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Scene: Senior developer left, 3 Junior devs(including me) are now loaded with work.
*Intern asks for help*
JuniorDev1: I have 2 projects of which i'm the lead on one. I don't have time to help anyone.
JD2: 2 projects as well dude, speak to me after work, much easier then.
Me: 3 projects, lead on two. Sure how can i help you.
Took less than 5 minutes to help the intern.
2 hours Later. Check in meeting
PM: Our Junior devs are really busy and can't always help you guys. JD1 are you overloaded?
JD1: Yes, is their anyway we can split the one projects work?
PM: Sure. JD2 are you overloaded?
JD2: Not really, but i agree on splitting the projects between the three of us.
Me: *Are these fuckers serious? i have three projects, they have 2 and they wanna give me more work because they are overloaded and don't know how to manage their time*
PM: Ok cool, i'll update it. CooCooK4Choo, i see you building your own game during lunch time. You definitely not overloaded.
Me: Actually! what i do in my lunch time is my own personal work because it's the only time i have to work on personal projects. I actually do feel overloaded with the 3 projects and now more work from them, could we split the work load evenly please.
PM: I thought you said you could handle the 3 projects?
Me: I can, i have been, but with more work coming my way i don't think i'll be able to.
PM: Unfortunately i need the other Junior Devs on demand, so i won't be able to split the work load evenly.
Me: On demand for what? Why not let the interns help?
PM: In case i need their help. The interns are helping the other Junior Devs with things that don't require too much out of them.
Me: *This FUCKEN BITCH!* Cool, I'm done with the 1 project, expect the business rules at the end of the day. I'll see if i can get the other 2 near done by Friday so i can have time to look over the code of the new projects that i'll be splitting with the other Junior Devs.
PM: Cool, glad we all on the same page.
You know what? FUCK this stupid shit of favoring people in the FUCKEN work place.
This is my first full-time job ever, I've been here for a full year today and i can honestly say these people are just giant children with money. I should know, out of work i am a giant child, but from 8:00 - 16:00 i'm a FUCKEN adult.18
I met one of my friend from my childhood he asked me what I do for a living.
I told him : "I am a full stack developer"
He : What does that mean? What you have to do in office?
Me: I write code for websites in very simple words.
He: Like facebook?
Me: yes, exactly.
He: So you work for windows?
Me: What makes you think that?
He: Aren't websites comes with the computer?
Me: I am so unfortunate to meet you.14
My wife is turning into my project manager . . .
Me : Check out this game I'm building as a side project!
Wife : Wow that's really neat! I expect to be able to play it on my phone. 1 month?
Me: What? I haven't even learned how to port ...
Wife : (interrupts) ONE MONTH
Scope creep even at home *sigh14
One of the project manager came to one of our senior pro developer to say something. Before he even said anything the senior dev said:
Oh Fuck, not you again!
The pm politely left the area5
Just got BUGS list from our Client and fuck- 95% of bugs are not even bugs :|
- No, changing the (not pre-decided) verbiage is not a bug
- Adding two more pages in the app is not a bug (what the fuck :|)
- No, APK file not running in iPhone is not a bug (goddamn :|)
- No, adding these "fuckin new" functionalities is not a bug (seriously ? :/)
Mr "used to be a good coder" PM,
Getting "504 Timeout Gateway" error because Server is temporarily down is NOT a fuckin frontend bug
and fuckin No, Global variables and functions without any architecture don't make the programming "kind of better"
ps: And VB dot net is not a fuckin scripting language, VBScript is.
"buggy average coder"9
** Makes a design for a landing page, in a Single-page format. My designs are usually clean and "aerated" (breathing, uncluttered). **
** Pm comes in **
Me: Oh hey! I've finished my mockups
PM: Ah nice, let's see... ** comes to my screen **
PM: Not bad, but can you remove this spacing, this spacing, and this one and this one... oh and that one too?
** corrects them as she says, everything starts looking cluttered and I dislike it **
PM: Great! Can you export them in pdf?
** PM goes away **
** Proceeds to re-make the mockups more "breathing" with an evil smirk **9
Holy fucking shit.
Why do people always expect you to know absolutely everything the second they ask?!
PM: "Yes yes of course we can do that!!! We've done it a million times, we do it for breakfast HAHAHAHAHA"
ME: "Well not really, we've never implemented a solution like that one, its gonna take some time to figure it out"
PM: "HAAAAHAHAHA HE'S SOO FUNNYY LMAOFUDKSJ DONT WORRY WELL HAVE IT READY FOR TOMMORROW :P".
Holy fuuuck I understand you wanna make the sell but you need to give the costumer a realistic look at things, at least give a reasonable deadline for what he's asking! FFS ASK ME HOW COMPLICATED ARE THE THINGS HES ASKING FOR BEFORE TELLING HIM WHEN THEY'RE GONNA BE READY! MAKE A FUCKING ESTIMATE, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM!
Oh and this rant is gonna happen, dont care if I get fired.This needs to change.3
Me, doing QA
PM: "stop submitting bug reports about screen size, we're only supporting one resolution for now"
Me: *What do you mean you're only supporting one resolution it's a website and it breaks on screens <1400 px tall*
"okay, what resolution?"
PM: "No one knows"
Me: You're looking rested - the vacation does you good, it seems.
Co-worker: I didn't have vacation?!
Me: but our PM does.
PM: Hey Brod, I know your really busy refactoring to ES6 but I think our Ruby app broke, could you fix it?..
Me: Ask Tom, he's the only one here who knows ruby he wrote the app..
PM: I didn't want to interrupt his Skype call.
Me: he's not on Skype, that's his face, he's taking snapchats.
PM: oh, well I don't want to really interrupt that either.
SAY YOU HATE ME. JUST SAY IT.8
Without even talking to me, why the fuck did you announce that I would be taking the project manager role. Who the fuck wants to do that monkey job? What the fuck is fucking hell wrong with your fucken brain.
You bloody piece of shit with masters from university and can’t handle fucken projects and client’s. Clients are complaining to me about you. Whole day looks for women to fuck during the night while we are dying virgin over here. Fuck you and I wish your dick falls apart.9
When the PM knows their shit and rejects the clients request for Wordpress and says the site is not a freakin blog.8
" The junior dev just told me about an app called devRant. What have you been ranting about me on it?"
Beware of PMs.1
In 2008 I took my first web development job for an agency that's no longer around. There was a Vice President there by appointment from our coke headed owner who really liked to micromanage and invade privacy with key loggers and screencap spyware to "manage" us. I found out because my machine would snag when moving the mouse cursor and sometimes I'd accidentally paste the screenshot into photoshop just before the software cleared the clipboard. Anyway, I wasn't supposed to know I was being monitored so I just unplugged my network cable and killed the service running the jank ass spyware. I'd delete it when no one was looking and wipe out the cache of screencaps it would compile every day. It was basically a troll vs troll stalemate for weeks. Finally they gave in and told everyone what was going on so we collectively decided to seek revenge. We bought a piezo buzzer about the size of a quarter that chirped like crickets at random intervals. We stuck it on the underside of his desk inside of the middle drawer area and let it go. They spent so much time and money trying to get rid of the cricket infestation. We let it go on for weeks. I ended up quitting before the gag was up, but damn was it funny to see him squirm in that office because of those crickets!6
Estimates are NOT... I repeat..they are NOT the FUCKING DEADLINES.
If you are asking for an estimate then remember, in your absolutely fucking small fucknugget brain, that it can FUCKING CHANGE!
The last thing you wanna do is grill the dev by asking them to explain in details why the change instead of trusting them. Specially when you don't understand a thing of the technology.
- Dev on whom you are shitting you asshole!18
Guys, my unfortunately daily rant of my pm
I was told to create a docker env for our team. Good. Document the process so everyone can know what to do. Good.
My PM follows what he wants to instead of step by step and changes whatever he wants to.
I am asked for help because he doesnt know. No prob.
Me: "Do this, do this and.."
PM: "that doesnt matter, trust me, I could change it and.."
Me: "...and it wont work"
PM: "I know suff too, check" *does his changes aaaaaand doesnt work*
* awkward staring*
That happened a while ago.
This week, he crashed his git repo because he was doing things in docker team (including him) decided not to.
Took me more enough time explaining him "you are not supposed to do that in the container" funny fact he wanted to prove that his way was right and even if he did my way it would crash.
Sooooo he did my way just to prove how wrong I was. Everything worked flawlessly. Rage-still-awkward staring.
Plus the "aww that's weird. I dont know how this happened"
FUCKING PROJECT MANAGERS.
