Is this the code life
Another scrum meeting
Caught in the the Node life
No escape from reality
Open your eyes
Look up to the screens and see..
I'm just a dev boy
Doing some debugging
Because there's warnings here
Errors there
Segment faults
Everywhere
Anytime you distract
Takes another hour from me
From me

*piano starts

Mama. Just committed a bug
Merge the branch to production
Did it fast for milestones
Mama. The repo has just begun
But now they going to throw the stack away.
Mama. U u u uu
Didn't mean to code in LAMP
But it's the only stack i know how to setup
In Ubuntu. Without docker
I really don't get vagrant

*piano

It's too late
My team is done
Some dev is working in Nepal
A UX dev. Now what is that?
Goodbye everybody
I've got to go
Gotta leave this lame meeting
And face the truth
Oh nooooo. I i interns
(they have questions)
I want to debug
I don't want to stay till 3 in the morning

*epic guitar

I see a litlle dev over there
Let's code review, let's code review
Did he do the last commit?
Coding in the white board
Very very frightening me
That's bug(that's a bug)
That's a bug (that's a bug)
What the f*ck did you do that?
Magnificcooooooo

I was just coding and nobody liked it
He was coding and nobody liked it, spare his some time to do his debugging

Easy man. Here go. Will you let me code?
A meeting. No,we will not let you code. ( let me code)
A meeting. we will not let you code. ( let me code)
A meeting. we will not let you code. ( let me code)
We will not let you code
Never never let you go
Never let you code, oh
No no no no no no no
Oh mama mia, mama mia ( dude, you've gotta let me code)
Screw you guys, I'm gonna code and commit. Commit. Comiiiiitt!

*epic guitar

So you think you can review me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can dump me and erase my branch?
Oh baby, cant do this to me baby
I've just have to log out.
I've just have to log outta here

*epic guitar solo

Nothing really matters
The users will not care
Nothing really matters
To them

Any way this code blows

We have new scrum master. First meeting together.

Project owner:
- I would give them time to wensday (2 days away) days to do migration
Manager:
- delivery is in Tuesday. can we have two teams to work on it so it will be done twice as fast?
Scrum Master:
- do you really think that if you get 9 women pregnant they would deliver you baby in a month?

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become a scrum master.

I work in a scrum team of 6 persons.
We have the same IP address and we get ads based on what everyone else was searching. Sometimes shit just gets akward

Our scrum master is called ScrumBag in our department xD

3 hours long Scrum Meetings

Manager: I need estimates for your sprint tasks

Me: I've never done any of this before, my estimates have no context and are effectively worthless

Manager: don't worry it's just for the Jira board.

Me: OK *gives estimates*

End of sprint comes...

Manager: Why isn't task X done?

Me: *sigh*

I don't miss my old job :)

/* Daily sit down meeting */

What did you work on yesterday?
- Tea

What are you working on today?
- Tea

Any road blocks?
- *sips tea* ...nah no

But my company uses SVN and scrum :\

My scrum team was discussing about how our workspaces are basically the size of a large coffin. Our scrum master then chimed in to try to calm everyone down and said they are much larger. Closer to the dimensions of a prison cell he says.

Our product owner's equivalent of "It's not a bug, it's a feature" seems to be "It's not a new requirement, it's a clarification."

:-/

Scrum master: "I am the person, who should teach you about scrum"

Our daily scrum meetings be like...

Scrum they said.

Credit from imgur

I just spent 32 minutes in a 15 minute scrum standup...

During scrum, we have a remote QA Engineer who literally includes what she and her child do during her lunch breaks.

"Yesterday during lunch, little Jimmy and I went clothes shopping during lunch and I got him some new shirts and they're 100% cotton"

NOBODY FUCKING CARES!!

This happens nearly every sprint.

TEAM: So, are you happy with how we are going to make this feature?

Business: Yeah, we really need it! It's exactly list that! Quick build! 🏗

TEAM: You're sure.... remember what happened last time...

Business: yeah, yeah, yeah

TEAM: ☕️💻

one week later....

Business: Oh yeah, that thing, we changed our mind we don't want it can you do something else?

TEAM: ...

Business: Agile!!!!!!!!!

TEAM: 🤦‍♂️

Found out they all went on a 2 day course to learn SCRUM...

Goodbye productivity, hello Zelda!!

Let's build a house with no blueprint, no idea how it should look but have daily meetings about the bathroom... #Scrum

I was asked by our tester and scrum master to ignore some failing unit tests yesterday. The tester literally said "no time for tests, we need the build now". The scrum master is also a tester and agreed. I dont think I can respect either of them as testers anymore.

Everytime.....

SCRUMS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE 15 MINUTES, NOT FUCKING 1.5 HOURS

People who like hearing themselves talk shouldn't be in charge of meetings. We can't get the work done if you keep having meetings to talk about us getting the work done.

You know scrum is working when the dev team are feeling that scrum isn't working because they have nothing to do because the product team can't keep up with the pace.

agile training

For my Scrum PM ...

OH: "We reduced daily standups to tuesday and thursday. Otherwise we have to stand up too much and this nearly counts as sport."

Ideal (Green line) vs my sprint burndown :(

You know what really grinds my gears? Scrum done the waterfall way....

