Skillspython, Django, vim, and then some other stuff
Joined devRant on 1/12/2018
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We're pushing to Android now, iOS shortly, and web will be coming soon.41
More than half of all support calls and tickets we get are so fucking easily searchable through our own fucking website and search engines, it's really fucking annoying sometimes.
"how do I redirect a site?"
Type the fucking word redirect into our helpdesk page.
"how can i reset my email password?"
Literally fucking type the word EMAIL into fucking search bar?!
"hey the article said to go to yourdomain.com/webmail, I'm not getting anything!!!"
"what domain did you use?"
"yourdomain.com of course!"
"how can I add a domain to my hosting?"
Search for the FUCKING word DOMAIN on our online helpdesk.
IT'S REALLY NOT THAT HARD, PLEASE APPLY COMMON SENSE AND USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN.17
Dear self proclaimed wordpress 'developers/programmers', kindly go fuck yourself.
I'm not talking about wordpress devs/designers who don't claim to have a better skillset than they have and are actually willing to learn, those are very much fine.
I'm talking about those wordpress people who claim that they're developers, programmers or whatever kind of bullshit which they're obviously not.
"A client's site crashed, you have to fix it!!!!!" sorry, come again? It's YOUR client's site. It's hosted on our hosting platform meaning that WE are responsible for KEEPING THE SERVERS UP AND FUNCTIONING.
You call yourself a wordpress 'developer' with 'programming experience' for 10 years but the second one of your shitty sites crashes, you come to us because 'it's your responsibility!!!'.
No, it's not. Next to that fact, the fact that you have to ask US why the site is crashing while you could easily login to your control panel, go to the fucking error logs and see that one of your facebook plugins crashes with a quite English error message, shows me that you definitely don't have 10 years of programming experience. And if you can't find that fucking article which tells you exactly where the motherfucking error logs are, don't come crying to us asking to fix your own fucking bullshit.
"My clients site got hacked, you have to clean it up and get it online again ASAP!!!!" - Nah, sorry, not my responsibility. The fact that you explicitly put your wordpress installation on 'no automatic updates' also doesn't help with my urge to fucking end you right now.
Add to that that we have some quite clear articles on wordpress security which you appearantly found too difficult (really? basic shit like 'set a strong fucking password' is too difficult for you?), you're on your own.
"I'm getting an error, please explain what's going wrong as soon as you can! this is a prio 1!!!!" - Nope. You were a wordpress dev/programmer right? Please act like one.
I'm not your personal wordpress agent.
I'm not your personal hacked wordpress site cleanup guy.
I'm not even a fucking wordpress professional. No, I'd rather jump off a bridge than develop wordpress bullshit for a living.
That you chose to do this, not a problem. Just don't rely on me for fixing your shit.
I'm sick of cleaning up your bullshit.
I'm done with answering your high prio tickets about bullshit which any dev could find out with just a few minutes of searching.
Oh your wordpress site isn't showing up so high in google? Yeah sure, shoot a ticket at us blaming us for your own SEO mess. I'm a fucking sysadmin, not a SEO expert.
I'm fucking done with you.
Go die in a fucking corner.22
When an "entrepreneur" tells you about his "fantastic" ideas and expects you to be all excited and wanting to develop it for him.
Ok so 10 yrs ago:-
Professor: Make this web front-end with blah blah blah pages.
*I create the thing and submit it*
<Next lecture i come in class and the projector is showing my website>
<I get excited that im bout to be praised for my work infront of whole class>
<I grab a seat>
Professor: I had high hopes from you. I did not expect PLAGRISM from YOU.
Me: Wwwwwwhaaaaaaaaaat the faaaaaaaaaaaaq??? Where is it which part????
Professor: Ive seen "lorem Ispem" before somewhere else. This is fucking plagrism.
<I sat 15 mins in disbelief>
<Got out of class>
<Dropped out of the course>26
HR: We have received complain that you have been sexually harassing an intern.
Me: No, I wasn’t. Me and the new intern all we talk about is Coding, Apps, and TV-Series
HR: You are lying. I have the words that you said to the intern. Do you want me to read it out.
Me: I have no clue what I said to the intern so please read it out.
HR: You said, “Always pull before you push”. Do you remember saying this?
Me: Yes, I was teaching the intern how to use GIT.
HR: Okay, let me call the intern and let see if he says the same.
** Intern **
HR: Was he sexually harassing you today at any time.
HR: Did he said, “Pull before you push” to you?
