Resume: experience in c, c++, java and Android.
Recruiter: DO YOU HAVE 10+ YEARS EXPERIENCE WITH SWIFT AND IOS??!!

So, I was talking to a recruiter..... After 15 minutes of telling her what I do.....She asked are you into coding?

Phone rings, recruiter: "hi Scott just come across your CV and really want to talk to you about an exciting opportunity"
Me: "Ok, cool, can I just qualify this call, what was the keyword search you used to find my profile?"
Recruiter: "it's for a Java developer role for an exciting employer"
Me: "so you matched me on a Java training course I did 8 years ago?"
Recruiter: "ok, but I see you're fully qualified in c#"
Me: "you mean the support developer role from 5 years ago?"
Recruiter: "yes"
Me: "😑"
Recruiter: "listen it's a pretty bad line can I call you on a land line or drop you an email?"
Me: "sure drop me an email with your contact details and I'll give you a call back"

Still waiting on that email...

Why can't recruiters just admit straight away that they blindly called you without even reading your CV

I had a recruiter contact me today, calling me Andrew in the process. Believe it or not my name isn't Andrew, and the email address they sent it to was me@MYFULLNAME.com, so they should be able to get my name right.

I responded to them pointing that out and advising they never contact me again. (In a somewhat sassy way).

In a well crafted apology I was informed that they had a great track record and that mistakes happen. Here's the email's subject line:

RE: Hi.. opportunity in New Haven, CT (Downtown- next to train station)- RUDE DO NOT CONTACT EVER AGAIN

I responded more kindly that I appreciated the apology but the subject line confirmed my position of "not interested."

This was followed up by them trying to "recall" the email, and resend it... Like I didn't notice the insult in the subject line of your apology...

Nicely done, nicely done.

HR, why so stupid?
I'm currently living in Sweden, want to move to Austria (significant other is studying there, I'm finishing my studies over here)
Me: *Applies for a Junior Java Dev job via company's online platform*
HR1: We like your CV, be here for an interview in person in 5 days.
Me: That's expensive, can we do it via Skype? I'm still in Sweden.
HR1: How are you planning on working in Austria while living in Sweden?
Me: I'm not. I'll move to Austria in 2 months. That's when I'd like to start working with you.
Me: *wonders why they skipped that part in my CV/cover letter as it's clearly stated there*
HR1: ....
Me: Hello?
Me: Helloooo?
HR2: We're sorry to tell you that the position of Senior Database Engineer has been filled. May we use your CV for other potential openings at our company?
Me: No worries, I applied for Junior Java Dev anyways. You may use my CV for other openings.
HR2: Oh, sorry for the confusion. I just mistyped the job title.
Me: *WTF? That was a machine-generated answer. Your system filed my application in the wrong place. You didn't mistype shit.*
HR1: Oh good for you. We've suddenly found out we need a Junior Java Dev as well as a Senior Database Engineer. Do you have time for a Skype interview this afternoon?
Me: ....
HR1: Hello?
Me: ....
HR1: Tomorrow then?

if a recruiter calls me one more time about an "exciting opportunity" 500 miles away, I'm gonna punch a baby in the face.

Job ad: Must have large amount of experience working in a completely unstructured environment, be hyper innovative and be willing to work HARD and have a PRODUCT MINDSET!

Translation: Management doesn’t know what they want and even if they did they are completely incompetent at communicating what that is. You will be accountable for reading their minds and coming up with something that makes them look good. This task is impossible so you are expected to sacrifice every spare second of your life in vain pretending it is possible. If you do somehow achieve it you will not be given any credit due to your “product mindset”.

Me: 15 years of experience in AWS, DevOps, Architecture, and Security. Current title: "Senior DevOps Manager"

Recruiter: "There are a lot of opportunities, but this one caught my eye, and I thought you'd be interested... Junior Frontend Developer"

If you want to do your job, at least do it half way well. Recruiters can suck, but most are better than that.

Recruiter e-mail:

„Hope this InMail finds you in the best of your health.

I was going through your profile and found your Scala experience pretty attractive. Infact your experience matches one of the job requirements that I'm working on.”

Sure, but I don’t have anything even remotely mentioning Scala on my profile.

I received a LinkedIn message from a recruiter who thinks I'd be a good fit for a role that requires being fluent in German.

My LinkedIn profile clearly states I only have elementary proficiency in German.

I'm gonna reply and see how long it will take for him to notice 😈

So... Heard back from a recruiter today. Lovely lass.

I’d passed over a submission for her tech demo.

The brief was basically just to create a small simple module that calculates shit, nae effort.

But, when the recruiter had me on the phone she said “I know it’s a silly small module but try and run it up like you would a production ready app”.

The job spec and recruiter were keen on me demonstrating TDD, not specific on js version, final runtime, etc. The job was a senior spec at a higher salary range. So it warranted some effort, and demonstrating more than a simple module.