>me on first day as temporary scrum master
>gets invited to 'optional' scrum master meeting
>meeting is with all SMs globally
>at 6PM local time
>POs also joining because why
>first topic is discussing a defect
>a PO has stroke of genoius
>"Our code base would be much easier to maintain if it didn't have bugs!"
>this gonna be a long meeting

worst part of working in scrum: trying to remember what you worked on Friday for Monday morning's stand-up meeting.

Scrum Master asked me to make a ticket for my current task, so that it can be tracked

But my task was another person’s task that’s handed down to me, and there’s already a ticket for that, I suggested that I’ll just change the assignee then

Scrum Master says no, just leave it be, don’t change the assignee

I ask, so what about my task, Scrum Master kept his silence

Something smells fishy

This + 🙄

Boss: we follow scrum here
Me: yeah, tell that to those shitheads who call themselves "product managers" and throw whatever features they want at us at the middle of the sprint with a fixed deadline, not regarding the team capacity.

So I studied for a long time about scrum, convinced my boss, his boss and our team to consider it, everyone liked it but seems to don't understand it very well.

I organized meetings about it and everything...

This week the majority of our team will attend a Google event about scrum in another city.

Guess who is not going?

When job requirements say:
Programming Languages:
CSS
Scrum
Git
jQuery
JSON
...who tf writes these requirements!?

Devops here, Devops there ... Stop with this bullshit, less than half of the guys with Devops on their CV truly are Devops.

Same shits for Fullstack or Scrum Master, and I think I know why.

Because recruiters and companies absolutly ignore what it truly is : "Devops ? That's the new name for sysadmin hipster, believe me we're not hiring Sysadmin anymore but Devops now.".

So now they want more and more people with these profiles.
This is just leading everyone to become what they're not.

Please get your facts straight before fucking everything up.

Using SCRUM

I am tired of toxic politics at work.

Signs of a toxic workplace:

* (good) decisions are discouraged rather than encouraged.
Someone wants to introduce a great optimization and guess what the reply is (often from someone IT-ignorant): wait a minute, you can't do that because we have all these nifty little hacks and if you dare to suggest change to our shitty system, we could not allow that! We want to stay in our comfy zone, no no!

* no one can make a decision unless Mr. favorite-developer-everyone-likes says it's a good idea. And even if he's wrong, no one cares to listen to anyone else's idea on it. Stupid Feudalism. One man decides over the entire codebase. That's just idiocy. Where's TEAM in there?

* thinking years of experience equals intellectual capacity. It certainly does not! There are senior developers with 15 years of experience who don't even know how to open commandline, or they didn't even know about Chrome developer tools, or how the HTTP spec is built. That shit just makes me cry inside. How can you give these peoples the title of senior when they know less than a freshman year kid?!

* ignoring people's education and/or capacities. "You just graduated, so you're a noob". Right, I know more than you, you idiot. You've demonstrated your ignorance often enough. Stupid ignorant colleagues.

* blaming politics (every team blames the other team and there's constant tension)

* roaming ignorance (no one in the company, and I mean no one, besides me, knows enough about Information Technology to make competent decisions or analysis)

Politics:
What gives testers the idea that they know more than other members of the team? Why do they treat devs like they are mentally challenged?
What gives PO's that same idea?
What gives managers the idea that they can just yell at developers and threaten them with time pressure? Yeah, because the customers are breathing down their neck.

Just because I am a Junior Developer, that makes me stupid? I am tired of no one caring to listen to my ideas. I could save the company at the snap of a finger but everyone ignores my opinion (and often facts) on things.
People come in and instead of asking me for help, they ask everyone else for help, including the people who don't know shit about IT; now that's insulting.

Anyway, toxic politics.

When your morning stand ups include non-tech personnel and you need to get back to the code

Pro tip to scrum masters: bringing a scrum suitcase to your sprint meetings is more useful than bringing scrumbags.

When the sprint planning is, as usual, exciting af...

No, I do not wish to work on your Scrum-managed project.

I do not wish to contribute to the Taylorism of my profession.

I do not wish to be an interchangeable cog in your software sausage machine.

I do not wish to be tracked by some pointless metrics like a call-centre worker.

I do not wish to bust my tight, cute ass to sprint after some idiotic management request that could have been factored in earlier.

I do not wish to obtain some piss-ant qualification that "authorises" me to do my job.

I do not wish to be party to your lie that technical debt will be avoided by refactoring---whatever the cost.

I do not wish to contribute to the death of software engineering to have it replaced by software development.

Agile? Sure. I can pick up the phone and talk to the client, users and fellow devs. After all, that's what it FUCKING MEANS. Communi-fucking-cation.

See that burndown chart? See your anus? Know what's happening next?

Fuck Scrum and every fucking bottom-feeder that is scamming a living by promoting it. You're killing this business.

Hugs and kisses,

Platypus

Tip for implementing scrum in non-software development teams:

1. Cry

Sprint planning meeting, two hours trying to plan what to do with a new feature we wanted to add to one of our systems.

The boss gets out of the meeting room to get a phone number to make a call (we needed to ask something to one of our clients).

