I got a job. A job where I get to sit in front of a computer. I don't know what I'm doing yet... Developer is in the job title description. I'm scared. I'm excited. But most of all, I'm really glad that I get to stop stacking boxes for a living.

So I migrated over to ja.stackoverflow.com, which is just the japanese version of stackoverflow, and realized how much different japanese devs are to the american ones Im used too.

On the standard StackOverflow I would see people argue and lots of questions would be downvoted. but on its japanese counterpart if you even ask for a little more context on a question they speak to you as if you were there boss. They also always say thank you sir at the end of their comment.

Im tempted to just keep google translate open and stay on ja.stackoverflow

Client: "Do you think we could finish specs in week 33, see a demo in week 35, and aim for the product to be finished in week 39?"

I jump on the conference room table, rip the shirt off my sweaty chest, and yell:

"WEEKS OF WHAT? 31 WEEKS SINCE YOU BECAME A CLIENT, 35 WEEKS FROM NOW, 39 WEEKS INTO THE PREGNANCY? BLOODY FUCKING HELL MAN, DO YOU HAVE TO TALK LIKE A RETARD?"

Client, unfazed: "Weeks since the start of the year, sir"

Me, swinging my pants above my head like a lasso:

"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF SNOWFLAKE ARE YOU, YOU REALLY EXPECT ME TO COUNT THE WEEKS SINCE THE START OF THE YEAR? WHAT ABOUT JUST USING DAY OF THE MONTH YOU OBNOXIOUS DIMWIT?"

Client: "We always use weeks at our company to plan things"

Me, winding the legs of my pants around the neck of the client:

"I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE USE WEEKNUMBERS, JAKE. I. FUCKING. HATE. IT."

Client, still pretending everything is fine: "If you want I could send you a screenshot of my outlook calendar?"

Me, sitting in underpants on the client's back, sweaty legs wrapped around his waist, trying to pull out his gel-infested manager-hair while strangling him with my pants:

"TIME OF DEATH, UNIX TIMESTAMP 1595240810, ISO 8601 DATE 2020-07-20T10:26:50+00:00. ANOTHER PROJECT SUCCESSFULLY WRAPPED UP"

(parts of this story may have been dramatized to reflect my underlying emotions)

I do like my current employer very much :D

This is a snip from an official job ad in their portal :)

Manager asked for access to server with admin rights for a third party contractor and I questioned him... His answer?

- Your are gonna give access to anyone that needs access.

I gave. Went for a 15 days vacation.

Our server got blocked by our cloud provider because of ssh brute force attempt coming from it and the company website went offline during a big ass meeting because of that.

Made me giggle :)

I recently met a young fella (14yo) playing League of Legends. He asked:
- What do you do for a living?
- I'm a programmer, do you know anything about programming?
- I don't, actually.

Apparently he was playing from a LAN Gaming center 'cause he didn't have a computer at home (his computer had broken and these Lan centers are pretty affordable).
I figured I could explain to him what was it and what super powers you could get from it. Turns out I recommended a JS course in codecademy and now he goes to the LAN center every day to study programming (he got really into it!).
Now he always pings me with questions about JS and apparently he's learning a ton! He had almost no English skills too (we're Brazilian), and because most of the material in the internet is in English he found himself some free English courses and he's now taking them!

Knowledge is free on the internet and I guess he's just realized that.

Not exactly a rant guys, just figured it was a nice story to tell :)
#TeachAKidHowToCode

Fun/Interesting fact:
"++i" can be slightly faster than "i++"

Because  "i++" can require a local copy of the value of "i" before it gets incremented, while "++i" never does. In some cases, some compilers will optimize it away if possible... but it's not always possible, and not all compilers do this.

Boss: I need you to start on this new project, how long will it take?

Me: well, hard to say with no specs whatsoever...

Boss: just your best guess

Me: 4 to 6 month I guess?

Boss: so 3 months it is. When can you start?

Me: no specs, sir...and I said 4 to 6

Boss: the specs are almost ready, I know you can simplify it

Me: ...

Boss: just start with the basic infrastructure already

(4 months later)

Boss: here you are the specs, they might change a little in behaviour and design, but all the main stuff is here

(Hands me a A3 with a total of 21 pictures in InDesign)

Me: o....Kay. what happens when I click here?

