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Search - "clowndrivendevelopment"
Literally all they see is design.
Users can't make or receive payments across the entire app? Ah, who cares! Much more important is the color and fading animation on that button!!!!
Absolute clowns, I swear.
Managers: wE wAnT tO bE LeAn aNd MoVe FaSt As PoSsIBLe wiTh NeW FeAtUrEs
Same Managers: Can you make this icon 2 pixels smaller?! Shift this element left?! Swap out this icon?! Use a different color here?! A perfect feature and design is critical!!!!!!
FullStackClown: You can either be lean and fast, or be fucking nitpicking clowns 🤡 about this stuff and slow us all down. Choose one.
FullStackClown: Sit down and shut up7
THOSE FUCKING DUMBASSES BOUGHT _THEMSELVES_ A SERVICE THAT COSTS 599 A MONTH, BUT US DEVS AREN'T ALLOWED TO USE ONE THAT COSTS 30 A MONTH?!?!?!
saving money my ass!!!!
the absolute insolence of these fools...
just rudely stated this in a message to the managers, let's see what weak excuse the clowns return...7
Why write any specs anymore? The juniors don't read them, nor do the product managers. I'm just talking to myself at this point.
So, I waste time writing these nice detailed tickets, then when I go to review the pull request, the whole pile of horseshit is half done, and when I ask the product managers for resolutions, they don't have a clue either.
So just give me the whole fucking app, I'll do the whole damn thing myself. See you on Mars in 2025 while you and your pleb asses serve me fries and burgers.1
Managers: fullStackClown!!!! The image uploader on the dashboard at <insert 3rd party service here> isn't working!!!!!
fullStackClown: Yeah? What do you want me to do about it?
Managers: Well, fix it!
fullStackClown: ... * sigh * Well, in case you didn't realize, I don't work at <insert 3rd party service here>, so... unless you want me to go work for them instead of you absolute clowns (which I dream about daily), I cannot help you further in this matter.
Kill me. 🤡6
"LeT's uSe gRaPhQL!" They said.
"It EliMinAtEs cOmpLeX aNd vErBoSe REST coDe!" they said.
Me sitting here for hours waiting for the backend team to fix major regressions every time they push the smallest "updates" to staging... 🤡
Call me a boomer but I can't help but feeling graphQL makes things MORE complex than REST... either that or the backend devs have no idea what they are doing17
What's worse than putting out fires all day?
Going to check on and put out fires but then realizing they don't exist because management is incompetent.
Screw the Chief Technology Clown role...
I'm now officially Chief Babysitting Clown...
Skills I can teach you include the following:
- How to read JIRA tickets
- How to write JIRA tickets
- How to check colleagues' calendars
- How to define requirements in English and not some sort of technologically challenged caveman language
- How NOT to do any programming (since I don't have time for that anymore)
And many, many more! Inquire within!6
Clowns approaching from all sides, preparing to batter our hero, fullStackClown, with their absolute and unyielding clownshipness...
🤡 👨💻 🤡
how will he make it out of this one?!?!?!
Tune in next week to find how our hero, fullStackClown, escapes unscathed!7
How many times, like a broken record, do I have to tell the managment team that the "what's new" text is 500 characters max for the google play store? How many times? Surely it's more than 5 times, since I've already told them 5 times! I'll report back in when it's 10 times, although by then I may have bashed my head against the wall so many times that I'll be dead, and finally freed from these clowns.6
At a large enterprise-sized company, you are protecting the code and product from outside / bad actors constantly trying to break in. (🧠)
At a medium or small-sized company, you are protecting the code and product from clueless customers or users who can potentially break things for themselves. (🧠🧠)
At a sTaRtUp, you are protecting the code and product from being destroyed by the incompetent owners themselves. (🧠🧠🧠+)4
Love being contacted by a consultant.
Becuase they recently "migrated to gmail" (wtf does that even mean?!?! it was their reason why I didnt get their email)
I fucking hate zoomers, please kill me, i have made a mistake working with these clowns
Hello fellow devRanters, look what I found in our API constants on this fine day!
You get what you pay for, you get what you pay for, you get what you- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!7
Jest? It's the perfect name for a testing library, because I certainly feel like a clown! 🤡
I've just realized the very root cause of the frustration of devs everywhere!
It has everything to do with the manager's thought process:
Manager: HUR DUR, ME NO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING!!! MUST BE WRONG!!! ME CREATE BUG TICKET!!!
Dev: 🤦♂️ ...sigh...4
And on today's schedule, we'll be teaching the managers how to use a new dashboard, because not only do they not understand tech, they don't understand life!
Original spec of feature: 5 page document
Review of feature: 20 page document with surprise things never mentioned in original spec
"fullStackClown!?!?! how could you miss this?!?!"
Ah the managers have come up with a new term we need to implement: "SEO Doubleposting"
I must bow down to their technical genius and prowess, I've never heard it before, it must be high tech term beyond my 10+ years of being a developer.5
Serious question for anybody who has dared to understand manager-speak: Do you know what a 'Task Rewind' is? We have it in our documentation, but google gives me no help as to what the hell it could mean.
...Or should I just take my original gut feeling and classify this as yet another word for the clown dictionaries?6
I implore ANYONE... please...
Have you EVER written a SINGLE Jest test that didn't have some sort of bullshit spewing stuff like this:
"ReferenceError: You are trying to `import` a file after the Jest environment has been torn down."
"Warning: React.createElement: type is invalid -- expected a string (for built-in components) or a class/function (for composite components) but got: object. You likely forgot to export your component from the file it's defined in, or you might have mixed up default and named imports."
and yet running on a device, features work flawlessly and quite well, no errors or even warnings in sight logged
This is the most fragile pile of garbage I have ever seen.
I hate this.
inb4 your stupid ass todo boilerplate garbage you wrote tests for in freshman year. i'm talking about a REAL app with HUNDREDS of components.
where the grownup testing tools at? it's a question I've still not answered after a year of fucking around with this framework2