5 minutes later, the boss comes back and saw that the lead dev was going to his own desk.

Boss: Where do you think you’re going?
Lead dev: I’m bored :v

😂😂😂😂😂

Who the Fuck Came up with "SCRUM MEETINGS"

When they ask you, if you have heard about scrum before ?
Me: Yes, I watch Silicon Valley XD

Add captchas to everything so the AI always needs to ask for help.

Someone changed our sprint number to 404.
Guess we're done with scrum then.

Managers faking agile be like:

Consistent liars.

Six people(4 engineers, 2 managers) in the room, it took fucking 45 mins for daily scrum/standup meeting. Seriously, why do you want talk about every line you wrote?
I excused myself after 35 mins.

Daily scrum
Today, the Scrumpy Master was not here, so I leaded the daily scrum meeting,
rephrasing the 3 standards questions a little bit: the results where amazing.
Here my questions in case somebody want to use them:
- What the fuck did you do on Friday?
- What the fuck do you think you are doing today?
- What is your fucking problem?

We managed to keep the meeting very short and after the meeting everybody was sooooo concentrated I couldn't believe it.

Beeep Beeeeeep 7:00 o'clock. Shit. I was dreaming. Must wake up and go to work.
Scrum master will be there too.

So guys, for those of you that know what a burn down chart is, this is my teams, aka Front-end ONLY for end of March.

My team has regular daily meetings they all call scrum. Meetings like 1+ hours. I wanna immolate myself in protest!

Ticket from legal department: implement GDPR recommendation, log customer consent, separate checkboxes to opt-in to T&C and newsletter

Ticket from marketing department: small print T&C on sign-up, remove "conversion killer" checkbox

This is why we need a product owner

Client: we are using Scrum. Next week we have sprint review organized by the project manager.
Me: it’s not Scrum.
Client: in the next sprint we work on a mockup not releasable in production.
Me: it’s not Scrum.
Client: sprint backlog is changed again, at the end we must do everything that is written in the contract with that fixed amount of money.
Me: definitely not Scrum.
Client: we are using Scrum.
Me: Ok.

When an estimated 2 point ticket turns into an 8, arghghghhgh

When my PM tells us that this time we'll go The SCRUM way

Our scrum master just said, "minimum valuable product."

I start to grasp why sprints are called the way they are. tomorrow is the last day of my first one and I'm fucking exhausted.

Agile is cool but management likes to screw it up by trying to micromanage. This usually starts but making an inexperienced pm your scrum master. They control all meetings and turn daily standup to a 30 minute interrogation session.

SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK IS SCRUM, WHY DO MANAGERS KEEP USING IT, WHY DO YOU WANT ME TO MICROMANAGE AND MEET ARBITRARY DEADLINES THAT ARE TANGENTIAL TO THE MAIN PROJECT???!!!?!

So...my first experience with Scrum. How many fucking energy and productivity draining meetings can you squeeze in to two weeks?!!!! Agile? Hahaha. Don't get me started! Leave me alone and let me get some work done!

When your daily scrum takes an hour because your senior developer co-worker gives unnecessary and incredibly detailed updates...

"Well, first I tried hiding the button, but it wouldn't come up when I needed it to, so then I made an options menu, but the sliding transition was difficult to implement, so then I..."

I think I just hit my lowest point.

Spent ALL of last week trying to get my WAMP server to call a PHP script via AJAX and I kept getting 404s. Spent at least 10 hours on stack overflow trying to figure out why the server wasn't accessing it only to find out today that I was both looking at the wrong directory and also working the file name wrong.

I think I just need to walk away from programming for a while... 😧

U know this guy, whos Shady AS FUCK..
He waited until the end of the daily(when noone was putting attention) to make an agreement with the PO about some decisions of the user history..
He doesnt even know WTF is doing, so he wanted to swap his user history for another one..

U & ALL THE PEOPLE WHO NEVER WORK WITH THE TEAM & USE PRIVATES CHATS TO CONTROL OTHERS!
FUCK U!!

-Be a university student
-Work with SCR(OT)UM for the first time
-Divide tasks into 3 day sprints
-Watch the SCRUM master go nuts and the project fail

Never again

A coworker during scrum today: "Last week, I worked on the new feature. Also, I have an announcement for everyone: I'm going through a divorce so I moved in with my parents and will be working remotely for a while. I have no blockers...except for the divorce."

Agile, the most misused word in the industry.

Had a conference call and one of the guys said something along the lines of "I can handle the load (ticket load)" didn't even thought about it my mouth instinctively reacted with "that's what she said".

A couple of guys laughed but the other few just "wooooow"ed like if I had thrown a 9/11 joke.

This is not a rant perse, just a reminder that if I ever launch my own startup I shall look to hire "joke sensitive" people to make my scrum meetings as awkward as possible.

SCRUM master asked me to teach him jira! 🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

Scrum coach: "In scrum, we give more importance to working code over documentation".
Me:😂

This, now:

I see the industry popularizing Machine Learning programs using AI to implement ethical Blockchain as a Javascript framework using Scrum techniques for Big Data Web2.0 in Responsive Virtual Reality for your IoT Growth Hacking operations.

