Frontend & backend dev conversation

Backend Dev: what will you be working on?
Frontend dev: i will be creating a nice animated loader. You?
Backend Dev: i will be working on optimizing the backend so that no one can see your loader.

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I want a name and a gun.

I've had my laptop for over 3 years now. Never, in these 3 years, have I installed Microsoft Teams on it.

I just turned my laptop on, and I now have the Ms Teams icon on my desktop, and Teams has started itself and is asking me to log in.
Control panel says it has been installed today.

I want somebody's head. And then smash it into a pulp with my bare hands and shove that up their ass.

if it works...

When a normal person says "IMHO", it means "In my humble opinion"

When a programmer says "IMHO", its means "You are wrong".

Found this gem somewhere on dev.to 😂😂

@ynnk </3

I want Gordon Ramsey to start a IT program in the same fashion as Hotel Hell and Kitchen Nightmares

He'll sit at a desk with a laptop, examining code as if he's eating food, venting frustrations and screaming insults out loud

Then he'll have a talk with the team and see how they work on a day

After that he'll go into the freezer (server room) and scream at mold and cockroaches

Then comes the intervention where we discover that the PM is still grieving about the death of his original programming language and the team loves him but thinks he should move on

The next day the development studio is modernised and has a candy bar, tennis table and everyone is forced to use linux on their new macbooks

Then we experience a good day where everything is great and velocity is through the roof

Then Gordon leaves and everything is shit again

[Interviewer] : How would you use MySQL?

[Student] : your SQL? Can I get mine so that I can use it?

[Interviewer] * confused what to say *

To the cunt who named himself "Uncaught ReferenceError: username is not defined":
Sincerely, fuck you.

Google: hey website owner, use link rel preload for images loaded by CSS to reduce roundtrip delays. Chrome supports that, Safari also, and even Edge does.

Mozilla: we had some bug with preload back in FF 57 and our solution since has just been to disable preload per default. Done. Who would care about loading speed?

Also Mozilla: we have no idea why our market share has been plunging. Google is evil.

Most developers are shit.

Interviewer: Do you know about SQL injection?

Student: Yessss

Interviewer: Okay, how we can prevent it?

Student: Yes, we should prevent it as prevention is always better than cure. It can lead to data loss and other problems so it can be difficult to fix it if it happens. The best case is that nothing like that takes place. [...]

Interviewer: I get it but how?

Student: By not building any web applications.

[Silence]

Interviewer: Nice, you may go. Do not call us. We will call you.

continued…
I'm In Canada. A woke HR lady hires an African guy despite him plagiarizing code and lying through an interview. First day he surfs soccer websites so I confront it and HR lady basically calls me a racist and to watch my back.

A second African new-hire comes into the office today and he seems quite capable in an area of specialization for our team. So I ask if we can have him on our team because he has skills. The exec decides to look at the costing for him and goes, "HOLY SHIT WHY ARE WE PAYING ANYONE THAT MUCH?" She looks at the résumé of the new guy and finds out that he is only at intermediate level in his specialization. So I say, "It could be worse. The other guy flat out lied through his interview and he got hired anyway." I forward the emails where I recommended against hiring the other guy and why.

My exec, who is a company stakeholder, opens the pricing list for recent hires. It is obvious that if you are not not white you get paid way above market value for your skill level. Exec is pissed off on a level I never knew was possible.

We make a call from the board room only to find out that the head of HR (also an executive) is driving this. My exec tells me to give her the room. The yelling was so loud everyone could hear what was said from outside the boardroom. At one point the HR lady says, "Just because we could get them cheaper doesn't mean that we should… We pay that much because it is 'the right thing to do'." My executive goes completely silent for a few seconds then in a super aggressive way says.

"…I am going to have your FUCKING head for this. Then I will make sure that you NEVER get a job in HR again for the rest of my natural life. ONLY ONE of us will survive this. YOU are the one pissing away profit. So get ready because I'm going to drown you and your team like a bag full of unwanted puppies." Then she hung up the Polycom. She came out about a minute later and kicked the office manager out of his office and sat there all day making calls and sending emails.

https://devrant.com/rants/2337768/...

We have a bunch of white people in human resources that are trying to hire "diverse" people because the company sets HR diversity targets. Which is an inherently racist way of hiring someone.

