I cant take it anymore, we can't be together anymore. goodbye windows.

Windows: Copying 2,513 items from <here> to <here>.
Me: OK.

Windows: 84% complete.
Me: OK.

Windows: Shit.
Me: What?!

Windows: "Copying" dialog box is not responding.
Me: Fuck you.

Windows: Well, yeah, sorry.
Me: Fuck you.

Windows: Do something else until it unfreezes.
Me: OK.
.
.
.
Me: Fuck you. Everything's stuck. Can't click anywhere.
Windows: You can still use your mouse, though.

Me: Yeah, I guess. Wait a second, it's also stuck. The whole thing is frozen as ice.
Windows: What about keyboard?

Me: I said, THE WHOLE FUCKING THING!
Windows: Well, sorry?

Me: FUCK YOU!!

Google removed support for an api and made it paid.

Hold_on.jpg, i used this a while ago

Boots up android studio, the api key is there

Tries service with old api key

Works

:^)

I spend 15 minutes writing a huge ass rant about my old boss. Then spent another minute proofreading it.

*Devrant has crashed*
*Opens app*
*Not saved*

Meh, so let's rant about that instead. 🤷‍♂️

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I present you the API I'm working with...

That's a pretty fucking useful error description right there.

Friend: *deletes something from the internet*
"Thank god, now it's gone forever!"

Me: *Laughs in French*
"Hahahaha!"

Friend: "What?"

Me: "No, I'm pretty sure almost everything you put on the internet stays on the internet."

Friend: "ARE YOU STUPID??! The button says fucking DELETE. What else would it to do? Please use your brain for once."

Me: "You realize that text in the button is just a string right?"

Friend: *Looks confused*
"Stop trying to be such a smartass. Why would it be called 'delete' if it doesn't delete? Your logic make no sense whatsoever."

Me: *Makes quick simple app in order to prove my point*

App has 4 buttons:

-Play Music: Shows a picture of a dog

-Stop Music: Starts playing music video of Never gonna give you up

-Close App: Changes the interface to a random color

-Delete App: Pop up that says "The app has been deleted"

Friend: *Installs and tries the app*
"Dude! Did you even test your app before sending me?? Your buttons are broken as hell. None of them works. They all do things they're not supposed to do. How do you even call yourself a programmer? Sorry dude, nothing personal but this app sucks."

Me: *I need a new friend*
*sigh*

Consultant: "you should deploy a website. Use wordpress and have a draft ready in a few days. It's easy."

Me: "It's a static website, a one-pager even. I think we would be better served with something light-weight without a database."

Consultant: "99% of the websites in the entire internet are powered by wordpress. It's state of the art, you should use it"

Me: 😢 "Nooo, it needs mainentance and stuff. Look, XY is much simpler. You can even version the static site with git"

Consultant: 😤

We ended up with wordpress for our static website now. I am so proud. I absolutely love wordpress. It is amazing. Now my static one-pager can have plugins, multiple users, security issues and all that. The future is now!

Dear Microsoft,

What kind of braindead fucking moron thought that implying that dragging the mouse ever so slightly within the same folder with files selected MUST mean that the user wants to copy shit?!

What kind of braindead fucking moron thought that making conhost use Return for copying text and right click for pasting it was a good idea, and make the keybinding unmodifiable?!!

What kind of braindead fucking moron designed this shitty abomination of shit OS?!

If you hire nine women to make a baby, you won't get a baby in one month.

But if you hire one woman a month and impregnate her immediately, it will still take you nine months to get the first baby, but after that you'll get one baby per month for the rest of the year.

That's the difference between latency and throughput (and that's also how pineapple farms work, since it can take up to a year to grow pineapples).

Whould You accept a license agreement in an editable textbox ??

Hey, wanna hear a disappointing stack?

- WordPress
- jQuery
- vanilla inline CSS
- shitty random legacy PHP

Disclaimer:
The author is NOT responsible nor liable for any injuries, mental health issues, sanitary problems, asexuality, crippling depression, triggered by this rant nor liable for any damaged walls, hurt animals or deaths.

Joined a new company / team to work on an iOS app that has 2 different backend environments "Dev" and "Prod". Also being referred to in iOS speak as "Debug" and "Release".

Been trying to get accounts on these backends (no sign up in app, its controlled via another process). Eventually get access to "Dev" for one of the regions, so I load up "Debug" and its not working.

This is odd, so I open the Android app and load "Dev" and it works? I then Notice Android has "Dev", "QA", "Staging" and "Prod" for every region where as iOS only has 2 of these.

So I go back to iOS and find the file for the settings and it has iOS Debug assigned a variable for the backend Dev ... which is actually pointing to QA. Because they use QA to Debug and not Dev.

... confused? join the club

Every day.

I am a PHP developer.

Yeah, "another PHP is awful" rant... no, not really.

It's just unsuitable for some ambitious projects, just like Ruby and Python are.

First of all, DO NOT EVER use Laravel for large enterprise applications. The same goes for RoR, Django, and other ActiveRecord MVCs.

They are all neat frameworks for writing a todo app, as a better-than-wordpress flexible blogging solution, even as a custom webshop.

