Literally all they see is design.

Users can't make or receive payments across the entire app? Ah, who cares! Much more important is the color and fading animation on that button!!!!

Absolute clowns, I swear.

🤡

These clowns make my blood boil.

fullStackClown: Hey I need some info on that specific color you want for this design

managerClowns: Yes it should look like this <<sends screenshot>>

fullStackClown: That is not a color, it is a screenshot

managerClowns: Yes it should look like this

fullStackClown: Do you know what hex code that is for that color? Can you ask the design team what color from our corporate identity they used?

managerClowns: Yes it should look like this

fullStackClown: Not helping... okay fine I used the eyedropper and I see the hex code is not used anywhere else in our app, so what color should I use?

managerClowns: Yes it should look like this

fullStackClown: ...

Managers: wE wAnT tO bE LeAn aNd MoVe FaSt As PoSsIBLe wiTh NeW FeAtUrEs

Same Managers: Can you make this icon 2 pixels smaller?! Shift this element left?! Swap out this icon?! Use a different color here?! A perfect feature and design is critical!!!!!!

FullStackClown: You can either be lean and fast, or be fucking nitpicking clowns 🤡 about this stuff and slow us all down. Choose one.

Managers: ...

FullStackClown: Sit down and shut up

Absolute asshat level clownly clownshipness:

Manager: Why is this like this? 🤡

fullStackClown: ...Because you defined the feature like this.

Manager: Hmmmmm ok... what about this? Why is this like this? 🤡

fullStackClown: ...Because you defined the feature like this.

Manager: Hmmmmm ok... and then this thing here? Why is this like this? 🤡

fullStackClown: Well, I hate to tell you, but it's a huge surprise. Guess what?! BECAUSE YOU DEFINED THE FEATURE LIKE THIS!!!

Manager: ... 🤡

fullStackClown: Any other absolute asinine questions to ask me to continue breaking me from flow?

Manager: ... 🤡

fullStackClown: ...

To those interested, I believe there is an evolution of my devRant career in order... I'm passing the clown phase... and entering the full-on circus phase...

THOSE FUCKING DUMBASSES BOUGHT _THEMSELVES_ A SERVICE THAT COSTS 599 A MONTH, BUT US DEVS AREN'T ALLOWED TO USE ONE THAT COSTS 30 A MONTH?!?!?!

FUCK.

YOU!!!!!!!!

saving money my ass!!!!

the absolute insolence of these fools...

just rudely stated this in a message to the managers, let's see what weak excuse the clowns return...

Managers: fullStackClown!!!! The image uploader on the dashboard at <insert 3rd party service here> isn't working!!!!!

fullStackClown: Yeah? What do you want me to do about it?

Managers: Well, fix it!

fullStackClown: ... * sigh * Well, in case you didn't realize, I don't work at <insert 3rd party service here>, so... unless you want me to go work for them instead of you absolute clowns (which I dream about daily), I cannot help you further in this matter.

Managers: ...

fullStackClown: ...

Kill me. 🤡

Oh man, today just gets better and better...

Manager: * Creates ticket, which has a link to a shared pdf, with each page being a link to another ticket in our JIRA with unrelated bugs of what we are currently working on. *

fullStackClown: I'm closing this ticket and putting this feedback in the original ticket that I assigned to you to review days ago.

Manager: Rages like a little baby and removes my access to said shared pdf.

fullStackClown: Welp, looks like I'm done for the day! Cheers!

We don't know what one-to-many is! Instead, we convert all associated IDs to a string and join the list into a string separated by commas! Only after this absolute clownery do we save this new nice clean string to the database column! Then, when we want all associated entities, we serialize this list back into an array of IDs and retrieve them! It's clown-genius!

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡

What's worse than putting out fires all day?

Going to check on and put out fires but then realizing they don't exist because management is incompetent.

#clowndrivendevelopment 🤡

Theory: zoomers are actually just boomers who come generationally full circle

Source: I work with clowns in their early 20s and the fact that they are young and were essentially born into tech and had it their whole lives literally has not contributed anything towards their understanding of basic tech concepts - if anything, it has made them more clueless.

