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Throughout the day I check Google analytics, I do it so much that I have a habit of typing "anal" and hitting enter into chrome and it auto completes,
I accidentally typed it not realising I still had focus on my company Slack chat window. The delete message feature is disabled 😰.7 -
Toilet seat with a laptop table in front.
The only moment I can focus.
Nobody can disturb me.
The duck also love to swim in the bath.
I can even fap when looking at my sexy code.
I don't need to travel when I gonna pee or poop. Saved me a lot of time.9 -
I think I have accidentally invented the term 'noteporn' the moment a colleague saw my lesson notes taken in LaTeX and said: "Wow, your notes are so beautiful one could fap on those!"4
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Have a friend ask me helping him with a project for University.
Make an application in Java for Matrix and numerous applications.
Done, but I hid an easter egg. If you divide the matrix by 0 scalar output
FAP FAP FAP FAO FAP FAP.
He doesn't know.2 -
Had an intern go configure a bunch of workstations for our employees over the summer - we gave him a checklist and let him loose.
Several months later... Try to support a user with their workstation and find out that $software isn't installed on said workstation. Check other workstations. No $software on any of them.
Ask intern "did you follow the checklist we gave you??!"
Intern: "Yeah, I followed it."
Ask intern: "So why is $software not installed on the workstations?"
Intern: "Oh I didn't have a copy of $software so I skipped that step."
What.
So he's probably getting shitcanned soon...7 -
Final project senior year...
Mistake 1: Chose a project suggested by the prof, who did not initially make it obvious that the project beneficiary would be a personal friend of his.
Mistake 2: Nine of us thought this project looked cool and all signed up for it.
Mistake 3: Looked at the code-behind provided for us and discovered that the web-app we were building was... programmed in Java, using StringBuilder to append HTML, CSS, and JavaScript and create its webpages. Which was then decoded and built into a webpage using some obtusely designed compiler.
Mistake 4: Decided to question the reasonability of said project to the prof.
Mistake 5: Did not quit the project as a group and do something else
We all graduated, I think, but a lot of C-'s were had. Fuck that class. -
Rolled out a new application I built almost entirely by myself 2 days ago... But my dev group is understaffed and has a project manager who is literally the most clueless person I have ever met, so as a result, we don't have a functional/useful dev/test/prod framework and no standards for how to deploy apps. So my past 2 days were comprised of fixing bugs in the live system that could probably have been caught if I had the time and resources to get everything thoroughly tested. It's stable now, but damn our management for being generally idiots. Our motto appears to be "Fuck it, we'll do it live"1
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My Boss Abuses me, should I leave my job?
I overheard this tidbit on a bus recently. Okay I'm lying. But in the great spans of
time I've spent reading "dear annie" type articles, many involving how often my meth head step dads beat me while growing up, or in turn how often *I* beat me (oh yeah)..I've come across this in one form another, this, and other dumbfuck questions from the stuttering meek and halfhearted.
They say there are no dumb questions. Well, like that guy who smoked too much weed and
asked "what is the sound of one hand clapping?" (fap fap fap), there are in fact dumb questions.The world is overflowing with them, like a clogged shitter full of tacobell and glitter covered brown gutter wisdom. And it smells like roses, if roses smelled like shit.
Questions like "How do I make sure my cats don't feel lonely once I have my first child?"
I don't know, they're fucking cats. Did you even google this before asking?
Or
"How to make spaghetti?"
Really, is this question written by a bot?
"What is the best javascript framework in year x?"
All of them and none of them. Welcome to hell.
"Whats your favorite color?"
My answer: I'm not five years old any more. And obviously you are. Why are you on this site instead of eating crayons at daycare?
Yes indeed, this and many more dumbfuck questions await you and can be found on the preeminent quora, amongst other sites.
A place, which censored an eminently reasonable answer of mine (I was totally not being a shithead btw).
I responded in kind by removing a whole mess of long form answers of mine.