Scrum. And agile. And people over-communicating. And estimating work complexity on a prototype. And people in general. I like nights, when all annoying people just shut the fuck up and sleep.

I’ll quit swearing when you stop moving user-stories in and out of the sprint DURING THE FUCKING SPRINT.

We use scrum in our company.
And with scrum I mean we don't have a scrum master, our senior developer is the project owner, we estimate in hours and the estimate is binding, so you are not allowed to work longer on a task than the estimate.

So yeah.. "scrum"

I work remotely and have to attend a 'scrum' call everyday which I fucking hate. It gives me anxiety as I already dont like extensive phone calls.

Scrum is terrible. Is there another agile technique that isn't as bad? Like maybe one that will let us do our "scrum" once a week for like an hour? My current project really doesn't lend itself to once a day scrums. Literally my scrum input is "I worked on what I have been working on, and I'm gonna work on it more today. Impediments are literally the same as they always are because my life is no longer my own."

A delicious Sprint Planning 😋

It was a hard sprint (SCRUM methodology), but finally we were on our next’s sprint planning meeting. We had a lot of tasks to define and estimate. For the first one, we all estimated the task with 5 points, and for the second one we voted for 3 points. We were coordinated XD so, our boss said “let’s do something, if all of you vote, let’s say, 5, and another votes for a different number, he or she’s gonna buy us a six pack of beer”. Challenge accepted.

Two partners and I have to buy beers for this friday after work 😂 I don’t even mad 😋🍻

When your team wants to do daily scrum but there's only four of you and you work for different clients.

Team leader sets up meeting for Monday morning on Sunday. In the scrum group Whatsapp. Ahhhh!

Bureaucracy is the biggest impediment to progress.

Instead of putting a brick wall in front of you by saying "The PO said that you created a bug", learn how to communicate and have a horizontal hierarchy, for fuck's sake.
Even if all my tests passed, they still throw other bugs in my face and call it my fault. Fantastic. I love Scrum. This is not Scrum, this is abusing and not respecting Scrum.

Stupid rules, stupid people.

Product owner/Scrum master: "We don't have any time to review pull requests. We need the development time for features"

The development process that my boss called SCRUM. It was anything but. Management thought they could make us do more work than possible.

Sprint planning:
PO: I have a great idea for a new game changing feature
Team: cool, let’s talk requirements, etc
PO: nah, I trust you can come up with the best implementation possible
Sprint demo:
Team: presents the feature
PO: Why are you guys always doing it your way, instead of following my vision?!

Every single sprint...

The whole point of having a daily scrum is to let your team know about the progress you've made from last day and what you'd be needing to stick to the sprint plan.

So ideally everyone has 30-60 seconds to give a gist of their activities. And a small scrum team would be productive because everybody is on the same page.

Our scrum meetings usually wait for all of us to assemble with our coffees and donuts, sit down, joke, and then agonizingly go over everybody's existential crisis as a developer because of the task they've been assigned to has too many dependencies. And this happens every single fucking day! These "scrum" meetings tend to go for 1 hour. FML!

What's the best scrum team name that you've heard?

My favorite is "Colonel Panic" (Kernel panic)

Program manager who handles scrum of scrums asked our scrum master to slow down. Our velocity and quality is making other teams look bad...
The problem is, no one from other team wants to learn anything from us on automation/cicd. They are good even though manual.

Not sure what to do. Biz is happy with us...

When your sprint review is turned into a 5 hour argument about how to effectively do scrum and all you want to do is code.

Scrum master, scrum faster

When the 15min stand-up meeting is 30 mins long

Let's grab the SCRUM-Accelerator-9000 and start a new SCRUM-meering

Infinity is defined by the time it takes for a group of developers to reach an agreement about what is the "Definition of Done".

Please tell me something wrong with me, and whole world is working like that! It can't be right! Or could it, and I'm just one sad fuck who don't know shit?

So... We've got:
1. Jira reporting (agile style with cards and shit)
2. Task timers (via application integrated to Jira in order to count how much time we spent on a task)
3. End of the day email reporting with description of what we have done today (Jira is not enough?)
4. Daily morning meetings with a team leader to report what we're gonna do today
5. Git merge code reviews for each finished component (that lasts for hours)
6. Weekly status meetings
7. Working hours reporting with a fucking fingerprint

And on top of all of that, the developer is the one who just writes the code - team leader decides how this code is gonna look, what will be written first and what last, what libraries will be used and so on...

Nice cards which explain scrum :-)

Road to become an Agile scrum master :D

How bad it feels when it work in a place where Agile and DevOps are mostly abused buzzwords.

Forced doing "scrum" with:
- half of the team providing endless daily reports instead of focusing on the 3 questions
- a scrum master that is barely reachable
- a product owner that would not even make a decision
- a sponsor that pushes us to go faster regardless of current technical debt (it's important to look good to other sponsors!)
- doing all possible scrum ceremonies with no value added
- not even estimating stories
- not even having accurate description in stories. Most of the time not even a description.
- half of the team not understanding agile and DevOps at all

Feels so good (not). Am I the one in that boat?? ⁉️

What's the point of doing scrum if implemented that badly?? 😠

My daily scrum, the team I'm in doesn't care and just blows our 10min daily into a 1hour "talk about anything" meeting

Funny story:

We were going through Sprint Planning on Monday. We got through all of the tasks that we knew we had to get done, then we started going through the backlog to see what we could pull forward.