The good news: now I know whatever is invented in the future, whatever tech comes to be, the next generation of clowns will always have many jobs to offer me.

Screw the Chief Technology Clown role...

I'm now officially Chief Babysitting Clown...

Skills I can teach you include the following:

- How to read JIRA tickets
- How to write JIRA tickets
- How to check colleagues' calendars
- How to define requirements in English and not some sort of technologically challenged caveman language
- How NOT to do any programming (since I don't have time for that anymore)

And many, many more! Inquire within!

Managers: * send meeting to my calendar *

Fullstackclown: * sees email * Much obliged, I'm happy to... wait a sec... this calender meeting is for 4:30 PM... TODAY! ...and they've sent this at 4:47 PM?!?!

Managers: FULLSTACKCLOWN!!!! HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT MEETING TODAY?

Fullstackclown: lol

#beclowngetclowned

I work with absolute 🤡🤡🤡s.

That is all.

Clowns approaching from all sides, preparing to batter our hero, fullStackClown, with their absolute and unyielding clownshipness...

🤡 🤡🤡
🤡 👨‍💻 🤡
🤡 🤡🤡

how will he make it out of this one?!?!?!

Tune in next week to find how our hero, fullStackClown, escapes unscathed!

Why use google calendar?

Get you a micromanager!

Always the same with these f**** 🤡🤡🤡s

Congratulations, you've earned yourself a spot in the STOP category on next week's retrospective! 🖕

Love being contacted by a consultant.

At 7PM.

Via WhatsApp.

Becuase they recently "migrated to gmail" (wtf does that even mean?!?! it was their reason why I didnt get their email)

I fucking hate zoomers, please kill me, i have made a mistake working with these clowns

🤡

Do these NPC devs even read the README of a project before spewing some dumbass stackoverflow like garbage in an issue thread?

Do your damn job. Being a good software engineer is not like TiKtOk or cHaTgPt where some "magical" answer or entertainment is spoon fed to you, do your absolute best to solve it yourself first, before causing more chaos out in the opensource world.

Hello fellow devRanters, look what I found in our API constants on this fine day!

LIST_USERS: '/api/GetUsers',
USERS_WITH_QUERY:'/api/GetUsers?Query=',
MORE_USERS: '/api/GetUsers?Token=',

You get what you pay for, you get what you pay for, you get what you- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGGG!!!!!!!!!

Already 3/4 with PRs for Hacktoberfest 😏

This stuff brings me back to the days when software used to be fun and not driven by absolutely clueless clowns in big-wig management clowntown. 🥲

I've just realized the very root cause of the frustration of devs everywhere!

It has everything to do with the manager's thought process:

Manager: HUR DUR, ME NO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING!!! MUST BE WRONG!!! ME CREATE BUG TICKET!!!

Dev: 🤦‍♂️ ...sigh...

Original spec of feature: 5 page document

Review of feature: 20 page document with surprise things never mentioned in original spec

"fullStackClown!?!?! how could you miss this?!?!"

🤡

And on today's schedule, we'll be teaching the managers how to use a new dashboard, because not only do they not understand tech, they don't understand life!

waaaah_waaaah_waaaah.mp3 🤡

Alright... how the FUCK is an IP address considered personal data by GDPR????

Fucking boomers don't even know what an IP is. Guess what, every website you've ever been to has your IP! It's in your router, your fucking ISP's registry, and in every DNS server within 1000 miles of you!

Imagine thinking your IP gives up private information, god, just fuck me, I hate all of it, idiotic fools fumbling around with shit they don't understand.

...WKO making every developer's life a living nightmare because fucking GOOGLE FONTS stores a copy of your IP for their stupid analytics. You know what? Just don't use the internet either, that needs your IP too. In fact, don't pay taxes either, the tax office has a copy of your address, that's pretty personal information if you ask me! Just live in the woods and survive with the wolves.

I already know the future 'resolution' to this one - store fonts locally, resolve this dangerous "issue"... "waaaahhh fullStackClown! the site is slower now!!!"

