+1 if you like my new laptop skin...

Project manager logic.

Scene: Senior developer left, 3 Junior devs(including me) are now loaded with work.

*Intern asks for help*

JuniorDev1: I have 2 projects of which i'm the lead on one. I don't have time to help anyone.
JD2: 2 projects as well dude, speak to me after work, much easier then.
Me: 3 projects, lead on two. Sure how can i help you.

Took less than 5 minutes to help the intern.

2 hours Later. Check in meeting

PM: Our Junior devs are really busy and can't always help you guys. JD1 are you overloaded?

JD1: Yes, is their anyway we can split the one projects work?

PM: Sure. JD2 are you overloaded?

JD2: Not really, but i agree on splitting the projects between the three of us.

Me: *Are these fuckers serious? i have three projects, they have 2 and they wanna give me more work because they are overloaded and don't know how to manage their time*

PM: Ok cool, i'll update it. CooCooK4Choo, i see you building your own game during lunch time. You definitely not overloaded.

Me: Actually! what i do in my lunch time is my own personal work because it's the only time i have to work on personal projects. I actually do feel overloaded with the 3 projects and now more work from them, could we split the work load evenly please.

PM: I thought you said you could handle the 3 projects?

Me: I can, i have been, but with more work coming my way i don't think i'll be able to.

PM: Unfortunately i need the other Junior Devs on demand, so i won't be able to split the work load evenly.

Me: On demand for what? Why not let the interns help?

PM: In case i need their help. The interns are helping the other Junior Devs with things that don't require too much out of them.

Me: *This FUCKEN BITCH!* Cool, I'm done with the 1 project, expect the business rules at the end of the day. I'll see if i can get the other 2 near done by Friday so i can have time to look over the code of the new projects that i'll be splitting with the other Junior Devs.

PM: Cool, glad we all on the same page.

You know what? FUCK this stupid shit of favoring people in the FUCKEN work place.
This is my first full-time job ever, I've been here for a full year today and i can honestly say these people are just giant children with money. I should know, out of work i am a giant child, but from 8:00 - 16:00 i'm a FUCKEN adult.

My wife is turning into my project manager . . .

Me : Check out this game I'm building as a side project!

Wife : Wow that's really neat! I expect to be able to play it on my phone. 1 month?

Me: What? I haven't even learned how to port ...

Wife : (interrupts) ONE MONTH

Scope creep even at home *sigh

One of the project manager came to one of our senior pro developer to say something. Before he even said anything the senior dev said:

Oh Fuck, not you again!

The pm politely left the area

Just got BUGS list from our Client and fuck- 95% of bugs are not even bugs :|

- No, changing the (not pre-decided) verbiage is not a bug
- Adding two more pages in the app is not a bug (what the fuck :|)
- No, APK file not running in iPhone is not a bug (goddamn :|)
- No, adding these "fuckin new" functionalities is not a bug (seriously ? :/)

AND

Mr "used to be a good coder" PM,

Getting "504 Timeout Gateway" error because Server is temporarily down is NOT a fuckin frontend bug

And No, writing Javascript with a proper design architecture is not a "complicated" way of coding
and fuckin No, Global variables and functions without any architecture don't make the programming "kind of better"

ps: And VB dot net is not a fuckin scripting language, VBScript is.

Thank you,
"buggy average coder"

** Makes a design for a landing page, in a Single-page format. My designs are usually clean and "aerated" (breathing, uncluttered). **

** Pm comes in **
Me: Oh hey! I've finished my mockups
PM: Ah nice, let's see... ** comes to my screen **
---

PM: Not bad, but can you remove this spacing, this spacing, and this one and this one... oh and that one too?

** corrects them as she says, everything starts looking cluttered and I dislike it **

PM: Great! Can you export them in pdf?
Me: Sure.

** PM goes away **

** Proceeds to re-make the mockups more "breathing" with an evil smirk **

Holy fucking shit.

Why do people always expect you to know absolutely everything the second they ask?!

PM: "Yes yes of course we can do that!!! We've done it a million times, we do it for breakfast HAHAHAHAHA"

ME: "Well not really, we've never implemented a solution like that one, its gonna take some time to figure it out"

PM: "HAAAAHAHAHA HE'S SOO FUNNYY LMAOFUDKSJ DONT WORRY WELL HAVE IT READY FOR TOMMORROW :P".

Holy fuuuck I understand you wanna make the sell but you need to give the costumer a realistic look at things, at least give a reasonable deadline for what he's asking! FFS ASK ME HOW COMPLICATED ARE THE THINGS HES ASKING FOR BEFORE TELLING HIM WHEN THEY'RE GONNA BE READY! MAKE A FUCKING ESTIMATE, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A TEAM!

Oh and this rant is gonna happen, dont care if I get fired.This needs to change.

When your pc assigns you a Side Quest—I shall not fail you.

Me, doing QA

PM: "stop submitting bug reports about screen size, we're only supporting one resolution for now"

Me: *What do you mean you're only supporting one resolution it's a website and it breaks on screens <1400 px tall*
*Sigh*
"okay, what resolution?"

PM: "No one knows"

Me: *dies*

Meeting with the PM

During yesterday's Demo.

PM: It's a bug.
Client: It's a feature.

Reality: It's merge conflict.

:/

PM: Hey Brod, I know your really busy refactoring to ES6 but I think our Ruby app broke, could you fix it?..
Me: Ask Tom, he's the only one here who knows ruby he wrote the app..
PM: I didn't want to interrupt his Skype call.
Me: he's not on Skype, that's his face, he's taking snapchats.
PM: oh, well I don't want to really interrupt that either.

SAY YOU HATE ME. JUST SAY IT.

This question must be from my PM :|

Me: You're looking rested - the vacation does you good, it seems.
Co-worker: I didn't have vacation?!
Me: but our PM does.
Co-worker: ...