HR: What does that mean, sounds like a slang for something sexual.
Intern: haha, no it means that I should pull the changes made to the files before I can push the changes I did to the code from my computer.
HR: But he said something else like he was teaching you how to use GIT
Intern: Yes, that’s what GIT is.
HR: Okay both of you can go and don’t use this type of terms in the future it doesn’t make good working culture.50
Boss: “Our YouTube channel doesn’t look at all like our website.”
Me: “I’ve made it look as close to our branding as YouTube allows for with its limited editing controls.”
Boss: “This is unacceptable. I expected more from you.”
Me: “I cannot accept the blame for this. YouTube is setting the design parameters for all channels and I can only do so much.”
Boss: “You can call the YouTube, can’t you? Why didn’t you call them?”
Me: “.......and ask them....what?”
Boss: “You don’t ask! You tell! Our company has been around for 140 years. Our brand name carries that weight. They’ll change their design to what we need if you’re assertive enough.”
Me: “Ma’am, that’s just not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.”50
So I need to create a nice new web app. Let's look at some cool JS frameworks that I can work with.
*5 mins later* Hm, Angular sounds good, is there any good competitor?
*5 mins later* Wow, React sounds awesome as well. Let me learn it.
Google search result:
"Planning to use react? Check out Vue JS first"
*5 mins later* Ok so vue seems faster than React and much easier to learn. Let me see if Vue is the final choice.
Google search result:
"Angular VS Knockout VS Ember VS React VS Mithril VS Mercury VS Ractive VS Vue VS Riot"
Nope, fuck it56
Fuck StackOverflow users who edit their question to include your answer.
Q: How to do X?
A: You need to init the Flufloxinator.
Q: How to do X? I've tried with a Flufloxinator but couldn't get it to work.
A: You need to init the Flufloxinator. Here's a fully working demo (pulled directly from the docs you clearly didn't read.)
Q: How to do X? Nevermind, I just had to init the Flufloxinator.10
StackOverflow: let's marginalize your "problem" and focus on the real issue at hand, which is that line 4 doesn't conform to the language standards and thus will lead to undefined behavior on a single kind of 8-bit microcontroller made in 1984 that is no longer in use.5
So, this coworker of mine just said I'll never be a good programmer because I was looking for an answer on Stackoverflow, instead of figuring it out by myself.
Yeah, Satan. I'm sorry if I wasn't born knowing everything about a language I started learning a month ago.
Just had a JS guy try some Visual Basic, learning about types.. finally he got the error:
"Oh! Like the website! That's so cool! Hey Brod, look what I did! 😀"
It was the cutest reaction I've ever seen to a error.2
There's a special place in hell for people who post "Oh, I found the solution" without posting the solution.14
*Now that's what I call a Hacker*
MOTHER OF ALL AUTOMATIONS
This seems a long post. but you will definitely +1 the post after reading this.
xxx: OK, so, our build engineer has left for another company. The dude was literally living inside the terminal. You know, that type of a guy who loves Vim, creates diagrams in Dot and writes wiki-posts in Markdown... If something - anything - requires more than 90 seconds of his time, he writes a script to automate that.
xxx: So we're sitting here, looking through his, uhm, "legacy"
xxx: You're gonna love this
xxx: smack-my-bitch-up.sh - sends a text message "late at work" to his wife (apparently). Automatically picks reasons from an array of strings, randomly. Runs inside a cron-job. The job fires if there are active SSH-sessions on the server after 9pm with his login.
xxx: kumar-asshole.sh - scans the inbox for emails from "Kumar" (a DBA at our clients). Looks for keywords like "help", "trouble", "sorry" etc. If keywords are found - the script SSHes into the clients server and rolls back the staging database to the latest backup. Then sends a reply "no worries mate, be careful next time".
xxx: hangover.sh - another cron-job that is set to specific dates. Sends automated emails like "not feeling well/gonna work from home" etc. Adds a random "reason" from another predefined array of strings. Fires if there are no interactive sessions on the server at 8:45am.
xxx: (and the oscar goes to) fuckingcoffee.sh - this one waits exactly 17 seconds (!), then opens an SSH session to our coffee-machine (we had no frikin idea the coffee machine is on the network, runs linux and has SSHD up and running) and sends some weird gibberish to it. Looks binary. Turns out this thing starts brewing a mid-sized half-caf latte and waits another 24 (!) seconds before pouring it into a cup. The timing is exactly how long it takes to walk to the machine from the dudes desk.
xxx: holy sh*t I'm keeping those
The bash scripts weren't bogus, you can find his scripts on the this github URL:
Looking for a job as a deveoper be like:
Job title: car driver
Job requirements: professional skills in driving normal- and heavy-freight cars, buses and trucks, trolley buses, trams, subways, tractors, shovel diggers, contemporary light and heavy tanks currently in use by NATO countries.
