About10 PRINT "ASSWIPE"; 20 GOTO 10;
LocationEarth, The Solar System
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In a web dev class I once put my hand up with help regarding some HTML code. The teacher came over and before I had a chance to explain my issue he asked what I was using. I forget what it was but it was a basic webdev IDE on Ubuntu at the time. He then said its Linux and therefore couldn't help me. I told him the issue was with HTML and not my environment. He refused to help unless I used...Dreamweaver on Windows. Yup.3
I made a Trello board and listed some tasks for me and my team.
My boss comes in, I show him the trello board to show how I organized our tasks.
He liked it, so I asked him if we can use it more frequently.
He replied: this is your code, do whatever you want.
I asked: my code?
He replied: yah didn't just build this webpage? This interactive task manager.
Me in shock: hold on you think I built trello?
Boss: oh ... You didn't ? It looks like something you'd do for your "front end masterbaution".
Me: oh wow, well... If that was the case I would've made $425 million on top of my salary.
Boss: looked at me like meh ~ and walked away...7
I am an indie game developer and I lead a team of 5 trusted individuals. After our latest release, we bought a larger office and decided to expand our team so that we could implement more features in our games and release it in a desirable time period. So I asked everyone to look for individuals that they would like to hire for their respective departments. When the whole list was prepared, I sent out a bunch of job offers for a "training trial period". The idea was that everyone would teach the newbies in their department about how we do stuff and then after a month select those who seem to be the best. Our original team was
-One sound guy(because musician is too mainstream)
I did coding, concept art(and character drawings) and story design, So, I decided to be a "coding mentor"(?).
We planned to recruit
-One sound guy
-One artist (two if we encountered a great artstyle)
When the day finally arrived I decided to hide the fact that I am the founder and decided that there would be a phantom boss so that they wouldn't get stressed or try flattery.
So out of 7, 5 people people came for the "coding trial session". There were 3 guys and 2 girls. My teammate and I started by giving them a brief introduction to the working of our engine and then gave them a few exercises to help them understand it better. Fast forward a few days, and we were teaching them about how we implement multiple languages in our games using Excel. The original text in English is written in the first column and we then send it to translators so that they can easily compare and translate the content side by side such that a column is reserved for each language. We then break it down and convert the whole thing into an engine friendly CSV kind of format. When we concluded, we asked them if they had any questions. So there was this smartass, who could not get over the fact that we were using Excel. The conversation went like this:(almost word to word)
Smartass: "Why would you even use that primitive software? How stupid is that? Why don't you get some skills before teaching us about your shit logic?"
Me:*triggered* "Oh yeah? Well that's how we do stuff here. If you don't like it, you can simply leave."
Smartass: "You don't know who I am, do you? I am friends with the boss of this company. If I wanted I could have all of you fired at whim."
Me:"Oh, is that right?"
Smartass:"Damn right it is. Now that you know who I am, you better treat me with some respect."
Me: "What if I told you that I am not just a coder?"
Smartass:"Considering your lack of skills, I assume that you are also a janitor? What was he thinking? Hiring people like you, he must have been desperate."
Me:"What if I told you that I am the boss?"
Smartass:"Hah! You wish you were."*looks towards my teammate while pointing a thumb at me* "Calling himself the boss, who does he think he is?"
Smartass:*glances back and forth between me and my teammate while looking confused* *realizes* *starts sweating profusely* *looks at me with horror*
Me:"Ha ha ha hah, get out"
Me:"I said, get out"
Smartass:*gathers his stuff and leaves the room*
Me: "Alright, any questions?"*Smiling angrily*
Newcomers: *shake heads furiously*
For the rest of the day nobody tried to bother me. I decided to stop posing as an employee and teaching the newcomers so that I could secretly observe all sessions that took place from now on for events like these. That guy never came back. The good news however, is that the art and music training was going pretty well.
What really intrigues me though is that why do I keep getting caught with these annoying people? It's like I am working in customer support or something.16
Famous last words:
-"This change was so small, so there's no need for tests. I'll just deploy right away."9
When you're creating new website and Chrome asks you if you want to translate the page from Latin.2
Receives email from warranty guy in work.