Without even talking to me, why the fuck did you announce that I would be taking the project manager role. Who the fuck wants to do that monkey job? What the fuck is fucking hell wrong with your fucken brain.

You bloody piece of shit with masters from university and can’t handle fucken projects and client’s. Clients are complaining to me about you. Whole day looks for women to fuck during the night while we are dying virgin over here. Fuck you and I wish your dick falls apart.

When the PM knows their shit and rejects the clients request for Wordpress and says the site is not a freakin blog.

" The junior dev just told me about an app called devRant. What have you been ranting about me on it?"

Beware of PMs.

What PMs think we do.

Guys, my unfortunately daily rant of my pm

I was told to create a docker env for our team. Good. Document the process so everyone can know what to do. Good.

My PM follows what he wants to instead of step by step and changes whatever he wants to.

I am asked for help because he doesnt know. No prob.

Me: "Do this, do this and.."
PM: "that doesnt matter, trust me, I could change it and.."
Me: "...and it wont work"
PM: "I know suff too, check" *does his changes aaaaaand doesnt work*
* awkward staring*

That happened a while ago.
This week, he crashed his git repo because he was doing things in docker team (including him) decided not to.

Took me more enough time explaining him "you are not supposed to do that in the container" funny fact he wanted to prove that his way was right and even if he did my way it would crash.

Sooooo he did my way just to prove how wrong I was. Everything worked flawlessly. Rage-still-awkward staring.

Plus the "aww that's weird. I dont know how this happened"

Hey PMs!

Fuck you!

Estimates are NOT... I repeat..they are NOT the FUCKING DEADLINES.

If you are asking for an estimate then remember, in your absolutely fucking small fucknugget brain, that it can FUCKING CHANGE!

The last thing you wanna do is grill the dev by asking them to explain in details why the change instead of trusting them. Specially when you don't understand a thing of the technology.

- Dev on whom you are shitting you asshole!

In 2008 I took my first web development job for an agency that's no longer around. There was a Vice President there by appointment from our coke headed owner who really liked to micromanage and invade privacy with key loggers and screencap spyware to "manage" us. I found out because my machine would snag when moving the mouse cursor and sometimes I'd accidentally paste the screenshot into photoshop just before the software cleared the clipboard. Anyway, I wasn't supposed to know I was being monitored so I just unplugged my network cable and killed the service running the jank ass spyware. I'd delete it when no one was looking and wipe out the cache of screencaps it would compile every day. It was basically a troll vs troll stalemate for weeks. Finally they gave in and told everyone what was going on so we collectively decided to seek revenge. We bought a piezo buzzer about the size of a quarter that chirped like crickets at random intervals. We stuck it on the underside of his desk inside of the middle drawer area and let it go. They spent so much time and money trying to get rid of the cricket infestation. We let it go on for weeks. I ended up quitting before the gag was up, but damn was it funny to see him squirm in that office because of those crickets!

FUCKING PROJECT MANAGERS.

FOR THE LAST TIME, YOUR ALTERNATIVE IS UNUSABLE As explained the original proposal, and in comments THAT YOU FUCKING REPLIED TO AND AGREED WITH, the thing you want to use WILL NOT WORK. WHY ARE YOU SUGGESTING IT AGAIN?

FUCK YOU, YOU HAIRY-ARSED TWERP.

Also, dfox can we please have fucking anonymous rants!

When you finally snap at your PM for setting every deadline to "As soon as possible":
SAY. ASAP..ONE. MORE. TIME.

Here's a true story about a "fight" between me and my project manager...

I've been working as a Frontend developer for nearly two years, managed to acquire a decent amount of knowledge, in some cases well above the rest of my coworkers, and one day I got into a bit of a disagreement with my project manager.

Basically he wanted me to copy/paste some feature from another project (needless to say, that... "thing" has more bugs than an ant farm), and against his orders I started doing that feature from scratch, to build a solid foundation from the very start.
I had a lengthy deadline to deliver that feature, they were expecting me to take some time to fix some of the bugs as well, but my idea was to make it bug-free from the moment the feature was released. Both my method and the one I should be copying worked the exact same, but mine was superior in every way, had no bugs, was scalable and upgradeable with little effort, there was no reason not to accept it.

We use scrum as our work methodology, so we have daily meetings. In one of those, the project manager asked me how was the progress on that new feature, and I told him I was just polishing up the code and integrating it with the rest of the project, to make sure everything was working properly. I still had a full day left before the deadline set for that feature, and I was expecting to take about half an hour to finish up a couple lines of code and test everything, no issues so far...

But then he exploded, and demanded to know why wasn't I copying the code from the other project, to which I answered "because this way things will work better".
Right after he said that the feature was working on the other project, copying and pasting it should take a few minutes to do and maybe a couple of extra hours to fix any issues that might have appeared...
The problem here is, the other project was made by trainees, I honestly can't navigate through 3 pages without bumping into an average of 2 errors per page, I was placed into this new project because they know I do quality code, and they wanted this project to be properly made, unlike the previous one, so I was baffled when he said that he preferred me to copy code instead of doing "good" code...
My next reply was "just because something has been made and is working that doesn't mean that it has been properly made nor will work as it should, I could save a few hours copying code (except I wouldn't save any, it would take me more time to adapt the code than to do it from scratch) but then I'll be wasting weeks of work because of new bugs that will be reported over time, because trust me, they will appear... "

I told him this in a very calm manner, but everybody in the meeting room paused and started staring at me, not many dare challenge that specific project manager, and I had just done that...
After a few seconds of silence the PM finally said... "look, if you manage to finish your task inside the set deadline I'll forget we ever had this conversation, but I'll leave a note on my book, just in case..."

I finished that task in about 30 mins, as expected, still had 7 hours till deadline, and I completely forgot about that feature until now because it has never given any issues whatsoever, and is now being used for other projects as well.

