Act I

Me (Lead Developer), Boss (Head of IT), CEO

> enter stage left CEO

CEO > "Alright Boss, give it to me straight. Are we going to be able to release app x by this date?"

Boss > "Yup we'll have a beta release on that date"

> exit stage right CEO

Me > types long email to Boss outlining exactly why we won't be able to release app x anywhere near that date, beta or otherwise, because:
1. We have a development team of 2
2. I've never developed an iOS app before
3. Developer 2 is still trying to understand git, because
3a. Developer 2 isn't even a developer (but he's doing iOS front-end so w/e)
4. We don't have the required database systems in place
5. Or CRM
6. Or CPQ
7. We'll need to conduct a security audit

Boss > "yeah, but CEO is gonna need to hear that date a few more times before he can fully understand"

Me > *internally screaming BUT YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HIM THAT AT ALL*
"ok cool just glad we're on the same page on that one"

Me and co-worker troubleshooting why he can't run the docker container for database.

Me: Check if the port is busy.

Co-worker: To my knowledge, it isn't.

Me: Strange, it just works fine for me and everyone else.

Me: And you're sure you didn't already start it previously?

*We verify that it isn't running*

Me: I'm pretty sure the port is busy from that error message. Try another port.

Co-worker: Already did, it didn't work.

Me: And by any chance restarting your machine won't solve anything?

*It doesn't solve anything*

Me: Alright, I have some work to do, but I'll get back to this. Tell me if you find a solution.

Co-worker: Alright.

*** Time passes, when I get back he has switched to windows, dualboot, same machine ***

Me: I don't think you'll have a better time running the docker image on windows.

Co-worker: Oh, that's not what I'm looking for. You see, I had a database on my windows partition recently and I thought maybe thats why it won't start.

Me (screaming internally) : WTF ARE YOU STUPID, WINDOWS AND LINUX ISNT RUNNING AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME.

Me (actually saying): I don't think computers work like that.

Co-worker: My computer is magical. It does strange things.

Me: That's a logical conclusion.

*** More time passes ***

Co-worker solves the problem. The port was busy because Ubuntu was already running PostgreSQL on that port.

Third co-worker shimes in: Oh yeah, I had the exact same problem and it took me a long time to solve it.

Everyone is sitting in arms reach of each other.

So not only was I right from the start. Someone else heard this whole conversation and didn't chime in with his solution. And the troubleshooting step of booting into windows and looking if a database is running there ???? Wtf

Why was I put on this Earth?