FOR THE LAST TIME, YOUR ALTERNATIVE IS UNUSABLE As explained the original proposal, and in comments THAT YOU FUCKING REPLIED TO AND AGREED WITH, the thing you want to use WILL NOT WORK. WHY ARE YOU SUGGESTING IT AGAIN?
FUCK YOU, YOU HAIRY-ARSED TWERP.
Also, dfox can we please have fucking anonymous rants!10
When you finally snap at your PM for setting every deadline to "As soon as possible":
SAY. ASAP..ONE. MORE. TIME.5
I was interviewed for a fun CIO article about the most recent data piece we published on things that get devs mad!
Here's a true story about a "fight" between me and my project manager...
I've been working as a Frontend developer for nearly two years, managed to acquire a decent amount of knowledge, in some cases well above the rest of my coworkers, and one day I got into a bit of a disagreement with my project manager.
Basically he wanted me to copy/paste some feature from another project (needless to say, that... "thing" has more bugs than an ant farm), and against his orders I started doing that feature from scratch, to build a solid foundation from the very start.
I had a lengthy deadline to deliver that feature, they were expecting me to take some time to fix some of the bugs as well, but my idea was to make it bug-free from the moment the feature was released. Both my method and the one I should be copying worked the exact same, but mine was superior in every way, had no bugs, was scalable and upgradeable with little effort, there was no reason not to accept it.
We use scrum as our work methodology, so we have daily meetings. In one of those, the project manager asked me how was the progress on that new feature, and I told him I was just polishing up the code and integrating it with the rest of the project, to make sure everything was working properly. I still had a full day left before the deadline set for that feature, and I was expecting to take about half an hour to finish up a couple lines of code and test everything, no issues so far...
But then he exploded, and demanded to know why wasn't I copying the code from the other project, to which I answered "because this way things will work better".
Right after he said that the feature was working on the other project, copying and pasting it should take a few minutes to do and maybe a couple of extra hours to fix any issues that might have appeared...
The problem here is, the other project was made by trainees, I honestly can't navigate through 3 pages without bumping into an average of 2 errors per page, I was placed into this new project because they know I do quality code, and they wanted this project to be properly made, unlike the previous one, so I was baffled when he said that he preferred me to copy code instead of doing "good" code...
My next reply was "just because something has been made and is working that doesn't mean that it has been properly made nor will work as it should, I could save a few hours copying code (except I wouldn't save any, it would take me more time to adapt the code than to do it from scratch) but then I'll be wasting weeks of work because of new bugs that will be reported over time, because trust me, they will appear... "
I told him this in a very calm manner, but everybody in the meeting room paused and started staring at me, not many dare challenge that specific project manager, and I had just done that...
After a few seconds of silence the PM finally said... "look, if you manage to finish your task inside the set deadline I'll forget we ever had this conversation, but I'll leave a note on my book, just in case..."
I finished that task in about 30 mins, as expected, still had 7 hours till deadline, and I completely forgot about that feature until now because it has never given any issues whatsoever, and is now being used for other projects as well.
It was one of my proudest/rage inducing moments in this project, and honestly, I think I have hit my PM with a very big white glove because some weeks after this event the CEO himself came to the whole team to congratulate us on the outstanding work being made so far, in a project that acted against the PM's orders 90% of the time.11
PM: I spoke with x client, they really like x feature and want to continue.
Me: great, I'll let the team know.
PM: Yeah, I told your team already.
Me: Oh. What did they say?
PM: They all told me to tell you first, so you can tell them.
Project Managers be like "hey bruh, I just wanted to put a meeting half way through your crunch for a deadline to make sure we can meet that dead line"4
During a random meeting for a project:
PM: We'll need you to learn Go for this project. It says you know python in your job skills, so it should be easy.
Me: Uh, hiiii. I'm in security, not development. Can't help you, I really shouldn't even be here.
PM: I think Go has security built-in, does that help?
Me: ... I don't know, you need a developer.
PM: Do you know any Go people?
Me: I think that's something you should know.
- Silence enters the room -
PM: Yes perhaps, but you don't know anyone?
My boss in our northern office literally told my colleague that he'd been refreshing the site several times every few minutes and could clearly see that we hadn't done shit.
Keep in mind that we are heavily cached with Varnish and Drupal Cache on our server, and this guy is never at the office. He was seeing our website from 3 days ago because his browser was retrieving local cache from the last time he was actually there and it was during a time where we had some broken items on the site.
The part that pisses me off most is that not only did he not know to purge his browser cache to see changes, but he thought my coworker was making up hocus-pocus technobabble to "cover for me" by telling him how to clear his cache.
This guy installed AirMail, 8 times on his Mac because he was entering SMTP settings that were literally given to him in screenshots with every step illustrated and every field of configuration available for reference, incorrectly. So yeah I can see how he would be technically capable of micro managing me. Fuck.2
A fucking shit happened.
I finished coding the front-end design of the website and pushed it to the PM and Boss to review. After 5 days, they came back and said that they made mistake. They gave me the wrong sitemap and design. 23rd June is the deadline, I hope they extend the deadline.2
Had a PM in my programming class say "I want to understand what my team is going through, so I want to learn to code and the like, really to be a jack of all trades to better myself and my team" 👏 I respect that.2
Note: our PM is new.
PM: can you help me?
Me: sure, what do you need?
PM: where do the folders with all the techie stuff come from?
I had no context and spent the next 20 minutes trying to work out what folders she was on about. Turned out she wanted to know where the client side folders on our development server come from, was going to explain 'Gulp' and 'Branch' to her but I think I'd be there for the rest of the day... Why do 'tech' companies hire non-tech-savie people.4
PM asked us to skip the unit test and just deliver untested application to SIT environment due too tight timeline. But when there are defects raised by tested, PM asked why got bugs and asked us to fix them immediately while we have to develop other new features at the same time.5
Agile in practice.
I finished my story with 3 days left in our 2 week sprint.
Me: What story should I pull in next?
PM: Story <number> to add <new feature>
Me: ok, sounds good
PM: Will you finish it before our sprint ends?
Me: No, probably will take me 5-7 days.
PM: But it can't spill over, it will make our metrics look bad.
Me: I can't finish it in 3 days.
Me: Can't you just explain the spillover as us working ahead?
PM: It will look bad on our <automated-report>
Me: So don't want me to get started on <new feature>?
Me: <internally sighing> What do you want me to do?
PM: Maybe you can pair program with <Overpaid-Idiot-Programmer> to help finish their story
this happens way too often in our company
PM: did you made that change I requested?
me: yeah, its on the live server now, why?
PM: I cant see it...
me: *wtf, I specially forced the JS to reload to eliminate problems with cache* could you send me a screenshot?
PM: *sends screenshot*
me: I dont get it... I can see the changes in my browser *dev feeling intensifies* ... refresh the site and try again
PM: oh... suddenly its there, ...anyway, thanks! it looks great!
turns out our managers just dont refresh websites, they want changes to take place immediately3
Just a friendly reminder you'd have nothing to manage without us, which means you wouldn't even have a job.
PS you aren't our bosses either
had a project manager who was heavily religious.
any time he would give me impossible deadlines and I explained why that cant be done he always said "god will find a way"5
Our PM is on vacation. And our CTO/CEO takes control of the PM role.
So today he decided it was time to just start a customer change request. Regardless of the customer not having approved the actual solution and estimate.
He just said that he did not want to waste any more time talking to the customer. Now they are gonna get what ever he thinks they want.
I predict this to backfire in a fabulous way. What could possible go wrong🤔4
When project manager is talking about things that I have no idea but I just keep saying "Yes, I can do it"1
PM: We have to do this this and this. How long will it take you?
Me: Looks like a 4 hr job
Me: Still not complete after 2 days
Me every time :D3
Back-end developer: "Why is that we are more productive when the PM, PO, and the CEO ain't around?"
Me: "I dunno, haha, you tell me."5
A few weeks ago, I was joking with a friend with how PMs aren't able to understand how weird are dev time estimations and how much they love meetings.
He: "Well, we can make a meet to estimate the hours of doing that"
Me: "Or better: We can make a meet to estimate the meet of estimations"
Three days ago, we are with the PM on the weekly meeting. In a part of his lovely speech, he asks:
"What if we meet the Thursday to estimate the weekly meeting for estimations?"