I am told to interview this guy who claims to have Angular experience. Before the interview I ask to see a form that he has built in Angular. He sends me a repo which is ripped off of an open source project and has the readme and git commits removed. A quick web search shows that it isn't his work. He shows up to the interview and I find out he is from a Southern African country. I deliberately ask some questions about code that I can see he didn't write that I prepared ahead of time. He lies to me and tells me all about how he wrote it which showed me that he has no idea what the code does. I tell HR they better not hire him because he was very comfortable lying to me, and I'm confident that he doesn't understand any of the code that he showed me. I do not trust this guy and would never choose to work with him. HR lady says "Ah okay."

Today he walks in with a big grin on his face. HR lady fucking hired this guy. I can see his monitors from my desk and he spent his whole first day looking at a soccer website on his second monitor. I call up HR, "Why would you even ask me to interview him if you refuse to listen to my feedback?". Lady tells me "You need to be open minded about diversity. Probably most of the things you observed were either cultural differences or language barrier." I tell her definitely not. He lied to me multiple times, and he took credit for other people's work." She tells me that they will keep an eye on me because I'm not being open to diversity.

Are you kidding me? This white lady is literally stereotyping me as a racist because I'm white.

So this fucking HR lady called me a racist because she decided to hire someone that we shouldn't trust. Then she put this asshat on my project. Now I have to be cautious about my position because HR is "watching" my racist ass. Even though I am literally the only one on the development team that is white and speaks English as my first-language. I called a team meeting before the on-boarding is over so I can tell the other developers what is happening. We restructured our code review process so that I will never give him feedback. Then when the time comes that he slips up the "diverse" developers will kick him out so I won't be reprimanded as a "racist".

This company that I work for is a special kind of stupid.

No shit man this fuckin Spotify wrapped is all I'm seeing on social media.

Holy fuck, muscle memory just saved my ass.

At a train station wanting to do some work on my mini laptop which has disk encryption (LUKS I think). Realised that I forgot the password partly 😬

Few tries.... incorrect. FUCK.

*hey, let's try to let my hands do the work based on muscle memory!*

*starts typing the password (its insanely long) and presses enter*

*succesfully unlocked, booting...*

😅

So my company hired a new UX girl last week, today is hers 3rd day at work.
Its 11.30 in the morning, I've been working for couple hours, on my custom module (if you have worked with drupal you know how stoked you are to write your own god damn code once in a while), im blasting some trance through the headphones. It is an early spring and the sky is clear. Perfect day non the less.
Out of nowhere this new UX girl appears near my desk, grabs my tea spoon without even asking and goes to stir her god damn tea. She throws it on the kitchen table without cleaning and goes to her desk.
I got so god damn triggered, this ruined my perfect mood for the upcoming 2 hours. Still cant think of a reason why she would do that, this is just plainly rude.

New job as C# junior developer 😄😄😄
Bye bye Drupal and Php.

Am I the only one who hates the idea of using CMS (WordPress, Joomla, Drupal, etc) to build websites?

Dear unknown StackExchange random dude,

You don't know me, I don't know you, but, let's be honest : I came here to get answers, not to get my question fucking edited.

Regards,

Go fuck yourself

Dear self proclaimed wordpress 'developers/programmers', kindly go fuck yourself.

I'm not talking about wordpress devs/designers who don't claim to have a better skillset than they have and are actually willing to learn, those are very much fine.

I'm talking about those wordpress people who claim that they're developers, programmers or whatever kind of bullshit which they're obviously not.

"A client's site crashed, you have to fix it!!!!!" sorry, come again? It's YOUR client's site. It's hosted on our hosting platform meaning that WE are responsible for KEEPING THE SERVERS UP AND FUNCTIONING.
You call yourself a wordpress 'developer' with 'programming experience' for 10 years but the second one of your shitty sites crashes, you come to us because 'it's your responsibility!!!'.
No, it's not. Next to that fact, the fact that you have to ask US why the site is crashing while you could easily login to your control panel, go to the fucking error logs and see that one of your facebook plugins crashes with a quite English error message, shows me that you definitely don't have 10 years of programming experience. And if you can't find that fucking article which tells you exactly where the motherfucking error logs are, don't come crying to us asking to fix your own fucking bullshit.

"My clients site got hacked, you have to clean it up and get it online again ASAP!!!!" - Nah, sorry, not my responsibility. The fact that you explicitly put your wordpress installation on 'no automatic updates' also doesn't help with my urge to fucking end you right now.
Add to that that we have some quite clear articles on wordpress security which you appearantly found too difficult (really? basic shit like 'set a strong fucking password' is too difficult for you?), you're on your own.