The guy running the meeting (who's not actually a Scrum master, but whatever) get's to a task, reads it aloud, and goes, "That doesn't ring any bells. Brian, it's in your name, it says it's from May, do you know what the status of this is?

Brian reads through it for about 20 seconds before saying, "That date says it's from 2017. I don't think we need it anymore."

Came into work this morning and my scrum master has decided to take my desk and now I'm working off my laptop screen. I forgot he needed 3 displays for Excel, Outlook and JIRA.

So we decided to adopt Scrum where in manager(scrum master) picks the stories for dev, changes them during sprint and also decides the complexity of task. so much for a servant leader!!

Scrum Master? More like Scum Master.. The nutjob sends a calendar invite for daily stand up for 30 minutes which extends to 50 minutes.. 50 minutes for a team of 6 people ? Fuck off.

Tell PM that something isn't possible. Still puts in the todo list with high priority...

You remember my team with scrums that last more than hour? They just decided that it is not enough - we will have another, morning, scrum. I am looking for a new job.

The panic when there are only two competent programmers in the scrum team, and PM says he is moving one to another team.

This is my first time experiencing agile development with its daily scrum meets, and I hate it already.

On a scale of 0 to who fucking cares, how important is it to stand on your feet during dailies?

I really hope this company never hires someone who uses a wheelchair.

Colleague: will be a lil late for standup, can wait for me?

Me: ok, don't need to sprint...

TL/DR;
Worked as outsource where Scrum was misused. Please use it as a guide rather than law.

RANT;
Just remembered working as an outsourced programmer...

The Scrum master got us all... all of us... everyday... most people on Skype too... to update with our plans, issues etc.

So including the time trying to get everyone to sync up on Skype at around 9am, introductions, updates from EVERYONE... back and forth suggestions... I'd be starting near midday.

The task was related to making a tile based menu system that was populated with items from a backend... On paper, I only really needed to talk to the 1 artist and the 1 backend guy to understand the request / responses.
But even the art assets were arbitrary sizes... untileable... at the time they even had to be power of two too... My god, getting them changed was a nightmare...

In the end I was too slow for them.
Gladly.

How do you deal with team members who's not open to criticisms as a TL

Fuck scrum meetings, especially when everyone is late

My boss is never gonna fucking understand scrum...

Even though I have explained him countless times he still creates user stories named "fixes" and puts all tasks in it...

Dude, are you having a seizure?

Anyone ready for 6 p.m. nightly standup? - London is weird

Let's schedule our weekly sprint planning meeting for 10AM on Fridays. And let's chastise those who happen to be 5 minutes late (literally). It's the perfect plan, since everyone is normally expected to come to work between 10AM and 11AM. Makes. Total. Fucking. Sense.

So the company decided to go agile. I am now a scrum master. And we have the local product owners and all. They made us do daily stand-ups.

I don't know what is a scrum master. Nobody knows what the hell is a stand-up. It seems to be an akward 30 minutes every day, when local product owner asks questions and demands status reports.

I did some googling and it seems that the scrum master is supposed to just support the team and solve problems. In our version the scrum master finds out the system architecture and requirements, fills the backlog, does the system design and reports to the project manager(s). Also reports to the clients about the general project status in an executive meetings. I also do the sprint planning, in which we fit the vague features that we are told into time tables with ready told dates.

Oh yeah, the team is just 2 guys. One of them is me. And the other guy relies completely on me to daily tell what to do, review the work and also answer all the project and company level questions that pop into his mind. He gets angry if he doesn't receive ready-thought solutions to all problems, since "you're the boss and it's your job to tell us what to do".

This is going to be a great year.

So, it’s 2nd week of the sprint, and I literally received to do only all the shitty stories.

During sprint I only wrote 3 lines of code to fix a bug for a workaround (yup...).

All other time went into analyzing impact for future features, bugs and other bullshit. But implementing them is not in scope of the upcoming release...

And today I have been working as a QA, because our actual QA doesn’t have time to test everything our two other devs on the team implemented.

Also I can’t pickup anything new, because there is no time left in sprint thus I am stuck doing all above.

SO FUCK AGILE, SCRUM AND THIS MOTHERFUCKING SPRINT!!!

Why some managers think that a non-tech guy can be the Scrum Master of a dev project?

Since there is Scrum i am programmer , tester , software engineer , networking guy and application manager. Thank you Scrum didnt know that before. And i have no idea what i am doing right now ....

Fuck agile,fuck scrum masters now I really hate the word story and epic.

On a doomed project. Nobody seems to know what anyone was suppose to have done last week, or the plan for this week.

I've warned them more times than I can count.

I could help, but I'll just sit here with my feet up, eating a snickers and watch them panic

I was hired to a working team that is full of experienced people who know how to code but half the team is awfull at solving problems, and all they do is blame each other... why cant they understand we are one team and rather work on solution for 30 minutes they spent deciding who fucked up...

