An entirely typical exchange at work:

PM: How long would it take to build an application that collates Gubblefluffs and exports them as a PDF?

ME: Hard to say. What’s a Gubblefluff?

PM: Nothing complex. Its basically an object with some stuff in.

ME: Erm, okay. So I’ll define a Gubblefluff object plus methods to add edit and delete, then for each Gubblefluff have it write a line to a PDF.

PM: It will need to email that PDF to somebody.

ME: Okay, cool. “Gubblefluffs-by-email” should take about a day.

6 hours later…

ME: I’ve done Gubblefluffs-to-pdf, I’m not clear on what’s in a Gubblefluff but I’ve made it flexible so it can take almost anything.

PM: No, a Gubblefluff can ONLY be one of 4 Snigglefingers plus a timestamp and some JSON.

ME: What? Right. Okay. What’s a Snigglefinger?

PM: (sighs) A Snigglefinger is the collection of relevant Babelsets.

ME: Babelsets?

PM: Yeah, a user can have any number of Babelsets but they must correspond to one of the four types of Snigglefingers.

ME: There are users!?

PM: Of course!

ME: But I’ve not coded anything for users.

PM: Shit. I’ve told the client they can have it today. How long to add in users?

ME: And Babelsets, and Snigglefingers and the new Gubblefluff rules?

PM: Yeah.

6 days later…

ME: This is done now. It’s a beast but it works. Who should it email the PDFs to?

PM: Client X, plus cc to Y and bcc to Z.

ME: What? It doesn't support CC and BCC!

1 hour later…

ME: This is done. I’ve tested it and sent you a copy of the PDF it generates.

PM: Okay thanks. Is the cron running daily?

ME: What cron?

…

ME: Okay, so the cron’s running once a day at 8pm.

PM: Oh, it’ll need to be at 3:15pm. That’s when we’ve told the client they’ll get it.

ME: Right. I’ll change it...

PM: Also, the PDF you sent me looks nothing like the visual.

ME: What visual?
...

There´s only one bad thing about switching to Linux:
You should´ve been using it from the beginning

My worst nightmare:

No dark theme.

Sums up our current job at work - a rushed redesign of a rushed web app.

Just upgraded my Ubuntu 16.10 to 17.04. It destroyed my PC. I knew it would happen but I was curious because they asked me on every system startup :/

This is why you should apply your own cooling paste

I'm starting to think customers know when I'm busy and take that moment to break their products.

I JUST WANT TO LET MY LEG SOAK IN EPSOM WATER... your users are going to bed soon, it's a freaking Saturday, and you need to go get laid because you have too much time on your hands. I'm in pain and cannot help you restore service if you don't stay on the line. So please... don't. Fucking. Call me. Unless you're going to stay on the line to test. You're pushing my limits, and if my voice gets any quieter, it means I'm about to find your porn accounts and register you as an amateur, uploading cows fucking to get you banned from all the services. Congratulations sir, you've pissed me off so bad, I'm using my "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" voice I learned from my mother. I hope you're happy. I'm so mad I'm not even swearing anymore. I always swear.

Edit: if my voice ever sounds sweet and demure over the phone, someone is about to get fucked with a red hot fireplace poker. This fucker getting close.

Taking dark theme to extreme.

—_😂_—

Outliers are just like haters in real life!!!

1. Decide to learn optimisation algorithms
2. Realise that you have forgotten calculus
3. Decide to learn from the beginning
4. Search for tutorials
5. Go through the introduction parts
6. You know that you can't complete
7. You watch other entertainment things on YouTube.

Stories of a lazy programmer...

