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Thinking about the Ex. Cant sleep. Again.

Before I start, I have to warn you, this is one long ass rant, with alot of swearing and personal feels. Like every good rant should be. Also, it is very late, and I'm tired, and I can't sleep, and I'm sad, so you'll just have to deal with every typo and grammatical mistake.

Sometimes I'm jealous of people who have never been in a relationship. People who have never been in love with somebody and then had to see them drift out, go away...

Sometimes I wonder if everything that had been between me and her was worth the pain I felt when she left. But I don't have to think much to answer that yes, it was fucking worth everything, and I'd do it all over again a million times. But...

Just when you thought the bad thoughts are gone, BAM, your brain pops them out at you like a zit, and when you're done with that bad thought the second comes even harder, and then the third and the fourth and there are all these thoughts that just flood your mind and before you know it, you're thinking about her/him again, and even though its been weeks or months or years, once again, your mind is their captive, a fucking war prisoner, and then you look at the clock and its the middle of the night, and you can't sleep, and you know you won't fall asleep again, because your mind isn't yours.

You're thinking about her eyes, her breath, her smell, her taste after she drinks her morning coffee, you're thinking about all the wonderful things that have been between you, all the memories... and suddenly, your brain takes a sharp turn from Memory Lane down towards Shitfest Avenue. You're thinking about how you broke up, how you didn't sleep that night, how the next morning you woke up and texted her "I just had the STRANGEST dream"... and then you remember you're alone. And then you think about what shes doing. How are her studies? Her job? Her friends and family?

And then you think about all the guys shes fucked since. Because you know how beautiful she is, and you know she can get whoever she wants, but you, you're not as amazing. You were lucky to have her. And then you think about her fucking this other guy, and of course in your mind her sex is so better than what you guys had, because you're worthless, and she probably faked every orgasm you gave her too. He probably has a way bigger dick too.

You think that she moved on, that she forgot about you, that every wonderful moment you shared had been erased from her mind the moment she left, and that you're nothing more than "that Ex with a small dick" for her.
You contemplate whether she thinks the same things about you, if she remembers the good stuff, the inside jokes, the promises, the sex, you wonder if she ever closed her eyes and thought about you instead of her man... but then you remember that you're falling on a pillow, and she's falling asleep on another man's chest.

And that you're nothing for her. Just distant memories.

And you know that its been so long since you broke up, but, damn it, finding someone else ain't easy. Well, for her it is, but not you. And everyone you've met, everyone you kissed or took to bed, nobody had her smell, her eyes, nobody had that funny taste in their mouth after they've had their morning coffee. And maybe you should be satisfied with other girls, but god fucking damn it, it doesnt matter how amazing you look if I dont love you, if I dont care about you, because without that, everything feels empty, meaningless.

And besides that, you're not her.