So before today, I'd never used GoDaddy before. Not even once. My supervisor walks in and happily informs me that I'm going to be adding photos to a website that she does editing for. Okay, fine, that's stupidly easy. What I did not realize, however, is that this entire website had been built using GoDaddy's site builder, and if you're not familiar with it, thank whatever gods you worship that you've dodged that bullet. I hardly want to go wandering around somebody else's web hosting, so I search about for a bit praying that there's SOME semblance of a normal text editor someplace, because text editors make me happy and all, and find very little on the regular site. Already not thrilled. So I figure, how bad is this site editor? Really, how bad can it possibly be?
Oh, you poor misguided son of a -
Anyway, I go in and look at the site. Slideshows everywhere, nothing is aligned correctly, it's a web designer's nightmare. Thankfully, I'm not a web designer, so I press on and reorganize a little bit. I try slapping a new slideshow on their, and discover that unlike the way it SHOULD work, elements do not move to allow for other elements, they just sit there and let you throw things on top of them. I stare at my neatly-stacked slideshows for a second in utter disbelief, knowing but not really accepting that I'm going to need to take every last one of those slideshow elements and slide those little so-and-so's down by hand. ....why? Who designed this? Who decided that was a good idea? I do some Googling to see if there's anything out there to make this less horrid, and lo and behold I find a GoDaddy page about their FTP file manager! It's under web/classic hosting, which apparently means it's deprecated because I spent the next ten minutes hunting around for the "web hosting" link those chicken-lickers were so proud of and it's nowhere to be found.
Alright, so they want to do this the hard way.
At this point I'm screaming internally and PRAYING that I'm just being stupid and not seeing anything to make it easi-
No, not even easier. Just less stupid. This website builder makes no sense. It's like hiring a contractor to build a bridge and handing him a box of Legos and a banana.
So I do more googling and find instructions on getting to the file manager. FINALLY. The first step is find "Hosting" under "My Products." I rush over to My Products joyfully, hoping I can get this stupid website up and running reasonably quickly, and...!
There's no hosting tab.
No button.
Not even a little hard-to-see link. At this point my brain is screaming. WHY would you give me a website builder but absolutely no way to actually write the website? Do people actually use this thing? I mean, I get it if they want to make it nice and accessible for people to make websites without overwhelming them with HTML but if they know how to edit the website and they don't want your help, why would you force me in to this? Why? Then it occurred to me that maybe the organization just hasn't ever had a web developer in it, ever, or at least not one who was willing to help out with the website, so they purposefully signed up for hosting that deprived them of any kind of HTML editor. Then on top of all of that, I noticed that on the home page, which had been edited by someone else long before I ever looked at it, ALSO had one of these stupid slideshows that I had to reorganize by hand, and some sad, angry little man had put in one of the photos sideways. It was SIDEWAYS. Just sitting there on its side, the photo's occupants staring at me with sad eyes begging me to turn them facing up again. I sat there and stared at a badly-designed website in a questionably-designed editor. And I wondered. I wondered who put this all together, and I wondered why *I* was the one doing it, when I work for a university and the website was for some beach homeowner's association. And I wondered if this job was a task that my supervisor had agreed to do and just passed off onto an office monkey. And I wept bitter tears at the realization that I am that office monkey.

1. Bullshit coding challenges that you wouldn't be any good at unless you were doing the same stuff like yesterday. For an entry level job.

2. Stupid tech leads, who can't see people smarter than them so they bring you down in an interview to feel better about themselves. They'll ask you stuff they know is outside of your scope. Mine often ends up being about networking.

3. Stupid HR questions, that basically ask you to ass-kiss the company.

4. When you're actually better than the interviewer at just about anything, including maths, so you have to tiptoe around their ego and not call them out on being slow.

5. When they don't even give you a chance. You enter the interview and by question 3 you know they're gonna reject you and you never had a chance to begin with, so internally you start screaming for the money you spent on the new coat to impress these fuckers.

6. Salary negotiation when you're broke and you'll work for anything that covers your bills and food, basically.

7. Explaining the gaps in resume or radical changes. Like why I was a barista for six months after six months of being out of work.

Just started a new job and am looking through the code base. I think I'll have plenty of material for this site at least. 🙃

Today I had to teach a product manager how to use git. It took about 30 minutes to create a proper pull request. Then another 30 to update it when he fucked the change up.

It was a one line change...needless to say I was internally screaming after the first 10 minutes.

DO NOT LIE ON YOUR RESUMÉ!

I don't understand why people do this. I understand that some shady recruiters like to "gin up" the occasional resumé, but I'm talking about the people who write that they're familiar with MySQL and can't even write a SELECT, or the people who write that they're familiar with Python and can't describe the differences between v2 and v3.

And the interviews are awkward as *fuck*.

I: "So it says you're good at MySQL, could you answer a few questions about it?"

C: "Uhh... okay"

I (sensing danger): "Why would you add an index to table that already exists?"

C: "I.. don't know"

I (oh jesus I see where this is going): "Okay, we'll skip that. How would you query across a couple of tables?"

C: "Uh...."

I ([internally screaming]): "How about a single query on a single table?"

C: "I don't know that, sorry..."

I (desperately wanting to ask why the FUCK is MySQL on your resumé?): "Thank you for your time, we'll call you."

You almost feel sorry for the guy, but come the fuck on, did you think nobody would check?