It was one of my proudest/rage inducing moments in this project, and honestly, I think I have hit my PM with a very big white glove because some weeks after this event the CEO himself came to the whole team to congratulate us on the outstanding work being made so far, in a project that acted against the PM's orders 90% of the time.

sudo apt-get father

When your PM starts coding to understand why it takes so long to align a button :P

MySQL issues...

PM: I spoke with x client, they really like x feature and want to continue.
Me: great, I'll let the team know.
PM: Yeah, I told your team already.
Me: Oh. What did they say?
PM: They all told me to tell you first, so you can tell them.
Me: 😏

If every issue is a critical, none of them are

Project Managers be like "hey bruh, I just wanted to put a meeting half way through your crunch for a deadline to make sure we can meet that dead line"

During a random meeting for a project:

PM: We'll need you to learn Go for this project. It says you know python in your job skills, so it should be easy.
Me: Uh, hiiii. I'm in security, not development. Can't help you, I really shouldn't even be here.
PM: I think Go has security built-in, does that help?
Me: ... I don't know, you need a developer.
PM: Do you know any Go people?
Me: I think that's something you should know.
- Silence enters the room -
PM: Yes perhaps, but you don't know anyone?

Fucking wat?

A fucking shit happened.

I finished coding the front-end design of the website and pushed it to the PM and Boss to review. After 5 days, they came back and said that they made mistake. They gave me the wrong sitemap and design. 23rd June is the deadline, I hope they extend the deadline.

My boss in our northern office literally told my colleague that he'd been refreshing the site several times every few minutes and could clearly see that we hadn't done shit.

Keep in mind that we are heavily cached with Varnish and Drupal Cache on our server, and this guy is never at the office. He was seeing our website from 3 days ago because his browser was retrieving local cache from the last time he was actually there and it was during a time where we had some broken items on the site.

The part that pisses me off most is that not only did he not know to purge his browser cache to see changes, but he thought my coworker was making up hocus-pocus technobabble to "cover for me" by telling him how to clear his cache.

This guy installed AirMail, 8 times on his Mac because he was entering SMTP settings that were literally given to him in screenshots with every step illustrated and every field of configuration available for reference, incorrectly. So yeah I can see how he would be technically capable of micro managing me. Fuck.

Had a PM in my programming class say "I want to understand what my team is going through, so I want to learn to code and the like, really to be a jack of all trades to better myself and my team" 👏 I respect that.

When manager is happy with what I am saying and intern tries to raise hands

Note: our PM is new.
PM: can you help me?
Me: sure, what do you need?
PM: where do the folders with all the techie stuff come from?

I had no context and spent the next 20 minutes trying to work out what folders she was on about. Turned out she wanted to know where the client side folders on our development server come from, was going to explain 'Gulp' and 'Branch' to her but I think I'd be there for the rest of the day... Why do 'tech' companies hire non-tech-savie people.

PM asked us to skip the unit test and just deliver untested application to SIT environment due too tight timeline. But when there are defects raised by tested, PM asked why got bugs and asked us to fix them immediately while we have to develop other new features at the same time.

Raise your hand if you agree

Agile in practice.

I finished my story with 3 days left in our 2 week sprint.

Me: What story should I pull in next?
PM: Story <number> to add <new feature>
Me: ok, sounds good
PM: Will you finish it before our sprint ends?
Me: No, probably will take me 5-7 days.
PM: But it can't spill over, it will make our metrics look bad.
Me: I can't finish it in 3 days.
PM: ....
Me: Can't you just explain the spillover as us working ahead?
PM: It will look bad on our <automated-report>
Me: ....
Me: So don't want me to get started on <new feature>?
PM: ....
Me: <internally sighing> What do you want me to do?
PM: Maybe you can pair program with <Overpaid-Idiot-Programmer> to help finish their story
Me: ....
Me: feelsbadman.jpg

Dear PMs,
Just a friendly reminder you'd have nothing to manage without us, which means you wouldn't even have a job.
Love,
Devs

PS you aren't our bosses either

this happens way too often in our company

PM: did you made that change I requested?
me: yeah, its on the live server now, why?
PM: I cant see it...
me: *wtf, I specially forced the JS to reload to eliminate problems with cache* could you send me a screenshot?
PM: *sends screenshot*
me: I dont get it... I can see the changes in my browser *dev feeling intensifies* ... refresh the site and try again
PM: oh... suddenly its there, ...anyway, thanks! it looks great!
me: *facepalm*

turns out our managers just dont refresh websites, they want changes to take place immediately

When pm wants to play designer/ux.

Was asked to make an e-sign system that manipulates PDFs to insert an image and the date at different coordinates on x number of different pages.

200 hours later, it was done. Now I'm the PDF guy

Our PM is on vacation. And our CTO/CEO takes control of the PM role.

So today he decided it was time to just start a customer change request. Regardless of the customer not having approved the actual solution and estimate.

He just said that he did not want to waste any more time talking to the customer. Now they are gonna get what ever he thinks they want.

I predict this to backfire in a fabulous way. What could possible go wrong🤔

Definition: project manager.

A person who believes nine women can deliver a baby in one month...

When project manager is talking about things that I have no idea but I just keep saying "Yes, I can do it"

had a project manager who was heavily religious.

any time he would give me impossible deadlines and I explained why that cant be done he always said "god will find a way"

PM: Ok Android, i've reviewed the latest build, you are good to release. Waiting on iOS's build to test.

Me: ... are we not holding all builds until we hear back from backend about that bug?, as we likely have to change something on our side?

PM: Which bug?

Me: ... the only one we discussed yesterday in the team meeting.

PM: How many customers is it affecting?

Me: that we know of, one ... the CEO of our company

PM: oh that one, yeah were not doing that anymore.

Me: WHAT? i've been waiting all day / night to hear back. Why are we not doing this?

PM: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ... Everything is too messy at the minute anyway, the release plan is changing every day. Need to keep it back in line.