Obviously we laughed instantly, and he 'forget' he spoke that.1
When your PM calls you on Sunday to quickly solve a critical bug,
But you were busy happily working on your own personal project
Product manager had me spend an hour setting up his machine for rails development. Then walk him through all of our workflow. He then proceeded to make some changes to a header tag content. Made a pull request while I was holding his hand. Then he walks out of his office acting like he just won a national championship and proceeded to talk about how he was basically a developer for the next hour interrupting work.4
The feeling of sitting through an hour debrief after a project was delayed due to added functuonality which fell completely out of the original scope was added and the PM on the project is sitting on fb with their phone the entire time.
pm: why this things are getting late in development.
me: no, I'm not late, on track, this will be done by end of the next week.
pm: but my estimation was for today EOD.
me: you never asked me for the estimation..
pm: we are here for that.
me: then do this yourself..*asshole*
Use the choices below to describe your Project Manager. No. you can't choose multiple it would be rude.4
Boss not fan of tests at all.
"Hey I'm doing all of tests" - boss to me.
"Cool, are they automated? Or do you want me to implement'em?" - me to him
[long speech about why tests are irrelevant including "...once I tested, it is tested, we dont need to have automated tests."] *im teaching you because you dont know voice*
Please, help meeee5
So new PM is forcing everyone to use Google sheets as our main project management tool as it's free and does what she likes... Was so close to just quitting.
More rage: how the fudge does she think it's acceptable for every 'to-do' no matter how big or small needs to be recorded in a sheet with roughly 30 columns @#&#&£ work is going to grind to a halt whilst we fill it in. So many better tools to use! Oh it gets worse it's 1 sheet per a person so the longer you work there the bigger the sheet gets the more time you need to spend to find, record and even open the freaking document up.11
So, my last rant here was 3 years ago, and i just signed in again to devrant to post this fucking shit.
There is this guy who is a Project Manager in my office, I haven´t work with him but he sits in front of me and i have to listen to his bullshit almost every fucking day. Anyways, the other day he was talking to some other guy (a PM, also) and he said something like this:
"Programming is the most overrated thing ever, everyone can do it, you could do it, i could do it just googling stuff, i could even replace almost every programmer in this office, it´s the easiest thing ever. a programmer couldn´t do my job even if his life depended on it ´cause they can´t talk, they can´t manage people, they can´t manage their own time, heck they can´t even manage to talk to each other. they´re just a bunch of incels who think they´re important and their job is shit anyway".
They don´t see us as human begins, they see us as necessary evil.
(apologize if i wrote something wrong. English is not my first language)10
PM approves all UI and project gets assigned to me. He then makes tons of UI changes that will affect the workflow of the approved UI. To this point, code was clean and well documented. I request a few days to re arrange the code to reflect the new workflow. PM says: I need a minimal product. I don't need it clean. I want speed to ship and start marketing. That's where I stopped caring.. To the next dev, I am terribly sorry..2
PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.
5 Minutes later:
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!
Another reason on why I hate humans -_-2
Quited my job because I want to code and not project managing (instead of coding). Found a new job as front-end developer with opportunity to become a full stack dev.
"There are people who care about the user interface (UI); I can’t do UI to save my life. I mean if I was stranded on an island and the only way to get off that island was to make a pretty UI, I’d die there." -- Linus Torvalds
That is my life in summary, I can't do UI. I love doing backend projects, even when I use bootstrap, I come up with the ugliest looking UI ever. I think developers should be comfortable with whatever they enjoy doing and not forced to do things they are not very good at. (Hello PMs) *side eye*8
Took a bit of time, but yesterday I sent in my resignation letter, long and some wat detailed list of grievances against the guy running the project.
Gonna suck to leave the team, but working for that man was tantamount to torture.
He actually gave me a lecture on Monday for not forcing my team to work unesesarry over time, because he can do nothing but make changes. I was also trouble for not doing his job and not treating my team like shit, as he does. According to him, forced overtime, disrespect are just the way leadership is.8
Let me tell you the story of how a feature request no one asked for got put in an early grave:
PM walks into weekly meeting with a single use case that one user called in about, despite never having this issue during the past year and a half that our app has been in production. PM's boss (genuinely one of the best people i have ever worked with) happens to sit in this particular meeting for no reason other than he felt like he should once in a while.
PM brings up use case and wants to devote 3 weeks' development time and another 3 weeks to test RIGHT NOW while other projects are already in motion. PM's boss speaks up with this: "Listen if this guy is really this upset, we can just tell him to build his own service. All the other end users have no problems with this, so it's not worth spending the resources on, i don't think."
And that is how i went from "this is bullshit" to "i love you" in the span of 20 minutes.2
PM: We don't need a spec. We'll figure it out as we go.
Me: O_O.... So what do you need the system to do?.....
PM: ( gives vague requirements)
4 weeks later I still no clue what they need.1
Have a whiteboard next to your office position. Keep your To Do list there and update every day/half day.
PM can just pass and see status. Maybe ask for clarification. Never takes more than five minutes. Both me and him are pleased.4
One day I felt sorry for my PM:
He was on the way to present an application to a client.
The PM showed me the mess the app was while asking with sadness how he should present that buggy thing.. he and I were new to the project.
After that day I told myself I would put all of my efforts to develop for excellent quality and change the app road.
This days all he did was pressure the team to develop fast.. all my "quality work" at half. Why I care for this guys? All PMs are the same5
Both the PM and the client wanted to see if the app is actually working on the demo ,so I just showed a dummy dialog for 3 seconds;They actually fell for it.1
I am Front End dev at a medium size company and I had to teach my PM how to create use case diagrams... Things are getting better and better at this dream job.
PM: Yes, so, could you please do those changes on this page tomorrow by 3 pm and push to prod?
Me: Yeah sure! Noted :) (task is to "untick" a checkbox in a page's settings on our CMS)
* the next day -- 11 am *
PM: erm yes so please can you do the changes I told you about, it's getting urgent and you didn't start it already and it stresses the hell out of me because today is friday and it needs to be up and running fine for Monday 12pm and you don't work on weekend so I'd like yo-
They fucked up the project deadline again. I received 5 days to finish up the web-based application without any brief and design. When I asked for it they said it's easy I can just Google for similar app and make it.
Meetings... They say coding is 70% thinking and well.. I find meetings to be a great place to think about what am currently working on. I go in with a sketch book and sketch away. I always figure out whatever is bugging me by the end of the meeting. After all the PM will send a summary of whatever I may have missed during the meeting
boss: Paul (the designer) resigned, you know why?
me: no, I only told him your plans for him, and told him must learn php, git, css, js, html5, mysql, perl, bash, oop, apache, aws and regex in a few weeks for the next project.
Signed up on Trello, got everything set up there and everyone has an account.
But my dear PM, why the hell are you still sending out a screenshot of your bloody spreadsheet bug tracker and ask everyone for updates????
Fellow devRanters how do I get (force) my PM to use a project management system instead of silly tables?12
Me: I don't need to print the city on each row of the excel file, it already appears on the top of the document.
PM: DO IT ANYWAY! THEY'RE IDIOTS!4
How I met python
[long read but worth]
There's nothing wrong with falling in love with a programming language for her looks. I mean, let's face it - Python does have a rockin' body of modules, and a damn good set of utilities and interpreters on various platforms. Her whitespace-sensitive syntax is easy on the eyes, and it's a beautiful sight to wake up to in the morning after a long night of debugging. The way she sways those releases on a consistent cycle - she knows how to treat you right, you know?
But let's face it - a lot of other languages see the attention she's getting, and they get jealous. Really jealous. They try and make her feel bad by pointing out the GIL, and they try and convince her that she's not "good enough" for parallel programming or enterprise-level applications. They say that her lack of static typing gives her programmers headaches, and that as an interpreted language, she's not fast enough for performance-critical applications.
She hears what those other, older languages like Java and C++ say, and she thinks she's not stable or mature enough. She hears what those shallow, beauty-obsessed languages like Ruby say, and she thinks she's not pretty enough. But she's trying really hard, you know? She hits the gym every day, trying to come up with new and better ways of JIT'ing and optimizing. She's experimenting with new platforms and compilation techniques all the time. She wants you to love her more, because she cares.
But then you hear about how bad she feels, and how hard she's trying, and you just look into her eyes, sighing. You take Python out for a walk - holding her hand - and tell her that she's the most beautiful language in the world, but that's not the only reason you love her.
You tell her she was raised right - Guido gave her core functionality and a deep philosophy she's never forgotten. You tell her you appreciate her consistent releases and her detailed and descriptive documentation. You tell her that she has a great set of friends who are supportive and understanding - friends like Google, Quora, and Facebook. And finally, with tears in your eyes, you tell her that with her broad community support, ease of development, and well-supported frameworks, you know she's a language you want to be with for a long, long time.