So you have an organization that flirts with scrum and wants to be agile. You have non-crossfunctional teams who don't know what agile is. You have product owner who doesn't want to do backlog, but instead acts like project manager and asks for statuses and assigns tasks to peple. He wants the teams to find out what needs to be done and fill the backlog themselves - and then raport to him. You have business owers who noone knows who they are. You have project managers, who don't fit the whole scrum hierarchy. These project managers insist calling scrum masters "team leaders". Also these project managers think scrum is silly and don't want anything to do with it. And then you have higher program management that think this whole scum thing is better than sliced bread and everything is going just dandy!

Oh yeah, also highest organization management thinks that we are on the right track. We just need be more agile but less agile and work more efficiently whitout really saying, what the hell are we supposed to do.

Basically every day is like going to the zoo. Without the fun part.

Came to work this morning with a bunch of cards coloured red, marked "urgent"...

And it's Monday... the day after Sunday...

The blues day...

Blue's my favourite colour, but this blue (and reds) I do not like...

Ok snoozy mind of mine... wake up!!

This is how Scrum works:

Three coworkers are in a Scrum Team. One of them is also the Product Owner and the Scrum Master... The PO decided this Monday that they need to add a new feature for the Tuesday night release, which is estimated at 80 hours. I told the other two in front of a manager that this is not scrum. Nobody gives a shit.

The person sitting next to me in scrum is literally eating honey roasted peanuts out of a cereal bowl with a spoon

PO: "Hurry the fuck up!"
me: "Well I'm sorry but no amount of wanting will speed up development. Development is complicated. Understand that".

Non-techies are super irritating.

Agile what? We don't do any of these. We just do sht our way. RIP

So our scrum team just bought a collection of nerf guns. We were able to repel quite some disturbances from outside the team.

Before 2012, I always worked in cubicles and had weekly status meetings. In 2012 I moved to a big city and learnt there was something worse than cubes: the open work plan. Marketed as a way to increase coloration, the open work space is really just the result of real estate prices being expensive in cities and how desks are cheaper than 3-cube walls.

Up until 2013, we'd usually just have the weekly status meeting. Here are your tasks for the week. I'd do them at my own pace. Some days fast, some days slow, but they'd all get done by the end of the week and I'd proudly go down my list of stuff I had done.

Since then, it's all been "agile" and "stand-ups" every. fucking. day. The work is endless. A Product Owner once told me that stand ups weren't suppose to be status meetings; that you were only suppose to say if you're blocked or need help. But in every place I've worked at, they're daily status reports. You have to preform every day.

I really hate IT today more than ever. I miss the cube. I miss the weekly status reports. Today things are so high stress and higher paced and the work is endless. You can't even really pace yourself anymore.

We have this bloke in our scrum team who never does shit. He always says that he spent the week studying technologies and what not. How ever looking at the time he has spent 'studying' he should be the scrum master by now...
Who else has a bloke like this in their team?

I hate morning scrum meetings.

The feeling when your scrum master or lead ask you run the automated tests against the application though they know the application is down or not working.

Our agile scrum team has finally shattered into two parts.
On the one hand we have front-end guys.
On the other hand we have backend- /dev-ops guys.

The FE guys don't care about the BE guys business.
They don't join pairworking and only noticing things that went bad, when a Backend guy has caused it.
Goodbye fullstack dev-ops team...

I really dislike that arrogant basterds.

Frontend Hobo-Bitches...!

When everything is important, nothing is.

Software development explained with cars.

Newbie Agile Team: "Hi Scrum Coach, we studied and implemented the Scrum methodology, but we are late as before and our software is buggy and shitty as ever, how is that?"

Agile Coach: "Scrum Methodology is easy to learn, but difficult to master!"

Newbie Agile Team (chorus): "Oh coach, Fuck yourself daily, with your coffe thermos, standing up and once per week retrospectively. If you'll come at the next review meeting, we will gangbang your ass in front of the stakeholders"

I really hate it when I work on a user story consisting only of a cryptic title: "Implement feature X".

Esp. when I missed planning during a holiday and can only wonder who in their right mind would have given it 3 points.

Why thank you.

Sometimes, just pulling the acceptance criteria out of somebody's nose takes days. It doesn't get better once I realize that not all external dependencies have been properly resolved. It's worse if there are other departments involved, as then you get into politics.

Me: "We are dependent on team X to deliver Y before we should have even planned this ticket. I'm amazed that our team was even able to estimate this ticket as I would have only raised a question mark during estimation meeting. We could have thrown dices during estimation as the number would have been as meaningful and I'd have more time to actually figure out what we should be doing."
Dev lead / PO: "I understand. But let's just do <crazy workaround that will be live until hell freezes over> temporarily."

It's borderline insane how much a chaotic work flow is branded as agile. Let's call it scrum but let's get rid of all the meaningful artefacts that make it scrum.

I think it says something about myself when the first thing I do when pooping is open DevRant.

I wrote a message to the scrum master complaining how unfair is that QA added new acceptance criteria after I finished the story

he sends me back a GIF

and that's all

Certified Professional Scrum Master - I 😊

The scrum master decided to have two teams plan each others's sprint!