Me: ... the plan has changed exactly once. We had a plan at the start of last week for the last release, we changed it YESTERDAY to include 2 critical bug fixes. The only issue with the plan changing is nobody telling us these aren't bugs anymore

PM: We can discuss tomorrow in the team meeting.

CEO: oh hey guys, yeah we pulled that bug fix. Its not really a bug, more like a missing feature. No way it will get done before xmas. Going to live with the way it works for now and fix it properly next year.

Me: Ok, fair enough, but we really need to be told these decisions.

CEO: sure, sorry, didn't think anyone was blocked by this. What was the blocker?

Me: ..... you asked me yesterday to get this bug fix in the build ... you asked for the final build to be made today so we can go through the app store review. As we all discussed yesterday, today is kind of the last day we can really do this.

CEO: ok, its late, we can discuss this tomorrow in the team meeting.

Me: ..... ..... ..... ..... sure

Close to project completion (2 years).
PM confesses he hasn't ever logged into the product.

To all those PMs out there... this one's for you.

PM: We have to do this this and this. How long will it take you?
Me: Looks like a 4 hr job
PM: ok
Me: Still not complete after 2 days

Me every time :D

Product manager had me spend an hour setting up his machine for rails development. Then walk him through all of our workflow. He then proceeded to make some changes to a header tag content. Made a pull request while I was holding his hand. Then he walks out of his office acting like he just won a national championship and proceeded to talk about how he was basically a developer for the next hour interrupting work.

When the PM says, "That's just an if statement, right?"

When your PM calls you on Sunday to quickly solve a critical bug,
But you were busy happily working on your own personal project
:/

pm: why this things are getting late in development.
me: no, I'm not late, on track, this will be done by end of the next week.
pm: but my estimation was for today EOD.
me: you never asked me for the estimation..
pm: we are here for that.
me: then do this yourself..*asshole*

So, my last rant here was 3 years ago, and i just signed in again to devrant to post this fucking shit.

There is this guy who is a Project Manager in my office, I haven´t work with him but he sits in front of me and i have to listen to his bullshit almost every fucking day. Anyways, the other day he was talking to some other guy (a PM, also) and he said something like this:

"Programming is the most overrated thing ever, everyone can do it, you could do it, i could do it just googling stuff, i could even replace almost every programmer in this office, it´s the easiest thing ever. a programmer couldn´t do my job even if his life depended on it ´cause they can´t talk, they can´t manage people, they can´t manage their own time, heck they can´t even manage to talk to each other. they´re just a bunch of incels who think they´re important and their job is shit anyway".

They don´t see us as human begins, they see us as necessary evil.

(apologize if i wrote something wrong. English is not my first language)

Use the choices below to describe your Project Manager. No. you can't choose multiple it would be rude.

A few weeks ago, I was joking with a friend with how PMs aren't able to understand how weird are dev time estimations and how much they love meetings.

He: "Well, we can make a meet to estimate the hours of doing that"

Me: "Or better: We can make a meet to estimate the meet of estimations"

Three days ago, we are with the PM on the weekly meeting. In a part of his lovely speech, he asks:

"What if we meet the Thursday to estimate the weekly meeting for estimations?"

Obviously we laughed instantly, and he 'forget' he spoke that.

The feeling of sitting through an hour debrief after a project was delayed due to added functuonality which fell completely out of the original scope was added and the PM on the project is sitting on fb with their phone the entire time.

PM with power be like...

So new PM is forcing everyone to use Google sheets as our main project management tool as it's free and does what she likes... Was so close to just quitting.

More rage: how the fudge does she think it's acceptable for every 'to-do' no matter how big or small needs to be recorded in a sheet with roughly 30 columns @#&#&£ work is going to grind to a halt whilst we fill it in. So many better tools to use! Oh it gets worse it's 1 sheet per a person so the longer you work there the bigger the sheet gets the more time you need to spend to find, record and even open the freaking document up.

He should upgrade!

Boss coding.
Boss not fan of tests at all.

"Hey I'm doing all of tests" - boss to me.
"Cool, are they automated? Or do you want me to implement'em?" - me to him

[long speech about why tests are irrelevant including "...once I tested, it is tested, we dont need to have automated tests."] *im teaching you because you dont know voice*

Please, help meeee

Hissing + angry meowing.

"There are people who care about the user interface (UI); I can’t do UI to save my life. I mean if I was stranded on an island and the only way to get off that island was to make a pretty UI, I’d die there." -- Linus Torvalds

That is my life in summary, I can't do UI. I love doing backend projects, even when I use bootstrap, I come up with the ugliest looking UI ever. I think developers should be comfortable with whatever they enjoy doing and not forced to do things they are not very good at. (Hello PMs) *side eye*

Quited my job because I want to code and not project managing (instead of coding). Found a new job as front-end developer with opportunity to become a full stack dev.

I lose the ability to code for some hours after a long meeting.

PM: Hey listen, client sent us his feedback about the app that we need to fix, they wont take time.
Me: Sure no problem.

5 Minutes later:
*Receives email*
*checks email*
15 easy tasks that take not time to finish BUT they are put inside ONE FUCKING TASK ON JIRA! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS SHIT! 15 IN ONE YOU DUMB FUCK!
MOVE YOUR LAZY ASS AND WRITE EACH IN ITS OWN MOTHERFUCKING TASK!

Another reason on why I hate humans -_-

On a WhatsApp group, discussing upcoming work.

PM approves all UI and project gets assigned to me. He then makes tons of UI changes that will affect the workflow of the approved UI. To this point, code was clean and well documented. I request a few days to re arrange the code to reflect the new workflow. PM says: I need a minimal product. I don't need it clean. I want speed to ship and start marketing. That's where I stopped caring.. To the next dev, I am terribly sorry..

*no comment*

Let me tell you the story of how a feature request no one asked for got put in an early grave:

PM walks into weekly meeting with a single use case that one user called in about, despite never having this issue during the past year and a half that our app has been in production. PM's boss (genuinely one of the best people i have ever worked with) happens to sit in this particular meeting for no reason other than he felt like he should once in a while.

