Screw Emojis!!

Client asks how many days will it take to implement feature XYZ.

I say 3 days. But Skype had other plans.

Wanted to make a website with some of my friends about whatever kid thing we were into at the time. None of our parents cared, it was the 90s and nobody took the internet seriously.

Copied and pasted bits of html into notepad and FTPed them to some free webhost over dialup. The website lasted three weeks -- my friends got bored, I got hooked.

A few years later I found myself wondering why some websites used ".php" instead of ".html". I discovered this shiny new thing called PHP 4. Built a website for some video game I was into using it. Spent the next two years teaching myself everything there was to know.

Took programming in high school. Chose CS over mechanical engineering because I liked the university better. Got an internship which turned into a job which turned into a career.

Does anyone else feel bad when they close Google Maps before they reach their destination?

Sometimes I feel bad for Mr./Ms. Navigator when they don't even get the sense of fulfillment of saying "You have arrived at your destination".

#wife{
right:100%;
margin:0;
}

Parents with computer problems

When I get a dog, I'm naming it "Sudo".

That would be 🙄

Wizards live long.

os.js

An OS that runs in a browser..

..which runs in an OS.

Girl : I like dangerous men.
Me : I didn't run test cases while committing my changes last night.
Girl : my hero!

Me : *wakes up from the dream*

I hate when I go on stack overflow to find an answer, and all the comments for the correct answer say, "awesome thanks!", "Works perfectly now, thanks!". While I sit staring at my screen feeling like a complete idiot because I don't understand the given answer at all!

UI design gone wrong

Rofl😂😂😂

My friend said an intern designed this UI for an internal site.

No. Just... no

The only expressions devs have

"Why did you apply?"

- "Um, cuz I kinda like getting paid"

Parents:why is my iPad so slow?

Me: It's old (1st gen that came out in 2010)

P:well just clean it up and make it go faster

M:Theres nothing to clean... Theres only a browser app and solitaire....

P: well just fix it so it's faster

M:....... *turns it off and on again*

M: All fixed

Them: You're a Python developer? So you work with snakes?

Me: ...

I once got fired for being sick and show up at the office without doctor certificate, crazy thing i got better job same day then posted to LinkedIn haha

If I could represent my life using 32-bit signed integers, you would be -2,147,483,648 because you are the Most Significant Bit of my life ❤

Rant: THAT FUCKING CREATIVE AGENCY, THAT USES A FUCKING HOSTING PROVIDER, THAT DOESN'T OFFER SSH! GUESS WHO'S CURRENTLY UPLOADING 4000 FILES? BEST OF ALL EVERY 200-ISCH FILES THE CONNECTION GET'S REFUSED, TELLING, THERE ARE TO MANY REQUESTS (FileZilla is set to max 2 simultanious uploads, still the same)

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK OF A CRAPPY DEPLOYMENT PROCESS.

I know that my coworker can't write a single fucking operable line of code. So I wrote a script that is called everytime someone pushes new commits. If the commits contain the username of my coworker, create a ticket in YouTrack with the Label "Rewrite", and assign it to the files changed.
So I had that running for a longer time, and my dumbfuck of coworker hardcoded the credentials of the server in a networking library. One of the credentials was his username. He then updated the copyright on the whole project(which adds a copyright in the top of every file), also in the included librarys(!). The script had a check if the files are related to the project or just librarys. In the end, he pushed all of that with another account(in fact, a reporter account), which had another name(and didn't even belong him). So the files didn't belong to the project, the script sees his username anyways, the script assigns a rewrite, and in the end, everyone in the team thinks I'm mad because I(the script with my account) assigned a rewrite to a HUGE library.

PS: It was great fun to remove these copyright notices.

"I will go to sleep after i fix this bug" 10min later I look outside, North Korea and the USA are fighting a nuclear war, russia invaded europe, hitler rose from the death and there's even more javascript frameworks

Random Uncle: So what do you do?

Me: Uncle, I'm a dev at xyz company.

RU: Ah so what do they do

Me: Uncle we work in the internet advertising business, kind of like AdSense

RU: So you basically spam the web?

Me: Yes :/

Its been years since i saw my desktop wallpaper.

Got the best cake for my 30th birthday. Only if my wife understood what language I program with. I still love her though!

Eminem helps convert my rage into code

Today when showing a game that I made:
X: So you used Unity, it's so easy
Me: Yeah I mean compared to....
X: Thus since you used a game engine, I can't say your game was completly developed by you.
Me: So you are saying that since a builder didn't make bricks thus he can't claim credits on the building he made?

When you're not creative enough to make a post that would give you some stickers but you have a 3D printer...

Jusssttt in case anything goes wrong over the weekend I got a team of developers on standby...