After saying all this, you look around and notice that the two of you are alone. Letting go of Python's hand, you start to get down on one knee. Her eyes get wide as you try and say the words - but she just puts her finger on your lips and whispers, "Yes".
The moon is bright. You know things are going to be okay now.10
With all the people around here ranting about their PM's, I'm really curious to see how a PMRant app would look like. What are they complaining about?
Devs that listen to music all day long and never want to be disturbed?
Engineers who talk in long, incomprehensible words?
...TDD taking too long?3
That moment when you are testing the product with the PM and you remember all the bugs that happened and all you can think is that you don't trust this abomination
So the same guy who called Ninetails from Naruto a wolf is PM in this project with me
During scrum meeting:
PM: I read the project scope again and I realised there are scopes that we didn't get it. Each time I read the scope there's something new.
Me: *Sure, the scope is fucked with a long 8 feet dragon dildo to start with*
PM: Read the scope 5 times, cause we don't want to miss anything. If QA raises an issue regarding the modules which are in scope but you implemented it wrong then it won't be considered Change request and you have to do deliver it in time even work on weekends with no compensation.
PM: Now, go through the scope again today and we will hold a meeting after working hours (unpaid, but can be adjusted in monthly avg) and I will ask random questions.
PM: And anyone who won't be able to answer them will sit through the non-working hours and go through the scope again
Me: *YOU FUCKTARD, incompetence from your side or from business development team to create a simple understandable scope can't force us to sit through non-working hours.*
I already had an opinion about this guy from my previous rant, his improved a little in between but I guess not3
Boss to client on phone: 'We'll get something to you around the middle of the week'
Boss to me (noticing my panicked look): 'Late Thursday or early Friday is the middle of the week if you count the weekend'3
When your pm forces you to push new features out too quickly and you're slowly digging yourself into a messy hell, knowing you have to one day refactor thousands of lines of code.5
So, I'm the only iOS developer in the company working on this stupid app which is never going to succeed because the client idea is just plain stupid. Anyway, 6 months developing this crap, countless iterations, trillions of so-called retard "features", and now that we are almost there to go into production my PM decides it's a great moment to document every aspect of what was done and asks me to do it. Now I have 3 documents to write and around 80 bugs to review before Friday. Stupid me for thinking he didn't waste 6 months doing absolutely nothing while I was working 12 hrs a day to meet deadlines.2
My PM is a glorified Q&A tester. Has never coded in his life and refuses to use jira or slack. He basically emails me a word document (because he refuses to use google docs) with all his "so-called bugs' errors. I dare you to tell me of a worse PM.1
Now this is true. Devrant changed me and now, after one of the devranters post I'm finally searching for a new job. Most of the time I was using PHP, but here I've seen lot of rants about laravel. Now I'm building a website with it and going to change my job. Thank you Devrant creators and community.3
Email from boss: Have a nice weekend everyone!
Colleague A's reply: The weather is gonna be bad...
PM: Oh then A, you can stay at home and make sure the sites are working over the weekend!
5 seconds later boss replied:
Oh enjoy watching the sites then!
I can tell you two are from the same pile of turd *smh*
Today boss called me on my personal phone to ask where the fuck I am after not answering a low prio mail for 10 minutes from his pet project.
We have voip.
We have chat.
No pressure meant...2
agency lesson 10motherfucking1 . Never take your project managers demands and run with them. Ask 10s, 100s of questions if needed. Layout every little aspect of the project and every little demand and every little asset needed.
They will fuck you in your ass and turn every eye on you when the client gets angry. They will fucking ruin you for the sake of their job.
Cover your ass in every way possible. Do not let your asshole manager define how shit is going down because (say it with me) THOSE WHO CAN DO! THOSE WHO CANT MANAGE!1
I'll probably accept a job offer as PM - the first one that understands Devs :)
You can start throwing stones at me now.7
PM and UX designer talks.
About a feature on android with viewpager (swipeable views) and a header with buttons.
PM : We need a back button and a close button on the header.
UX : A customer will be confused by both, with the swipe too.
PM : Then we need a close button alone.
UX : Customer will search for back button and not everyone might swipe left.
PM : We need a back button alone.
UX : Customer might not know how to close the view. He can't keep going back back back.
PM : we don't need any buttons.
UX : Customer should find it easy to close or go back.
PM : bruv.2
PM couldn't configure IMAP for Airmail so he deleted and reinstalled the application... Twice. Surprise! Still doesn't work the second or third time. 🖕3
Another unrealistic deadline from our non-software developer PM.
He agreed to client upon delivery of a complete system consisting of 4 micro-services in Node and 4 front-end Angular application integrated with each micro-service accordingly.
Project Delivery date is December 31. I have told him It is impossible to deliver complete solution on December 31.
Now he wants me & my team to come to office even on weekends.
What an idiot !5
Var X1 = "" ;
Var X2 = "" ;
Var A = "" ;
Var A2 = 1;
...why. Just why ever name variables like that.1
PM sends email to development team with the whole management team in cc.
"Guys, the data is not updating correctly! Make sure all the updates are being done! If we can't get this right then we can just forget about this whole thing!"
Me: Yes, because making generalized statements and inflammatory remarks actually help in correcting the problems...
when your PM thinks he is now a developer and makes a huge commit to git......100's of errors later, huge wtf4
*PM 6 months earlier: "Do whatever u want with this lib, your softw. will use it."
*PM today: renames main public function names in my lib - used by about 10 processes of mine.
"we have add a lot of cost partly due to currency exchange rate, but we also added some services and servers, we'll have a meeting and see what we can cancel or re-arrange."
- JIRA is gone
- SEO tools are gone
- budget for site security & SSL undecided
- Servers are too expensive.
$800 for twelve 2-24gb ram servers with backup, I call that bargain
Can't wait to see the websites falling apart. Now where are my popcorns?10
Had an issue running through someone else's buggy code and my PM told me to "use a goto to fix it up, those always used to help me in school". Can a recruiter on here throw me a bone and get me out of this place?
PM: can we fix listed changes today?
Me: hmm, let me check the list out.
PM: because I told the client it would be ready tomorrow morning.
Big IT consulting company ask us (small web agency) to develop the "html" code for a web app for their client. (They'll want the front-end to implement it in Cordova or other shit tools they use).
I had to use some "includes" in php, for header and footer, because for 50 pages it'll be tedious to edit a thing (the design is not definitive yet) without open all the .html files individually and replicate the edits in all the pages.
We've delivered the package containing all the pages and a "inc" folder for the header and the footer. The pages have the extension *.php
Their pm ask us why we didn't do it in html, since they expected that.
What the fuck is wrong with you?5
Two tasks at the top of the backlog that was approved by the scrum master, and pm. We finish them in a few hours. Pm comes out.
Pm: Why are you guys working on those tickets!?!?!
Us: because they are the first things in the list.
Pm: but the client hasn't agreed on the work yet.
Us: then why is it the top of our list!!!
Pm: cause it's important.
So today I spent the whole day at work in a website to make it go full responsive. When I finished, the PM told me "Forget about these and those screen sizes, make everything over 1024px a desktop view". There are tablets with screen bigger than just 1024px... Anyway, I got a little mad because I spent the WHOLE day working with those tablets that are bigger than 1024 just to get a " Forget about these and those".
Fine, I'm fine now... I needed to tell this to someone, I know you will understand my pain, guys :)2
The company hired a Senior Project Manager (SPM) and two months in we had the following conversation:
SPM: Hey, go talk to the project stakeholders and get the requirements for the project.
Me: Uhm, isn't the PM supposed to go and gather the requirements?
SPM: I'll go check with the stakeholders. We don't have a PM :)
Me: You are the SPM... Which is the same thing?
SPM: hmmm... I'll go ask them and get back to you.
GFG, you've been here for two months, are supposed to be a senior with many years under your belt as a PM and yet know nothing about your job. You don't even know that you're a PM.
here's one for ya: we devlop, use and sell a crm with extensive project managment, task assignemt and time tracking modules in it.
It is the main income ofbthe company.
Yet somehow we're still required to send an email with status update at the end of the week.
FFS i don't remember what i did on monday and all the 100 micro tasks that jumped in between.