[tl;dr at the bottom]
(Project Team Group Chat)
dev: @Desing team, i have a question, there's a required field missing in you design, can i go to your desktop to get an quick answer/explanation about that?
design team:....
dev: hello..?
PM: [writes a huge text to tell me that i can not interrupt them even if its a blocker and that we (dev team) shoul write them down and tell them only once a day in the scrum meeting]
dev: uuumm ok

-next day-
dev: so about that field, why did you...
Client: WHAT? There's a problem with the design!? oh boy, lets re-check every view right now with the whole team!
(it took like 2 hours, the field was missing just because they forgot that feature)
PM: okay, @DesingTeam, answer any questions from developers when they ask you...

tl;dr
we spent almost two hours with the client just because desing team didn't want to answer me a little question

Started a new job at a big firm (previously came from a startup). Both do "scrum". Still have my mind blown because at the new job, we have people join the standup of which NOBODY in the team knows what their role is on the product...
Does this happen often in big corporates?

Demo Driven Development

Now let's hit some deadlines, add the tests later, and the technical debt will probably just be somebody else's problem.

Agile and scrum are the best model for development.

Is it just me or big scrum meetings suck your soul?

Classic AGILE Movie

Fuck me I'm pissed. This sprint, my tech lead has been away and a senior dev has been covering for him. We plan a load of work and distribute stories and we churn threw it quite well. However, my senior dev says let's not deploy until all the works done. I was like, how is it going to be tested? He was like well it will be fine because it's all one test. Bs. We now have 2 days left, tester is getting stressed because they don't know what to test or what's been finished. Scrum master is asking why all of it should be tested at the same time and I'm here like this is fucking dumb. Also the tester decided to start testing with the most complex piece of work, rather than prioritising.

Starting to wonder if I'm just the outsider or whether no one understands that granularity is better.

Can someone explain why I'm being force fed scrum at school?

I like our daily stand-ups, but our team only does it when our scrum master is present, if he takes a day off, no one cares about it
I think it's healthy for scrum teams to have that every day

What do you guys think? Are you also doing scrum? How bug is your team?

Deadline in 24 work hours, for a in-house product to automate payment processing.

Why in 24 hours you say? , Me and the accounting guy is going on vacation on Friday.

Will it go into production on Friday evening while I'm going through the door?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

"Grooming the backlog" sounds like an undesirable job in the court of a medieval monarch.

How to scrum

Does anyone else work with that one guy who doesn't know anything and always asking others to do his work, butt in the scrum meeting his daily updates would make management think he was Bjarne Stroustrup reincarnated?

Moved from A 10-day sprint to a 10-hour sprint.

Thank god we don't have hourly stand-ups.

Had a four hour retro/review yesterday. Plus a mini demo I had to put together. Three hour sprint planning session today.
And they still wanted me to go to some "company values" meeting tomorrow, aside from the weekly call I have to report progress. Fuck that shit.

I feel like I got nothing done this week. Monday and Tuesday were fine for the most part, but since it's been just complete idling.

I mean, I love my company, great coworkers, good management, and just all around great experience. But man, it gets frustrating when you lose so much development time... I wanted to sprinkle in some extra goodies for the next sprint, but it doesn't look like that's gonna happen.

I fucking hate 1 week sprints that include review, planning, and retrospective, so technically the sprint is 4 days.

My scrum master said, 'I would optimize your work hours.' He's monitoring how much time every one spends on browsing non-productive webs like devRant. How can I fight back? :(

How long do you think code reviews should be? Ours can run from anywhere between 10 minutes to 4 hours

Facepalm Monday...
My collegue denies to provide breaking changes in our login API in a separate version to the other teams depending on it.

What is the reason for his stubborn rejection?
It's scrum. We haven't planned the effort for realising a versioning concept for our API.
Let's build it in the next sprint as a part of live deployment strategy.

The point he miss is that the ProductOwner wants his API change deployed during the next sprint.
Additionally, it is best practice, having a compatible, deployable product after each sprint, without any risks.
Furthermore, another best practice to provide your API is one URI without a version part holding the current development of the API. And URIs with a version part in it to keep a specific request/response structure and behavior.

What really grind my gears are sayings like 'if the other teams had well programmed their software, modifying our API won't have any effect on them'

C'mon dude. That's far from reality, as anybody knows.

I can't accept, we provide unprofessional API builds, as he is going to do.

So, i have to spend my time and energy to change his mind, together with other software-architects, planning the big thing API-Gateway *sigh*

I'm not a scrum person, rather more of a kanban person.

My boss was told that dev team cant do TDD because they are agile and following scrum. Did not know what to say.😏

TFW your boss likes you enough to set up a full-time offer for you. 😗

TFW the offer is $20K below the average salary. 😬

Java Dev: "Does Josh's team own this java service?"
Scrum Master: "They did the dev work but we own it."
Java Dev:

Trying to understand why do I have a course on Software Engineering which consists 80% of lectures on what Agile and Scrum mean.

Why can't we get to implement a project and work on agile as we go? 😐😣

Fuck scrum masters!

I cant with this company any longer.

Most of it is crap but this is too much

Retrospective meeting after 2weeks sprint.

Sprint board for the meeting, in the not good section

Call me a novice, but isn't the point of a user story to be concise, limited in scope and only concerning one purpose? Kind of like a class should only have one responsibility.