PM brings up use case and wants to devote 3 weeks' development time and another 3 weeks to test RIGHT NOW while other projects are already in motion. PM's boss speaks up with this: "Listen if this guy is really this upset, we can just tell him to build his own service. All the other end users have no problems with this, so it's not worth spending the resources on, i don't think."

And that is how i went from "this is bullshit" to "i love you" in the span of 20 minutes.

I am Front End dev at a medium size company and I had to teach my PM how to create use case diagrams... Things are getting better and better at this dream job.

Took a bit of time, but yesterday I sent in my resignation letter, long and some wat detailed list of grievances against the guy running the project.

Gonna suck to leave the team, but working for that man was tantamount to torture.

He actually gave me a lecture on Monday for not forcing my team to work unesesarry over time, because he can do nothing but make changes. I was also trouble for not doing his job and not treating my team like shit, as he does. According to him, forced overtime, disrespect are just the way leadership is.

My project management skills in action.

One day I felt sorry for my PM:
He was on the way to present an application to a client.
The PM showed me the mess the app was while asking with sadness how he should present that buggy thing.. he and I were new to the project.
After that day I told myself I would put all of my efforts to develop for excellent quality and change the app road.

This days all he did was pressure the team to develop fast.. all my "quality work" at half. Why I care for this guys? All PMs are the same

Both the PM and the client wanted to see if the app is actually working on the demo ,so I just showed a dummy dialog for 3 seconds;They actually fell for it.

PM: We don't need a spec. We'll figure it out as we go.
Me: O_O.... So what do you need the system to do?.....
PM: ( gives vague requirements)

4 weeks later I still no clue what they need.

Signed up on Trello, got everything set up there and everyone has an account.

But my dear PM, why the hell are you still sending out a screenshot of your bloody spreadsheet bug tracker and ask everyone for updates????

Fellow devRanters how do I get (force) my PM to use a project management system instead of silly tables?

Have a whiteboard next to your office position. Keep your To Do list there and update every day/half day.
PM can just pass and see status. Maybe ask for clarification. Never takes more than five minutes. Both me and him are pleased.

Meetings... They say coding is 70% thinking and well.. I find meetings to be a great place to think about what am currently working on. I go in with a sketch book and sketch away. I always figure out whatever is bugging me by the end of the meeting. After all the PM will send a summary of whatever I may have missed during the meeting

* Yesterday:*
PM: Yes, so, could you please do those changes on this page tomorrow by 3 pm and push to prod?
Me: Yeah sure! Noted :) (task is to "untick" a checkbox in a page's settings on our CMS)

* the next day -- 11 am *
PM: erm yes so please can you do the changes I told you about, it's getting urgent and you didn't start it already and it stresses the hell out of me because today is friday and it needs to be up and running fine for Monday 12pm and you don't work on weekend so I'd like yo-
Me:

So the same guy who called Ninetails from Naruto a wolf is PM in this project with me

During scrum meeting:

PM: I read the project scope again and I realised there are scopes that we didn't get it. Each time I read the scope there's something new.

Me: *Sure, the scope is fucked with a long 8 feet dragon dildo to start with*

PM: Read the scope 5 times, cause we don't want to miss anything. If QA raises an issue regarding the modules which are in scope but you implemented it wrong then it won't be considered Change request and you have to do deliver it in time even work on weekends with no compensation.

Me: ...

PM: Now, go through the scope again today and we will hold a meeting after working hours (unpaid, but can be adjusted in monthly avg) and I will ask random questions.

Me: *tf*

PM: And anyone who won't be able to answer them will sit through the non-working hours and go through the scope again

Me: *YOU FUCKTARD, incompetence from your side or from business development team to create a simple understandable scope can't force us to sit through non-working hours.*

I already had an opinion about this guy from my previous rant, his improved a little in between but I guess not

They fucked up the project deadline again. I received 5 days to finish up the web-based application without any brief and design. When I asked for it they said it's easy I can just Google for similar app and make it.

What?

Me: I don't need to print the city on each row of the excel file, it already appears on the top of the document.

PM: DO IT ANYWAY! THEY'RE IDIOTS!

!rant
With all the people around here ranting about their PM's, I'm really curious to see how a PMRant app would look like. What are they complaining about?
Devs that listen to music all day long and never want to be disturbed?
Engineers who talk in long, incomprehensible words?
...TDD taking too long?

Today boss called me on my personal phone to ask where the fuck I am after not answering a low prio mail for 10 minutes from his pet project.

We have voip.
We have chat.

No pressure meant...

So, I'm the only iOS developer in the company working on this stupid app which is never going to succeed because the client idea is just plain stupid. Anyway, 6 months developing this crap, countless iterations, trillions of so-called retard "features", and now that we are almost there to go into production my PM decides it's a great moment to document every aspect of what was done and asks me to do it. Now I have 3 documents to write and around 80 bugs to review before Friday. Stupid me for thinking he didn't waste 6 months doing absolutely nothing while I was working 12 hrs a day to meet deadlines.

Boss to client on phone: 'We'll get something to you around the middle of the week'

Boss to me (noticing my panicked look): 'Late Thursday or early Friday is the middle of the week if you count the weekend'

"A comment isn't needed if the name is good and the responsibility is clear" - M.Howell

That feeling when you ask for a resource, and you get a PM :(

When your pm forces you to push new features out too quickly and you're slowly digging yourself into a messy hell, knowing you have to one day refactor thousands of lines of code.

That moment when you are testing the product with the PM and you remember all the bugs that happened and all you can think is that you don't trust this abomination

My PM is a glorified Q&A tester. Has never coded in his life and refuses to use jira or slack. He basically emails me a word document (because he refuses to use google docs) with all his "so-called bugs' errors. I dare you to tell me of a worse PM.

agency lesson 10motherfucking1 . Never take your project managers demands and run with them. Ask 10s, 100s of questions if needed. Layout every little aspect of the project and every little demand and every little asset needed.