Beyond 50k daily users, Active Record becomes hell due to it's lazy fat querying habits. At more than a million users... *depressed sigh*.

PHP is also completely unsuitable for projects beyond 5M lines of code in my opinion. At more than 25M lines... *another depressed sigh*.

You can let your devs read Clean Code and books about architecture patterns, you can teach them about SOLID & DRY, you can write thousands of tests... it doesn't matter.

PHP is scaffolding, it's made of bamboo and rope. It's not brick or concrete. You can build quickly, but it only scales up to a certain point before it breaks in multiple places.

Eventually you run into patterns where even 100% test coverage still doesn't guarantee shit, because the real-life edge cases are just too complex and numerous.

When you're working on a multi-party invoicing system with adapters for various tax codes, or an availability/planning system working across timezones, or systems which implement geographical routefinding coupled to traffic, event & weather prediction...

PHP, Python, Ruby, etc are just missing types.

Every day I run into bugs which could have been prevented if you could use ADTs in a generic way in PHP. PHP7 has pretty good typehints, and they prevent a lot of messy behavior, but they aren't composable. There is no way to tell PHP "this method accepts a Collection of Users", or "this methods returns maybe either an Apple or a Pear, and I want to force the caller to handle both Apple/Pear and null".

Well, you could do that, but it requires a lot of custom classes and trickery, and you have to rewrite the same logic if you want to typehint a "Collection of Departments" instead of "Collection of Users" -- i.e., it's not composable.

Probably the biggest issue is that languages with a (mostly) structural type system (Haskell, Rust, even C#/JVM languages to some degree, etc) are much slower to develop in for the "startup" era of a project, so you grab a weak, quick prototyping language to get started.

Then, when you reach a more grown up phase, you wish you had a better type system at your disposal...

This week in positive news: "Video Editor" comes to Windows 10, so I can finally uninstall my hacked-together version of Movie Maker

Best programming language since Chef:

https://github.com/dylanbeattie/...

Using a git GUI is like dulling a sharp knife in fear of cutting yourself.

If I have headphones in
and I'm intentionally away from everyone
and it looks like I'm working
and you want to talk to me

Here's some advice:
DON'T FUCKING TALK TO ME.

If you're curious why, I've compiled a list of points:

1) DON'T
2) FUCKING
3) TALK
4) TO
5) ME

Also, see Fig. 1 below:

(Fig. 1)
| DONT
| FUCKING
|
| TALK
| TO
|
| ME
---------------------------------------
Don't fucking talk to me!

Me : "Hey, I can't find the comments.js file, do you know where it is stored?"
Co-worker : "Yep, look in the CSS folder"
Me : "OK, thanks!"

5 seconds later..

Me : "Wait, what?"

Got my new workstation.
Isn't it a beauty?

Rocking a Pentium II 366 MHz processor.
6 GB HDD.
64 MB SDRAM.
1 minute of battery life.
Resolution up to SXGA (1280x1024)
Removable CD-Rom drive.
1 USB port (we like to use dongles, right?)

Also it has state of the art security:
- No webcam
- No Mic
- Removable WiFi
- I forgot the password

And best of all:
It as a nipple to play with!!

*wiggles the mouse on my Windows box to activate it again and watch some videos while eating*

Le wild BSOD appears!!
Windows used KERNEL_SECURITY_CHECK_FAILURE!!! It's super effective!
Hah! Well, you know.. it's fucking true. Windows' kernel security is a fucking joke.

First time that I actually laughed at a BSOD like this. Thanks Microshit!

Prooooo gamer tip!!!

If your computer is overheating and you need to piss, just kill two stones with one bird and piss on the computer.

Brought to you by PBS kids, which is made possible by viewers like you.

Let's get rid of the developer training: Pair Programming

Let's get rid of the software testers: Test First Programming

Let's get rid of the project managers: Agile

Let's get rid of the project planners: Scrum

Let's get rid of the system admins: DevOps

Let's get rid of the security guys: DevOpsSec

Let's get rid of the hardware budget: Bring Your Own Device

Let's get rid of the servers: Cloud Computing

Let's get rid of the other scruffy guys: Outsourcing

Let's get rid of the office space: Home Office

Let's get rid of the whole fucking company: Takeover

I think I will ship a free open-source messenger with end-to-end encryption soon.

With zero maintenance cost, it’ll be awesome to watch it grow and become popular or remain unknown and become an everlasting portfolio project.

So I created Heroku account with free NodeJS dyno ($0/mo), set up UptimeRobot for it to not fall asleep ($0/mo), plugged in MongoDB (around 700mb for free) and Redis for api rate limiting (30 mb of ram for free, enough if I’m going to purge the whole database each three seconds, and there’ll be only api hit counters), set up GitHub auto deployment.

So, backend will be in nodejs, cryptico will manage private/public keys stuff, express will be responsible for api, I also decided to plug in Helmet and Sqreen, just to be sure.

Actual data will be stored in mongo, rate limit counters – in redis.

Frontend will probably be implemented in React, hosted for free at GitHub pages. I also can attach a custom domain there, let’s see if I can attach it to Freenom garbage.