That will take me an hour to gather the info and write an email that software automaticaly sends out everyday to PM anyway. :((1
When the PM schedules you for 160 hours in an 80 hour sprint... I didn't enjoy living my life anyways, apparently. FMDL.3
I love when a PM makes a big deal to get their own office but then takes personal calls with the door open. On speaker phone. To his wife with 3 screaming kids in the background. While everyone is trying to work. Fml. Just let me code in peace.1
My PM frequently asked me what I'm doing as a Programmer in my Team because he wants to understand us better - I first started out explaining him every Detail of our work - he didn't get it - I then simplified it and told him We are creating the functionality and Gameplay features - he didn't get it. I then finished our conversations with telling him what I do like that "I drink coffee and I know things" - he was satisfied and I could work on2
When your PM or boss says they used to program back in the day in FORTRAN and haven't done shit since.
Client calls screaming they want to go live today.
And oh yeah they also want three morebpaymentbgatways integrated before that.
The documentation is scarce and we never used them before.
Got it on the table 4h before day ends.
Why is that when a project deadline has only 2 weeks left, Project Managers starts the project then. Why not start the project when we have 3 or 4 months left for the deadline?
Our Project Manager has this lame attitude that she will start with the sitemap, wire-frame and designing of a website when we have only 2 weeks to the deadline.
What the fuck is going on in here?5
Me busy coding, trying to hit the dateline.
PM stretches his arm and starts working after getting bored browsing facebook. *Time to get productive
10 mins later. comes to me with a list of changes. To a project I finished last week, saying it's urgent. Have to be done today. He promise the client to fix these Changes by the end of this week. *wow thanks for pilling me with this now
.... one week later. client emailed and question us. On a few of the (PM self initiated ) changes and want us (me) to revert. -.-3
PM : "Is the bug fixed?"
Me : "It's gonna take some time". (At that time, I didn't even know how to reproduce the bug)
....After 300 seconds
PM : "Is it done?"
I see a lot of rants about Project Managers (PMs). As someone who might work as that in the future, what are the some do's and don'ts for that role?11
Today I've come to the realization that being a PM is like trying to herd cats. I don't have enough energy for this and programming 😣😧2
Migration in progress (long one, lasting over a month)
PM: Let's schedule a meeting to discuss migration progress
PM: Let's schedule a meeting to agree on what should we test
PM: Let's schedule a meeting to get specs of the new infra
Seriously, PMs. One 1 hour long meeting costs at least 4 hours of productive time (1 hour for travel, 1 hour for the meeting, 1+ hour for preparing for the meeting, 1+ hour for post-meeting discussions). And more often than not all meetings end with "We will come back to you later in regards to <some question not answered during meeting>" and it always means "we'll continue this chat via emails"
Why can't you first ask "do we need a meeting or can we sort this out via email?" ??? Or are you intentionally wasting everyone's time?4
I have been working on a hybrid app since 7 months
Today my manager told me, I didn't do anything except adding random plugins here and there :|
And my colleagues i.e. native app developers were laughing :|
What the fuckin fuck man ://3
Just found this awesome function in the old commits.
This function cleans the stored cache in every update. Make sure to call it before every feature addition.
print 'Cache is cleared. '
I just found out today , that my pm had mistakenly committed the email id and password of his account(which he probably used for testing) in the public repo in github.
Although he subsequently removed it, I can see it in commit history.
The point is.....
I don't kinda like him...
Any mean ideas....?11
"We don't need to design this page, we'll just wing it in dev. It's not an important page."
result: 47 jiras about choice of fonts, alignment, padding, missing images that were never provided, how it looks shit on mobile and can we make it black instead?1
Blog : https://ngcoderscope.wordpress.com6
Lots of people seem to have awful PM's, so I just thought I'd express appreciation for my PM (who I found out last week goes to my church, which was cool). He regularly asks questions about how our system works so that he can be constructive in directions instead of acting like he knows what's up. Woo Tim! Ok feel free to go back to negativity time4
PM pushed me to finish all of my tasks last friday because he told me we have a demo with the client this week. He even asked me to OT.
It is already fucking thursday and I am still waiting. I haven't heard any updates from our PM.
I feel pissed because I did my task crudely due to "imaginary deadlines" imposed by this son of a bitch PM. I could have written a better code if I have this week as the deadline instead.1
Companies new policy.
Deadline is looming, we need to work super hard and be super productive so we will set 3 meeting each day to check on how productive you have been in the last 2 hours...1
Company uses Trello to track bugs and features the devs are doing.
End of the week the PM: "So what bugs and features did you work on this week?"
If only there was a platform that we could track all these things... 🤦♂️1
been thinking about quiting for a while, and then yesterday happened.
we where at a metting and in the middle of a heated discussion, my boss screamed:
i didnt say much that meeting after than.
later that day i quit my job, that i in general had been very happy about :/6
A bad PM looks at every project in the last 6 months noticing how they are each far over their estimated time, angrily asks why each is so far over and then continues to self quote development jobs.1
So I was just informed I have 40 tickets with my name on them. No big deal normally except that I had no idea and was scheduling based on the fact that I knew I had 25 on my plate and most of them were OBE. How did I find this out you ask? Well rather than updating the tickets in our ticket tracking system, my PM updated a spreadsheet that is out in no man's land. So it looks like I have been doing no work for the last 3 months when in reality I have been busting my ass to get shut done and fixed. Why even have a ticket tracking system?
Pm: Hey we need you to add this feature to client ABC and we need it in 3 weeks.
Me: Ok. Just so I know how long have you know about this?
Pm: Oo about 3 weeks ago.
Me(outside): Ok 😐😐😐
Me(inside): Really you could give me some information about this 3 weeks ago. Even 2 weeks ago would have been find. AHHHHHHHHHHH!😡😡😡😤.2
PM schedules deployment on a Friday... I address my concern about deploying on Fridays, I am assured it won't happen again since it is a special occasion. Next week's Friday... "Guys we need the remaining tasks on jira by today, client wants the app on production by today". smh1
I would like to see a full stack developer version of it.
Found this on 9gag it's fucking hilarious...
Was hating my new job. Turns out my PM is new and was assigning me tasks outside the scope of what I do. But yeah PM, keep pushing for a shiny front end to an internal tool. Not. Happening.1
That moment when you PM wants you to start working on new groundbreaking software, and its been 3 weeks and he still hasn't told you what he wants..2
My PM ! Yes you heard it right ...he always pushes me to edge of everything and make me strong enough to handle tough situations both in professional and personal life! Because of his guidance I was able to find out skills in me put them to best use..😊3
My face when PM checks the project day before the deadline and list down time consuming changes that needs to be completed the next day (Deadline day) before 10:00AM.2
> 1 year into project in React.js with a 10+ members in team
> PM panics over last Apache statement
> PM: "fuck, rewrite it in Angular 4 : /"1
I read an article that says stress balls are far less effective for stress relief than punching your PM on the face.
They should have included a warning...
Just realized my next comback to PM:
No, we can't deliver yet, we need further testing before we are ready. I mean we don't want to end up in a situation similar to exploding batteries right?3
Finally ended, the stupid meeting which was going from last 4 hours for a web app. In the end I got to know that I'm not part of it.
Wow, what a wonderful way to waste my time.3
project-manager : what are you doing ?
me : just having some coffee .
project-manager : stop all shit go to work .
me : ok sir . got up and went for my laptop .
my mother screamed at me and screamed "what
are you doing ?"
i then realised it all a night_mare1
Am I the only one who is working on a different project every day? And they're not small projects. All medium sized e-commerce sites (Magento 1&2) with tons of custom made functionality.
Soooo counter productive...
For some reason our PM's think it's the most efficient way to do it this way, even though we said numerous times it causes the opposite result. Having to switch to a different project every day and constantly picking up where you left a week ago is so frustrating...2
Working on a very large project that has been going on for 6 months and will run for 18 more.
The day before our bimonthly meeting with the client the PM decides to walk out and quit without telling anyone. Now we're left to try and figure out what he was doing, as most of it was poorly documented it's gona be a pain.1
Lead Dev: Release what you have today for testing.
Me: It's not finished?
Lead Dev: Release it for testing anyway.
PM: Don't release until it's ready but it has to be ready by Monday.
Stuck between a rock and a hard place come to mind...1
When a PM or other self proclaimed demi god decides to tap the shoulder of the programmers with headphones on just to look just above their head and say "oh, i see. a programmers thoughts do throw a nullPointerException when disrupted"1
Migrated to new email clients, half a page long signatures were gone and no notice to put it back.
So I added my own: "Freeeeeeedoooooom, no more signatures".
