HR Bull crap

HR: Everyone must fill out these 100% anonymous surveys about how you feel about our company, it’s leadership, and how likely you are to leave in the next 6 months etc. Please be 100% honest, since again it is 100% anonymous. Reminder! You must use the individual links we sent to you, do NOT use someone else’s link. Oh did we say it’s 100% anonymous?

The Link:

www. surveygen .com/ companysurvey123 ?employeeName=boombodies &employeeId=6969

Dev: …

Dev: Sam’s a little nervous about taking his paid leave. I guess it’s not common in Nigeria. He needs to hear from the company that taking time off like that is acceptable.

HR: THAT’S SO INAPPROPRIATE! YOU CAN’T ASSUME HE’S FRON NIGERIA JUST BECAUSE HE’S BLACK. BLACK PEOPLE HAVE A VERY RICH AND DIVERSE CULTURE, THEY ARE NOT ALL FROM NIGERIA!!!

Dev: Sam is from Nigeria. He told me so. He tells me a lot of stories from there.

HR: …

Dev: Can you tell me something about Sam besides his skin colour?

HR: …

Dev: …

HR: At company A where we are all about hiring top talent!

Dev: What does this position pay?

HR: Well we’ve done a market assessment of local wages and an happy to announce the VERY competitive offer of (insert 30% less than the median wage here).

Dev: …

HR: I assure you this is a very competitive. What we don’t offer in pay we more than make up for in culture. We are a family here!!

Dev: …

HR: Here at company A we have a great culture. It truly is the best place ever to work!

Dev: How many companies have you worked for?

HR: Besides babysitting as a teenager this is the only company I’ve ever worked for.

Dev: I thought so.

Curse you Human Resource Machine and your structure programming with GOTOs and no indenting

This deserves a repost.

HR: Hey we heard about all of the apps you are building and we were wondering if you could build one for us too

Dev: Well I’d have to run it by my manager first, what kind of app were you looking to build?

HR: Ok basically it’s a button that when you press it it completes the list of daily tasks that normally take us all day everyday like payroll and attendance reporting.

Dev: You…. want me to…automate your entire job away?

HR: No! We would be the ones to push the button😡.

Dev: I….. I’ll…. I will pass that along.

lol. i applied for a job, and the human resource manager followed me on github. does this means i have gotten the job . lol

Manager: We have a new equity survey from HR that is ABSOLUTELY MANDATORY. Anyone who doesn’t fill it out will be severely reprimanded for being against diversity in the workplace. We need this data in order to ensure we have the ABSOLUTELY EXACT ratio of EVERY minority so that we can show the people that we do not discriminate against ANYBODY for ANYTHING. One of the problems with hiring new people is that most people we want to hire turn out to be white and we are absolutely not allowed to hire any more white people because we are over the quota for white people. Now there’s a loophole to this, if that white person belongs to some sub-minority like they are muslim or gay or something like that it’s totally cool and we can show people we don’t discriminate on these things when making employment decisions!

Dev: That’s…not wh—

Mandatory Survey: Please select your sexual preferences and/or religion from the dropdown below.

Dev: jesus christ.

Why management people thinks that a career path for any senior developer is to be a "leader" and be good in business side. Its like saying "hey you are a good programmer, let me take away that work you love to do and do stupid human resource management instead"

IT Definitions of Designations

Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

HR Manager is a person who thinks that...a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months

When I'm trying to find resource to setup react-toolbox with react using same keyword in google for past 3 hours ....(google removed me from human being list to bot list)

Anyone played Human Resource Machine yet? It's fun to solve and optimize these algorithm puzzles after a hard work day.
Does anyone know other games like this?

Our company hired a "Human resource consulting" to help with our internal processes and policies. Yesterday they showed us an Excel that we should fill when we travel to attend meetings, events, courses, etc.

This spreadsheet... OH, THIS SPREADSHEET... you should've seen that.

Most of the "labels" of the "fields" were writen with terms that we do not use in our daily basis. The fields were ambiguous. You shout put a number on the Transportation quantity (ex.: 5) but have no space to describe which transport you will use (bus, metro, uber... so... 5 what?). When we asked which name shoud go on the field "superior" (director, pm, scrum master...) the woman from this consulting said "oh, I don't believe you're asking about this" (and since then, she became more rude by the end of the meeting).

We care for quality in our apps, and UI/UX is a big thing in our company. The last thing we want is need to read a f*#1n manual to fill a spreadsheet. Make it intuitive and you will not need an hour and a half to explain how to fill this obsolete form.

It's sad to think that this person was hired to improve our company, but did not bother to understand the company's culture (and values, and terms) first.

the more you do side projects the more you learn, the more you become better option to human resource managers

my job fucked up.

I thought i had x amount of (paid) holdiays left (according to the online platform) so I took them for december. they were approved and now the "human resource" person double checked it and apparenlty it was a technical fault.... They got changed to unpaid holidays without checking in with me...

Is that legal?? Bunch of clowns

Don't wanna deal with HRs no more. BRB. KMS.

Oh, come on! Human Resource Machine, Three Sort, a single cycle away from the optimization challenge! What more do you want from me?

Also, I have already gotten the challenge completed for only using 34 commands. I'm increasing the number of commands greatly for the cycle challenge in order to avoid swapping.

Resource not found exception occurred when i tried to set an integer text inside a TextView in android.

Spent an hour trying to comb through my entire android app's layout resources looking at all the declared ids and cross checking then.

Didn't work. Tried googling and stumbled upon a stray human who had encountered a similar issue.

Turns out if you print an integer inside the setText, it will not consider it a normal printable value, it will think that's it's a resource id and try to use it.

Fucking misleading exception. FML ANDROID

Anyone here tried the game Human Resource Machine? Pretty cool game since it's puzzle solving and kinda similar to programming (the logic of it)

When you come up with a solution to a programmer game that is shorter than the game devs had imagined (game is called Human Resource Engine)

So the developers in my workplace have blocked a server for themselves each when they know that there is a shortage and everyone needs to cooperate and share them. Now when they get stuck in any issue they expect me to get them out of it but just as soon as I ask for a server space, they are all like it will impact my working and we can't share. Now what would you expect me to do the next time you come to me? Do you seriously expect me to welcome you and your problems with open arms or make excuses to you when such a scenario occurs. Sometimes I think that the one thing missing here is a sense of basic human decency.

Now the zinger here - I've had similar experiences earlier and fortunately, I'm the resource administrator for the projects cloud account. Whenever these a**holes require any cloud resource, I make them go through tons of approvals which I have a blanket access granted before providing them access. Who's laughing now?

Humans are the one who moves to an area and multiplies. Multiply till the last natural resource is consumed. We are not human. WE ARE MORE LIKE VIRUS.