What the fuck are time zones

Welcome To The New Bing™

I received a ticket today that said

"The customer can access the app fine if they're at their home, but when they occasionally go to the desert they can't access the app"

You can't make this stuff up.

Someone please kill me.

The professional way is rarely the fun way

The age old question has finally been answered!

My life lately

Fucking Jira!

You fucking piece of fucking shit. You're about as useful as a nacho cheese enema.

Fuck Atlassian, fuck Jira, fuck fuck fuck fuck!

"Why did you bring Wagyu beef to the meeting?"

"Because the calendar description said: Engineers should proactively add value for our steak holders"

(True story -- They told me to do what management instructs, without correcting anyone and without asking questions. And I love playing that game!)

Its 2022 and still, no other tech thing feels as magical as Shazam to me..
I'm impressed everytime..😐

Work life balance. Ever heard of it?

No-code platforms always like to forget that writing the code is *literally* the easiest part of software development 🙄

Going reverse in time

-v
-V
-version
--version
version

I hate corporate America devs that say “connect with you later today” like the fuck u think I am? A USB port?

It is the year 2022.
We have multiple robots on Mars.
We have mRNA vaccines.

JIRA does not yet have a dark mode.

So getting fired if they find my account.

Why the fuck is gradle so horrible.

I literally have no idea why anyone would ever use this thing (other than being forced too because somehow the rest of the world is using it).

Every plugin has an arbitrary DSL that you have to magically know by piecing together enough snippets. At that point, no one is actually intuiting anything based on the beauty of the DSL, every build is a frankenstein of different snippets that were pasted from different versions of gradle blog posts or SO posts.

And if you do get it o work then the DSL changes, or it isn't compatible with another plugin.

I just want to write a fucking integration test in Kotlin. Can I just add an `integrationTest` task in `tasks` right next to `tasks.test`? No, obviously it goes in the `kotlin jvm() compilations` section, DUH.

The first thing anyone in the universe should have asked is "how is this better than literally hand writing a makefile"? At least then I would be able to see the commands that it ran.

Now I'm googling how to make the new jvm-test-suite plugin work when you're using the Kotlin plugin but every single result on Google for `jvm-test-suite kotlin` just returns the docs for jvm-test-suite (whose snippets obviously didn't work in my project) because those doc pages have "Kotlin" written above each of the gradle snippets.

Please just end this.

Oh and dev rant sucks too. It thinks anything separated by dots in a url.

My manager doesn’t like code comments, want us to remove from PRs 🤦🏻‍♂️🤦🏻‍♂️

Change your fucking specifications and priorities again. Change them. I dare you.

The 3 cardinal rules of software:

1. Shit gets old
2. Shit gets better
3. Shit will not work

Remember that 😏

Found in the Font Awesome docs

After three years of using docker, I can safely say "it just works" was a lie.

Dear Apple,

We've sent you a new message regarding your app, Xcode. To view or reply to the message, go to the Resolution Centre.
----------------------------------
We noticed that your app did not fully meet the terms and conditions for reasonable fucking update size. Your latest app update requires over 40 GB of free fucking disk space. Please bear in mind that many of your own fucking laptops only have 120 GB of disk space. For optimum user experience, it would be best if the user didn't have to uninstall other apps from their system just to run your shitty update system.

Next Steps:

To resolve this problem, we recommend that you fix your shit. If you are unable to fix your shit, we recommend that you don't take 30% of all iOS developer's income so that you can make giant fucking glass donut buildings, and instead use that ridiculously disproportionate monopoly-abusing cut and invest that money in fixing your shit, to lighten the load of developers on whose backs you have become the most cash-rich company in human history.

Resources:

There are plenty of resources such as Stack Overflow to take advantage of, in order to learn how not to create a bloated piece of shit IDE.

Once you've completed all required changes, please upload a new binary to the App Store.

Pair programming is the act of letting other drive you around the town while you're sleeping!

Every week is the same. Wake up, new jira ticket. “Build us a pink house”.

*i build a house*

Next day, “URGENT BUG REPORT!!! CRITICAL ISSUE IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT”, click on ticket, “bug report: the house doesn’t have sprinklers”

They didn’t ask for sprinklers. This is not a bug. *i add sprinklers*

Next day, “URGENT BUG REPORT!!! CRITICAL ISSUE IMPORTANT IMPORTANT IMPORTANT ASAP ASAP ASAP”, click on ticket, “bug report: the house is pink.”

HOW IS THAT A BUG TWO DAYS AGO IT WAS LITERALLY A REQUIREMENT

Meanwhile management makes triple my salary

Talking with colleagues earlier about dealing with a cocky intern:

"Ah, I had one of those last year. I told him to make sure when using the find command, always use the -delete flag to clear up any temporary files it creates while it's searching."

"Man, that's harsh. Did that take him down a peg?"

"Nah, not at all, but he never spoke to me again after that, so I'm calling it a win."

Welcome to the future guys.

Finally read the Steve Jobs autobiography.

That guy is going to make it big!

I don't even remember why the teacher asked us this as it was a first aid class, but it pops into my head every now and then.

Teacher: "What's the first three letters in any website address?"

Me:"htt?"
Everyone else: "www"