Promptly got called by PM to: "It puts the signature back in the mail or else it gets the free seating back."1
Wife started to remind my of features required for next deploy. Pushes me and motivates. At this point I am afraid to use my whiteboard I use for quick tasks and feedback notes
[tl;dr at the bottom]
(Project Team Group Chat)
dev: @Desing team, i have a question, there's a required field missing in you design, can i go to your desktop to get an quick answer/explanation about that?
PM: [writes a huge text to tell me that i can not interrupt them even if its a blocker and that we (dev team) shoul write them down and tell them only once a day in the scrum meeting]
dev: uuumm ok
dev: so about that field, why did you...
Client: WHAT? There's a problem with the design!? oh boy, lets re-check every view right now with the whole team!
(it took like 2 hours, the field was missing just because they forgot that feature)
PM: okay, @DesingTeam, answer any questions from developers when they ask you...
we spent almost two hours with the client just because desing team didn't want to answer me a little question
Our pm is awesome always keeps things on track, gives suggestions and stuff but she got assigned to a different department. Now we have no idea what to work on. Feeling lost.3
I feel like front end guys and gals are basically the folks that make the back end guys and gals look good for the boss. Not in a straight dev shop, but when your boss thinks html is a programming language...4
Background: Process issue in the plant that the workers said was a software problem. I’m a Software Dev Manager
Exec: This is broken and it is a software problem. We just noticed it this week.
Me: Couldn’t have been us, relevant code was changed this time last year. Sounds like a process issue.
Exec: Can you give me an exact date it was changed last year?
Me: (Seriously, WTF?... checks git...) It was changed on December 2nd, 2016. Couldn’t have been us.
Exec: Can you detail that change for us?
Me: (GTFO) No, not my problem, stop trying to make it my problem.3
In the morning PM told me that a project home page skinning is due tomorrow afternoon. Few minutes ago, she said that another project application is due tomorrow.1
I got handed over a project that has hundreds of lines of commented codes, some dating back to 2013. I am then told not to delete those as we "might need them". WHAT DO YOU NEED A 4 YEAR OLD COMMENTED CODE FOR???1
4 days left for project deadline and PM just realized that we are behind in the design. Meeting at 9AM, am sure that they will ask me to work really late to complete, I don't think it's possible.
Guys, should I let this project fail, just note that I didn't receive the designs?14
Hello fellow devs, how do you clear your mind when you cant make something work? I think most of you had this feeling like 'fuck that, creating from beggining will be easier'1
I am not even at our office yet the PM already sent us multiple emails asking us to do trivial stuff like update excel sheets, file reports, etc... WTF!? Can't you fucking wait till I get to work!?1
"I want you do this *extremely vaguely described task* for our next project. Can you think for less than 30 seconds and give me an estimate?"1
PM: "I have an easy question for you."
me: "Well let me decide if it's easy."
PM: "Where do the images for X in project Y come from?"
me: "Good question. No idea. I will come back to you."1
"As a Product Manager in this project I need to work with a Front-End Developer so that the front-end side of the project gets developed perfectly"
PM I ♥ you.3
never before have I been happy to be asked to work overtime, but for once, fuck yeah...
Bit of back story, I am tech lead on a massive project that has been run like a complete shit show, the PM who also happens to be the brains behind the project seems to think we are miracle workers and for the first 9/10 months of the project would make significant, like delete a weeks worth of code and start over changes, 3-5 times per week. There are features for the v1 release that have been built in excess of 5 times. I have been saying since October that even without all his constant changes, we will NOT make the deadline, and naturally as is part of my job I argued against every unnecessary feature he tried to implement, eventually he pulled me into a meeting to tell me how much he values my opinion, I need to stop arguing with him and he does not want to work with yes men (I have a rant about that convo already).
I believe our CEO finally started smelling a rat as he insisted on joining our daily stand-ups, during which said PM scripted some lovely stories to disguise the fuckup we are in, and since has assigned another PM to take over and do proper project management and risk analysis.
That is where the email comes in, a lot of the work assigned to me will miss the deadline by a month, honestly I am impressed that it is by so little and so few people will not be missing it, but anyway, he probably spun a few stories there too.
So I spent part of the work compiling the most perfect surgical response as not not actively throw him under the bu, but create a quite a few questions that they hopefully as, as himself and the CEO where cc'd into the mail.
And the jist is, the deadline itself was still impossible and 8 of the 10 tasks assigned to be have ZERO back-end whatsoever, and those tasks are about 80/90% integration to said non-existent back-end, some of those services and data structures have not even been planned yet and we are a week past the deadline and 3 weeks from the just as useless extension.
PM keeps inviting me to meetings so I can see the process flow he created and bask in his greatness... :-/
Pm: we need to add a feature to the app, how long will it take you?
Me: what is this "feature"?
Pm: we still polishing the idea, how long will it take you to add a feature to the app?
Me: bitch wtf? Get back to work!!
Female lead PM told me to another field to a already overcrowded screen, I slipped out the phrase: "Another one? It's already tighter than a Virgin just not as wet...."
Guess I just figured out why I didn't get a raise this year.3
our team are responsible to build backend restful API for other team to look up data in DB.
the consumer team just sit beside us.
the interface definition came from our pm in a different time zone. btw he did not have any programming background.
and he insisted that just build what he said and ignore the noise from the consumer team. because each interface change should be considered as new features and need him to prioritize and create user story and he will review the schema with the pm from consumer team and so called architecture who did not coding real shit for years.
we ended up with building shit code not useable by our real consumer.
yes he do manage to keep our team busy building worthless shit and accomplishmented lots of jira items to show we have value to change a useless shit into very hard to use shit1
when your PM doesn't know how to use Github, and he downloads the repo,edits it and makes another repo to share it instead of just forking it -.-2
Lot of Crashes, alpha release.
*Wild PM appears*
Summons team and Quotes, "Is there a way we can avoid crashes before it happens in code??"3
When your PM is a Cow and doesn't understand ANYTHING - Just perfected an aspect of a project and then being asked to play around with something that has already been completed. ERRRRR (@NAlignak will confirm!) 🐄+💻=😤😤😤 (rant over)
I used to strive 7years back to become the company project manager. they agency was helping me to get there, and when they fired the old PM I thought "this is it!!!"
instead they hired another guy, which got me frustrated.
all that being said, I give that guy full credit for everything I know today.
A client wanted his site to be finished earlier. The boss said ok if the client would pay more, and he did. However, a FE dev got sick (virus infection he said) and would have to rest for an extended period of time. The PM came in yesterday and said, "Alex (me), we are running out of time so you will have to take (FE dev's name)'s position because you said that you learned basic html/css when you were in high school." The PM left and close the door before I can turn my head away from the screen and say something (I was like WTF?). One of my BE colleague, who had been asked to do similar sh**t before when a FE guy got sick, pat on my shoulder and said, "Alex, you have won the lottery this time." Q.A.Q..I have just finished a navbar with 4 tabs using Uikit, it took me 90 min already.2
I have a biased, opinionated favoritism towards project managers who can symphatize with their developers.1
So I went for a "special" interview to a company whose slogan is "experience certainty" (fresher, was hoping to get a role in cyber security/Linux sysadmin). Got shown what the "real" hiring process of an indian consultancy company is...
We were called because we cleared a rank of the coding competition which the company holds on a yearly basis, so its understood that we know how to code.
3 rounds; technical, managerial and HR...
Technical is where I knew that I was signing up for complete bullshit. The interviewer asks me to write and algo to generate a "number pyramid". Finished it in 7 minutes, 6-ish lines of (pseudo) code (which resembled python). As I explained the logic to the guy, he kept giving me this bewildered look, so I asked him what happened. He asks me about the simplest part of the logic, and proceeds to ask even dumber questions...
Ultimately I managed to get through his thick skull and answer some other nontechnical questions. He then asks if I have anything to ask him...
I ask him about what he does.
Him - " I am currently working on a project wherein the client is a big American bank as the technical lead "
Me (interest is cybersec) - "oh, then you must be knowing about the data protection and other security mechanisms (encryption, SSL, etc.)"
Him (bewildered look on face) - "no, I mostly handle the connectivity between the portal and data and the interface."
Me (disappointed) - "so, mostly DB, stuff?"
Him (smug and proud) - "yeup"
Gave him a link to my Github repo. Left the cabin. Proceeded to managerial interview (the stereotypical PM asshats)
Never did I think I'd be happy to not get a job offer...1
I asked a senior PM once if software developers were the hardest to work with. He said no, road construction teams are worse.3
Whenever you feel the need to rant about your project manager, always remember you'd wish you had one if you reported directly to the CEO.3
Me this morning(On Way to Work): Not going to let anything upset me today, i'm going to work, succeed and then have lunch with fam :)
Me In office(Still morning): This song is awesome(song i don't really like)
PM: Meeting Now!
