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Joined devRant on 10/16/2016
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The first time I realized I wasn't as good as I thought I was when I met the smartest dev I've ever known (to this day).
I was hired to manage his team but was just immediately floored by the sheer knowledge and skills this guy displayed.
I started to wonder why they hired outside of the team instead of promoting him when I found that he just didn't mesh well with others.
He was very blunt about everything he says. Especially when it comes to code reviews. Man, he did /not/ mince words. And, of course, everyone took this as him just being an asshole.
But being an expert asshole myself, I could tell he wasn't really trying to be one and he was just quirky. He was really good and I really liked hanging out with him. I learned A LOT of things.
Can you imagine coming into a lead position, with years of experience in the role backing your confidence and then be told that your code is bad and then, systematically, very precisely, and very clearly be told why? That shit is humbling.
But it was the good kind of humbling, you know? I really liked that I had someone who could actually teach me new things.
So we hung out a lot and later on I got to meet his daughter and wife who told me that he had slight autism which is why he talked the way he did. He simply doesn't know how to talk any other way.
I explained it to the rest of the team (after getting permission) and once they understood that they started to take his criticism more seriously. He also started to learn to be less harsh with his words.
We developed some really nice friendships and our team was becoming a little family.
Year and a half later I had to leave the company for personal reasons. But before I did I convinced our boss to get him to replace me. The team was behind him now and he easily handled it like a pro.
That was 5 years ago. I moved out of the city, moved back, and got a job at another company.
Four months ago, he called me up and said he had three reasons for us to meet up.
1. He was making me god father of his new baby boy
2. That they created a new position for him at the company; VP of Engineering
and
3. He wanted to hang out
So we did and turns out he had a 4th reason; He had a nice job offer for me.
I'm telling this story now because I wanted to remind everyone of the lesson that every mainstream anime tells us:
Never underestimate the power of friendship.21 -
Mobile app dev here 🙋♂️
Guy at work asking me why his phone feels heavier then mine (we have the same phones)
I just told him that his phone gets heavier with every apps he installs.
1 week later he meets me outside the office and tells me he deleted a lot of apps and his phone is actually lighter know.
Sometimes I just want to cry 😂😂😂12 -
Here skiddie skiddie... a collection of obviously fake "hacking tools" that bait skids into doxing themselves. [more details]29
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A one-button phone app that allows you to anonymously converse with other strangers in your vicinity [more details]6
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When I was an intern, I wrote a very heavy MySQL query with multiple joins. Quite frustrated, I asked for some help from one of my seniors.
He came by on my desk and told me, "Explain your query!".
I was completely blank-faced O_O.
After a few moments, the senior grabbed this hopeless bastard's keyboard and typed "EXPLAIN" in the beginning of the query; and then ran it.
I thought he was being hard to me.7 -
Da Fuck!?!
Yesterday I found some abnormal activity on my server, someone was trying to brute force my ssh as root since two days! Started raging and installed fail2ban (which automatically bans an IP if it fails to log X times and eventually sends me an email). Woke up this morning to find that a fucking Chinese guy/malware spent the whole night trying to brute Force me!
Fucking cunt! Don't you have any better to do!!
My key is a 32 characters long encrypted key, with the ban he can try 3 passwords /2 hours, good luck brute forcing it you bitch!
36 -
This is fucking annoying with some clients.
Client calls:
Me: Hello, how can I help you?
Client: *explains problem*
Me: *tells possible solution*
Client: you sound young, could you connect me to a more senior person?
Me: Sure.
Collegue: Hello, how can I help you?
Client: *explains problem again*
Collegue: *gives same solution as me*
Client: Oh uhm but that's the same solution the boy I had on the phone before you told me.
Collegue: Yeah......?
Client: well he sounded so young...
Collegue: Being young does not equal being inexperienced/less knowing about something.39 -
Boss: “Our YouTube channel doesn’t look at all like our website.”
Me: “I’ve made it look as close to our branding as YouTube allows for with its limited editing controls.”
Boss: “This is unacceptable. I expected more from you.”
Me: “I cannot accept the blame for this. YouTube is setting the design parameters for all channels and I can only do so much.”
Boss: “You can call the YouTube, can’t you? Why didn’t you call them?”
Me: “.......and ask them....what?”
Boss: “You don’t ask! You tell! Our company has been around for 140 years. Our brand name carries that weight. They’ll change their design to what we need if you’re assertive enough.”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.”50 -
Hired a new backend Dev. He writes a script and sends it for testing...
Tester: "It's not working..."
Backend Dev: Goes to Mongo and deletes the tester's whole profile...
I cant control my laughter every time I remember this incident...He claimed it was a mistake, I don't think that it was a mistake...the tester had it coming...
"It's not working" that's all he says every time...I mean at least give me something to start with...!4 -
A super creepy webcrawler I built with a friend in Haskell. It uses social media, various reverse image searches from images and strategically picked video/gif frames, image EXIF data, user names, location data, etc to cross reference everything there is to know about someone. It builds weighted graphs in a database over time, trying to verify information through multiple pathways — although most searches are completed in seconds.
I originally built it for two reasons: Manager walks into the office for a meeting, and during the meeting I could ask him how his ski holiday with his wife and kids was, or casually mention how much I would like to learn his favorite hobby.
The other reason was porn of course.
I put further development in the freezer because it's already too creepy. I'd run it on some porn gif, and after a long search it had built a graph pointing to a residence in rural Russia with pictures of a local volleyball club.
To imagine that intelligence agencies probably have much better gathering tools is so insane to think about.53 -
Boss: I saw that you are using {some JavaScript library}, why?
Me: you asked for this functionality and the library is very good for that
Boss: here at our company we do not use code from other people, we write everything ourselves
Me: but this library is very well built, actively developed and supported
Boss: I don't care, please rewrite this component
Suffice to say, I quit that job asap. Whoever thinks it's a good idea write so much code for a small purpose in an application when there is something available open source to use, is stupid. In most cases it's better to use something which is out there than to waste time writing a hardly stable version of it.24 -
Manager: Write a function to get tomorrow's date.
Kids:
int getTomorrowsDate() {
return getCurrentDate() + 1;
}
Legends:
int getTomorrowsDate() {
sleep(1000*60*60*24);
return getCurrentDate();
}14 -
25 phrases you wish you could say at work more often
(Warning: Contains naughty words...:-)))
1. Ahhh...I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room17 -
Github stats:
coworker 1: 3,535k ++ 987k --
coworker 2: 1,563k ++ 735k --
etc.
me: 453k ++ 7,848k --
I guess this confirms my job at the company as "Backend Crap Remover".7
