"Don't give your 100%. Never. Once you gave, managers will start expecting more than that." - My mentor.

"WiFi is better than Ethernet because the air is bigger so it can hold more internet."

Yes, and horse-drawn carriages are better than cars because they have bigger wheels.

If Gordon Ramsay made code reviews, I would watch that show. Especially the insults he would use for handling clients.

"This code has so much spaghetti, it decided to open it's own restaurant"

My friend said "I googled it on duck duck go"

Me: Dude what?

You think code is complicated?
Wait till you import a wife.

When you mention in your resume that you are an active contributor to Linux source code.

I'll start my own series on hacking.

BECOME A HACKER WITH 4 SIMPLE STEPS!!!!!1!

#1 Open cmd

#2 Enter hackermode
Type "color 0a"

#3 write a Hackerscript
Type "%0 | %0"
Step 3 is a bit risky and may fail. Reboot and repeat until you understand why it failed

#4 Realize that the internet is scary place and that you can't trust anyone.

We're fucked guys, we're fucked.

Got call from extremely angry customer, our product is shit and doesn't work. At all. Important customer so I went to visit.

He had the perfect setup, our product to the left, our competitor's to the right.

He connected the Ethernet cable to their product, it worked. He plugged it out and connected to ours... Nothing. Shit.

I started to debug on the premises, took logs, everything. It seemed like our product didn't receive any data at all. What the fuck? Tried everything, debugged low level, still nothing. Sweating as hell.

After two hours I got a strange feeling. So I swapped place, our product to the right, competitor's to the left. Now OUR product worked, competitor's zilch.

THE FUCKING ETHERNET CABLE HAD A GLITCH. IF YOU BENT IT TO THE RIGHT IT WORKED, IF YOU BENT IT TO THE LEFT IT WAS BROKEN.

I had never seen a customer be this embarrassed in my life. He apologized to me, my boss, his boss, the Queen, everyone.

We got the contract.

Web Development on a single laptop is tough....

Window 1: editor, tabs for markup, styles, server, terminal

Window 2: browser...so small that everything is in low res mode, if not mobile.

Window 3: database, stress testing system and making sure data flows properly.

Window 4: design specs.

*shudders*

try {
❤
} catch(e) {
🍺
}

Girl: "hey"

My Brain:
java.lang.NullPointerException:
at net.brain.functions.Talk.retrieveSpeech(Talk.java:2978)
at net.brain.functions.Talk.createFlirtyResponse(Talk.java:3132)

Me: null

*Girl walks away*

Me: *puts small piece of tape over webcam*

NSA: Okay guys, shut it all down. No way we can record from the microphone, log keys, access the file system, USB devices, network data or watch the screen. He did the tape.

Best Valentine’s Day present ever! She knows me so well. This will be VERY useful in work.

Thanks @Number0, love you

Developers' excuses

Junior : it works on my machine
Senior : it worked on my machine yesterday

No doubt 😂

"Any product that needs a manual to work is broken." - Elon Musk

pshht 🤫😄

Case 1 - You sold the coins. And price continue to increase

Case. - Even when the coin reached it peak, you just hold the coins, because you learned something from Case 1. Eventually coin collapse.

And this continues in loop

Devs don't have a bucket list; we have a // TODO list

EVERYTIME!!

Such dedication much wow

Bitcoin is a toy which got attention like Fidget spinner.. but Blockchain is an Art it is future..
Anybody wants to invest $$$$ in other Blockchain tech .

My company is like:

Boss: How long do you estimate to make a universe?
God: 14 billion years.
Boss: You have 7 days. Please reserve 1 for Q&A.

Defragmentation

[via https://twitter.com/jeremiahtolbert...]

Successfully
Wasted
Another Day
of my Life...
Can go to sleep now...

YouTube comments at it's best

buzzword translations:

"cloud" -> someones computer

"big data" -> lots of somewhat irrelevant data

"ai" -> if if if if if if if if if if if if if else

"algorithm" -> something that works but you don't know why

"secure" -> https://

"cyber security" -> kali linux + black hoodie

"innovation" -> adding something completely irrelevant such as making a poop emoji talk

"blockchain" -> we make lots of backups

"privacy" -> we store your data, we just don't tell you about it

Me: I mend shoes

Found something true as 1 == 1