Warranty: "Hi, see attached scan in PDF form.
I normally fill the boxes in manually, scan as pdf to myself and then email it on to the higher ups, but they now say they need it in excel form from now on! Can you convert it for me?"
Me: "It looks like your scan's quality isn't good enough for a convert to excel.
Where do you get the original form?
Is it from a website?"
Warranty: "Hang on and ill send you an email with the file and give you a call"
*receives email and a phone call"
"There you go. Theres an excel sheet in that email. what do i do?"
Me: "So.... just so I understand the question... you just fill in this excel sheet, scan as pdf and send it on... but they want it sent as an excel form and not a pdf?"
"So.... Could you not just fill in the excel sheet and email it to them?"
"What do you mean?"
"....fill in the excel sheet as normal, and go to file, share and email... send the original one on."
"And what would that do?"
"...you... you'd be sending the form as an excel sheet, as requested??"
Warranty: *silence for 10 seconds* Oh, i see now. I get you! You're a genius! Well done for figuring it out. Thanks a million!!"
Sitting on the bus updating my system.
Random girl: What are you using?
Me: Linux :).
Random girl: Ohh I use Mac, because that doesn't have viruses and can't get hacked!
*me waiting for a cliff to jump off*36
I think I'll never going to get a devRant stress ball, so i made this instead with my pretty low budget (0.5$).18
YOU WANT A PUBLIC KEY?
YOU WANT A PUBLIC KEY?
THERE'S YOUR PUBLIC KEY9
BF: If you were a database, I would join with you.
Me: Left or right?
(there are no words)14
Got a couple laughs at an interview for the software listed in my resume:
"Sublime Text 3 (unregistered)"
Long rant ahead, but it's worth it.
I used to work with a professor (let's call him Dr. X) and developed a backend + acted as sysadmin for our team's research project. Two semesters ago, they wanted to revamp the front end + do some data visualization, so a girl (let's call her W) joined the team and did all that. We wanted to merge the two sites and host on azure, but due to issues and impeding conferences that require our data to be online, we kept postponing. I graduate this semester and haven't worked with the team for a while, so they have a new guy in charge of the azure server (let's call him H), and yesterday my professor sends me (let's call me M), H and W an email telling us to coordinate to have the merge up on azure in 2-3 days, max. The following convo was what I had with H:
M: Hi, if you just give me access to azure I'll be able to set everything up myself, also I'll need a db set up, and just send me the connection string.
H: Hi, we won't have dbs because that is extra costs involved since we don't have dynamic content. Also I can't give you access, instead push everything on git and set up the site on a test azure server and I will take it from there.
M: There is proprietary data on the site...
H: Oh really? I don't know what's on it.
<and yet he knows we have no dynamic data>
M: Fine, I'll load the data some other way, but I have access to all the data anyway, just talk to Dr. X and you'll see you can give me access. Delete my access after if you want.
H: No, just do what I said: git then upload to test azure account.
Fine, he's a complete tool, but I like Dr. X, so I message W and tell her we have to merge, she tells me that it's not that easy to set it up on github as she's using wordpress. She sends me instructions on what to do, and, lo and behold, there's a db in her solution. Ok, I go back to talking to H:
M: W is using a db. Talk to her so we can figure out whether we need a database or not.
H: We can't use a database because we want to decrease costs.
M: Yes I know that, so talk to her because that probably means she has to re-do some stuff, which might take some time. Also there might be dynamic content in what she's doing.
H: This is your project, you talk to her.
<I'm starting to get mad right now>
M: I don't know what they had her do apart from how it interfaces with what I've done.
H: We still can't have databases.
M: Listen, I don't do wordpress, and I'm not gonna mess with it, you talk to her
H: I won't do any development
<So you won't do any dev, but you won't give me access to do it either?>
M: Man, the bottleneck isn't the merging right now, it's the fact that W needs a db
H: I know, so talk to her
M: THE RESTRICTION TO NOT HAVE DATABASES IS NOT MINE, IT'S YOURS, YOU TALK TO HER. I can't evaluate whether it's a reasonable enough reason or not since I don't know the requirements or what they're willing to spend.
H: It's your project.