“Okay, cool, nae bother, let’s crack on.”

The feedback in the response from the dev today:
“He’s over-engineered tests, build...”

SUCK MY LEFT TESTICLE YOU FUCKWIT.

Talk to your recruiters, not me.

The feedback included a phrase I never hope to hear from a developer I work with:
“Tests are good but...” 😞

It was a standard 98% test suite from an RGR cycle, no more or less than I’d expect in prod.

The rest of the feedback was misguided or plain wrong. It was useful to see because I know now when they say they have “high standards” they mean: we listen to the dude who put the factory pattern in a JS brief.

Oh shit also: “someone’s done chmod 777” was in there as a sarcastic comment in the feedback. It was his fucking unarchive tool 😞

My response was brief and polite: “cheers for the consideration, all the best, James”

It’s honestly not worth warning them. Or, asking why they’d criticise something they’d asked me to do.

If you want a shitty js module, ask for a shitty js module and no more.

I got call from a recruiter today for a job I applied for on ziprecruiter. The job is listed as remote. He says no, it's Denver, I said ok, well the listing says remote, he says, ok, remote is fine. He then argued with me about salary after I said it depends on the company on where I'm happy to negotiate to, and I'd want to know about benefits etc.. here is what I currently make, etc etc. He kept on trying to make me pick an hourly number.. I said I don't know the company, so he told me the company name.. them started in again about hourly rate (no idea who the company was). Finally he moved on and said he'd email details.

5 mins later, email comes through, please give hourly salary. Then another saying he'd pass my details on and I can just ask for about remote during the interview. And then another email 2 mins later asking for education etc, all of which is in my resume. I looked the company he was recruiting for up to find that it's an IT recruitment firm, looking to fill a clients position. So a recruiter recruiting for a recruiter :|

I'll be so happy when I find a new job and don't have to deal with these idiots again.

How to get me to never respond to your email: make the subject line say "Salesforce ninjaneer wanted!!!"

First of all I don't do salesforce and second ninjaneer is not a word. I hate when people say code ninja or code warrior or any of those other crap phrases. I'm a software developer. Respect that or suck it.

We've been using a recruiter who works out of the same business park as us. They purport to be "specialists in technology".

Somehow a conversation got started and I ended up explaining how we make use of open source software, where possible.

Their response: "That's the free one, right?".

LinkedIn shows that I’m a web developer, using mainly laravel, twig, less, JavaScript, etc.

Recruiters: are you interested in a java function? Possibly .net? We’re also looking for network engineers...

Continuous emails from recruiters:

"I saw your profile on LinkedIn and wanted to see if you were interested in a career as an Area Sales Rep for [cell provider]. Here's the benefits!"

degree says IT, past jobs say IT, hobbies say IT, interests say IT. Do they just send that to everyone no matter what the profile says??

Can someone explain to me what sort of recruitments logic is this?

Me after giving interview: so when can i expect to get a call back about my results?

Recruiter: within a day or two. Definitely before X.

A few weeks after X...

Me: so, any update?
Recruiter: yes. Are you available now for the next round?

Me: .... Couldn't you have said that earlier???!! (in my mind)

Dear recruiter

Thanks for spamming me with several emails for your AngularJs role paying £200 per day.

I'd rather stack shelves in Asda, probably pays better too.

shower thought (although not in the shower). Did we as an industry suck so bad at matching skills to companies that we created a whole market for assholes to make money as the middle man (recruiters)?

Once there was this fucking recruiter who actually had the nerve to call the head-secretary of the entire R&D department of the company my girlfriend works at, to ask to be put through to her after explicitly telling the secretary what the reason for the call was.
I mean, even if my girlfriend wanted to be contacted by some shitforbrains single-celled lowlife like you, how stupid can you be, calling the head-secretary for at least 400 people and then telling them you are headhunting?

Recruiters bragging. Developers should do the same. (But not to this extent.)

Me: *asking a friend* Are recruiters friends or foes when searching for a gig?

Friend: they are motherFOEkers

Recruiters that call you "to have a chat".

I find this more offensive than the ones that call you frantically wanting to talk to you because you popped up on a keyword search that matches one word in your profile.

Why do they do this? I quite often think it's some form of social engineering and am immediately on the offensive because they have called with no clear intent.

That feeling when a recruiter sends you a message to do an assessment to join their company as an entry level developer, sends you the link to the assessment but the link doesn’t work.

Then you reach back out to them for 3 days in a row and they don’t read the message or respond.

Hey guys/gals!! I just got a recruiter offer me an interview for a job that would be a demotion AND require me to move 5 hours away! Too good to be true!!! As SUPER tempting as this is, I think I have to pass :-(. I know, bummer, right? But if anyone wants this AMAZING job opportunity that will allow you to step down on the ladder of success, let me know!! 🙄