PM In Meeting: What do you have to do?
Me: Some CSS shit. Gotta make things look pretty after they work so beautifully.
PM: OK but be more specific
Me: Layering issues with the popups, the alert input needs some tweaking.
PM: What are you busy with now.
Me: Layering issues.
PM: *As she writes on board* So that's alert, popups, layering issues, input and CSS.
Me: No it's just two tasks.
PM: You've got a lot of work, get started.
Team Leader: It's only two tasks, it's not five.
PM: Oh i thought they were all different.
Me: *Breathe in... Breathe Out*
Me (around 12ish): Fuck! This Dense. Bitch!!
PM 1ish: Meeting Now!
PM: How far are you?
Me: Well i'm about done, just gotta test the changes, if it fails debug it a little and done.
PM: *Explains some shit about what i have to do*
Me: *Knowing what she's already going to say* *Slirps coffee really loud*
PM: You listening?
Me: oh yeah sure.
PM: *Gets pissed says it's because she didn't have coffee yet*
Me: *Slirps coffee while making eye contact*
Me inside: Mwahahahahahahahahaaa!!!1
Give me an example of a cool thing your PM/team leader did for your dev team.
Our douche PM got sacked so i need ideas for my fellow dev team 🤓
*chuggs coffe in celebration*2
PM: we have plenty of time to develop this app. The client is so slow in providing designs and specifications that it took them 2 months just to give me this lousy mockup where they copy/pasted UI element directly from Photoshop. Btw, i have a meeting this afternoon with them :)
ME: ok. since it's Friday, monday you will update me :)
[Fast forward the weekend]
PM: where the hell is the App ? the client told me we have less than one month to deliver it. why didn't you provide a fully functional pixel perfect prototype yet ? Why don't you communicate with me ?
How can I fucking plan a software AFTER I implement it??? People want to shit without eating first....1
> [PM from a totally different project / team comments on already-closed 10-line PR] How about we [add a totally new feature involving several engineer-weeks to patch over a fixable bug in another part of the system] instead?
> [me] we can talk about that, but it's nontrivial and we should scope any work relating to it to be sure we're doing the right thing
> [him] [starts private email chain] this should be simple. Why isn't this as simple as that other change?
> [me] [explains why]
> [him] I think it should be simple. We'll talk about it offline tomorrow and maybe you can do it next week.12
PMS must think there's a magic word called "it needs to be done" (by noon, in one hour, today"
Maybe they think that whenever they say, the solution becomes automatically ready?3
Finished our first phase of the project about a month earlier. We entered the second phase and the project manager is shouting to do it as quickly as possible.
Sometimes I think I should have watched TV series in the meantime rather than finishing the task early.
What the fuck is a "pre test"? And why the fuck do you call it if there are no other tests after it? Get your shit together pm!!!!
when the pm chooses a js library but says can you just change this... either accept the library as you chose it or give a proper spec to write it from scratch
Changes in the sales process enabled users to break it. I fixed the problem and suggested how to corrected those broken sales. PM wants to make tomorrow a day of meetings with stakeholders and other PMs to discuss if I should get to spend few hours fixing it.
Guess Ill tell them then that I already wrote a app on my way home that fixes it.....
I think it would be awesome to have a PM system, where you can send personal messages to each other.
I understand that you'd need to integrate blocking and other privacy features, but hey what do you think?4
A pm asked about a feature I was developing and I went on to show them what I got so far. Feature-wise almost finished, but it still needed to be polished and thoroughly tested, as such it wasn't merged yet. Weeks later - I couldn't finish it yet for unrelated reasons - there was great confusion about why the feature is not there as it had been billed to the customer already. So I gotta pull some sunshine out of my ass and bring it to the last release branch..2
Devs: We've spent some time estimating the stories, and found that we will finish a month too late. Which stories should be removed?
Devs: Which are less important?
PM: All are vital. (read: Work harder)1
PM: I can't see the Facebook page, can you check what's wrong with it?
Me: *click click tab tab* There's not much I can do... I don't have the admin access
PM: Who is the admin?
Me: ABC (who is on holiday)
PM then decided to bombard ABC with emails & phone calls (& to ABC's family)
PM: When ABC comes back, ask for the login details
Me: But that's linked to the personal account.....
PM: It doesn't matter
Where the f is privacy?
p.s PM is an arrogant bastard who logged in to ex-colleague computer, read her personal emails, found out she went to a job interview, told the boss and asked her to come back then fired her on the spot8
Argument in the office today when the designers went rogue, ignoring the PM's agreed plan with the client and started mock-ups for what they thought would look better. Boiled down to "No. Just stop that and do what I asked, you're wasting your time." vs "No, we're doing this. I'm a designer, I know this will look better."
Anyone else had issues with designers trying to take charge?4
Am I missing something, or is a project manager just supposed to ask stupid questions and not aid the project in any way?4
Had a Long discussion with stake owners and PM. Ended in despair over corporate guidelines and impossible demands from the board / CEO.
PM finally said: Fuckit, let's get a beer, i'm buying.
Best day so far this week.1
PM show's me a brouchure for a client. And said can you make open animation in PDF? Like unfold.. We want it for tomorrow. Hhahahahaha3
In our company most of the PMs do the development. Surprisingly it does with pretty well.
But this PM just asked "how to get rid of spaces in a string"...2
I work 8-9 hours a day. With my PMs love for contextual switching I avg 6 hours of client billable time.
Debating if I should bother having this talk with them. My PMs a fcn bull dog which makes things hard. Can’t address anything without it being a bull taking session.4
PM comes into my office: "Hey, if <client> asks about his edits, just tell him they're scheduled for this week."
me: "I thought they were scheduled for this week, I thought that you were currently in a meeting to get final specs so you could tell me what needed changed."
PM: "Yeah, he wants to take the plugin from 5 steps down to 3, we told him it wouldn't be a problem and we would have it done this week."
me: "Ok, there are limitations as far as what I can cut out of the process, his tag line when he started as a client was '5 easy steps' and I built something that did what he wanted in 5 steps. Changing things this late in the game is not simple, I'm talking a minimum 6 hours of work."
PM: "Well I tried to make sure that what he wanted was possible but I didn't have a developer in the meeting. It shouldn't change anything that much."
He ended up scheduling a meeting with me and the designer to go over the edits Thursday afternoon. So I will have the new specifications which I said would be a minimum 6 hours of work and I will be given ~10 hours in which to do it. I sure hope nothing unexpected pops up while I'm working on this.
I'm also the only developer this week (and technically speaking I'm junior) since our senior dev wrecked his car over the weekend and isn't planning on being in all week. I'm the only computer literate person in the office of 50 or so, which means that if there is any kind of tech issue I'm ripped away from my desk for 'emergency help'. I have two other sites to get ready for client approval meetings by Friday afternoon and if the clients approve I will be launching their sites that afternoon as well.
The sign on my door currently says "Error 500: unable to handle your request" I need something to throw at these people.4
Away in vacation for a week, PM keeps mailing me issues that need solving asap, let me be man let me be....2
PM: I want you to develop something I possible in a short time. Can you do that?
Dev: Never stopped me before...2
Receiving a task from PM to be fulfilled two weeks before the deadline ends.
Days until deadlines end: 4 - thanks for stealing my holiday
this whole conversation is 4 hours before a UAT deploy.
PM: Do we have the new keys?
me: did they devs give you the new keys?
PM: no. what about the new URLs?
me: what are the new URLs.
she walks away.
*shows a demo with bootstrap to PM*
PM: This is shit
So we sticked to the current version by a designer. That version crashed when....change screen resolution in a pc.
Thanks that was long ago.
AHH!!! PM talk is melting my brain...nodes are...collapsing...
"We need to post-mortem our lessons learned and level set our expectations so we can define quick resolutions and set tollgate approvals, at a very high level."
# clear my head of beastly things
print ('\n' * 666)
As a Client, I want to have on my left-side menu link to the FAQ page.
On the page should be:
How I verify my balance?
Bla bla bla
How can I see my personal details?
Bla bla bla
How I logout?
Bla bla bla
Do anyone know if this is contagious ?4
PM: I booked you to do a manual announcement of winners on our competition every Sunday. Just for a month. It's just a list of the winning codes - pure HTML.
Me: Why manual?
PM: There wasn't budget for a system to handle it.6
Starting job where I am no longer a developer doing developing.
