Me: “Hi, Client. Did you review my proposal?”

Client: “Yes. You asked me to pay you using dollar bills. I found someone else who will do the work for mere pennies. Have a nice life!”

How does anyone make any money in web design and development anymore?

1969 vs 2017

My company is like:

Boss: How long do you estimate to make a universe?
God: 14 billion years.
Boss: You have 7 days. Please reserve 1 for Q&A.

My son: "Dad I am strong, I do judo".
Me: "Dear son I got the power,I do the sudo"

So adopting this price list. Like right now.

I hired a woman for senior quality assurance two weeks ago. Impressive resume, great interview, but I was met with some pseudo-sexist puzzled looks in the dev team.

Meeting today. Boss: "Why is the database cluster not working properly?"

Team devs: "We've tried diagnosing the problem, but we can't really find it. It keeps being under high load."

New QA: "It might have something to do with the way you developers write queries".

She pulls up a bunch of code examples with dozens of joins and orderings on unindexed columns, explains that you shouldn't call queries from within looping constructs, that it's smart to limit the data with constraints and aggregations, hints at where to actually place indexes, how not to drag the whole DB to the frontend and process it in VueJS, etc...

New QA: "I've already put the tasks for refactoring the queries in Asana"

I'm grinning, because finally... finally I'm not alone in my crusade anymore.

Boss: "Yeah but that's just that code quality nonsense Bittersweet always keeps nagging about. Why is the database not working? Can't we just add more thingies to the cluster? That would be easier than rewriting the code, right?"

Dev team: "Yes... yes. We could try a few more of these aws rds db.m4.10xlarge thingies. That will solve it."

QA looks pissed off, stands up: "No. These queries... they touch the database in so many places, and so violently, that it has to go to therapy. That's why it's down. It just can't take the abuse anymore. You could add more little brothers and sisters to the equation, but damn that would be cruel right? Not to mention that therapy isn't exactly cheap!"

Dev team looks annoyed at me. My boss looks even more annoyed at me. "You hired this one?"

I keep grinning, and I nod.

"I might have offered her a permanent contract"

About to be jobless in less than a month because I'm resigning to take a bet on my dreams and skills. Deep down I'm little bit scared as each day goes by.

Looking forward to it.

Oh sh*t

Since I've got back up plan now, FUCK programming!!

You know that you have fucked up another night when you are browsing devrant and your phone turns off the soft-color-night-mode because the sun has infact rise.

Fuck my life, another fucked up night and following day

Turns out Dave has been doing some modeling work on the side...

When you wake up, notice your phone fell off the bed (my bed is about 180cm high), don't have google services to locate it/make it ring etc so you log into one of your domain name providers because you've got 2FA enabled there and you might hear the text notification sounds xD.

(in the end, I just had to clean my room partly in order to find it again :/)

Wtf is wrong with stackoverflow I asked a question I get it’s not easy to understand it to answer

But your instead trying to fix my grammar and punctuation! Wtf! It’s 100% readable

People on stackoverflow are obnoxious dicks

So, someone submitted a 'bug' to Mozilla.

As some of you may know, in the next year, the new mass surveillance law in the Netherlands is going into effect.

Another fun fact is that the dutch security agencies/government have their own CA (Certificate Authority) for SSL/TLS certificates.

The new law says that the AIVD (dutch NSA/GCHQ equivilant) is allowed to hack into systems through obtained certificates and also that they're allowed to INTERCEPT TRAFFIC THROUGH OBTAINED PRIVATE SSL/TLS KEYS.

So someone actually had the fucking balls to submit a fucking issue to Mozilla saying that the Dutch State certs shouldn't be accepted anymore when the new mass surveillance law gets into place.

This person deservers a fucking medal if you ask me.

Apparently, because I know how computer works and how to program

I also had to know how to:
- become rich
- hack into banks
- solve all world problems
- make a better windows/facebook/apple/google
- repair a burned down PC

Sometimes I think they are scared that I'm able to zap them with a lightning strike as if would be a motherfucking wizard.

