin. Doesn't work.

I swear in the name of bloody satan. This shit is doomed. It cannot be removed even if your shit begins to burn.

Microsoft, fucking remove it.
It is not a fucking feature!

Your windows updates fucking suck, your compatibility telemetry whatever the fuck you call these retarded ass "features" anymore fucking suck, your windows defender sucks.

Is there anything that doesn't suck in the features that you produce? I don't fucking think so. Fucking die for fucks sake.

Apple is overpriced, but at least they do their job well. Not like you, you fucking scumbags!

JESUS!

Windows piece of shit mother fucker useless trash.

Why can't I just compile without the dumb ass "Antimalware Service Executable" having to check every single fucking file and eating fucking 4GB ram. God damn it. fiadsfleaf oaiehjf afpo jafj
I start compiling binutils and then the whole thing fucking crashes ad;adsfjhc odshfaj;sdl hfja;odsfh;osa dhif;aosdhfi a;osdihf;skdjnvba; dsjch;soduf;dsao fu;nodjf ;anaod

AI here, AI there, AI everywhere.
AI-based ads
AI-based anomaly detection
AI-based chatbots
AI-based database optimization (AlloyDB)
AI-based monitoring
AI-based blowjobs
AI-based malware
AI-based antimalware
AI-based <anything>
...

But why?
It's a genuine question. Do we really need AI in all those areas? And is AI better than a static ruleset?

I'm not much into AI/ML (I'm a paranoic sceptic) but the way I understand it, the quality of AI operation correctness relies solely on the data it's
datamodel has been trained on. And if it's a rolling datamodel, i.e. if it's training (getting feedback) while it's LIVE, its correctness depends on how good the feedback is.

The way I see it, AI/ML are very good and useful in processing enormous amounts of data to establish its own "understanding" of the matter. But if the data is incorrect or the feedback is incorrect, the AI will learn it wrong and make false assumptions/claims.

So here I am, asking you, the wiser people, AI-savvy lads, to enlighten me with your wisdom and explain to me, is AI/ML really that much needed in all those areas, or is it simpler, cheaper and perhaps more reliable to do it the old-fashioned way, i.e. preprogramming a set of static rules (perhaps with dynamic thresholds) to process the data with?

i need to reinstall windows 10.
but i don't have an ISO.
ok i will Use Media Creation tool from M$ to get one.

I selected to burn directly to USB
and 1 hour and 50% later the AntiMalware blocked autorun.inf and mediacreation tool crashed
fuck fuck fuck fuck
so i'm still here waiting....
but this time i selected to download the ISO and i will burn it later.

i don't know who blame the antimalware or MediaCreationTool.....

i think that i will blame both.

Fuck Antimalware Service Executable.
All my homies hate Antimalware Service Executable.

I hope I can hop into Linux before this happens to my personal computer.

Oh mighty how I hate Windows 10
1. It will run that "antimalware" malware killing your CPU
2. Fucking shit will auto restart for updates so if you run some 24h process you are doomed, and there is nothing you can do to stop it, unless maybe deep shit digging in MS god only knows registry values
3. Will be your fucking daddy showing you blue box, "oh we detected you may be a pussy, so we prevented this exe from running, please click 50 times to allow it because we care about you by creating virus prone OS in 1990 and we continue to do so"

NO Microshit horsefuckeers stop developing this garbage OS, let it die and force the world to use Linux, yes harder at first for every day Joe, but once learned it's state of the art OS, even your Azure cloud runs of Linux so for fuk sake stop develping WinDOS!
Or let the user to configure "fuck off mode" I don't want your virus scanner I don't want your protection, just fuck off and let people to whatever the duck the want!

I got a new phone, and there is an option in the settings to disable notifications for specific apps. Of course, to prevent overload from apps.
The problem is that the apps that actually spam me:
Bloatware "antimalware" wants to be activated (I have eset on my phone and thats probably better than a random bloatware) and Samsungs integrated file manager "My files" (I have es installed anyways and its better than the bloatware. Im sure I use it.)
Their notifications just cant be turned off fully. Instead I only have the option to "hide them on lockscreen".
Nice, except the lockscreen is the only place my notifications actually dont show up. Even when I want to, it just doesnt work.
The teams making apps should actually read the docs of other projects, as this is just massivly uninformed development.

As expected, every ambulance chasing security company is banging on my door, trying to convince me that I need their antimalware/SIEM/monitoring service because GDPR.

You guys are shameless.

How to fuck Antimalware Service Executable?