So, here we go, starting up modern nosql-nodejs-react application completely for free.

If it blasts off, I’m moving to Clojure + Cassandra for backend.

And the last thing. It’ll be end-to-end encrypted. That means if it blasts off, it will probably attract evil russian government. They’ll want me to give him keys. It’ll be impossible, you know. But they doesn’t accept that answer. So if I accidentally stop posting there, please tell my girl that I love her and I’m probably dead or captured

Worst Person you Interviewed?

I interview many developers at my company. Today, I interviewed someone who seemed fairly qualified. Then I spotted a large gap I his resume. When I enquirer about the gap, he disclosed that he had served prison time for pedophilia. He further disclosed that as a condition of his release, he had to be supervised when using a computer.

As we are a gov/medical company, we are not allowed to hire people with a criminal record. He begged me but I told him that it was again company policy. I felt sorry for him not finding any work and being forced to beg, but I also had a knot in my stomach over the details his crime that he elaborated on.

Anyway, he scored 0 out of 10 on my interview scale.

Right after him, I interviewed another developer who seemed great on paper but when I proved further, he didn’t know jack about JavaScript, despite his resume show him to be a “jQuery expert”!

So, I asked him what he does in his spare time and how me keeps his development skill/knowledge up to date. He said:

“...no, I don’t study this shit in my spare time... I’m not a facking need!!!”

I stopped the interview right there. I might sware here on DV, but it my office I keep it civil & professional. So I certainly do not appreciate it when a diaper wearing, snotty nosed, junior wanker swares in my offices to merely protect his willful ignorance and shows pathetic pride instead of humility. That interview comes to an end immediately!

The pedo got a 0 out of 10, but this brat scored a -5 out of 10!!!

I have so many interview stories I could tell you...

#fml

Morning Deployment.

Me: Let's add this application to this server.

Deployer: Alright.

...

D: Done. Please verify.

Me: I'm seeing errors. Send me the logs.

D: Sure. I also updated the framework to a version that wasn't tested.

M: Yeah, that won't work. Roll it back.

D: Fine.

...

D: Done. Please verify.

M: All the applications on the box are broken. Please revert to the snapshot before the Deployment.

D: Oops, I didn't make one.

🙁😟😢😭😤

Frontend Dev: That's not possible in Frontend, we should do it in Backend.
Backend Dev: That's not possible in Backend, we should do it in Frontend.

-- CIVIL WAR --

Today I needed the scroll lock key.

I was running a super long test suite, one which puts a green dot on the screen every 500ms, so you can't scroll up. I needed to view some output of an earlier command... in other words, I needed to lock the automatic scrolling of the terminal.

That is what the scroll lock key was made for.

A momentous occasion.

Then I found out that a while ago, I used the macro function of my keyboard to rebind the that key... to close the current terminal window. 😡

Looks like I'm getting fired on Wednesday :)

Long story:

*I add first unit tests to project.

*Boss adds new functionality and breaks all the tests so I can't compile and write more for what I'm working on.

*Boss is very fragile and cannot handle any comment that can possibly be taken as a slight against him.

Me: "I wanted to ask what our policy on unit tests is please? Because we haven't really said how we are treating unit tests, and everyone myself included is not thinking about them. I also haven't added tests when I fixed bugs and this time your changes broke the tests"

Boss 10 minutes later: "I want to speak to you in private".

Boss: "you are too forceful and direct. You said I should have added tests."

Me: "yeah but I didn't mean in a nasty way"

Boss getting louder and more aggressive: "You are too forceful"

Me: "I didn't mean it in a bad way"

Boss: "I didn't want to add tests for that!"

Me: "then why add any tests?"

Boss: "Fine we are not having this conversation now!"

*Boss storms out

I decided I can't speak to the guy about anything without upsetting him spoke to the manager before I quit because I can't work like this.

That resulted in a meeting with my boss, his boss and the head of HR where I ended up savaging him and told them I can't bring up anything as I can never tell if it will offend him and that I spend ages writing emails and trying to document communications because I just can never tell if I will upset him. Also that I cannot bring up any ideas because I can't tell if he will somehow get offended and that I can't even write code because if I change something he wrote at some point he will get angry.

My boss claims that I am extremely forceful and disrespectful and that I am constantly insulting him and his decisions.

We go back over a ton of shit and I refute everything he says. In the end I have to have a meeting with him on Wednesday where we either get things straight, he fires me or I quit.

I think at this point that our relationship is too fucked for him to be my team lead on a 6 man team.

Side note I keep bringing forth ideas because we have one database shared between 6 Devs, no pull requests (apart from mine and another new guy), no test driven development, no backlog, no team driven story pointing, no running tests before merging, no continuous integration setup, no integration tests, no build step on merge, no idea of if we are on track to our deadline other than his gut feeling, no actual unit tests backend - just integration with a test db, no enthusiasm to learn in the team and no hope.

*boots computer*
*login screen appears*
*enters password*
*windows says "Welcome"*
*You have entered wrong password*

Are you fucking serious? Can't you even handle simple login flow? Why the fuck you display welcome screen before validating my fucking password? What the FUCK