What I have learned from the experience is this: Humanity is greatly comprised of many people who, having no brains to speak of, wander aimlessly like beasts of the field, glass eyed and slack jawed, in search of a savior. But their savior came a long time ago, once, and many times before. An engineer, or programmer, or perhaps in another reincarnation a guy parting a sea of koolaid after the local ruler swindled his peeps out of another payment for moving some heavy ass stone blocks, but I digress.
And in response to peoples worries, anxieties, everyday problems and concerns, every one of these would be wiseman, every one of these saviors, leaders, and great men spoke these magic words which resonate now down through the ages like the voice of reason and providence:
"Read the FUCKING manual."
"And don't bother me again asshole." (well this last bit is all me, but I'm sure others said it too.)2 -
Should I replace my Ubuntu w/ Remix OS?
Or should I triple boot? It's legacy boot only. Ugh
Or should I buy a cheap PC?
Nah. I'll just fap.7 -
So android devs dont have a brain to just code the fucking game or app to just flip the screen upside down because its so hard to fap or play when there is a bloody earpiece jack on the bottom right of your phone.
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Automate this!
I'm an aspiring coder working some chappy administrator job just to pay the bills for now. My boss found out that I may actually be more computer literate than I let on.
Boss: "I want you to make X happen automatically if I click here on this spreadsheet"
Me "X!? That means processing data from 4 different spreadsheets that aren't consistently named and scraping comparison info from the fronted of the Web cms we're using"
Boss: "if you say so.. Can you do it?"
Me: "maybe.. Can I install python?"
Boss: "No..."
Me: "what about node.js or ruby?"
Boss: "no.. I don't know what you're talking about but you're not installing anything, just get it done"
Me: "Errm Ok.."
So here I am now, way over my head loving the fact that I'm unofficially a Dev and coding my first something in Powershell and vb that will be used in business :)
Sucks that I still have to keep my regular work on target whilst doing this though!2 -
Me: "<student> don't forget to go fap n nap in time" (he tends to game until way too late falling asleep during the day)
He: "I'm ready to learn hacking, I have aircrack-ng and A LOT MORE lol"
He: "machanger, anonsurf etc."
He: "wanna see?"
me: "not rly, cus you ain't gonna be using any of them for a looong time"1 -
Tries to automate login with vb using I.E...
Gets stuck because login page is a hive of nested iframes with deep nested tags without defined names
FML -
Thought i'd try using VSCode.. initialized folder for git... and then proceeded to delete all my nodeschool work that i'd done over the past year... ARAGH!2
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1. Speaking strictly physiologically, masturbation and intercourse orgasms aren't that different in what it feels like down there. The only difference is what it feels like in your mind, but that depends on your partner and your compatibility.
2. Fleshlight Stoya edition obliterates everything that breathes in terms of orgasm power, except for one single blowjob I received from an autistic mind-reading trans boy. But he's rare.
3. If you wonder whether no-fap or no-orgasm lifestyle has benefits, it doesn't. My high score is three months without orgasm. After two weeks, you stop thinking about sex. Morning wood disappears completely. You have considerably less energy, and every time you ask yourself why, you remember: “ah, it's that no orgasm thing.” Then, it's quite hard to go back to having sex — your penis just won't go up.
4. Sucking your own dick feels weird, just like tickling yourself. It's hard to focus, and the pleasure is next to none. If you always wanted to do that, you can forget about it — it's not worth it.
5. If you're a penis person, high quality anal orgasm is THE best physiological feeling you can get without drugs. Totally blows anything penis-related out of the water, including edging and other advanced techniques. If you chase self-exploration and wonder what your mind/body are capable of, definitely try it, though you have to find an experienced partner & be patient with your body.
Pro tip: if you're a man in a traditional monogamous relationship (if so, what are you even doing with your life?…), it might be easier to convince your female partner to allow you having affairs with penis people than to go full polyamorous mode.2 -
!dev
The conversation with my friend.
friend: "So you are getting a new Job?"
me : "Yea, maybe I will start a business tho. btw , what you do for a living now?"
friend: "I fap for living."
me: "aacha? come on serious."
friend :"serious only I am telling. I donate my sperm for RM150 per sample."
me: "WTF"
friend: "yeap. and that's how I made more virgin marry with my donation."
me: "YUCKS, stop it."
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