M: Then give me fucking access to azure and I'll handle it, you know you'll have to set up wordpress again regardless whether we set it up the first time.
H: Man just do your job.
At this point I lost it. WHAT A FUCKING TOOL. He doesn't wanna do dev work, wants me to go through the trouble of setting up on a test subscription first, and doesn't want to give me access to azure. What's more, he did shit all and doesn't want to anything else. Well fuck you. I googled him, to see if he's anyone important, if he's done anything notable which is why he's being so God damn condescending. MY INTERNSHIP ALONE ECLIPSES HIS ENTIRE CV. Then what the fuck?
There's also this that happened sometime during our talk:
M: You'll have to take to Dr. Y so he'll change the DNS to point to the azure subscription instead of my server.
H: Yea don't worry, too early for that.
M: DNS propagation takes 24 hours...
H: Yea don't worry.
DNS propagation allows the entire web to know that your website is hosted on a different server so it can change where it's pointing to. We have to do this in 2-3 days. Why do work in parallel? Nah let's wait.
I went over his head and talked to the professor directly, and despite wanting to tell him that he was both drunk and high the day he hired that guy, I kept it professional. He hasn't replied yet, but this fucker's pompous attitude is just too much for me alone, so I had to share.
PS: I named his contact as Annoying Prick 4 minutes into our chat. Gonna rename him cz that seems tooooooo soft a name right now.46
//long rant but worth it ;)
In our class, we had some writing in Word.
I was the smart PC guy in the class which everybody asked for info. Even the teacher sometimes asked me.
There was a girl in class which I didn't really like, because she had a snoopy attitude and thought she is a queen.
In MC Word you can hide the toolbar with the little arrow on the top right below the close button.
Somehow the girl hid the toolbar and didn't know to let it reappear again. After half a hour the teacher got to the next lesson.
She held her hand up and reported to the teacher that here PC has problems. After 10 minutes try & error from the teacher he even didn't get it.
Now the teacher started the rant and shout at her: "How did you even manage to do this? Did you upload a virus? I bet it is a virus! Do you know how much it costs to repair this pc? It's sure over 1000 $."
The rant continued for 15 minutes. After that I felt a bit guilty and even I didn't like that girl, but nobody deserves such a harsh treatment.
Without saying anything I went to the computer, clicked the little arrow and the problem was solved. The teacher didn't say anything to this topic. Just said we can go early.
Sometimes dump people make a elephant out of a fly, just because they don’t know it better…
Well the girl still stayed a cunt till the end of my scholarship.17
Stop sending me your freaking PNG. Don't even dare to FREAKIN' make me use Chrome DevTools to get your FREAKIN' color our of your FREAKIN' PNG.
Give me all your colors in FREAKIN' hex, rgba, or whatever you want.
Give me all the fonts you used.
Give me all the sizes, is it percentage-based? Pixels based? Donuts-based?
I don't give a damn that you think you went responsive-first. Show me the damn responsive mockups. Not just the desktop sized with a note: "Don't worry mate, I made so that it all goes well when responsive".
Oh god. Oh god.
I'm not an artist, I give zero shit about how great it looks.
I'm a programming poet, I want to write code without having to open (or download it first through torrent) the damn photoshop, sketch, or whatever you use.
They take freakin' months to dump a mockup and we have days to make it happen. The pain.
The pain is strong with those damn designers.
-The oldest computer can be traced to Adam and Eve
-Yes, it was an apple
-But with an extremely limited memory
-Just one byte
-Then everything crashed5
When you're not creative enough to make a post that would give you some stickers but you have a 3D printer...30
NSA: Hey, its looks like you a bit lonely
Me: Yeah sort of
CIA: (Retrieves list of facebook friends), why not hook up with these people
Me: Not interested
FBI: The girl across your room seems to be interested in you
Me: Nah not interested
CIA: We can send someone to keep you company if you want
Me: thanks, not interested
NSA: A girl winked at you at the cafe yesterday
Me: Didn't notice
CIA: What of the lady you spoke to on the phone earlier
Me: Too old
FBI: Can you please move your webcam to the left a little
Today was a successfull day: I posted a question on StackOverflow and I didn't receive any downvote11