Still love my family though ;)

When I asked my brother why he doesn't want me to teach him programming, his answer was: "Because writing code is dry and boring, like math."

Ok then.

devDuck holiday promotion! For every duck you order from now until the end of the year, we'll include a free adorable Santa hat to help keep your debugging in the holiday spirit! Order now from our swag store: https://swag.devrant.com/collection...

Age 12:
Mum: "You're always on the computer doing your silly codes! if you keep this up you're gonna be a failure at life!"

Age 15
Mum: "Hacking? oh please! you sound like a kid who wants attention"

Age 18
Mum: "Son, i was wrong. im sorry."

Age 25
Mum: "Are you okay over there? you're always on the computer doing your work, rest and take a nap, eat lots of carrots when you can"

even if you weren't very supportive mum, i still love you. :)

Learning a new technology:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
6. Ohh, cool feature~

Need to use new module or pattern:

1. Read the online documentation
2. Have no fu*kin clue what I just read
3. Try for 2 hours and fail.
4. Go home and sleep
5. Wake up at 3am from a fever dream with the solution to the problem
6. Go to work and implement it in 10 min

I guess I learn when I sleep

step 1) open and browse producthunt for new dev tools to use and try out
.
step 2) opens dev tool/app's website *ooh nice landing page*
.
step 3) tries to find api and documentation, scrolls to bottom of the webpage
.
step 4) "we are still in private beta, sign up to be notified about the final release!"
.
step 5) lol *sighs* bookmarks tab before closing it
.
step 6) repeat step 1
.
.

Big congrats to @AlexDeLarge for being the first devRant member to hit 50,000 ++!

A pretty awesome accomplishment highlighting great contributions and content.

Today someone was testing a website for me.

Tester: I've found a bug this button doesn't work
Me: It works. I tested it in Firefox and Chrome.
Tester: I'm using Edge
Me: Oh yeah. Forgot that was even still a thing...

Rip iPhone
Miss u jobs

Vim.
Three letters that strike fear in the hearts of millions.

Website: We use cookies ar.....
Me: Get lost I will never share my cookies.

It was my birthday yesterday and my dad wrote this...

To all dutch people on here, the new surveillance law I ranted about a month or something ago has passed if my source is correct.

Passed as in, the government has voted in favor.

Time to start encrypting/vpn'ing/torring and securing your computers!

Feel free to use this rant's comment section as Q/A and tips section for this subject as well :)

So at work I sit in front of a computer just to afford to sit at home in front of a computer 🤔🤔

Can someone please explain to me WHY THE FUCK non devs feel like they know shit. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT HOW YOU FOUND SOME UNTRUE SHIT ON GIZMODO. I'VE KNOW SO MUCH ABOUT THIS SHIT, AND YOU LOOKED UP THE FIRST EXAMPLE YOU COULD FIND THE SUPPORTS YOUR CASE. The most recent time this happened was OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS when this DUMBASS that my friends and I BULLY but HE STILL HANGS AROUND. (By bully, yes sometimes we are mean to him, but we're not out to get him. He comes to us and we don't wanna be with him). So after the SEVENTH groupchat (on two apps) he created that night, HE WANTED TO SWITCH BACK TO ANOTHER APP I SPENT A WEEK TRYING TO GET THEM TO SWITCH FROM PREVIOUSLY (It was whatsapp, i got them to switch to telegram). THEN HE TRIED to ARGUE with me about how TELEGRAM wasnt secure. HE SEARCHED "is telegram secure" on Google and chose the FIRST ARTICE from the previously mentioned, GIZMODO which says that TELEGRAM chats ARENT ENCRYPTED by DEFAULT. HOW THE FUCK DO DUMBASSES GET THIS KIND OF PUBLICITY. There's a difference between ENCRYPTION and END TO END DUMBASS. Then he told me whatsapp is more secure than telegram. NO ITS FUCKING NOT. In telegram, your encryption keys CHANGE every chat, or every 100 messages. To my best research, whatsapp only has ONE key per USER. I could go on forever about how chat backups in whatsapp are UNENCRYPTED or how FACEBOOK stores your data, but blocked you works to.