Boss: oh, we should still talk about the app workflow, I'll get you updated

(2 weeks and 16 total rewrites of the "specs" later)

Boss: you told me it was a 2 months job, why aren't you finished yet? We must deploy in 3 weeks!

Me: ...

Engineers <3

Worst Hackathon ? When you have coded so hard during 48 hours to have a functional prototype and the winners get trophee with a static PowerPoint, full of bullshit buzzwords...

Dear project managers,

Learn to use the fucking ticketing system. And by "use" I don't mean emailing IT asking them to open a ticket for you.

#GrowUpPinheads

Worked all weekend with a couple friends on a side project and it's finally done. A shame I had to pull all the weight and fix my friend's lazy coding.

And then he had the nerve to try to charge me for the chili he made use for dinner one night. Asshole.

Found this one on twitter

My last night:
- Had nothing much to work on.
- Opened a porn site to spend sometime.
- Clicked on some really good video.
- Realized full screen isn't working on the page.
- Fired up JS console, spent the next 30 minutes trying to get the video part full screen. Failed!
- Opened up Google & navigated through stackoverflow looking for the fix. Still couldn't do it.
- Cursed the website for having a bad design.
- Left the site.

Bad UI = No Fuck.

I think the best I saw was a co-worker scripted a file so that every time the manager typed the computer would play painful screaming sounds and then thank her when she stopped typing.

tl;dr Yes, we know the standard for RAM is getting higher; no, that doesn't mean you can increase your app's RAM usage for no good reason.

Homemade, terrible comic.

"my app is so awesome you don't even have to close it, it crashes itself automatically. "

Based on popular demand, we're proud to introduce a basic image repost detector on devRant!

Right now it uses very simple hashing to see if an exact copy of an image was posted recently. If it was, then we display an error and we don't allow the image to be posted.

This is experimental so if you experience any issues with it please let me know.

I wish I could CTRL+Z my haircut

My devRant stressball is under a lot of stress lately. Pretty sure it must be ranting about me

I can’t even say what’s wrong with PHP, because— okay. Imagine you have uh, a toolbox. A set of tools. Looks okay, standard stuff in there.

You pull out a screwdriver, and you see it’s one of those weird tri-headed things. Okay, well, that’s not very useful to you, but you guess it comes in handy sometimes.

You pull out the hammer, but to your dismay, it has the claw part on both sides. Still serviceable though, I mean, you can hit nails with the middle of the head holding it sideways.

You pull out the pliers, but they don’t have those serrated surfaces; it’s flat and smooth. That’s less useful, but it still turns bolts well enough, so whatever.

And on you go. Everything in the box is kind of weird and quirky, but maybe not enough to make it completely worthless. And there’s no clear problem with the set as a whole; it still has all the tools.

Now imagine you meet millions of carpenters using this toolbox who tell you “well hey what’s the problem with these tools? They’re all I’ve ever used and they work fine!” And the carpenters show you the houses they’ve built, where every room is a pentagon and the roof is upside-down. And you knock on the front door and it just collapses inwards and they all yell at you for breaking their door.

That’s what’s wrong with PHP.

Upgraded work PC to a SSD. Can't believe the difference it made. It's like a new computer.

Only trouble is, now I can't blame the computer for my slow work...

Maybe I can blame the RAM from now on.

Trying to sleep without thinking about coding is not easy.

So rapper didn't pay me for his site I just built... body {display:none} got me what being polite did not #finallycsscomestotherescue

You say: "We added AI to our product"
I hear: "We added a bunch more IF statements to our codebase"

(Senior level engineering course and our professor used to work for NASA. This can lead to some fun anecdotes during class.)

Professor: “Because the ends have such a small surface area, you can neglect them in your calculations.”

Student: "What would NASA do?"

Professor: *without missing a beat* “They'd probably use the wrong units and crash into Mars."

Apple's new campus is expected to be in direct violation with the federal building regulations, as it is not up to par with the fire code standards.

The campus has no Windows.

The saddest error message I've ever seen. Poor LinearLayout 🙁

What do you call a gay programmer?

A backend engineer

The sad moment when someone forks your repository in GitHub but doesn't star it :(