They will fuck you in your ass and turn every eye on you when the client gets angry. They will fucking ruin you for the sake of their job.

Cover your ass in every way possible. Do not let your asshole manager define how shit is going down because (say it with me) THOSE WHO CAN DO! THOSE WHO CANT MANAGE!

What's better than an excel sheet to keep the backlog and progress of the team?!
😃🔫

Email from boss: Have a nice weekend everyone!

Colleague A's reply: The weather is gonna be bad...
PM: Oh then A, you can stay at home and make sure the sites are working over the weekend!

5 seconds later boss replied:
Oh enjoy watching the sites then!

I can tell you two are from the same pile of turd *smh*

Unpaid overtime. Nuf said.

My face when Project Manager gives changes of her own and wants it before 5:00PM on Friday.

I'll probably accept a job offer as PM - the first one that understands Devs :)

You can start throwing stones at me now.

This us up my 4 years with my employers

Writing no bugs. :)

When creative director starts sentence with: "Can we JUST..."

PM and UX designer talks.

About a feature on android with viewpager (swipeable views) and a header with buttons.

PM : We need a back button and a close button on the header.
UX : A customer will be confused by both, with the swipe too.

PM : Then we need a close button alone.
UX : Customer will search for back button and not everyone might swipe left.

PM : We need a back button alone.
UX : Customer might not know how to close the view. He can't keep going back back back.

PM : we don't need any buttons.
UX : Customer should find it easy to close or go back.

PM : bruv.

PM couldn't configure IMAP for Airmail so he deleted and reinstalled the application... Twice. Surprise! Still doesn't work the second or third time. 🖕

Instantly thought about new js framework name

PM sends email to development team with the whole management team in cc.

"Guys, the data is not updating correctly! Make sure all the updates are being done! If we can't get this right then we can just forget about this whole thing!"

Me: Yes, because making generalized statements and inflammatory remarks actually help in correcting the problems...

!rage

*PM 6 months earlier: "Do whatever u want with this lib, your softw. will use it."
*PM today: renames main public function names in my lib - used by about 10 processes of mine.

*Me: (╯°□°)╯︵┻━┻

Another unrealistic deadline from our non-software developer PM.
He agreed to client upon delivery of a complete system consisting of 4 micro-services in Node and 4 front-end Angular application integrated with each micro-service accordingly.

Project Delivery date is December 31. I have told him It is impossible to deliver complete solution on December 31.
Now he wants me & my team to come to office even on weekends.
What an idiot !

An actual email thread:

G: I need this done

Me: okay. Whats the priority, when's the due date, who are the stakeholders, what's the sensitivity level of the data?

G: Priority is ASAP, due date is ASAP, stakeholders are ALL OF IT, and i want to be able to control the data sensitivity level

...

Those arent ANSWERS; they're REQUESTS!!!

When your PM is drawing all over your nice architecture diagram..

Dream big

The company hired a Senior Project Manager (SPM) and two months in we had the following conversation:

SPM: Hey, go talk to the project stakeholders and get the requirements for the project.

Me: Uhm, isn't the PM supposed to go and gather the requirements?

SPM: I'll go check with the stakeholders. We don't have a PM :)

Me: You are the SPM... Which is the same thing?

SPM: hmmm... I'll go ask them and get back to you.

GFG, you've been here for two months, are supposed to be a senior with many years under your belt as a PM and yet know nothing about your job. You don't even know that you're a PM.

Big IT consulting company ask us (small web agency) to develop the "html" code for a web app for their client. (They'll want the front-end to implement it in Cordova or other shit tools they use).

I had to use some "includes" in php, for header and footer, because for 50 pages it'll be tedious to edit a thing (the design is not definitive yet) without open all the .html files individually and replicate the edits in all the pages.

We've delivered the package containing all the pages and a "inc" folder for the header and the footer. The pages have the extension *.php

Their pm ask us why we didn't do it in html, since they expected that.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Two tasks at the top of the backlog that was approved by the scrum master, and pm. We finish them in a few hours. Pm comes out.

Pm: Why are you guys working on those tickets!?!?!
Us: because they are the first things in the list.
Pm: but the client hasn't agreed on the work yet.
Us: then why is it the top of our list!!!
Pm: cause it's important.

"by the way, the PROD and QA services use the same database tables"

It must be cached. Try clearing your browser cache or try different browser.

Me on the inside whenever I hear the PM say quick and dirty

So today I spent the whole day at work in a website to make it go full responsive. When I finished, the PM told me "Forget about these and those screen sizes, make everything over 1024px a desktop view". There are tablets with screen bigger than just 1024px... Anyway, I got a little mad because I spent the WHOLE day working with those tablets that are bigger than 1024 just to get a " Forget about these and those".

Fine, I'm fine now... I needed to tell this to someone, I know you will understand my pain, guys :)

"we have add a lot of cost partly due to currency exchange rate, but we also added some services and servers, we'll have a meeting and see what we can cancel or re-arrange."

So now....
- JIRA is gone
- SEO tools are gone
- budget for site security & SSL undecided
- Servers are too expensive.
$800 for twelve 2-24gb ram servers with backup, I call that bargain

Can't wait to see the websites falling apart. Now where are my popcorns?

when your PM thinks he is now a developer and makes a huge commit to git......100's of errors later, huge wtf

Had an issue running through someone else's buggy code and my PM told me to "use a goto to fix it up, those always used to help me in school". Can a recruiter on here throw me a bone and get me out of this place?

My PM frequently asked me what I'm doing as a Programmer in my Team because he wants to understand us better - I first started out explaining him every Detail of our work - he didn't get it - I then simplified it and told him We are creating the functionality and Gameplay features - he didn't get it. I then finished our conversations with telling him what I do like that "I drink coffee and I know things" - he was satisfied and I could work on

When your PM or boss says they used to program back in the day in FORTRAN and haven't done shit since.

here's one for ya: we devlop, use and sell a crm with extensive project managment, task assignemt and time tracking modules in it.