Damm I hate the ops job, now they letting me do pm work without pay raise or anything.
So worse mistake I ever made....1
I saw a thing on the Workplace stack exchange site. This college kid with no in industry experience read the false narrative that "pitting your testers against your developers for bonus money encourages better productivity and bug free code". And thought it sounded good on paper. This worries me in many ways (especially since he wants to make a startup). The first being that he couldn't see how both sides would game the hell out of such a system, which I feel any worthwhile engineer types would easily figure out. The second is seeing money as the major motivating force behind software devs doing their jobs. I had a third but I am tired.
But seriously, who is still writing this bullshit (that article, not the kid's question) in 2016?
On Tuesday, I meet with a PM to go through priorities and set up a Trello list with task-specific cards (we live and die by Trello, it's not new to him). We determine that work on that list will begin first thing Thursday. PM calls me mid-morning Thursday and says, "just calling to see what you're working on."
Every once in a while you find an awesome Product Manager who makes Dev life amazing... sadly, he’s looking for new work now, anybody need a truly amazing Agile PM at a kick-ass company?
I don't know what to feel when you are the only person in team who has completed his deliverables, has his deliverables tested and stamped as alright and yet every time there is an issue everyone simply assumes it it you. Where is my f
* trust, why you so quick to believe the other guys....
and even if they blame me as a member of my team your first thing should not be to blindly believe their claims. I'M ON YOUR TEAM, you forget that when I'm being blamed you are also being indirectly blamed? I may be lacking in communication but my work speaks excellence fluently if anything TRUST THAT! 😑
As you have seen this week again we have a problem with data imports from <tool 1> and <tool 2>. Clearly the existing setup is not working. We are now encouraging more and more people from the project to start using our portal and we need a stable and up to date environment.
Can we have a call please to discuss the following topics:
1. Portal data integrity
3. Project Communication
4. Development efficiency
<Drama Queen PM>1
So, PM who has arranged 1.30 hours of meeting to ask us about 'the agenda' requested by client, decided to send 'another agenda' asking explanation what client exactly wants, which clearly wasn't the agenda of this meeting.2
Few days ago PM said that all of our grids should load all the data at once and just display it, and now today he says he likes paging more. So many files to refactor :////
BTW: every grid has to be set up individually :(((1
// long rant sorry
A few jobs ago I had a meeting that was scheduled for 15 mins. It was not going to be a bad meeting. I was looking at the people that were invited a few dev's, few pm's, and this one guy (Fuck!!). This one guy we will call him R.
So R is a pm but not just any pm he is the pm that will keep asking why like a 5 year old trying to understand how a car works. To top it off he loved to debate in the work place anything and everything. How something worked or why something was the way it is.
So this one meeting was about a project that I had started on my own and turned in to this huge project. I was super excited it was one of those project that you are excited to work on and love to add new things to it. The meeting was to talk about how it was going to be used and what customers sites this was going to be added to in the coming weeks. 15 mins not bad.
Well the meeting comes we finished in about 10 mins I was trying to get out of the room before R started. Well I waited a little a little to long and sure enough he asked the question. "What about this drop down?". Instantly I thought "FUCK!!! Here we go." Now I don't remember what his exact question was about said drop down but it ended extending the meeting by another 30 mins with me almost cussing him out and walking away.
There was a heated debate about this thing and R continuing to ask questions and want to debate this. I was only saved by the lead dev and lead pm say that they think that this is something that could be talked about at a later date. Lucky for me I was leaving the company in the following weeks.
PM: We need to add "Under Contract" banners dynamically to listings on xyz.com
Me: No problem
[ ... a few minutes later ... ]
Me: xyz.com has been updated. Check out the listings and let me know if anything is out of place.
PM: The updates you made look great! How does this scale (in the most basic sense of the word; i.e. in the viewport) on abc.com.
Me: ? òįÓ ? ... that's a completely different site ... why would it affect it if you didn't ask for it.
PM who botched the project now thinks the newly appointed project leader has some really crazy ideas...1
You finally crack that algorithm you have tried for weeks and as you run a test your boss blames you for a typo
I set up this Internet of Things Raspberry PI station to monitor the PM's but they did not think it was funny.
This morning I went to our PM.
After he went down on his knees and prayed to me (Yes. I managed to do a Feature he wanted soon) we watched a product gif of a new release of the framework we're using.
We watched it for 10 minutes. Was very relaxing
I think we're getting crazy
So this embedded product is already a year late as cutting a task from the schedule didn't make the problems it would have addressed go away.
Now there's a performance issue (turns out to be how the customer had configured something) after we've been stumped for over a month and not got any closer, theres a meeting with the design authority, project manager, systems engineers etc, we say we can't tell where the issue is exactly, can't easily tell what Linux is doing all the time etc etc, so this product does a lot of IP processing, the project manager asks - do we even need an OS?
Are you having a laugh?! We barely took him serious before this meeting, we still don't now and it was three years ago! I mean, who wants to write their own OS and associated infrastructure themselves? 1 year late already, think you can add another 20 man years onto that!
PM comes into the bar and shouts:
- drinks for alll on me !
Then he faces three devs sitting in the corner and says:
- so what is the estimate of gaining currency for our fresh and innovatice project i have just started ?
every time a popup window pops out above another popup i imagine a little innocent bunny massacred by some wicked PM
Never quote less than the time it will absolutely take to do. Because three months goes by and rather your PM did or didn't say something along the lines of "they cant afford that much time" or "We'll need to keep time around this range to make it happen for them and the residual income will cover that", your head will still be on the table when those words are forgotten and the question of the day is "why are we 200 hours over?" and your PMs response in none other then "dev quoted it".1
When you need to present a new idea of a software to stakeholders, you let them decide the duration of the presentation or you decide? I'm facing a very fucked public saturday but it's an important project2
When did you see your project manager making that face the last time? Me, not that long time ago... :D
Spent 2 days hacking a plugin to make something work, and I thought I'm a genius when it's done. Lastly PM said not to go with that feature as it doesn't work on Firefox and IE!
I've been on a new project since last week.
After 3 days of knowledge transmission and really nothing else, the PM walked in and ask me when the project will be finished...
Really?! Jumping in a totally new project, with tools and functionals aspect I've never seen and then this.
:thumbs up: everything gonna be ok
Lead developer tells me to hang tight while he works on an issue and investigates.
PM tells me to make more cards for this section and fix it while the lead developer works on the same exact part.
So... I guess I'll go take a 2 hour lunch?1
Now that the client comes to visit let's upgrade that library now so we can show in a presentation that we use the latest and greatest not 3 months ago when it fixed security issues...
So, after being remanaged from Localization PM to create an Automation department, my boss now asked me help to manage projects again, but not leaving the automation.
Let's see how things will happen.1
PM on the first of the month: Okay, if you can finish the next part of this on-going task by the end of the month that'd be sweet.
PM today: I need you to finish this today. Oh and this extra job for another client has come out of nowhere, but that needs doing before the end of the day too.
How do you guys feel about daily stand-up ?? Is it wasting time or like the method sent from the god of project management.2
> mfw a non-dev customer shows me an exception that is easy to reproduce to answer my sarcastic questions whether she got any problems with the application
> mfw no dev or PM ever thought of using the application like this1
Repeating story, here, isnt it? A dev dislikes a PM, a QA, a Boss. They don't understand, or have unrealistic expectations or say something "stupid"...
But it requires guts to work with other people, cause often the facts we devs have to tell isn't popular. But to lower unrealistic expectations with the bosses, isn't that part of being pro?
Wish *I* had guts...
Do you guys and girls have booktips for a fresh junior PM? And what do you wish your PMs could do better?3
Oh its ok Mr. "Senior PM"...its totally ok to take a week of PTO during crunchtime...a week before launch...that wont cause any issues at all....1
Management wants me to write e2e tests instead of unit tests. The problem is there are e2e but not a single unit test... I plan on refusing.
I'm a jnr who has worked in 2 projects. In the first the project manager was aweful. On the second the project manager was brilliant. Starting my 3rd project and this time there won't be a PM. Should I be happy?1
How is it being a product manager (PM) for the blade/piece of product that you develop?
I might have the opportunity to be a PM and a developer for the product I've been working on for the past 3 months. I feel like I have a pretty good grasp of the product, but definitely don't know all the customer needs/wants (which I assume will come with more knowledge/experience with the position). Is there anything I should be wary of if I get the promotion? How much of a raise should I expect or ask for?
When your boss asks question about errors in a project and says he's trying to figure out what causes the problems. If I knew the problems I would already had let them fixed.