They break your heart too 😭💔

Xcode humor.. 😏

FUCK YOU SHITTY FUCKING DICK HEAD!!!.. I'M FUCKING TIRED OF YOUR FUCKING BULLSHIT ABOUT "YOU'RE A PROGRAMMER... YOU MUST KNOW HOW TO USE PHOTOSHOP!"... OR "SUCH A SHITTY PROGRAMMER YOU ARE... DON'T YOU KNOW HOW TO FIX MY COMPUTER"... OR "CAN YOU MAKE ME AN APP?... IT'S LIKE OTHER APP BUT BETTER, I CAN'T GIVE YOU MORE DETAILS BECAUSE IT'S CONFIDENCIAL, SO YOU GOT TO DO IT WHIT OUT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE TO DO"... GO TO FUCK YOURSELF WITH A TRUCK FULL OF DONKEYS FUCKING IDIOT!!!... STOP TALKING BULLSHIT AND GET AND FUCKING LIFE YOU ASSHOLE!!!... sorry about my english for those who read

(was teaching C++ to a newbie)

Me: aight, so to print a statement, you type cout.

(Proceeds to do so)

Her: um, okay but printer is not connected.

Me: aw, you poor thing.

USB sounds like a backup in case the USA fails

I think the most annoying thing of being a programmer is to accidentally press ctrl + s on a browser because of having been saving so much

Best sorting algorithm ever.
Sleep sort.
😂

When a restaurant banner gives you an error message.

Today was my first day at work after Easter break...

It's 22:00 and my head is buried in my pillow filled by random thoughts of violence, rm -rf / schemes and questions about where my life is going!

So... Anyone wanna open a coffee shop?
Or something involving waffles...
Mmmmmmmm waffles

Do you ever feel like you're the socially awkward one on your team?

I used up all my sick days... So I called in dead

All the time

Choosing a pc to buy.
- kids: "can it run minecraft?"
- casual gamers: "can it run overwatch?"
- serious gamers: "can it run witcher 3?"
- business people: "can it run several excel sheets?"
- me: "can it run linux?"

I am starting to realise that there really is nothing more permanent than a temporary fix.

Boss: "Here's our new intern! He's a bloody genius doing apps! Perfect for that important project that shouldn't be trusted to an intern!!"

*takes intern 9 weeks to do a login view without any real backend*

Turns out the guy couldn't do shit but steal others code and change background color.

Boss: "He wasn't very good..."
Me: "You interview him. How about you bring a developer to the interview next time..."
Boss: "Doesn't matter. The app needs to be done the day after tomorrow, good luck"
Me: "............"

*puts on coffee, cries, programs the app in miserable silence*

Management said "we are agile"...now they ordered us to do changes in production server in daylight...I'm seriously think said FRAGILE...

"Are you familiar with uploading your code to Google Drive?"

I left the building at that exact moment.

　
　
　

H̶͙̠͇̹̰͉̣̠̯͎̙̫͖̜̗̮͍̰͒ͧ̉̑̆̏̅̏̀̕͟͝a̞̮̠̱̰͚̲̩̟͕̣̱͇̯̦͎͕̪͓ͯ͐͗̿ͨ͒̈ͩ̃̉̍ͨ̍͑́̚c̻̮̰̳̜̟͓͕̱̠̰̦̾̽͌̋͆ͣͪ̈̈ͦ̍ͮ̃̒̔̂ͪ̒́̚ķ̴̱̳͓̥̫̭̹͖̥̦͚̙̼̒ͯ͌ͬͬ̐̓͐ͮ̂͊̃̀̎ͣ̅́eͬ̊̿̐͂ͦ̎̄̂̎̈ͦͥͬ̀͏͖͍͙͉͓͓̙͍̪ͅr̞̳̪̩̪̼̼̱͎̘͙̫̞͔̖͎̙̓ͦ͌͋͞͝ͅm̶͔̖̳͎̗͑ͫͤͭ̅̀̀ͨ̒̒ả̴̬̜͖̹͖͛͋̎͂͆̓̋͋̇͊ͬ̿̉ͥͤ̆n̨̰̬̩̫̠͓̈̅͑̅ͦ̐ͪ̓͂̎̀̚̚̚

　
　

Developers Poetry:
"Bed would be lovely, soft and deep,
but I’ve a deadline I must keep
and much to write before I sleep,
and much to write before I sleep."