It is the main income ofbthe company.

Yet somehow we're still required to send an email with status update at the end of the week.

FFS i don't remember what i did on monday and all the 100 micro tasks that jumped in between.

That will take me an hour to gather the info and write an email that software automaticaly sends out everyday to PM anyway. :((

PM: can we fix listed changes today?
Me: hmm, let me check the list out.
PM: because I told the client it would be ready tomorrow morning.

The end.

PM: We have 2 issues on server side and 2 on backend.

Tech lead: It's the same

PM: Is it? How?

Client calls screaming they want to go live today.

And oh yeah they also want three morebpaymentbgatways integrated before that.

The documentation is scarce and we never used them before.

Got it on the table 4h before day ends.

Awesome!

I see a lot of rants about Project Managers (PMs). As someone who might work as that in the future, what are the some do's and don'ts for that role?

Why is that when a project deadline has only 2 weeks left, Project Managers starts the project then. Why not start the project when we have 3 or 4 months left for the deadline?

Our Project Manager has this lame attitude that she will start with the sitemap, wire-frame and designing of a website when we have only 2 weeks to the deadline.

What the fuck is going on in here?

Brace yourself new PM joining the company next week

Me busy coding, trying to hit the dateline.

PM stretches his arm and starts working after getting bored browsing facebook. *Time to get productive

10 mins later. comes to me with a list of changes. To a project I finished last week, saying it's urgent. Have to be done today. He promise the client to fix these Changes by the end of this week. *wow thanks for pilling me with this now

.... one week later. client emailed and question us. On a few of the (PM self initiated ) changes and want us (me) to revert. -.-

I love when a PM makes a big deal to get their own office but then takes personal calls with the door open. On speaker phone. To his wife with 3 screaming kids in the background. While everyone is trying to work. Fml. Just let me code in peace.

Tell PM that something isn't possible. Still puts in the todo list with high priority...

Migration in progress (long one, lasting over a month)

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to discuss migration progress

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to agree on what should we test

PM: Let's schedule a meeting to get specs of the new infra

Seriously, PMs. One 1 hour long meeting costs at least 4 hours of productive time (1 hour for travel, 1 hour for the meeting, 1+ hour for preparing for the meeting, 1+ hour for post-meeting discussions). And more often than not all meetings end with "We will come back to you later in regards to <some question not answered during meeting>" and it always means "we'll continue this chat via emails"

Why can't you first ask "do we need a meeting or can we sort this out via email?" ??? Or are you intentionally wasting everyone's time?

My friend always told me not to use my real name as username. I ignored him. Now I realise why.

😨

PM's latest modification on my code:
deleted log
deleted my name from author comment

So now you want the old version? Now you want GIT? Now you want a branching model with CI? 1 year into the project?
FML

When the PM tell the development team they need to start using SalesForce instead of Jira.

Am I the only dev being in the universe who hates dealing with non technical PMs and POs?

Every time I interact with them I just want to kill myself.

PS: I still think their roles are important. Just hire people that know what they are doing.

I just found out today , that my pm had mistakenly committed the email id and password of his account(which he probably used for testing) in the public repo in github.
Although he subsequently removed it, I can see it in commit history.

The point is.....
I don't kinda like him...
Any mean ideas....?

PM : "Is the bug fixed?"
Me : "It's gonna take some time". (At that time, I didn't even know how to reproduce the bug)
....After 300 seconds
PM : "Is it done?"
Me: 😑

Today I've come to the realization that being a PM is like trying to herd cats. I don't have enough energy for this and programming 😣😧

PM pushed me to finish all of my tasks last friday because he told me we have a demo with the client this week. He even asked me to OT.

It is already fucking thursday and I am still waiting. I haven't heard any updates from our PM.

I feel pissed because I did my task crudely due to "imaginary deadlines" imposed by this son of a bitch PM. I could have written a better code if I have this week as the deadline instead.

The floor is Not Getting Shit Done Before Deadline

When the PM schedules you for 160 hours in an 80 hour sprint... I didn't enjoy living my life anyways, apparently. FMDL.

Oh, you work in software? I had this cool idea...

I have been working on a hybrid app since 7 months

Today my manager told me, I didn't do anything except adding random plugins here and there :|

And my colleagues i.e. native app developers were laughing :|

What the fuckin fuck man ://

been thinking about quiting for a while, and then yesterday happened.
we where at a metting and in the middle of a heated discussion, my boss screamed:
''ANSWER ME!!''.
i didnt say much that meeting after than.

later that day i quit my job, that i in general had been very happy about :/

Lots of people seem to have awful PM's, so I just thought I'd express appreciation for my PM (who I found out last week goes to my church, which was cool). He regularly asks questions about how our system works so that he can be constructive in directions instead of acting like he knows what's up. Woo Tim! Ok feel free to go back to negativity time

Company uses Trello to track bugs and features the devs are doing.

End of the week the PM: "So what bugs and features did you work on this week?"

If only there was a platform that we could track all these things... 🤦‍♂️

"We don't need to design this page, we'll just wing it in dev. It's not an important page."

result: 47 jiras about choice of fonts, alignment, padding, missing images that were never provided, how it looks shit on mobile and can we make it black instead?

oldie but goodie

When your PM is gone for two weeks and you had no idea until the day they left 😂

Was hating my new job. Turns out my PM is new and was assigning me tasks outside the scope of what I do. But yeah PM, keep pushing for a shiny front end to an internal tool. Not. Happening.

A bad PM looks at every project in the last 6 months noticing how they are each far over their estimated time, angrily asks why each is so far over and then continues to self quote development jobs.

Pm: Hey we need you to add this feature to client ABC and we need it in 3 weeks.