*Screaming Internally* I'm really, REALLY, stressed.

We just entered the final sprint for the finishing of a major project. This is my first "Launch" type achievement since I started working as a programmer(I started almost exactly a year ago)

We have a lot of work done on the project, and it's very clearly near "Completion" but we all know a programmers job is never done.

But specifically I've been thinking about the code i've worked on. I've been at the burnt out phase of the development for a week now, I haven't been getting a lot done, and I can't help but stress that my code is going to be what breaks on launch day and i'm going to get canned or something...

It's not that i'm a bad programmer(at least I don't think) but more or less that I just have been so stressed I think I've made some mistakes, and I think it's going to blow up in my face, and I might lose my job over it.

How do you guys deal with work stress?

Is it common to have QA and Product Management in sprint planning? Cuz they are derailing sprint planning SO MUCH!!! I am internally screaming. Aaaaaaaaand they just extended the scope of one of the issues. Neat.

co-worker : "hey, have you listened to this cool rocking song"

*Absolutely no idea about what he's talking about*

Me : *internally screaming* no I haven't

CW : well you should check it out, it really blah blah blah

I lost interest mid-way.

Protip : never intimate your colleagues out of their interest

Client wants me to document the updated patch in the system... In detail. I just want to upgrade their server memory but noooooo. They want me to detail it all in step-by-step, including change impact, description task, expected time duration, back-out plan.

The first time I had to do this, it was cute. But now it's FUCKING ANNOYING ON HOW DETAIL THEY WANT ME TO PUT IN!!!

Client: "OK, so you wanna upgrade the server memory. What do you need to bring into the data centre?"
Me: "Just my laptop. I'm just configuring your underutilised server memory and upgrade it."
Client: "Good. Put that in the document, including your laptop serial #, make and model."
Me: *Screaming internally*

Sorry I'm a bit late to the party, what's up with reddit right now?

People are mad because they want money if you use their platform? Like wtf? Of course they do so.

One comment I read had me screaming internally. "I'm deleting all my stuff, I don't want them to make money with my intellectual property!" Thefuck. They make money with the fact they give you a platform for your irrelevant opinion you asshat.

Tbh, I'm just afraid of all the porn I might be unable to access in the future. Does someone archive all and everything tagged with NSFW please?

Why would someone sane use calibri font in their company logo ?

> gotta work with a React Native project
> it's been working but started to error out for no discernible reasons
> fukk
> can't find the root of the problem, let's backtrace to the very beginning
> gotta set up a clean project and go from there
> pic related

I'm internally screaming. I just installed it by cli and ran it. I DID NOTHING and it's already borked.

I was late with getting into programming and only started considering it after completing an education in animation before (unwillingly) working jobs outside of that field for a few years.

I had to really dig to try and figure out what I'd enjoy doing, and it's when I asked myself what I enjoyed about things in the past like railroad tycoon that I got on the track (eh?) of putting stuff together and making it work.

I remember seeing my friend play and I was screaming internally at his "who cares it works" solutions. When we later played ottd I would try to set up my stuff so that it was readable and because I realized how annoying it is when I can't figure out what my friend's tracks are supposed to do without asking him.

I was basically a developer all along. It's just that my only programming language was railroad tracks and signals.

tried to pick some smart dude's brain about my problem cuz I'm just screaming internally being unable to think about it myself and have no ability to write it out in pseudocode without confusing myself or on paper so I need someone to bounce around with this

proceed to have to teach him basics of how computers work...

... realize he's slow at it and that I know a lot

I will take this self-compliment. I might be on a journey of self-compliments now, since he actually wanted to learn to code for a while. not a bad potential reality tunnel actually. I guess this is ok

guess I'll just keep screaming internally about my problem until I birth the requisite neurons automagically. no pain no gain 😭
literally no clue how to think or plan stuff out without having to put the whole thing in my head. always been a problem for me. grrrrr