This stupid other reviewer developer comes whining at me saying I broke some shit in my user story and that I need to fix it. The weirdest part is that I didn't break anything. I wrote all my tests, they all passed and yep, this guy has the nerve to come and say that I broke other shit. Well genius, if it's OTHER SHIT, then it belongs as a bug in ANOTHER STORY. What the fuck man, seriously.
A few minutes of debugging later, I found out it was someone else who broke some code earlier on a piece that was part of my part of the application.

Why are others so quick to blame? This is unprofessional. OMG I DISCOVERED AN ERROR, YOU'RE PROBABLY THE ONE TO BLAME BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IGNORANT GUY BECAUSE YOUR TITLE IS JUNIOR DEVELOPER!
Right.

Companies like these, people, have bad communication. Bad companies.

Scrum - Seriously this is time killer 😭😭

Daily scrum is fucking OVERKILL.

Here is our Sprint Review

My coworker has been freaking out that our company doesn't do Agile or Scrum right and it will negatively impact his career. He claims that some elite company will want him to prove he worked in well oiled Agile machine. He also claims his last company had it down to a T yet he voluntarily left so they couldn't have been that damn spectacular.

I'm on my 7th company and no one does this shit "right", everyone makes it up. Also it's impossible to prove that you worked in a perfect environment to a different employer, if they even care at all. If someone asks, just tell them what they want to hear because no one actually works in this mythical world of Agile perfection.

I find Scrum Masters useless. I'd rather have a developer replace them. Am I overseeing their value? Could someone enlighten me?

I also think that if a group comprised of smart people, things spontaneously happen without needing a handrail to walk along.

When your project leader wants to work 100% scrum and the steering committee, up front, wants to know exactly what will be delivered, what it will cost and when it will be ready..

I'll be starting a new job soon, and I'm sure there will be a chance to implement some form of process for the dev team to use...

To Scrum or to Kanban?

Am I the only one who feels like morning scrum meetings are a complete waste of time? At least in the way that my team does them. It's 30 minutes of "I did this thing yesterday, and I will continue to do that same thing today." All of this information can be sent in an email, but we insist on meeting every morning to say the same exact things.

For the past 3 weeks, the majority of the team has said the same exact things during scrum: "I continued to work on this big feature yesterday. Thank you." Like how does a detailed retelling of what this person did yesterday pertain to the rest of the team? It's just meeting for the sake of meeting, and talking for the sake of talking.

If you have this little technical issue that only pertains to work that this single person is doing, then meet with that person separately and discuss it. There's no reason to make everybody else sit and listen to information that will never be useful to them.

And most of the time, this scrum stems into spontaneous unplanned longer meetings afterwards. So suddenly this "quick" 30 minute scrum turns in 2-hours of meetings and a morning wasted on information that could've easily been discussed over email instead

When you are stuck in between a very interesting Spring 5.0 GA release webcast and a stupid mandatory daily scrum call!

'It's just...' is the biggest lie any co-dev can give you!

If it's just a small change why don't they do the god damn work and spend the next 2 days wading through an undocumented shit storm.

Next person to say 'It's just x, y & x', that ticket will be going up their tail pipe sideways!

Everybody wants passionate developers, then they stick a product owner in your face and strips you of self-control...

just as Erik Meijer said scrum is the most stupid shit in modern development process. I worked in an organization hires ppl as full time scrum master, which is joke. each day the asks what did u finished yesterday and how long it need to finish the task assigned to u. btw the scrum masters know nothing about programming. come on man how can u finish any serious shit in one day and who cares how much shit others finished. each week just attending those freaking meetings without coding. each programmer are assigned at least 5 bosses, and what the fuck is product manager doing, it's not adding indirection can solve anything.

A long struggle to change a nazi enforced scrum methodology that cut our efficency, technical standard and dedication to the product by just working on fragmented features that were added and removed by the wim of the PM.

Job offer in hand as senior dev somewhere else, I stayed, got better eventually. My old boss kept complaining on me for years in performance reviews that I did not respect managements decisions.

Two years of badly led scrum regime left our product in a spagetti mess that is still trying to be untangled.
Til this day, if I hear someone mutter "scrum", I feel a strong need to run far far away.

There's no power in the office,
Scrum: I'm waiting for my laptop to run out of power...

Just a reminder guys especially who do agile(scrum). TEAMS SHOULD BE HIGHLY ALIGNED BUT LOOSELY COUPLED!

Is there a team that works truly productive and happy via an agile (scrum) workflow?

Or does it always distill down to an excuse for a chaotic workflow?

My experience and cynic nature has let me to assume the latter.

(That being said, I never had a dedicated scrum master to work with. So that may be the first of many problems.)

Scrum Master:
Remember when I told you that I wouldn't cancel the meeting?

...I lied.

!rant: what are your experiences with scrum? What was your position?

We had our first "real" sprint planning yesterday. This was a very superficial planning session, as my manager is, by the looks of it, not to keen on the whole "new process thing". Probably because it's not his way of doing things... or simply more simply put - this way round means he'll need find some new ways to crawl up the CTOs ass!

So glad I'm leaving!

I hate scrumbags.