I think server down time is because of rain 🌧

alias wow="git status"
alias such="git"
alias very="git"

Result:

$ wow
$ such commit
$ very push

"QA Engineer walks into a bar. Orders a beer. Orders 0 beers. Orders 999999999 beers. Orders a lizard. Orders -1 beers. Orders a sfdeljknesv." - Bill Sempf

"Why is this taking so long?"

"Unforeseen complications"

"Why didn't you factor that in while estimating?"

"Because thats impossible, by definition."

Hahahah

Typing "How to kill all the children in a block" in Google definitely doesn't bring up results related to programming.

"If Java had true garbage collection, most programs would delete themselves upon execution." - Robert Sewell

Dates...

- History teacher: The Spanish-Moro conflict lasted 400 years.
- Student: Why didn't they try a different merge tool?

Windows didn't check to see if their update process ran auto starting apps did they.

My code sucks

Requesting stickers from devRant, done right

Seems legit.
(No clue what the source is.)

Dear programmers everywhere who keep your blogs running for years after you stop posting: Thank you!

First day at new web dev job:
Me: what IDE do you guys use?
Coworker: Notepad/notepad++
M: Okay... Any version control?
C: Oh we don't need it. We just update the server pages.
*Boss walks in*
Boss: Heres the project for you to do just need you to rebrand this web app we made for client A for client B just need to change some scripts. Should only take afew hours.

I take a look. No comments. Not formatted. Missing braces and brackets. Semicolons at odd places and missing at others. 7802 lines of code...

Girls are like functions. Always up for an argument

found it
whaat should I do

Just got this slack from our server admin.

"I will go to sleep after i fix this bug" 10min later I look outside, North Korea and the USA are fighting a nuclear war, russia invaded europe, hitler rose from the death and there's even more javascript frameworks

This is how I write my header signatures ;)

My life in one picture

!rant
I had to do this xD

This never gets old...

Got the best cake for my 30th birthday. Only if my wife understood what language I program with. I still love her though!

So I need to create a nice new web app. Let's look at some cool JS frameworks that I can work with.

*5 mins later* Hm, Angular sounds good, is there any good competitor?

*5 mins later* Wow, React sounds awesome as well. Let me learn it.

Google search result:

"Planning to use react? Check out Vue JS first"

*5 mins later* Ok so vue seems faster than React and much easier to learn. Let me see if Vue is the final choice.

Google search result:

"Angular VS Knockout VS Ember VS React VS Mithril VS Mercury VS Ractive VS Vue VS Riot"

Nope, fuck it

I'm pretty sure Shakespeare didn't say that.

Most people.
"Dance like no one is looking"

Me.
"Sudo like you have backups"

Use Vim. What could happen?...

*Now that's what I call a Hacker*

MOTHER OF ALL AUTOMATIONS

This seems a long post. but you will definitely +1 the post after reading this.

xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.

xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"

xxx: You're gonna love this

xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.

xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".

xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.

xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fuckingcoffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens an SSH session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has SSHD up and running) and sends some weird gibberish to it. Looks binary. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.

xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those

Credit: http://bit.ly/1jcTuTT

The bash scripts weren't bogus, you can find his scripts on the this github URL:
https://github.com/narkoz/...

This is awesome.