...an infinite circle of clownshipness continues...

tune in next week as the world continues to approach it's circus fate!

PM: I don't like the number of meetings we have
Me: Oh I agree. We have too..
PM: We don't have enough of them.
Me: (oh... I was going to say that we need to cut back... But ok)
PM: I need better visibility into what everyone is doing.
Me: (so you wanna micromanage. Got it...)
Me: ... Gotcha, yup... Writing that down.

Been getting a lot of troll / clown / clueless (?) comments on my posts recently. Select favorites include:

"Why do you have a login form on your website?" wut
"Why didn't you throw away that API key?" wut
"Why do you even need to access your apps' servers?" wut

There are just SO many amazing devs here who have NEVER had do any of those things, I'm quite literally an idiot and don't know what I'm doing, sorry for my ignorance. I'd forgotten that there is only exactly one way to build software, I wish I'd done it "that" way sooner! Foolish me.

Really not sure if trolls, clowns, or clueless. Don't care. 🤡🤡🤡

Hey guys! lambda is amazing! Docker containers! They said the whole amazing point with containers is that they run the same everywhere! Except not really, because lambda 'containers' are an abomination of *nix standards with arbitrary rules that really don't make sense! That's ok though, you can push your shit to fargate, then it will work more like those docker containers you know and love and can run locally! Oh wait! fargate is a pain in the ass x 2 just to setup! You want to expose your REST api running on a container to the world? well ha, you'd better be ready to spend literally 2 weeks to configure every fucking piece of technology that every existed just to do that!!!! it's great, AWS, i love it, i'm so fucking big brained smart!!!

give me a break.... back in my day you'd set up an nginx instance, put your REST / websocket / graphQL service whatever behind it, and call it a day!!!!!!!

even with tools like pulumi or terraform this is a pain in the ass and a half, i mean what are we really doing here folks

way too complicated, the whole AWS infrastructure is setup for companies who need such a level of granularity because they have 1 billion users daily... too bad there are like 5 companies on the planet who need this level of complexity!!!!!!!

oh, and if your ego is bashed because of this post, maybe reread it and realize you're the 🤡

i'm unhappy because i was lied to. docker containers are docker containers, until they aren't. *nix standards are *nix standards, until they aren't

bed time.

absolute CI/CD bastardization 🤡

Losing days and weeks so the kids can tinker around in their sandbox. 🏖️

🤡

Serious question for anybody who has dared to understand manager-speak: Do you know what a 'Task Rewind' is? We have it in our documentation, but google gives me no help as to what the hell it could mean.

...Or should I just take my original gut feeling and classify this as yet another word for the clown dictionaries?

Another day of the incompetent design team wasting my time

#clowndesigneddevelopment

Making calls, meetings, and "brainstorming" half-baked features or designs or any other slop bullshit for 12 hours a day?

Wow, you are an impressive "startup bro"!!!

Coding, testing, running emulators, tests, reading technical documentation, ensuring product success in the real world, and implementing efficient full stack software for 12 hours a day?

Fuck you!!!

These are the expectations of management. Just remember, what they do is "extremely difficult", but you are simply just a resource queue that takes input and converts it to real-world implementation.

Give me a fucking break

Oh no...

A <FlatList> as a DIRECT child of a <ScrollView>... I mean, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt if you forgot or it was buried in a nested component... but... it's just sitting right in front of you on the same exact component... it's like, did you even test this once and see the warnings?

God these 'affordable' devs truly aren't actually worth it.

They really aren't.

You spend just as much time fixing their clownish mess as you get for "saving money" with their cheap rates.

Another day, another clown dollar in clowntown...

SHEESH

I've been working on this fucking instagram connector for 4 weeks now, mainly due to idiotic red tape

Now the time has come to get it approved. I'm supposed to let them know how to test the connector with a test user. but FUCKING facebook's test users don't even work as test users! their own spam catcher identifies their own test users as bots!!!!

