Me using the Siri app on my iPhone:

Me: "Siri, call my wife."
Siri: "Samantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts."
Me: "Samantha Gibbs is my wife."
Siri: "I've added Samantha Gibbs as your wife."
Me: "Call my wife."
Siri: "Which wife?"

Professor : Explain deadlock and I will give you full marks.

Me:- You give me full marks and I'll explain deadlock.

"So, why do you want to work at our office in mexico?"
"I want to be a señor developer."

A young guy I work with burst into tears today, I had no idea what happened so I tried to comfort him and ask what was up.

It appears his main client had gone nuts with him because they wanted him to make an internet toolbar (think Ask.com) and he politely informed them toolbars doesn't really exist anymore and it wouldn't work on things like modern browsers or mobile devices.

Being given a polite but honest opinion was obviously something the client wasn't used to and knowing the guy was a young and fairly inexperienced, they started throwing very personal insults and asking him exactly what he knows about things (a lot more than them).

So being the big, bold, handsome senior developer I am, I immediately phoned the client back and told them to either come speak to me face-to-face and apologise to him in person or we'd terminate there contract with immediate effect. They're coming down tomorrow...

So part my rant, part a rant on behalf of a young developer who did nothing wrong and was treated like shit, I think we've all been there.

We'll see how this goes! Who the hell wants a toolbar anyway?!

"A different error message! Finally some progress!"

One of the best rant I found on the web 😂

This is why I leave bugs name as features 😉😉😉😝

My first calculator

Maybe the code behind the "Windows is checking for solution"

git commit -m "fixed issue with fan"

Reality

schrodinger's backup

Every programmers dream convo

Thats what i saw on a wall in New Delhi, India... Lol

dude: hey could you hand me a patch cable ?

me: how long?

dude: as short as possible

me: sure buddy

😂😂

Finding this buried as a joke...

A+ use of wallpaper

Stupid users gonna be stupid.

What do you call a party with developers?

A git together

I'm so sorry.

all unit tests passing

✅ Update Failed!

Meanwhile, in real life...

That awkward moment when your shower has a better commit streak than you.

About two years ago I get roped into a something when someone was requesting an $8000 laptop to run an "program" that they wrote in Excel to pull data from our mainframe.

In reality they are using our normal application that interacts with the mainframe and screen scrapping it to populate several Excel spreadsheets.

So this guy kept saying that he needed the expensive laptop because he needed the extra RAM and processing power for his application. At the time we only supported 32 bit Windows 7 so even though I told him ten times that the OS wouldn't recognize more than 3.5 GB of RAM he kept saying that increasing the RAM would fix his problem. I also explained that even if we installed the 64 bit OS we didn't have approval for the 64 bit applications.

So we looked at the code and we found that rather than reusing the same workbook he was opening a new instance of a workbook during each iteration of his loop and then not closing or disposing of them. So he was running out of memory due to never disposing of anything.

Even better than all of that, he wanted a faster processor to speed up the processing, but he had about 5 seconds of thread sleeps in each loop so that the place he was screen scrapping from would have time to load. So it wouldn't matter how fast the processor was, in the end there were sleeps and waits in there hard coded to slow down the app. And the guy didn't understand that a faster processor wouldn't have made a difference.

The worst thing is a "dev" that thinks they know what they are doing but they don't have a clue.

An essential helper function for any project.

That moment when clients employees comment on your working hours and the amount of work you do...

Fun fact: I'm replacing their jobs with applications.

Semantic what?

"mmx-a00112-bwt-1.6.2e_dirtyPatch_withoutCityTours_startpageHack_2.zip"

never interrupt a programmer

Well that's... an interesting way to check for three characters repeated in a row...