Me: Ok. Just so I know how long have you know about this?

Pm: Oo about 3 weeks ago.

Me(outside): Ok 😐😐😐

Me(inside): Really you could give me some information about this 3 weeks ago. Even 2 weeks ago would have been find. AHHHHHHHHHHH!😡😡😡😤.

That moment when you PM wants you to start working on new groundbreaking software, and its been 3 weeks and he still hasn't told you what he wants..

So I was just informed I have 40 tickets with my name on them. No big deal normally except that I had no idea and was scheduling based on the fact that I knew I had 25 on my plate and most of them were OBE. How did I find this out you ask? Well rather than updating the tickets in our ticket tracking system, my PM updated a spreadsheet that is out in no man's land. So it looks like I have been doing no work for the last 3 months when in reality I have been busting my ass to get shut done and fixed. Why even have a ticket tracking system?

Companies new policy.

Deadline is looming, we need to work super hard and be super productive so we will set 3 meeting each day to check on how productive you have been in the last 2 hours...

PM schedules deployment on a Friday... I address my concern about deploying on Fridays, I am assured it won't happen again since it is a special occasion. Next week's Friday... "Guys we need the remaining tasks on jira by today, client wants the app on production by today". smh

Once a PM, always a PM.

My face when PM checks the project day before the deadline and list down time consuming changes that needs to be completed the next day (Deadline day) before 10:00AM.

Just realized my next comback to PM:
No, we can't deliver yet, we need further testing before we are ready. I mean we don't want to end up in a situation similar to exploding batteries right?

mfw
> 1 year into project in React.js with a 10+ members in team
> PM panics over last Apache statement
> PM: "fuck, rewrite it in Angular 4 : /"

I read an article that says stress balls are far less effective for stress relief than punching your PM on the face.

They should have included a warning...

My PM ! Yes you heard it right ...he always pushes me to edge of everything and make me strong enough to handle tough situations both in professional and personal life! Because of his guidance I was able to find out skills in me put them to best use..😊

Finally ended, the stupid meeting which was going from last 4 hours for a web app. In the end I got to know that I'm not part of it.
Wow, what a wonderful way to waste my time.

Lead Dev: Release what you have today for testing.
Me: It's not finished?
Lead Dev: Release it for testing anyway.

PM: Don't release until it's ready but it has to be ready by Monday.

Stuck between a rock and a hard place come to mind...

Wife started to remind my of features required for next deploy. Pushes me and motivates. At this point I am afraid to use my whiteboard I use for quick tasks and feedback notes

Mfw. They find out what our pm does and how much he contributes to the team, so they let him go.

Our pm is awesome always keeps things on track, gives suggestions and stuff but she got assigned to a different department. Now we have no idea what to work on. Feeling lost.

Background: Process issue in the plant that the workers said was a software problem. I’m a Software Dev Manager

Exec: This is broken and it is a software problem. We just noticed it this week.

Me: Couldn’t have been us, relevant code was changed this time last year. Sounds like a process issue.

Exec: Can you give me an exact date it was changed last year?

Me: (Seriously, WTF?... checks git...) It was changed on December 2nd, 2016. Couldn’t have been us.

Exec: Can you detail that change for us?

Me: (GTFO) No, not my problem, stop trying to make it my problem.

Migrated to new email clients, half a page long signatures were gone and no notice to put it back.
So I added my own: "Freeeeeeedoooooom, no more signatures".
Promptly got called by PM to: "It puts the signature back in the mail or else it gets the free seating back."

[tl;dr at the bottom]
(Project Team Group Chat)
dev: @Desing team, i have a question, there's a required field missing in you design, can i go to your desktop to get an quick answer/explanation about that?
design team:....
dev: hello..?
PM: [writes a huge text to tell me that i can not interrupt them even if its a blocker and that we (dev team) shoul write them down and tell them only once a day in the scrum meeting]
dev: uuumm ok

-next day-
dev: so about that field, why did you...
Client: WHAT? There's a problem with the design!? oh boy, lets re-check every view right now with the whole team!
(it took like 2 hours, the field was missing just because they forgot that feature)
PM: okay, @DesingTeam, answer any questions from developers when they ask you...

tl;dr
we spent almost two hours with the client just because desing team didn't want to answer me a little question

In october my best (female) friend will become my PM. I don't know if this was a good idear.

When a PM or other self proclaimed demi god decides to tap the shoulder of the programmers with headphones on just to look just above their head and say "oh, i see. a programmers thoughts do throw a nullPointerException when disrupted"

I don't get why certain people always complain about the OS they have to use at work... I get, that as a person who really uses aspects of the OS like a sysadmin or something like that, has valid points... but no... as a projectmanager or productmanager, whos tools are all browserbased... "in Windows I know where all the things are..." is not a valid excuse to hate on the OS...

What do you want to do? Change system settings everyday? Use PowerShell to create your Jira tickets?

When your project manager pisses you off so much, you could punch a baby or drown a puppy....

In the morning PM told me that a project home page skinning is due tomorrow afternoon. Few minutes ago, she said that another project application is due tomorrow.

project-manager : what are you doing ?

me : just having some coffee .

project-manager : stop all shit go to work .

me : ok sir . got up and went for my laptop .

my mother screamed at me and screamed "what
are you doing ?"

i then realised it all a night_mare

Am I the only one who is working on a different project every day? And they're not small projects. All medium sized e-commerce sites (Magento 1&2) with tons of custom made functionality.

Soooo counter productive...

For some reason our PM's think it's the most efficient way to do it this way, even though we said numerous times it causes the opposite result. Having to switch to a different project every day and constantly picking up where you left a week ago is so frustrating...

4 days left for project deadline and PM just realized that we are behind in the design. Meeting at 9AM, am sure that they will ask me to work really late to complete, I don't think it's possible.

Guys, should I let this project fail, just note that I didn't receive the designs?