I mean what the fuck!!!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET THIS APPROVED IF YOUR TEST USERS DON'T FUCKING WORK AS PART OF THE TESTS

AAAAAAAAAAAAA THIS IS FUCKING INFURIATING

Please don't use 'FE' as an abbreviation for 'front end'.

It's idiotic.

We find our hero, fullstackclown🤡, again harrowed by idiotic management.

Our backdrop and set: A Google calendar appointment was booked between the managers and fullstackclown. fullstackclown had created an all-day appointment for today which reads: "fullstackclown on site".

With the scene set, let us begin our tale..........

Manager: Are you going to be on site today?

fullstackclown🤡: Do you see the appointment I booked on our calendar stating that indeed I will be on site today?

Manager: ...

fullstackclown🤡: you are an absolute idiot

Manager: ...

I literally don't know what to do anymore. I mean it's RIGHT THERE IN YOUR CALENDAR. HOW MUCH MORE CLEAR DO YOU WANT IT TO BE?! DO YOU WANT A TWILIO APP THAT SENDS YOU A PRERECORDED VOICE MESSAGE IN MY VOICE, CONFIRMING MY CALENDAR APPOINTMENTS?!

What type of mindset causes this type of behavior of double or triple checking things as simple as a calendar booking? Honestly shows a complete breakdown of normal mental functioning in my opinion.

AWS test error: An error occurred (AccessDenied) when calling the PutObject operation: Access Denied"

Hmmmmmmm

* proceeds to spend 2 hours correcting the role and policy for said user *

Alright, let's test!

AWS test error: An error occurred (AccessDenied) when calling the PutObject operation: Access Denied"

fuck you.

i'm not fucking sleeping until this is resolved

Managers: And now we'll just 'scale' our tech, it'll 'get done', development is just an external black box to us, let's do it iN pArALlEL and sYnErGizE splat blat barf splat splat somethingresemblingalanguage barf squelch splat barf

Devs: You are completely and totally idiotic bozos fooling around in the sandbox like a bunch of babies

Tru-lyfe CTO (CTC) stories:

I spelled a juniors name wrong in a commit message...

Am I an asshole?

P.S.: it was 100% fully NOT on purpose, it's just an alternate spelling of the name, i.e. Jakob instead of Jacob (not the name of course, for privacy purposes, just an example)

ah yes. have to add the permission for literally any specific endpoint on AWS for my root user... love it

Clowns who reply to each thread separately with a single comment on Slack instead of keeping it in the main window 🤡

Ha, Microsoft closes my easily reproducible issue with their Monaco editor as 'resolved':

> posted "resolution" is totally wrong, it's not even in the TypeScript typings of their own library or anywhere in the documentation

jesus christ today is not my day

seems like everyone already started chugging the Christmas eggnog, maybe I'd just give up and start do the same

A fresh React Native template install doesn't even come with a src/ folder

wild

I implore ANYONE... please...

Have you EVER written a SINGLE Jest test that didn't have some sort of bullshit spewing stuff like this:

"ReferenceError: You are trying to `import` a file after the Jest environment has been torn down."

"Warning: React.createElement: type is invalid -- expected a string (for built-in components) or a class/function (for composite components) but got: object. You likely forgot to export your component from the file it's defined in, or you might have mixed up default and named imports."

and yet running on a device, features work flawlessly and quite well, no errors or even warnings in sight logged

This is the most fragile pile of garbage I have ever seen.

I hate this.

inb4 your stupid ass todo boilerplate garbage you wrote tests for in freshman year. i'm talking about a REAL app with HUNDREDS of components.

where the grownup testing tools at? it's a question I've still not answered after a year of fucking around with this framework

Oh mannnnnn

We had a meeting with a data analyst today who is going to build an ML system for us.

...but at the start of the meeting, he didn't even know what our existing product even looks like!!!

...

Good one management!

Do I literally have to do EVERYTHING? It should be YOUR job to make sure every member has the essentials to participate in the meeting; YOU'RE the manager, NOT me!!!!

Oh also, let's not forget I got the meeting appointment HALF AN HOUR before it started...

#justmanagementthings

🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