Skills in rally and extreme driving are obligatory!
Formula-1 driving experience is a plus.
Knowledge and experience in repairing of piston and rotor/Wankel engines, automatic and manual transmissions, ignition systems, board computer, ABS, ABD, GPS and car-audio systems by world-known manufacturers - obligatory!
Experience with car-painting and tinsmith tasks is a plus.
The applicants must have certificates by BMW, General Motors and Bosch, but not older than two years.
Compensation: $15-$20/hour, depends on the interview result.
Education requirements: Bachelor's Degree of Engineering.34
Interviewer: Welcome, Mr X. Thanks for dropping by. We like to keep our interviews informal. And even though I have all the power here, and you are nothing but a cretin, let’s pretend we are going to have fun here.
Mr X: Sure, man, whatever.
I: Let’s start with the technical stuff, shall we? Do you know what a linked list is?
X: (Tells what it is).
I: Great. Can you tell me where linked lists are used?
X:: Sure. In interview questions.
X: The only time linked lists come up is in interview questions.
I:: That’s not true. They have lots of real world applications. Like, like…. (fumbles)
X:: Like to implement memory allocation in operating systems. But you don’t sell operating systems, do you?
I:: Well… moving on. Do you know what the Big O notation is?
X: Sure. It’s another thing used only in interviews.
I: What?! Not true at all. What if you want to sort a billion records a minute, like Google has to?
X: But you are not Google, are you? You are hiring me to work with 5 year old PHP code, and most of the tasks will be hacking HTML/CSS. Why don’t you ask me something I will actually be doing?
I: (Getting a bit frustrated) Fine. How would you do FooBar in version X of PHP?
X: I would, er, Google that.
I: And how do you call library ABC in PHP?
I: (shocked) OMG. You mean you don’t remember all the 97 million PHP functions, and have to actually Google stuff? What if the Internet goes down?
X: Does it? We’re in the 1st world, aren’t we?
I: Tut, tut. Kids these days. Anyway,looking at your resume, we need at least 7 years of ReactJS. You don’t have that.
X: That’s great, because React came out last year.
I: Excuses, excuses. Let’s ask some lateral thinking questions. How would you go about finding how many piano tuners there are in San Francisco?
X: 37. I googled before coming here. Also Googled other puzzle questions. You can fit 7,895,345 balls in a Boeing 747. Manholes covers are round because that is the shape that won’t fall in. You ask the guard what the other guard would say. You then take the fox across the bridge first, and eat the chicken. As for how to move Mount Fuji, you tell it a sad story.
I: Ooooooooookkkkkaaaayyyyyyy. Right, tell me a bit about yourself.
X: Everything is there in the resume.
I: I mean other than that. What sort of a person are you? What are your hobbies?
X: Japanese culture.
I: Interesting. What specifically?
I: What’s hentai?
X: It’s an televised art form.
I: Ok. Now, can you give me an example of a time when you were really challenged?
X: Well, just the other day, a few pennies from my pocket fell behind the sofa. Took me an hour to take them out. Boy was it challenging.
I: I meant technical challenge.
X: I once spent 10 hours installing Windows 10 on a Mac.
I: Why did you do that?
X: I had nothing better to do.
I: Why did you decide to apply to us?
X: The voices in my head told me.
X: You advertised a job, so I applied.
I: And why do you want to change your job?
X: Money, baby!
X: I mean, I am looking for more lateral changes in a fast moving cloud connected social media agile web 2.0 company.
I: Great. That’s the answer we were looking for. What do you feel about constant overtime?
X: I don’t know. What do you feel about overtime pay?
I: What is your biggest weakness?
X: Kryptonite. Also, ice cream.
I: What are your salary expectations?
X: A million dollars a year, three months paid vacation on the beach, stock options, the lot. Failing that, whatever you have.
I: Great. Any questions for me?
I: No? You are supposed to ask me a question, to impress me with your knowledge. I’ll ask you one. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
X: Doing your job, minus the stupid questions.
I: Get out. Don’t call us, we’ll call you.
All Credit to:
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.39