"I'm getting an error, please explain what's going wrong as soon as you can! this is a prio 1!!!!" - Nope. You were a wordpress dev/programmer right? Please act like one.

I'm not your personal wordpress agent.

I'm not your personal hacked wordpress site cleanup guy.

I'm not even a fucking wordpress professional. No, I'd rather jump off a bridge than develop wordpress bullshit for a living.

That you chose to do this, not a problem. Just don't rely on me for fixing your shit.

I'm sick of cleaning up your bullshit.

I'm done with answering your high prio tickets about bullshit which any dev could find out with just a few minutes of searching.

Oh your wordpress site isn't showing up so high in google? Yeah sure, shoot a ticket at us blaming us for your own SEO mess. I'm a fucking sysadmin, not a SEO expert.

I'm fucking done with you.

Go die in a fucking corner.

WordPress has really cool features!
You can uninstall it, for example.

I am doing a test on security on my server. I need people to hack it and report the findings.

My server IP is 127.0.0.1

If you feel useless, remember, Word has a dark theme

DevRant should support code snippets `like this` and
```
like this
```

Our manager is not a developer and he has no idea of what we are doing most of the time, but he thinks that stand-up meetings are the coolest way to control us.
Sometimes coworkers joke about his lack of knowledge and today I think we reached the highest jerk level: «Yesterday I opened a new branch on the git repository and today I'll continue on this task».
I struggled to stay serious on my turn.

Why do HR people ask stupid questions like the following ones? Everytime I get those questions, I have imaginary answers like the ones right after each question.

Why do you want to work here?

- Obviously, because I need the money to survive. I'm not here because I love working for you and having to endure your stress. I'm not that type of a kinky person.

Are you flexible?

- Why? Do you want to annoy me when I'm sleeping in the middle of the night because of a sudden deadline or because a god damn employee didn't show up?

Do you see yourself as a perfect fit for both developer and tech support roles?

- Read my fucking resume, moron. I applied for a developer role. Nothing else.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

- As if you would care. It's none of your business, but since we are at it. I see myself as your manager in 5 years. Hope that you like that thought.

We didn't bother reading your CV. Would you like to tell us about yourself?

- Nope. Have a nice day and suck my dick. I'm leaving.

Can you give us your phone number and the phone number of your girlfriend?

- I didn't know that I am selling my soul to your company by accepting this job offer. I'm not your slave and you will not call me whenever I'm enjoying my private time.

What's motivating you?

- Money and the peaceful vibe at work when you are shutting the fuck up when I'm fully focused during my projects.

How do you handle stress?

- I dick slap everyone infront of me.

Do you see yourself as a hard worker?

- Nah, I'm not interested in sucking dicks, eating her ass and bending over to get a little bit of a raise.

I just noticed I'm programing while wearing a black hoodie, using vim.
I hope nobody uses me for making shitty stock-photos.

This facts are killing me

"During his own Google interview, Jeff Dean was asked the implications if P=NP were true. He said, "P = 0 or N = 1." Then, before the interviewer had even finished laughing, Jeff examined Google’s public certificate and wrote the private key on the whiteboard."

"Compilers don't warn Jeff Dean. Jeff Dean warns compilers."

"gcc -O4 emails your code to Jeff Dean for a rewrite."

"When Jeff Dean sends an ethernet frame there are no collisions because the competing frames retreat back up into the buffer memory on their source nic."

"When Jeff Dean has an ergonomic evaluation, it is for the protection of his keyboard."

"When Jeff Dean designs software, he first codes the binary and then writes the source as documentation."

"When Jeff has trouble sleeping, he Mapreduces sheep."

"When Jeff Dean listens to mp3s, he just cats them to /dev/dsp and does the decoding in his head."

"Google search went down for a few hours in 2002, and Jeff Dean started handling queries by hand. Search Quality doubled."

"One day Jeff Dean grabbed his Etch-a-Sketch instead of his laptop on his way out the door. On his way back home to get his real laptop, he programmed the Etch-a-Sketch to play Tetris."

"Jeff Dean once shifted a bit so hard, it ended up on another computer. "

*Website exists*

Client: “I should be rich by now. Please fix.”

Me: “... Did you do any ... marketing?”

Client: “I don’t have money for marketing. That’s what the website is for.”